THE PAIN OF ALCOHOLISM........
I just read Meg Morgan, & Scout's posts. I cried. They reached my soul. I felt such compassion for them. Meg's post made me think of my brother, who died at the age of 43 of alcoholism, at his request. He had so many things wrong with him physically, from drinking, he suffered emotionally & mentally too. Anyway, the dr's. told him he had a year to live. Well, he asked to be taken off all his medications within a few months. It was so painful to watch him suffer like that. Then I had to watch my mother & sister suffer thru it too. It was such a painful time. I'ts been four 5 yrs. now, when I read Meg's post, that pain came back, for her, Randy & Jolie, & for me, my brother, sister, & mom. I was newly sober at the time. His suffering went on about a yr. till the dr. gave him a yr. then it was just a few months longer. That whole yr. was horrible. He kept having mini strokes, his brain was literally dying. I would get calls that he wasn't going to make it thru the nite, & he would, I can't count how many times that happened in the yrs. time. He couldn't quit drinking, so his wife put him in a mental hospital. Can you imagine? He wasn't crazy, he was an alcoholic, & she wouldn't admit that. So there he was, all of a sudden not able to drink, he was given psych meds, nothing to help him detox. We couldn't get him out for a couple of months. When he got out of there he had to go to an assisted living place with a bunch of old people. Oh, what he went thru! I still have survivor's guilt. He was my little brother, my only brother. I often think if I'd have done things differently he might be alive today, he might have quit drinking, got into AA. There's things I could have, should have done differently. I've heard all the contrary stuff, & it doesn't really help. I have to live with this what if? Maybe I could have saved him. I know all the stuff about 'I don't have that much power', etc. I don't dwell on this, but it still comes up, how do I live with this? I know, I've made it all about me. I need to let my brother rest in peace. I need to find some peace. This could take me out again, but not today.
Labels: alcoholism, my brother, other posts, survivors guilt
I STEPPED ON SOME TOES...............
It seems I have stepped on the toe's of another, who happens to be an alcoholic, & they retaliated. I deserved it, what they do is none of my business. I need to stay in my own 'hoola hoop'. How do you do that, & help another alcoholic? I try to stay in my experience, strength, & hope, & I am honest about telling the other person what I see them doing. Well, that wasn't appreciated one bit! She yelled at me, in defense of herself. Isn't that what we do? I've done it, so I do understand, so I apolojized. Even tho I'm right LOL. Sometimes there's a fine line in what you say that will be helpful. I am so glad my friends were honest with me & didn't, still don't, co-sign my bullshit. If they would have, I'd be dead by now, or still really miserable. So, I don't talk too much recovery with people I can't be honest with, that would be decieving. I don't want to come off as being holier than thou, either. It's a fine line. If I stick to my experience, strength, & hope, & don't offer advice. I also can't offer my help, if they aren't willing to hear the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts, I know it has me, at times, but I sure don't want lies, or people to feel like they have to coddle me, I don't want to be coddled. I am given encouragement, & pats on the back, when I deserve it. But if I'm fucking up, I'm told about it, I'm challenged. How else am I going to learn, or grow, or find out about me? Let's face it, I wasnt always nice. I don't want to dwell on it, but I have to get past it, & the only way to do that, is to face, work thru it, then & only then will I come out on the other side. But, I've been doing someone else's inventory, & I think I know what's best for them. Only God knows that, & maybe some with more sobriety than I have. I talked about it in a meeting today, & some people came up to me afterwards, with some very wise words. I have to remember the 3thd tradition, that hit smack dab in my face. At all costs, we get along with our fellow alcoholics, we may ruin a chance to help at a later time, in the meantime, let go, & go on to someone else, who has the willingness, & an open mind, to help. I'm so grateful I wasn't turned away, or ridiculed when I was 'trying' to get sober. Eventually I was DONE, then I GOT IT! What a blessing. I welcome any comments on this.
TANGENT.........
Here I was, getting out of my 'hoola hoop', taking someone else's inventory, or trying to control a situation. I know better, but before you know it, I've done it again. I hate that! Then I feel like shit afterwards. People are people, alcoholics are alcoholics, & so on, they're going to do what comes natural to them, even in recovery, as they try & change. It doesn't happen over nite, & recovery is not a straight line up. It weaves in & out, like a tapestry, it has it's ups & downs. I have to learn to calm down, go with the flow, live & let live. I hate to admit this, but sometimes I come off as the AA police. I can't stand it, when people go against the principles, not to say I don't. But I'm passionate about the principles, recovery, & I think that people who have been in the program any length of time should not do certain things, & they do it blatanly. Then, I don't know the whole story, but it's what you do, not what you think, or what your intentions are. Please! I almost went off on a tangent, I do that. Sometimes I get over protective of the women in the program. Seems they have to go thru alot more shit to get sober, that shit being predators. Some men don't even consider this, but, guess what? Women have just as much right to get sober as any man. Of course, I know there are women predators too, & they disgust me just as much as the men. In early sobriety I was so messed up, & I was terrorized, & stalked by a man, he would do it in meetings too, & noone stopped him. I was scared to death to go to meetings, so I quit going, & eventually drank. I look out for the women today, to keep that from happening to them. Mine, I think, was an extreme case, but still, there are predators. I know when I first came into AA I was terrified anyway, I sure didn't need that. I have learned in my journey both in my drinking & drugging career, & sobriety. I use to look at men as sex objects. Today, I look at them as my brothers, I looked at women as my competition, today I look at them as sisters....both, for the most part. I can't think about having a 'relationship' yet, I'm too busy on my recovery, & making new friends, men & women alike. It's a beautiful thing, it's all new to me. I have to learn to give of myself as a friend, & sister first. The other is too scarey for me, & I haven't attracted very healthy men so far, so I must not be too healthy, myself, but I'm going there, I'm on my way. Did I just go on a tangent?
Labels: brothers, healthy, predators, sisters, tangent
Don't Have Links Yet...........
I only know of two people in this town (it's a small town) that blog. One of them knows how to put links on a blogger & he's busy, & the other I don't know well enough to ask. As I posted before, I am computer illiterate. So, that's why I don't have any people's links on my blogger, not in anyway cuz I don't want to. The busy guy is going to be busy quite awhile, so I guess I'm stuck without them. I will giet them put on as soon as possible. Please don't take it personal that I don't have yours on my blogger.
Love Sharon
Labels: Blogger, Links
STUDENT & TEACHER......
I wrote something the other day about denial. It's so insidious, & powerful. It interferes with my making healthy choices. My pride will defend my denial until the death, until I'm faced with death, or insanity, During this insanity, I have no clue what's going on, someone usually makes me aware of it. I just don't see it myself. This also goes for letting go of something. I try to help, but my help is not wanted, or encouraged at all. I usually offer a challenge. That is mostly how I've learned, from challenge, usually from my friends, who I know have my best interest at heart. I've hit enough road blocks, that cause me pain, due to my ego, & pride, or denial, that I listen now, I have an open mind. That wasn't always the case, I've had to learn, like most of us, the hard way. This saves me alot of anguish, & having to go back & make amends, as well as admit the person was right. Alcoholics in denial, & ego, are maddening. I'd just as soon not deal with them. Aren't we s'pose to share our experience, strength, & hope? Aren't we s'pose to carry the AA message? I've encountered some people that don't want to hear it. Then I get pissed, well, that's no good. I'll stick with the people who do, & will share theirs with me. I love that. We give to each other, we're each other's student, & teacher. That's equality. No holier than thou, thank God.
Labels: denial, learning, message
LET ME NOT TAKE MYSELF TOO SERIOUSLY..........
I am a fellow traveler on this road to happy destiny.....God is building my character, not me.....I am a work in progress, thank God.
To Search My Motives.......oh, what work!
I hope to hell that by now in my recovery I have learned to get honest about my motives, to know the difference between selfish, & selfless. That takes some soul searching, & gut level honesty. I hope to have that deeply ingrained into my new character, as I build my character. If I learn to search out my motives, on a regular basis, I think I will become comfortable in my own skin. But in the BB, where it says pride says 'you need not look this way', I have to get to know that part of me too. I have pride, & I have an ego, & they're messing with me all the time Or does it say 'fear says you need not look this way'. Same difference, I guess. I have fears too, to look or to go any deeper in the dark side. As I said before there's pain, & there's joy. I don't like pain, even tho my life has been full of it. I'm sober now, it's all so raw, so real. If I do this, I'll come out on the other side, & the other side is joy, & strength of character. Besides, I'll be able to spot the bullshit when it comes down the path, from me, & others. Boy! Some of the situations I've been in when I didn't see it, I believed theirs, cuz I believed mine, I guess. Isn't that how it works? I really want to practice love & tolerence. I'm thinking about deleting my post before this one, if you don't see it, I did, cuz there wasn't much tolerence there. I'm so disappointed in someone, & I wrote about my disappointment, what I did was condemn him, after finding out what I found out, & I didn't before, but I do now, feel used. I'm just in a long line of women he's 'helped', & fallen in love with. I think he keeps doing this, cuz he's not being honest about his motives in the first place. He, like so many (not all) men, have to convince themselves they are the knight in shining armour. Read the fairytales. Women believe it too. In reality, they just want in your pants, & the fairytale is, he's 'protecting, or 'helping', or 'saving' the woman. Alot has been done for the sake of sex. Then there's codependency, or is it love? Well, that's where recovery comes in, to tell the difference. Who am I to talk? I've got a long line of men on my wrap sheet. So many codepenent relationships. I didn't realize it till I really did fall in love, & I'll never be the same. If I never love again, that's ok, cuz at least now I know about love & passion. I didn't think I was capable of romantic love, until I did. I've known about love for family, & a friend, but not romatic love. Now I've experienced it & the memories, make me a rich woman. As the song goes.
ALANO CLUB..........
I love the Alano Club. It saved my life in eary sobriety. I hung out there alot, cuz I had alot of time on my hands & needed a place to go where there were recovering alcoholics. For a couple of years, I didn't go to any other meetings, I didn't feel safe, & I did at the Club. I got a sponsor & started working my steps, & went to outside meetings with her, & got to know other alcoholics outside of the Club. I had to go thru some trememdous fears in order to go to other meetings, fear of people was big. I just kept going tho, cuz I was outgrowing the Club. I needed to hear more of the solutions, & steps other than 1,2, & 3. I still go to the noon meetings at the Club, there is a good mixture of newcomers, in between, & old timers there, not so much at the evening meetings. I go there to give back. I go there to see old friends too. I found that after a couple of years, actually, more like 3 or 4, I became stuck, & quit growing. I needed to meet new people, & hear something different, & to overcome my fears of going outside of the Club. It became my cave, where I could hide out. Somebody outside might challenge me, & that they did, that is when I started growing, & changing. Not that I didn't at the Club, but I got to a point where I quit growing, it wasn't a challenge for me. I accept the people who are still there, but they are missing out on so much. If they would just get past their fears, or ego, & pride. That's what I discovered. My fears, ego & pride kept me there longer than I needed to be. It's a great place for newcomers, & for oldtimers to give back, & help them venture out. I love it on the outside, but I will always go back to see my old friends, & to give to the newcomer.
A WE PROGRAM.........
I find it pretty easy to love another alcoholic/addict, or anyone, for that matter who is struggling to be a better person. Especially if they weren't given tools growing up, we are starting over, & we're constantly changing, & growing, & there's pain, & joy involved. I love being a part of that, I love being a we, with the fellowship, with God...when I get out of the way, it works.
I heard someione say about having expectations. It's ok to have them, just don't expect to have them met, & when they're not, don't react. Good one to live by.
BOUNDARIES VS CONTROL
I have to tell you, I'm a computer illiterite. My friend Roy helped me out alot, & even set up this blog for me. I must have frustrated him, but he never showed it. He was very patient with me, & I appreciate him. If you read this blog Roy, thank you so much for all your help.
Now about control. A friend of mine has a post about controlling in a relationship. I feel the same way. We get into traps rather than relationships because we try & control the other person. I have found thru experience that there are certain things I can't allow in a relationship, & this is for my own sobriety, self worth, & peace of mind. I can't allow drinking/using in any form. That to me would be disrespectful of my sobriety. I can't allow cheating, or disrespect. That to me is not controlling, but keeping healthy boundaries, we have to have healthy boundaries, in order to have relataionships of all kinds. Respect of myself first, then & only then can I respect you. I have made all the excuses to protect my ego, & found out the hard way about having healthy boundaries vs control. It has been a long, rough road to discover some things, I'm still discovering, but I'm on that journey to a healthier self, & I have to surround myself with healthy people for support. I am not saying I don't help the still suffering alcoholic, I do, & hopefully by my setting boundaries I help the other person to do the same, I don't join them, because if I do, it is no help to either one of us, I've just let the sickness take us both down. I have found also why AA says men with the men, & women with the women. It's too risky when you cross that line, you have to ask yourself what your true motives are.
Labels: sobriety relationships boundaries motives
MY FEELINGS ON MY SLEEVE.........
I wear my feelings on my sleeve for everyone to see. I wish I didn't do that, it has gotten me into trouble. Besides, I don't want everyone to see how I feel, some people aren't safe. They show in my face, my body language. It's sometimes embarrassing. Nothing like walking around being an open book. Maybe I could take lessons somewhere to learn how not to do this. Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm open (a little pun haha) to them. Maybe if I paid attention to what I'm doing, stay in the present, I could control this. My friend Joey said there's nothing wrong with it, but I'm not comfortable with it. She also said it's a little late in life to change that part of me, she may be right. Do I need to practice acceptance on this issue? I'll look into it. A part of myself I'm not accepting that I need to, I don't think I can change it, my friend said that's just how I am. Ok, I'll work on acceptance, but first I'm open to suggestions on how to change it. Oh, my alcoholic brain. On & on. Just carry the message, Sharon.
SOME OF MY STORY.........
I see now, how selfish & self centered I was when I drank & drugged. I didn't care about anybody but myself. I was out to destroy myself, but didn't realize I was destroying my family too. I felt sorry for myself, & expected you to feel sorry for me too. I was suffering, & wanted you to suffer with me. Then I came into AA, & walked away several times. It's been some time coming, to become willling, or sometimes willing to become willing, The other things came after the willingness. Open mindedness, learning to reach out for help, becoming teachable. I am no longer consumed with self pity, anger, fear, remorse, & shame. In the process, my attitude has changed, & those things have been lifted. It's a amazing what AA has done for me. I'm not saying I don't go into self pity, I don't get angry or fearful, but the keyword here is, consumed, I'm not consumed by these. It's been a struggle, but it is so worth it. I don't have bad weeks anymore, once in a while I have bad days, & most of the time I have bad hours, or moments. That my friend is progress. I had to overcome me. I had to have a Higher Power, which at first was AA, & still is in part, my Higher Power is AA & more, now. I get around someone who is drinking, & I remember where I came from, & am so grateful I'm not there today, one day at a time. An alcoholic in his cups is pitiful.
My posts have covered my good days, & my bad ones, it's changing to a few more good days, I have more hope, yea! I hope this didn't sound like a lecture, cuz it sure wasn't meant to be, I'm just telling some of my story. If you got something out of this, great!
MORE LOVING..........
My hope is to be more loving. I can be so judgemental, & I start lecturing. I always feel like shit when I do it to others. Yet, when I work with a sponsee, I don't judge them, or lecture them, I use the principles of the program. Maybe it's because I see their vulnerability. I think I judge people more when they're in their denial, or pride & ego, but it is not my place to judge. I always want to put them in their place, get them down to their right size. Well, that's not up to me. But my friends call me on my shit, I want them to, but I think they are more loving about how thay do it. I never feel critisized, well, not from most. I tend to critisize, & yet I hate that. So why do I do it? I get angry, when I see myself in someone else, that's why I do it. I don't think it's against the person, but instead, me. You've heard them say 'let us love you till you learn to love yourself'. A good thing to remember. Maybe one day I will love myself, then I'll quit judging you, & I will be more loving..... to us both.
NO COMMENTS..........
My friend Randy died week before last of liver failure, he was in the program & had 2 yrs. sobriety, he died sober. I was beating myself up cause I've been in a funk. So I thot I was being in self pity, & selfish, & all that, but a friend suggested it might not be that at all, but that I'm grieving his death. That brings me to realize I use the program sometimes to beat myself up, if I'm a little down, or not following directions. That is not what the program is about, not at all. It is to help us live life on life's terms. I was really hard on myself when I was drinking & using, I really need to lighten up now. I, after all have to live with myself, & would think recovery brings us happiness. Yes, I have to be hard on myself, as far as being honest, but not beat up on myself. When I do that to me, I do that to you, also, & that's not the way it works. Love & tolerence is our code. I'll get thru this, I've been thru much more. I am so grateful for the program, & the friends in my life, & my sis. I had to remind myself of that, cause of this funk I'm in. I do start getting in myself, I get that fear of sharing in meetings, I want to be alone, I start isolating. All that is dangerous for me, but I know that, I wish I would get some comments. There must be noone reading my posts. So basically I'm writing to myself, & for myself, if I get no comments. I don't know why I keep writing. Because I like to write, but I really would like to get comments. I could go on, but I'm not going to, what's the use? Is anybody out there? Please comment.
REGROUPING.............
My life is not full of chaos today. It's been hard getting used to, but I sure don't want the chaos, & the suffering anymore! That stuff took it's toll on me. You know, it saps alot of energy. I'm still tired from it all. I'm still regrouping. I find that I am still doing some of the old habits from that kind of living. I have to see what I'm doing before I can change it. Awareness. I became aware of something today. Good, now I can change it. But I have to do baby steps, otherwise I get overwhelmed, then I get complacent. It's still all or nothing, but not as much. I am taking baby steps. Today is not a particular good day, not very productive. I have those days sometimes, it's ok, isn't it? I think when I get done here, I'll take a shower, & do some reading. Doesn't that sound good? It does. I would like to read more, I used to be an avid reader, then my life got real chaotic, this was in sobriety. So there's things that have to come back to me, because you see, I lost myself, & made a person my higher power. Well, as you know, people will always let us down. That's just a fact. I'm rebuilding my life now. It's happening slowly & it is much better, but I'm not where I want to be. I have to remember this is a journey, not a destination. So now, enjoy the journey, Sharon, enjoy the present, make the most of it. Get on for the ride of your life! Alright!
THIRD STEP STRUGGLE..........
There is a God, & I'm not it, that's all I have to know right now, for my third step. I have made such a big deal out of the third step. Is there, or isn't there a God? Well, what is my choice to be? But I have to fight with this, & complicate it, & put God in a box with a label on it. And what is that label to be? That's what I focus on, more than anything, the label. There are so many to choose from. Just call it good, I mean God. I exhaust myself. But what about this, & what about that? Why? Why? Why? Get out of my head, get back to basics, keep it simple. WHAT? Give up the fight. Oh.......but.....ok, I'm tired of fighting, I surrender....for now haha. And I'll do this whole routine again, but I'm getting closer, to my heart, & I'll open it just a little more each time to let God in, or let him out, which is it? See what I mean? I feel so ridiculous sometimes. Does anyone else do this? Please tell me yes. But then, I'd have to feel sorry for you. Oh, I struggle. Let him in. Bye for now.
ALL ABOUT REVENGE............
I know one reason I get depressed is: I read the Yahoo News. There is always something about Iraq, the Sunni's or the Shiite's killing each other off. Revenge, it's all about getting revenge. Is anybody awake over there? They're like robots, repeating, repeating, repeating, kill, kill, kill. It's all so sickening!! We need to get our troops home! They're not going to change anything, I don't care how many there are. Bush is not going to change anything, surely he knows this. It's history, & it's been going on for thousands of years. They're stuck! Every time I read something, or see it on t.v. my stomach just ties into knots! It's sickening! I want so much to stop it, if only I could. It's not just our troops, it's the Iraqi people, those poor people! How much more are they expected to take?!
I'll bet if we went back to the draft, the politicians would think twice before getting us into a war, cause their kids would be in it! For that reason only, we should go back to drafting. What a change of heart there would be. Don't you think?
