THE PAIN OF ALCOHOLISM........
I just read Meg Morgan, & Scout's posts. I cried. They reached my soul. I felt such compassion for them. Meg's post made me think of my brother, who died at the age of 43 of alcoholism, at his request. He had so many things wrong with him physically, from drinking, he suffered emotionally & mentally too. Anyway, the dr's. told him he had a year to live. Well, he asked to be taken off all his medications within a few months. It was so painful to watch him suffer like that. Then I had to watch my mother & sister suffer thru it too. It was such a painful time. I'ts been four 5 yrs. now, when I read Meg's post, that pain came back, for her, Randy & Jolie, & for me, my brother, sister, & mom. I was newly sober at the time. His suffering went on about a yr. till the dr. gave him a yr. then it was just a few months longer. That whole yr. was horrible. He kept having mini strokes, his brain was literally dying. I would get calls that he wasn't going to make it thru the nite, & he would, I can't count how many times that happened in the yrs. time. He couldn't quit drinking, so his wife put him in a mental hospital. Can you imagine? He wasn't crazy, he was an alcoholic, & she wouldn't admit that. So there he was, all of a sudden not able to drink, he was given psych meds, nothing to help him detox. We couldn't get him out for a couple of months. When he got out of there he had to go to an assisted living place with a bunch of old people. Oh, what he went thru! I still have survivor's guilt. He was my little brother, my only brother. I often think if I'd have done things differently he might be alive today, he might have quit drinking, got into AA. There's things I could have, should have done differently. I've heard all the contrary stuff, & it doesn't really help. I have to live with this what if? Maybe I could have saved him. I know all the stuff about 'I don't have that much power', etc. I don't dwell on this, but it still comes up, how do I live with this? I know, I've made it all about me. I need to let my brother rest in peace. I need to find some peace. This could take me out again, but not today.Labels: alcoholism, my brother, other posts, survivors guilt
posted by sharonsjourney @ 9:52 PM
4 Comments:
"We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it..."
One of the AA promises, that has come true for me today. I never thought I would get to this point of acceptance, but now I see that living in the guilt, sorrow, regrets of yesterday are dangerous forME.
The greatest gift you can give to yourself, your family AND the memory of your dear brother IS sobriety. To NOT allow another needless casualty to this disease.
Peace and love and HUGS to you, Sharon- be gentle with yourself
Thank you for the acknowledgement...I think in the end that is what we can do for each other...ALL of us in this sometimes painful life. Just reach accros the gulf and say "I know, I know" and keep on walking together. Who knows really what it all means, all those "what if's, and if only's ? The only thing I know for certain today is that if I stay sober more will be revealed.
My brother is still actively drinking, I am not sure if he is alcoholic but I do know he has spent time in a mental hospital having been diagnosed with schitzophrenia. Really he does very little and says very little, no one can tell how much he drinks but it must be about 4-5 superlagers per day and on top of his medication.
No one even the doctors know what to do about him?
my dad was an alcoholic and had emphasema (spelling all wrong there..) but he couldn't stop either... even to save himself he couldn't...
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