FELLOW TRAVELER

To Search My Motives.......oh, what work!

I hope to hell that by now in my recovery I have learned to get honest about my motives, to know the difference between selfish, & selfless. That takes some soul searching, & gut level honesty. I hope to have that deeply ingrained into my new character, as I build my character. If I learn to search out my motives, on a regular basis, I think I will become comfortable in my own skin. But in the BB, where it says pride says 'you need not look this way', I have to get to know that part of me too. I have pride, & I have an ego, & they're messing with me all the time Or does it say 'fear says you need not look this way'. Same difference, I guess. I have fears too, to look or to go any deeper in the dark side. As I said before there's pain, & there's joy. I don't like pain, even tho my life has been full of it. I'm sober now, it's all so raw, so real. If I do this, I'll come out on the other side, & the other side is joy, & strength of character. Besides, I'll be able to spot the bullshit when it comes down the path, from me, & others. Boy! Some of the situations I've been in when I didn't see it, I believed theirs, cuz I believed mine, I guess. Isn't that how it works? I really want to practice love & tolerence. I'm thinking about deleting my post before this one, if you don't see it, I did, cuz there wasn't much tolerence there. I'm so disappointed in someone, & I wrote about my disappointment, what I did was condemn him, after finding out what I found out, & I didn't before, but I do now, feel used. I'm just in a long line of women he's 'helped', & fallen in love with. I think he keeps doing this, cuz he's not being honest about his motives in the first place. He, like so many (not all) men, have to convince themselves they are the knight in shining armour. Read the fairytales. Women believe it too. In reality, they just want in your pants, & the fairytale is, he's 'protecting, or 'helping', or 'saving' the woman. Alot has been done for the sake of sex. Then there's codependency, or is it love? Well, that's where recovery comes in, to tell the difference. Who am I to talk? I've got a long line of men on my wrap sheet. So many codepenent relationships. I didn't realize it till I really did fall in love, & I'll never be the same. If I never love again, that's ok, cuz at least now I know about love & passion. I didn't think I was capable of romantic love, until I did. I've known about love for family, & a friend, but not romatic love. Now I've experienced it & the memories, make me a rich woman. As the song goes.

posted by sharonsjourney @ 10:21 PM