Monday, April 30, 2007

I KEEP LEARNING............

The people that have helped me the most, are the ones who were honest with me, don't always agree with me, or cosign my bullshit. Not the ones that always agree with me, or let me stay on the pity pot. Yes, I get mad at them sometimes, at the time, but, I know they care, because they are risking our friendship to be honest with me, & to help me, not enable me. But then, I have an open mind, & I want to stay sober, & more, I want quality sobriety, I want recovery. I appreciate someone who helps me cut thru the old beliefs, the old behavior, the old everything. Recovery hurts sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to stand on, when I'm cutting away at the old stuff. What is there left? Where am I going? There always is something to stand on, or as that saying goes, I am taught to fly. But it is uncomfortable for awhile cuz it's unfamiliar. I think when I'm uncomfortable, I'm changing, I'm not sure I'm s'pose to be comfortable, cuz then, I'm in the familiar. I appreciate the people who challenge my thinking, & my beliefs, & my behavior. My mind & heart are evermore open to challenges. I keep learning, & that's a beautiful thing.

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Thursday, April 26, 2007

SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS...........

When I first got sober, I was a week from my first yr. & I went back out. I was in & out for the next couple of yrs. Finally I was able to get 8 yrs. The first 5 of that, I had to deal with the wreckage of my past. I had medical problems, for one, I have advanced osteoporosis, & kept breaking my bones, & having to have surgeries. I got staff infection from one of them, & almost died. Later I found out I had hep c from my needle use yrs. ago. It was dormant all those yrs. & now had flared up. I had to go on interferon, & it messed with my immune system, I almost died from that too. After that my younger, & only brother died from alcoholism, he was 43. I was not ready for that at all. I went into a deep depression from the grief, my friends had to come over & get me out of my apt. to go to meetings, they cleaned my apt. for me, plus my mom was in such grief, it was just too much for me, both of us grieving so much, I regret today, not being able to take better care of her. That bothers me. Shortly after my brother died, I got into a relationship from hell. I was still grieving over my brother, & this guy wanted to take care of me, you know, be the knight in shining armour. He was just the opposite! He kept leaving me for other women, then would come back, & yes, I took him back. He treated me like shit when people were around, & was very loving, & attentive when we were alone. Never have figured that out. I think the relationship triggered alot of abandonement, & codependent issues. The death of my brother, & the relationship triggered alot of past losses I hadn't grieved over. The loss of both my grandparents, my dad, lost loves. I really thot I would die from a broken heart, I was in such pain. I like how one woman puts it. He broke my heart open. From there I was able to recieve Gods love. I had nowhere else to go, & lord knows, I needed it. I believe his love saved my life, thru the medical stuff, my brothers death, & that relationship. I got stronger, he knew I had to be, because 2 yrs. ago my mom died in mine & my sisters arms. We had hospice, so she was able to stay home, & we were with her. I am still grieving over her death. Then 6 mos. ago an aunt I was close to died. I trully believe God prepared me. I went back out, on pills next time, during the relationship. Got some sobriety time, I think 2 yrs. & went back out on pills again after my mom died.

I have 21/2 yrs. now, & am here for keeps this time, one day at a time. God hasn't brought me this far to drop me now. If you're new in sobriety, hang in there, even if your ass falls off. Go to meetings & don't drink in between. It really does get worse, my sobriety has been a hard road. Maybe it doesn't have to be for you. Just don't take that first drink, & have to start over.

I've learned some things, & one important one is to be grateful for what I have today. My heart was broken open to God's love. I always had compassion for others, but not for myself. Today I have compassion for myself, & others. I try not to take things for granted, esp. my family, & friends. And I have learned to live life on life's terms. They say that alcoholics graduated from the school of hardknocks, how true that is!

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

SOME THINGS BUG ME.........

How's the gas prices where you live? Here it is over $3 a gal. A friend of mine checked the crude oil prices over the internet. She couldn't find any current prices, but did recent prices. According to those prices we should be paying $1.29 a gal., that's
%50, which is what we are supposed to be charged. A study has just started on whether or not we're being gouged, the results will come out in the fall. I little late, since gas prices go up in the spring, & summer, & starts going down in the fall. I think it would be safe to assume we're being gouged. Another thing that bugs me about gas prices is self serve gas stations. In Washington state we have self serve gas prices, it's suppose to keep the prices down. I'd like to know then, why in the state of Oregon, where self serve is banned, & they have gas attendants, the gas is cheaper. Plus it provides jobs. There's nothing good about self serve gas stations. A pet peeve of mine, one of many.

I just want to comment on a comment I got on a comment I gave. Poor people, & the middle class pay taxes too, & these high gas prices, & the high cost of living, & some barely getting by on low minimum wage, & no health care. Somebody has to do those jobs, & they should get a living wage, & have benefits. Most of Europe has health care for their citizens. You vote for Bush, & you vote against yourself, unless you're rich. THERE! I said it again! Look at the facts, man.

I did part of my 5th step today, that's why I'm in a bad mood...just kidding. Yes, I discovered some more of my character defects, but also some assets. It's all good. I'll write more about that in another post. Have a good life.

I don't know if I mentioned I won a free massage. Well, I went in for the massage, & it was at a chiropractor's office. They took a bunch of xrays of my bones, I never did get the massage, am s'pose to go back & find out the results of my xrays, then get the massage. I'm sure it's a scam to get me to go to the chiropractor. I will go back, who knows I might benefit from the other, as well. Still, I was disappointed I didn't get my massage. I don't like being in any kind of medical office, & them asking me all those questions. I've had alot of health problems due to my drinking/drugging, & I don't like going back over it. It's embarrassing, & I still feel some shame about what I did to myself. It comes back every time this happens. Someday, maybe I'll get over that, but hasn't happened yet.

I shared yesterday about me acting as the AA police, & that I had to stop. This couple, I think, overreacted. They threatened me with a lawsuit for slander, & told me to back off. Isn't that ridiculous? Must be feeling pretty guilty. Ok, that's all I'm going to say about that. Some are sicker than others, I have to remember that. I am very protective of the newcomer tho. I can warn them, that's all I can do.

Lounge Daddy has another political post, of course I had to comment on that, & set him straight, LOL. Evil conservatives, that's what he calls himself, I'll go along with that. Love you, Lounge Daddy! If they only knew what is really going on. When you vote for Bush, you vote against yourself, unless you're rich. Wake up, people!

I'm off to a meeting. I like this meeting, of course, I like all of them, I learn so much, & hope that I share the message, as well. Looks like a beautiful day again today, I love it. Am meeting with my new sponsor today, I'll get thru this 4th step yet. I'm learning from it too, my character defects, & assets. It is so worth it. Love you all.

Monday, April 23, 2007

I WISH RECOVERY FOR EVERYONE............

I will not talk about anyone else again on this post, evidently it is slander. I need to just worry about my own sobriety anyway. My addictive personality takes over sometimes, & I get on a role. I love AA & am very protective of it, I don't like anyone abusing it, or hurting anyone's chance of getting sober. Much as I wish I could help, I can't, so I'm here for the next newcomer who reaches out, provide they have some willingness, otherwise, I would be wasting my time, & their's. If I've done harm, I am sorry for that, & will make amends. That's all I'm going to say about this matter.

The weather is beautiful today, it has been kinda cold, too cold to plant flowers, & I can hardly wait. I am going to Portland the middle of May to visit my sis. I'm really looking forward to it. We have become close since I got sober, what a change there! I will hit some meetings while there. I ran into this guy visiting here from Portland, got his name, so I can call him while I'm there, & we can hit some meetings together. See how God works? Cool. My sis lives in the Milwaukee area, I don't know my way around in that area, so God put this guy here to take care of that problem.

Am still working on the fears part of my 4th step, I'll do it a little bit every day, am almost done. Then there is my part. I want to do this, cuz I know I'll come out on the other side, it will all be so worth it. Not alot going on right now, I over slept, & missed my dear woman's meeting this morning. I love this meeting, there's so much support there. You know, it took me awhile to trust the women. So many here are housewives who didn't lose everything, like I did. Their bottom is higher than mine. I only saw the difference, & besides, women were always competition to me. I find that they hurt just as much as I did, & were really messed up like me. They hit their own bottoms. They don't judge me, which I thot they would. Hell, I was judging them, & myself. I have made good friends in this group, & another that I go to. I see the similarities today, that has been so freeing, & beneficial to my sobriety. My world got bigger. That's about it for this post. I hope I can stay centered in my own hoola hoop. I don't wish anyone harm, I do wish them recovery, we all deserve that. Love you all.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

I am working on my 4th step, I'm on the fears part, & I find I have alot of fears. Fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of being humiliated, fear of not being lovable, used to be fear of losing my boyfriend, but he left me, so that was taken care of, he abandoned me many times, by cheating on me. Boy, I went thru hell on that one. My fear of abandonment was unbelievably intense! I guess what it all boils down to, is not getting our needs met, not getting our ego met, is how someone put it to me. Which I didn't appreciate one bit.. I've had a chance to let that sink in a bit, & I think they're right. Fear of losing something we want, or not getting what we want, or not being self reliant. That was a hard one to swallow. Fear comes in many forms, & I have all kinds of them, they come in the way of insecurities too. Fear of not measuring up, the lovable thing, or what if I'm not capable of loving? I now know I am tho, so I got past that one, too. My progress has been a very painful one. I've had to deal with alot of the 'wreckage of my past', it came back to haunt me, in some big ways! I almost didn't get thru it. I will write about that later on. It's still too painful to write about, tho I know it would help me.

I am doing good tho, I work on that a little at a time. I've worked 4th steps before, & know I will come out on the other side, so, in knowing that, it keeps me going, & I actually like the 4th step, I like the understanding of it, the understanding of me in it, & I get a different perception the people of my 'resentments'. I have different fears today. I want to be a better person, I want to understand myself, & you, I want to be gentler, kinder, more loving, & patient. I have people I want to be like. The last few weeks I've forgotten this, I had a resentment, & it was consuming me, I have to let it go, I don't like the person I've been the last few weeks. Well, I'm glad I recognized it. Now, I can change it, with the help of my HP, & you people, & the steps. Thanks

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Faced With My Own Conduct..............

There's a woman in & out of AA, that I find hard to be around, cuz she reminds me of myself so much. I was so selfish, & self centered, it was all about me. I didn't have a clue how much I was hurting my mom, sister, & brother. My mom aged 10 yrs. & my sister gained 100 lbs. both worrying about me. I would give anything if I could take it all back, but I can't. All I can do is stay sober. That is what got me sober. I was done. I was so full of regret in the end, it almost killed me, I couldn't lilve with my conscious, my heart. The disease shuts us off from love, from our spirit, our HP's spirit, & we are left to die, or change. My hand goes out to those who reach out, not crying wolf, but are willing to go to any lengths. I can't waste time on someone who isn't willing, I might be denying someone else who is. I've had to learn this from my own experiences, & that of others. I wish this woman well, I do. I can hardly be around her tho, it hurts, being faced with my own conduct. I don't think you can help anyone who isn't willing, or isn't done, you couldn't me.

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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

GOD WORKING IN MY LIFE.............

I just came to realize, after reading something the other day about loving everyone, being patient, kind, tolerent, not gossiping, in other words God like, that I am human, not God. When I first came into the program I 'loved' everyone, I thot they were mini gods, cuz they were able to stay sober, & I wasn't. I don't know that I love everyone today, I do love some, & I care for many, except for predators. Then there are some I care about, or even love, but I don't like them, & I don't respect them. I can't put everyone in one lump sum, put them all into the same barrell, as far as my feelings go. This is good, I'm able to sort out my feelings, my picker is getter better, for friends, for lovers, for acquaintences. I'm a little better at knowing who is who. That's progress for me. I don't have to be 'nice' to everyone, but I can be respectful, & considerate, regardless of my feelings for them, & I don't have to act on my feelings, or what I think of someone, I don't have to be shitty either. I seem to be better able to know the difference. I've been doing this all along, but I wasn't in touch with my feelings, & didn't know what was going on till today. Awesome, how God works things out. It really is mindboggling, & I am grateful for the progress. I've done a bit of soul searching on this, & have been in some pain over it. Some of these people I was close to, but come to find out they were hiding from me, they are hiding from themselves & they got found out anyway. Am I making any sense? So now I have to put these people in my 4th step. For a time, I resented myself for being so stupid, then God told me I'm not, I just want to believe in people, & as it says in the BB, people are going to let you down. I know I've let people down, & I wish I could take it back, I can't so, I need to forgive those as I would like to be forgiven. Ok, ok, got it. I'm working on it. I'm feeling better, now that I've woken up a little more, & see God working in my life. It's ok where I'm at, I'm right where I'm s'pose to be. I used to hate it when people told me that, it's not so bad today. Hmmm. I don't like what I've done in the past, & some people are such a reminder of who I was, I can't hardly look at them, but I'm glad I at least see it in myself, so I can change it, & some of it has already changed, progress again. Thank God it's progress not perfection!

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Monday, April 16, 2007

GRATITUDE...........

I'm feeling very grateful this morning, for my life today. Things are going good, I don't have the chaos I used to have, thank you! I have problems, but I deal with them as they come. Well, most of them, some I put off, but not for long, as I did. My life has changed, due to the steps I'm working. I'm making healthier choices today, There was a time I did what was familiar, I didn't know any other way. Tho, alot of times it was hurtful to do that, I felt comfortable. I'm not comfortable with the familiar anymore...it is uncomfortable. I feel very blessed.

Today I am grateful for:

My sister, who is supportive, & loving.

My family " " "

My AA & blogger family " " "

My sobriety!

My beloved cat, Riley

My apt. that I've made a home of.

Transportation, I love my car.

The Steps!

MY friends

My Higher Power!

My sponsor

My sponsee

Meetings

That I get to do things

There's more, but you get the idea, there's so much to be gratefull for. I woke up breathing this morning, It's good to be alive! I take that for granted alot.

I love my new blogger family, & I do think of you as family, even if you disagree with me, it's ok, I know you all will be gentle & loving, as my sister, & AA family are.

I feel like I'm able to share more honestly in meetings, about my feelings, or whatever. I have a closer connection with my Higher Power. That's a beautiful thing.

I'm off to my Women's meeting this morning. I love this meeting. As well as some others. I go to two women's meetings, the rest are mixed, my home group is, & I love it too. There's a good mix of sobriety, age, gender, I like that. I'm off to my meeting, you all have a beautiful day! Love you.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION...........

Well, my landlady came by with the ins. adjustor, to look at my kitchen floors. He could tell when he walked on it there was water damage. Then he said, they need to be replaced anyway, the lanolium is really old, they haven't even made this kind for a long time. So! I'm getting new floors. Yay! I have to revise my letter now, there are still other issues that need attention, & I'm not letting up on them.

I didn't get a chance to tell my sponsor I let her go. She left for Africa this morning, & will be gone 3 wks. That will give me enough time to get stronger, to confront her. I don't intend to be nasty, am just going to tell her, she's too unreliable, that I have to move on. This whole deal with her, has slapped me in the face with my own character defects. I used to make excuses all the time, rather than do what was right. Or, I would avoid you. One thing she does is, shower me with compliments, tell me I'm a jewel, & that she loves me. How do you deal with that? By the way, I think I did that too, notice I said I think, I'm almost ready to face that about me. I did, to a lesser degree, but I still did it.

I love my new sponsor. She's forthright, doesn't pull any punches, but is gentle, supportive, encouraging, & loving. I'll have to work harder with this one, & that's ok. I think the work is going to be more intense, because I'm ready to deal with some core issues, that I have buried for so long. It's time. I don't want my life to 'happen' to me anymore. I want to be participating in it.

I had a spiritual experience a few days ago, it was awesome. I felt this sense of peace, I felt like I was home, I was with Sharon, I was Sharon in the present moment. What a strange & wonderful feeling that was. It was fleeting, of course. Now, I know what this is all about. It's about coming home, so you can be all that you are, & share that with others. I know there's more to it than that, but I think that's at the very core to recovery. We came in AA lost, & broken. We have the opportunity to put the pieces back, & make things right with others, with ourselves, with the universe. We are all connected, we are one. That's pretty powerful! Once we are at peace with our Higher Power, & with ourselves, & that is what my journey home is about. Respect, common sense, love, any number of things, more will be revealed. Selflessness, generosity.......I really get this Progress, not Perfection.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Well, my sponsor did it to me again, she cancelled on me. I absolutely am going to get another sponsor! I'm worse off since working with her than I was before. I'm angry, resentful, those feelings of not being worthy are being reinforced. It's getting to be more & more about her, & she's taking me for granted. I don't like feeling this way. So, I asked somebody else to be my sponsor, I'm meeting with her tonite. I've had a few things happen in the last few days, that have made me angry, or feeling like a victim, & taken for granted. I don't like the way I'm feeling right now, & I'm chain smoking, & eating. So I decided to write about it. For one, I'm having trouble with my landlady, so I'm writing a letter & sending copies to her, the property management place, housing authority, & the health department. My new sponsor is helping me with the letter tonite. So I can get them sent out right away. I stopped by the club to see a friend who volunteers on sun. nite. Two of my ex's were (the only two I've had for years. Anyway, the one I went with a few months ago, he already has a new girlfriend, oh, & he loved me. The other one, it's been 11/2, but I'm still in love with him. The one had his new girlfriend with him, & the other was talking about the woman he's with. I wanted so much to make a sarcastic comment, but I didn't, to any of them. In fact, I was polite to all of them. I walked away with my dignity, & integrity in tact. Then this happened with my ex sponsor. Am I rambling? It's because I'm a little anxious, & emotional. I am so tired of being treated this way. I tend to let things slide for too long. Every time my ex sponsor cancelled, I went along with her excuse, I was agreeing that yea, she's more important than I am, I'm not worth your time. Bullshit. Same thing with my landlady on not making needed improvements to my apt. Enough is enough. I am not a victim! I won't let anyone victimize me anymore. I'm sorry, this is not a vey productive post, or carrying the message, I had to vent. Hope you all had a nice Easter.

When we come to the edge of the light we know,

And are about to step off into the darkness of the unkown,

Of this we can be sure...

Either God will provide something to stand on or...

We will be taught to fly.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

I WAS JUST ANOTHER ONE.

Monday, April 02, 2007

I think I'm going to have to look for another sponsor. Mine has cancelled on me so much, it's not always legitimate either. Most of the time it is, but even at that, why is it always on my days to meet with her? I need consistency, I never had that growing up, & I need it now especially from a sponsor. Don't get me wrong, I love my sponsor, & I know she loves me, but I just am not getting what I need from her. When she cancels, esp. so many times in a row, it reinforces the feeling of less than, not good enough, I must not be that important. I need to be pushed in my step work, I'm on step four, & finding that I'm putting it off, & numbing my feelings. I need someone who is not going to let me get away with anything. I have cancelled a couple of times too. I need to dive in & do this. I don't know what to do. When we do get together, she's enthusiastic, she's taking me thru the BB, which is what I wanted, was to go thru the BB. She's so great in other ways, she's very loving, & supportive, but she's just not available a good part of the time.
I think there are some things I'm not dealing with. I take naps, I am putting off working on my fourth step, I've done quite a bit of it, but I need to follow thru. I'm numbing out. My creativity has all but left me. I want to enjoy my sobriety, I want to participate in my life, I'm not doing that. It feels like I'm working real hard at keeping the dam up, if I start really dealing with things, & really feeling, I'll completely lose it. I did that once before when I was in a relationship, that was very abusive, & it triggered alot of stuff. Well, I did lose it! I wound up going to jail for harming the guy I was going with. I had so much hurt. Not just from what he was doing, but it broke the dam. I don't ever want to do anything like that again. I still feel horrible for what I did, & I certainly do regret it. I know it says we do not regret the past, but I do regret hurting people. I hurt my family, I hurt all of my relationships. I have learned from it tho, & hope to never do those things again. I was crazy back then, & reactive. I have learned tools thru this program, to better cope with 'stuff'. I have a good support system, & loving friends who help me. I reach out, not as much as I should. I still keep things to myself alot. I have found another tool to help me reach out & that is blogging, I write about things, & I get support there from you guys. Thank you for that.

Love, Sharon

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