I GOT TAGGED.......
I've been tagged twice, first by Shadow, & I put it off. Now again by Michael, so guess I better get busy. Ok, here goes.
FOUR JOBS
1. My first real job was that of a car hop at a drive in. This was in the 60's when that was the thing! Once, I was adjusting a tray of milk shakes & cheeseburgers on the car. The tray tipped over, spilling everything inside the car, I was mortified! I think I got fired after that.
2. Another job I had, was actually a career in hair dressing. I traded that for my drinking.
3. Let's see, I had one as a receptionist for my father in law, I can't even remember what line of business he was in.
4. The most exciting job I had was that of a go go dancer, yep! You heard right. I did that for quite awhile, it was good money, & I got to dance with some damn good bands, which I loved. I had my own seamstress, she made the prettiest, skimpiest outfits that glowed under the black light. Boy this takes me back.
FOUR PLACES I'VE LIVED
1. We moved around alot as a kid, so we lived all over the west, & north west.
2. I lived in Boise, Id. actually, Boise was close to home, which was a small town, Boise was 'the city'. I lived there till I was in
my 20's.
3. Then I got married, & my husband & I moved to Portland Or. & lived there for several yrs. We split up, & I made several
moves back & forth, to Portland, then Boise. This went on for several yrs.
4. I lived in Seattle, & some of the suburbs of Seattle. I now am living about 300 mi. from there in a small town, been here
for 22 yrs. & it's the last place I thot I would settle down in. I miss Portland, & may move back there next summer, then
I'm staying for the remainder of my life. I have a sister who lives there. I love Portland, it is such a cool city. Where i'm
at now is real pretty, with the Columbia River running thru it. It is a small town tho, & we're being invaded.
FOUR FAV FOODS
1. I love chocolate, & sweets of all kinds. Candy, pies, pastries, cheese cake, oh I could go on.
2. Pasta, I really like pasta.
3. Seafood, well, steaks too. Don't eat many steaks tho.
4. Mexican food, tacos, enchiladas, tamales are my favs.
FOUR PLACES I'D RATHER BE
1. Portland, there's so much to do there, & they have the neatest neighborhood communtities, & shops, they're big on
community, & small businesses.
2. Seattle area, except it rains more there than in Portland, I wouldn't like that, but I think I could get used to it. I have
family that live in that area, & it's only 3 hrs. from Portland.
3. I would like to travel around the world, except for the middle east, I wouldn't want to go there!
4. I can't think of a country in particular I'd like to go to, there are many.
FOUR PLACES I'D LIKE TO VACATION AT
1. I'd l'd like to travel along the east, & west coast. Drive & take my time..
2 I'd like to explore my own country, Drive & take my time.
3. I've love to sight see, & shop in New York
4. I would like to travel abroad.
There you are, pretty simple really. It was fun to do this, & it took me back. There were good times, & there were bad times.
MY DAY SO FAR......
Well, today's a better day! Can't keep me down for long! I had a sleepless nite last nite, so I was up at 5:30 this morning, & of course on my computer stalking bloggers, & emailing. I love getting up early in the morning. It gives me computer time, then I still get more done, too. Unless I get really addicted & stay on my puter all morning, which sometimes I do, & that's ok. Anyway I'm still wide awake. We'll see how long that lasts. I might need a nap before I go to the women's potluck tonite.
Hey! You might see me in an Oscar Meyer Weiner commercial. They had try outs in front of the grocery store today. My friend & I did solos. I just know mine will be picked! First commercials, then the big screen. Watch out, here I come Hollywood. They gave each of us a no. & in a week we type in that no. on the internet, & can see our videos. In a week, I'll let you know the no. you can watch my video. It was fun. So, that's how my day went. It's been good! Have a good rest of the week! Love ya!
Oh! I did a mini 4th step this morning on a couple of people that have been bugging me. I feel alot better, getting that out, & knowing my part.
ADDICTION GOT IT'S WAY...ONCE AGAIN.....
No, come to think of it, I wasn't in a rage, I wasn't crying, I wasn't anything but a big hole, I was empty of everything, I was, like on another planet!! Truly I was. It was maybe a yr. probably six months before I had any feelings about anything. Then I grieved, & part of that grief was rage, hurt, fear, & extreme sadness. So, enough about that. I don't ever want to forget where I was at. I could get so 'well' I don't think I need any help, or lose my humility & not reach out for help when I need it. One thing I know is, this works by working with another alcoholic, You give help, you get help, you get help, you give help. That's the paradox of the thing. Wonderful how it works, we're taken care of, if we do that.
I am so upset with my friend. I'll tell you what happened. She thot she could rise above it all with her intelligence, thot she had us all fooled. She had a sponsor, she was sponsoring, she was reading the BB, sharing at meetings, doing the do, but apparently she was just going thru the motions. She wasn't being honest. She was using on & off the whole time. Just recently she was driving,going 60 mi. an hr & hit someone, the other driver was killed, & she wasn't even hurt that much. She is still using! I want to shake her! I want to throw her up against the wall, & scream at her, 'Look at where your disease took you? Look how many people you've hurt, & it killed a man! When is enough enough?!" That's what I want to do. I don't know what to do. I've called her, she called back twice, once I wasn't home, the other time she didn't stay on the phone. To tell you the truth, I'm glad, because I don't want to talk to her, I don't know what to say. I'm afraid I'd be drawn into her lies, or that I would be unkind. I will listen to her, but not her disease, trying to build up her ego, her lies, her denial. I won't do it. This is so devastating! The AA community is taking this pretty hard. I won't even write about how the people involved are taking it, I couldn't say.
Labels: another's addiction, early sobriety, how devastating, working with others
MY FAMILY......
I forgot to ad, not because they were less important in my sobriety, that their love & support got me thru my early sobriety, & my present as well. I coud never forget their encouragement.
EARLY SOBRIETY.....
My friend who is in deep trouble isn't reaching out for help. She's called me a couple of times, but didn't stay on the phone long. She is still using, which baffles even me, an alcoholic. After what happened I would sure think she'd have quit. But, it takes what it takes, man, this disease is truly a killer!! I hate it!! I've had to work on not being down about it. It's not mine.
This morning's topic was on anger, out of As Bill Sees It. Seems to me, I wasn't angry, I went into rage. It would come out of the blue. Or I would cry from the depths of my soul, & they both were uncontrollable. I was very sellf destructive, was always hurting myself, or I would find someone to hurt me, & sometimes I'd go into deep depressions, & sellf pity, that was like quick sand, I about didn't get out, more than once. I couldn't function, the depressions were so bad. Friends would have to clean my house for me. I was so vulnerabe, & needy, & I had deep seated fears, & resentments. I was hyper sensitive, & full of self pity. I was this way in early sobriety. It took going to meetings & sharing, it took praying, it took working the steps, & getting into service work to get me out of myself. I had to do baby steps. I faced & went thru alot of those fears, & with that became less sensitive, & got a little peace, got out of myself little by little. I was truly insane in early sobriety. It took time for me to reach out, that was the thing, I had to reach out for help, I had to learn to help myself, ever so slightly, then I got the help. When someone reaches out, the hand of AA is there. And it was, still is, but I have to do my part. I heard an analogy yesterday. It goes like this. Say you're on the Titanic, & of course it sinks. You've got people out in the water, some are dog paddling around, & some have their hand stretched out for help. Who are you going to help first? I did my share of dogpaddling. My hand is out there for help, but it's also out there TO help. That's the way it works. We have to be helped before we can help, we have to help to be helped. Another one of those paradoxes, I love 'em. Want to know how I helped in the beginning? I'll tell you, I didn't think I could help anybody, I didn't have anything to give. Well, people in the program told me I had my story,,,,share it. I started out by doing that, later came strength & hope.
Hope you had a good week end. I had a busy one. I'm behind on my housework, but not cause of depression, cause I'm busy What a wonderful difference.
Labels: AA, early sobriety
SHARON'SJOURNEY
For those of you who don't know, I changed my blog title to fellow traveler, but my pen name is still sharonsjourney.
WHILE I'M HAVING COFFEE.....
I'm feeling so much better today. A friend of mine said to just be there for my friend, & listen listen listen. I find it's hard to be around alcoholics/addicts who are in their disease, & denial. Something doesn't register with them. It's kinda crazy making for me. I want so much to help, I want to hug them, & shake them, at the same time.
I am feeling much better tho. I spent the morning stalking my blogger friends. I love getting up early in the morning & doing that, while I'm having my coffee. I also talked to my sister & confidante last nite about this whole situation, she was a big help, she's so wise. I talked to a couple of friends too. So I feel more grounded now. I have to watch myself, & not get judgemental when I'm dealing with my friend, I have to remember she's in her disease. It sure has changed her, & I don't like the change. But I know the real her, when she is sober & working the steps. She has a big heart, & has been a good friend. I can't deny her, now that she needs people who care.
I spent last nite visiting with a dear friend, & brother in recovery. I'm so grateful for him. We studied tradition one. I love that tradition, it's about unity. We're going to do this at least once a week, till we get thru the traditions, then go back to the steps. I get so much more out of studies when it's just another person, or a small group, then you can discuss, & really study them, pick them apart. I love it!
I think I need to let some of my blogger friends who use to visit sharonsjourney quite often, & don't anymore, that I've changed my blog title to fellow traveler, but that my pen name is still sharonsjourney. It's either that, or my posts have become boring. I hope it's not the latter. For those of you who are visiting, would you get the word out to them? I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.
You all have a great thurs. I will too. Keep On Keepin' On!
OUR DISEASE.....
By telling you about how alcoholism effected me, doesn't mean I don't take responsibility for my active alcoholism's effect on others, especially my family. I lied to them, I stole from them, I worried them sick, i really hurt them in a big way. I'm cleaning that up today, I made amends, & am living a sober life. They trust me again, & it took awhile, understandably so. Some wrongs I can never right. Some people died before I got sober, my dad, for one, my brother died before I had a chance to make amends to him, I was in early recovery. My sister, when I made amends said, "Sharon, look at how much you hurt yourself." My mom said all she wanted for me was to get my life straightened out, & to be happy. I expressed my regret to my brother, & he said pretty much the same things. They all forgave me. But that wasn't why, or at least all of why I made the amends, I truly was sorry, & regretted what I did, & said to them. I owned my stuff, & hope I continue to do so.
I've been depressed the last few days, for one, a friend of mine is in trouble, & I can't do anything to help her. Her disease got her into alot of trouble, & I can't get her out. I feel helpless, & am powerless. All I can do is be a friend. She has to do the hard part.
I am so grateful to be sober, I am grateful for my friends in the program, I am grateful for my family, I am grateful for my Higher Power, who today I will call God. I am grateful for waking up this morning.
Shadow, I will do that what you tagged me for on my next post. I haven't felt up to it. I'm doing ok tho, considering what's been going on. About 6 of my friends have gone back out. Is it a full moon? What the hell is going on? This has been a bad month! One of them is in treatment now, one is in deep trouble, & 2 have come back in. One lost her job, & is close to loosing her apt. I do believe it does get worse, it did for me, health wise. I've seen it happen over & over, in some way, it gets worse. I, myself have serious health problems as a consequence of relapsing. And I lost my true love. Hang in there, & don't drink/drug for today. I love you all.
AS A CHILD......
When I was visiting my aunt she told me I was a little adult when I was a child, that I was very responsable. I took care of my sister & brother alot, & I did my mom & dad too, when they'd come home drunk, or I would try to settle their fights. Then later, I married & took care of my husband. He & I drank & drugged together, but I had to be the responsable one. He is schizophrenic also, & wasn't on meds for it. Well, later I fell to pieces. As my alcoholism progressed, I got worse, then I got into drugs, especially meth for some years. I didn't drink much during that time. When I quit, due to illness, I had to quit & go under a dr's. care. I went right back to drinking, I picked up where I had left off, or worse. It is in sobriety I am learning to be responsable again, & it feels good, I like being responsable. I keep my apt. clean, I keep myself clean, I pay my bills. I hadn't thot about that for awhile....when I was a kid, but I used to joke about how I was more grown up when I was a kid, than as a grown up. It baffled me. That was when I was in denial about my alcoholism. I couldn't figure out why I had gotten so irresponsable, & childish. My maturation stopped at about the age of 12. I don't blame my parents anymore, my mom was alcoholic too, & my dad was codependent as hell. She was the one out of control, he was just trying to cope. He was crazy about her. Just to let you know a little bit more about myself. My aunt also said I was timid, & tender, that I tried to please everyone. That was for survival. If I pleased my parents, especially, I survived. So I was a people pleaser at a very young age. That's a hard one to quit. I've come a long ways tho. I please people today only when I want to....most of the time. I do have my slips tho.
My sister has a website called Ornamentia, she's got some really cool, & different Xmas ornaments, & they are very reasonable. Check it out, I think you'l like what she has, & I thot I'd help her out by telling you all about it. It won't hurt to look. Thanks
Sharon
The website is http://www.ornamentia.net
BIRTHDAY.....
Today is my bellybutton birthday, I am now officially a senior citizen (62) yuk! But since being in recovery I keep feeling younger. I got some birthday calls singing me happy BD., & a whole shit load of chocolates delivered by my sis. She knows I love chocolate. I have so many I'm going to share them with friends. Am going over to some friend's house tonite after the BB Study meeting, for pizza, I'll take some of the chocolates over there. My sponsor loves chocolate, so I'll take some to her too. One of the neatest BD gifts was, a friend of mine who went back out, was in a meeting today. I hadn't seen nor heard from her for a couple of weeks, & there she was in the noon meeting. She had 12 hrs. sober, & was pretty shakey. So her new sobriety date is my birthday. My sponsor celebrated 27 yrs. sobriety today, that was another birthday gift. I am so grateful to be sober today. Six people I know went back out just recently. Is it this time of year? What is going on? Seeing how they are, really hits home with me, the shame, the fear, the isolation, the shakes. Boy, I don't want to go back to that. One of my sponsees, well she fired me & got another sponsor, & went out shortly after that. She asked me if I would sponsor her again, I said yes, but that I expected her to follow suggestions, & not fire me whenever she gets upset with me. I understand that, I did it, & I told her that, you have to ride it out with your sponsor/sponsee, unless there's too big of a clash, on both sides. She is hyper sensitive, like we are when we're new especially. I still am, but not like I used to be. Anyway, am having a great day.
CHECK IT OUT.......
Check out my sister's website at
http://www.ornamentia.net
Enjoy!
VISIT WITH MY AUNT......
Hi everybody! I just got home from my visit with my aunt. She lives about 3 hrs. from here. I stayed 5 days. I had a really good visit with her. She's about 74, & you'd never know it. She walks everywhere, takes trips to the nearby city with her friends. She's very active. We had a very good visit, stayed busy, a talked ALOT! I need to vist her more often. I just got back today. She doesn't have her computer hooked up, so was unable to blog, or check my emails. I went to bible study with her, cuz she wanted me to. Talked to me alot about starting going to church, so I told her I'd give it a try....again. I've never gotten God in church before, maybe it will be different this time, who knows. The bible study was interesting, I had my say, which I'm not sure they liked. I wasn't rude, but posed some questions. The bible has never given me answers, but I agreed to go to bible study. Maybe I'll get something out of it this time. I didn't like the scripture they read, at all. The bible is so misinterpreted, I think it's too confusing, doesn't seem to talk an awful lot about love, unconditional love. But then, I haven't read the whole thing. Maybe a bible study will give me a better understanding. But look at the atrocities that are done in the name of God, & the bible. I just don't understand, & I think the bible is hard to understand. It is not good to take it literaly, I know that, but some religions do. I have a hard time with religions too. I have decided not to have a closed mind concerning this tho. The steps teach me to have an open mind. I'll keep you informed. I'll write more lateer, just wanted to let you all know I'm back. I missed you all.
MY LOVE......
This is so hard to write, because I have so much wrapped up in this man...my ex. The one I tried to kill. He had been cheating on me for a long time, & I kept taking him back, I still loved him, & yes, I still do. I was so deeply hurt so many times, that I finally went into a rage & tried to kill him. Yet when I was with him, I felt like everything had come together, everything was ok, that we belonged together. All the songs I had ever loved came together in him. He gave me that same spiritual feeling. We had just gotten back together..again. We were getting along fine, & then, out of the blue, I calmly walked up behind where he was sitting, grabbed the chain around his neck, & started choking him. He got away from me, & he called the police, & off I went to jail for assault. They did drop it to a misdemeanor because I hadn't been in any kind of trouble for 20 yrs. Lucky for me. I have never had that kind of hurt or rage in my life, that I can remember. All my fears came to pass in that relationship. Betrayal, abandonment, rejection, humiliation, loss of self respect, & incomprehensable demoralization in the end, but you know what else? I was afraid I wasn't lovable, or capable of loving, & having that kind of passion. All those happened. I found I am lovable, I found I am capable of loving very deeply, & that I am passionate. Yes I was hurt, but some good came out of it. I got thru those intense fears, I thot I was going to die from a broken heart, but I didn't, I lived thru it. I used to blame him, but I realize now, we were both playing a part, we didn't know. We both had baggage, issues, fears, we hadn't dealt with. I wish I could tell him that. Then again, sometimes I still get angry over how he treated me, but I get angrier at myself for allowing it, & I lost my self respect. That was when I hit bottom in my codependency, I hit so hard, I bounced a few times, & hit again, & again, until I came to that incomprehensable demoralization. I saw him tonite for the first time in a few months, & my little heart still went thump thump. I am wiser today, however. I know the two of us together are disastrous. I believe I will always feel love, & passion for him, but it doesn't hurt so bad, & I can be around him. That was not always the case. I cried over what happened with that man, from the depths of my soul. I believe all the times I had been hurt before, or all the times I hadn't grieved happened during that relationship. He was an instrument, to allow me to grieve, really grieve...finally. For that I am thankful. I owe him an amends. But that's down the road aways. I'm afraid to right now. See? I'm still afraid of rejection. Not only that tho, I don't know, at this time if I could get thru it without choking up. So, maybe it's pride that is keeping me from doing one. Or, maybe I should leave it alone. God will reveal to me what I should do. You know what song came on, driving home after I saw him? I LOVE YOU by the Moody Blues.
5th STEP.....
I did my 5th step yesterday. I'm not as bad as I thot I was, I was bracing for the worst. I have a very loving, & fair sponsor. I'm suree that had something to do with it. She didn't slap me around with my character defects. Now to get the 8th & 9th out of the way. Not that I take them lightlly, I don't. I found that I'm real good at being a victim, or seeing the world from a victim's view point. I was a victim as as a kid, & I learned that role very well. I'm an adult now, & I need to change that way of thinking. It's hard, that's probably one reason for my depression. Another thing is, I have a strong sense of fairness, since there was not alot of fairness going on when I was a kid. Those are good things to know, cuz now I can do things differently. I used to get myself into victim situations all the time. I don't do that anymore. In my sense of fairness, I can turn that into a good thing, like in my joining the Democratic party, I can fight for fairness in the government. I can delegate fairness. There were other things that came out, but these seemed to stand out the most, & have a definate pattern thruout my 4th step. You all have a good week end. I'm on my way to a meeting this morning.
