tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-319125222024-03-08T15:05:57.725-08:00FELLOW TRAVELERAs a fellow traveler, I hope to connect with God, the Universe, & my fellow travelers.sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.comBlogger215125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-63858905762848062542008-01-29T18:47:00.000-08:002008-01-29T19:00:57.805-08:00BURNT OUT......I read another blog who said he was burnt out on blogging & the internet. I think I am too, so I won't be posting very often, I don't think.<br /><br />Went to my second step study. I was a little disappointed. We didn't stay on track, In order for me to get anything out of this, we have to stay focused on the step we're on, I want to dissect it. At the second meeting 4 women didn't show up, that's not going to work either. Everyone needs to be committed to this, & the group. I don't want to have to go back a step to catch someone up. If these things don't happen, I'll be wasting my time. That's the way it is for me. I will go a few times to feel it out, see what happens. There are others starting soon.<br /><br />That's about all I have to post about. Hope you all are doing well. I'll visit you from time to time. Keep on Keepin' On.sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com32tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-58572891090042001282008-01-21T22:21:00.000-08:002008-01-21T22:24:06.265-08:00LOVE.....Martin Luther King said.....Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.<br /><br />I'd like to believe that.sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-3885834940243099772008-01-20T21:03:00.000-08:002008-01-20T21:32:52.231-08:00AFTER ALL THIS TIME.......I got a comment from, & discovered Contraposso's (sp.?) post about me just now. Maybe I shouldn't respond, but I'm going to. I posted about this person & her boyfriend about a year ago, I didn't give any names. I wrote about some things that were really bugging me. Well, I realise now, I shouldn't have put it on my blog, even if it was the truth. What they do is none of my business, & I shouldn't have picked up what is not mine. I own that, & I regret it. Evidently she's getting info that I'm still talking about her & her boyfriend. I haven't even thot about them, let alone say anything. I have learned thru the program we create our own hell. Untill we're ready to be accountable for our actions, we blame others for our misfortune. I don't really need to defend myself, I've done nothing to hurt her, since that post.<br /><br />As for the humility post. I wanted to share something I thot was cool. I didn't say I was there, I don't pretend to be. It is something I aim for. Hopefully if I stay sober, stay in AA, & keep working the steps, I will get there. I hope she does too, & we can put all this behind us.<br /><br /><br />I'll probably be sorry I responded to this, or maybe I reacted, & that's old behavior. Well, progress, not perfection. Boy! Her comment, & her blog came out of nowhere. That whole thing has been out of my mind for a long time. So, I guess my actions come back to haunt me, wreckage of my past. Damn! Change doesn't come easy, but I have changed, doesn't mean I don't pick the shit back up sometimes, tho. I'll have to talk about this to my sponsor. I'm sorry she feels the way she does, after all this time. I have been cruel, I can still be cruel, but I really don't like going there! It hurts others, & it hurts me, as well! Terribly!sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-44636325787602865602008-01-20T11:42:00.000-08:002008-01-20T11:44:45.410-08:00HUMILITY......'A humble person is more likely to be self-confidenet....a person who has real humility knows how much they are loved.'<br /><br />I thot that was worth sharing. Knows they are loved, I like that.sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-57797969353431795112008-01-19T15:53:00.000-08:002008-01-19T16:07:38.156-08:00TAKING CARE OF MYSELF......Well, I finally did it. I made some dr. appts. I've put it off way too long. When I'm depressed, or when my ptsd symtoms arrise, I don't take very good care of myself, I neglect dr. appt. & such. That's old behavior, & bad behavior, but I try not to should all over myself, either. Pam was talking about being grateful. That does help, to think of what I am grateful for, & there is alot!<br /><br />I made one appt. for depression, & anxiety, ptsd. I'm kind of afraid to get on a different anti-depressent, cuz it takes awhile to start working, & the dr. always starts me out at the lowest dosage, which doesn't work. I hate to go thru that again. But if I can get on something that will help me, it's worth it. I'm tired of feeling this way. I need to get into the steps more, too. Apply them to my life. I have to admit, I've been slacking. Maybe that's the crux of the problem, we'll see, cuz I'm stepping it up. I love it when I hit another platue in the steps! I made an appt. for an eye exam too, which is overdue.<br /><br />I slept in till noon today, & it's not been a real good day, but I can change that anytime. And I'm going to. Am looking forward to a meeting tonite. I will take my shower, that always makes me feel better, make my bed. Besides gratitude, doing something, anything constructive helps too.<br /><br />You all have a great week end! Love you!sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-51650465169493825172008-01-16T15:45:00.000-08:002008-01-16T15:54:21.586-08:00ASAP.......I got emailed a different meaning, or perception of ASAP= ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER works for me.<br /><br />My ptsd has raised it's ugly head. I've been having little fears crop up, feeling anxious, feeling a sense of doom, like something bad is going to happen any time now. It's not as intense as it used to be, but it's still there. It feels very uncomfortable. I don't like it at all, & it's constant, it seldom goes away. So, I need to apply ASÅP more often, I know that will help. Life is good, I just keep waiting for the shoe to fall off the other foot. Does anyone else have ptsd symtoms? I'd like to hear about it, but more important, I'd like to hear what you're doing about it.sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-18944388926896283692008-01-14T12:29:00.000-08:002008-01-14T13:25:56.537-08:00I'M FEELING BETTER......I've been meaning to mention this, & kept forgetting. We lost a blogger. She goes by Wine-o. Haven't seen a new post for months. I really liked her posts, & comments, & was starting to feel connected with her, I miss her. Maybe we could all say a prayer for her, that she is ok, & still sober. She was growing, & doing so well, then she dropped off the face of the blog world.<br /><br />I went to my first step study meeting last nite. I am so excited about it. We're doing an in depth step study, using the BB, & the 12&12, & each other. There are about 10 of us, a great group of women who's sobriety is anywhere from 2 mos. to 27 yrs. This will get my butt in gear, it's just what I needed!<br /><br />I'm going to a quarterly next week end. That will be fun, & a learning experience. I love quarterlies, assemblies, conferences, in other words, AA functions.<br /><br />I must have had a change in attitude, I'm feeling pretty good, & have for a few days now. I read something on Shadow's post for today, & it was helpful, & simple. Her thot for the day was: If you're feeling good, be grateful, if you're feeling bad, be graceful.<br />Now I know what to do when I'm feeling bad, I don't have to wallow in those bad feelings.<br /><br />In that step study group, we don't read the step in the group, we do it at home, & write about it, then discuss it in group. <br /><br />It feels so good to feel good. I was having these fears come up, & anxiety, & getting lazy about working the program, & taking care of myself. I went to some meetings, & heard what I needed to hear. I'm so thankful for meetings, for the program, & the fellowship, & my blogger friends, & my HP, of course.<br /><br />You all have a great monday.sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-55208650240905209612008-01-12T17:14:00.000-08:002008-01-12T17:58:16.142-08:00BACK ON TRACK........I feel better today. I stayed up late last nite, therefor, slept in very late again. Rather than let that get me down, & beat up on myself, I got some housework done, then took a shower. I feel so much better, being productive. Another thing I've really let get to me, is the treatment people, & addicts coming in to AA meetings, & sharing about drug addiction, even at closed meetings. I'm letting go of that, I have to for my serenity. A friend said to guide them to the Alano Club meetings. They have recovery meetings there, where you can share about alcoholism, & drug addictions, so I'm going to start announcing that. The Club gets alot of newcomers, & the way he put it, is that those meetings are good for newcomers who are one step from hell, they need these type of meetings. The alcoholic needs AA meetings, too. So, I found a solution, I hope. I am very passionate about this, I feel I have to be one of the ones to protect alcoholics anonymous, to make sure it's here for present, & future alcoholics. Perhaps I've gotten compulsive about it. If that's the case, I'm not helping, or carrying the message. Please don't get me wrong. I care about, & have compassion for the addict, they are not hearing the message they need to hear in an AA meeting. I will try not to mention this again. People are probably tired of hearing about it. The face of AA is changing, & that's a shame. I wouldn't talk about it so much, if it didn't keep happening, we are being bombarded. I know there are alot of dually addicted people, I am one, myself. Alcohol tho, is my primary problem. Alcohol did something for me drugs didn't do, it made me feel like I was ok, I'd come home. Alcohol doesn't lead me to drugs, it leads me to more alcohol. There's a difference there, I think. I'm just speaking for myself tho. So, I'm more an alcoholic, than an addict. I got off drugs with a dr's, help, & stayed off. Alcohol wasn't that way. I couldn't quit drinking, till I came into AA, & even then, it took some relapses, & time in the program. I had to do everything that was suggested, I had to find a HP too. I know it sounds like I'm putting the addict down, I'm not, I want them to get the help they need, & that would be in NA, & recovery meetings. Shoot me if you want. There are some people here, who would like to, I've been a thorn in their side. They don't want to hear the truth, they don't want to hear about the traditions, or the singleness of purpose. Too bad.<br /><br />My sponsor is starting a step study meeting for women, sun. nite will be the first nite of it. I am looking forward to this. There's a good group of women going. We met last wed, to get it started. It will help me to get more in depth with the steps, & I'll get good feedback, & different takes on the steps. I like that. We're commited for about a year. I'm not very good at makiing commitments, so that's another good thing about it.<br /><br />Well, we're back on the first step this month, & it's good to be reminded of my powerlessness, & unmanagability. That is something that comes up in different areas of my life. Yes, I have quit drinking, that is 100%. But I must work on my behavior, my thinking, old belief systems, self destructiveness, selfishness, pride, all of that, I could go on, the list is long. I have come along ways, but I have still a ways to go, always will, I never quit learning, growing, changing. Well, I do when I get stagnant, lazy, bored, complacent, or when I lose my humility, or think I know all, & become unteachable. Which, I go there from time to time, & when I get miserable enough, I get back into action. I've been there the last couple of months. Funny, how long it took for me to recognize it.<br /><br />I'm on my way to a meeting, that will pick me up. Hope you all are doing well. Thank you for your loving support, & thanks for not shooting me lol.sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-72684692989978627112008-01-09T14:57:00.000-08:002008-01-09T15:45:28.849-08:00WINTER BLUES.......I don't know what is going on with me. I haven't had a good nite's sleep for a couple months now. So, I sleep in late, & I don't like that, I get up, & feel like the day is half over. It almost is, it gets dark so early. I'm going to see my dr. about either putting me on a different anti depressent, or giving me something extra thru the winter months. I get more depressed during the winter. I haven't been taking any sleep aids, I wanted to get off of them, but I'm going to have to get back on my trazadone, if it helps me sleep, then I'll take it. Other than getting no sleep, & it being winter, things are fine. I try to remember to be grateful, cuz I really am, I'm am truly blessed. For one, I'm sober, I'm alive, I have a lovely sister who loves me, I have good friends who love me, & I love them. My life is good, there really is nothing to complain about. It's up to me to make the best of it. I'm lazy tho, & have to work at things, that's what the program is for, to help me live on life's terms, to help me have a qaulity life. It's progress, not perfection. I am learning this stuff, a little at a time, baby steps. Learning to want what I have, to appreciate that, & where I'm at, I have come far. I owe that to my HP, the program of AA, the fellowship, my family, friends, & my willingness.<br /><br />It has been snowing for weeks. I can handle that, am used to it by now. What I have a hard time with is the gloomy days. Well, I just need to know spring will be here before too long. In the meantime, I need to accept that it is winter, & adjust to that fact. Wish I did winter sports, but I have no desire to be out in the cold. So, there's other things I can do. I can putz around my apart., visit friends, write, go to meetings, visit the club. Have any suggestions? I need to get some hobbies. I used to, don't know why I'm not into them now. I also sponsor, & I love it! I care about my sponsee, she teaches me too, & helps me to remember where I came from. She also helps me get into the solution, & stay steps, that's what I want for her. It's very rewarding to see them grow, & be a part of that.<br /><br />Well, I feel better since posting. I haven't journaled for a long time, I blog instead, but I think I will start journaling again. I don't know why I quit. I've journaled forever, even in my drinking/drugging career, & I know it helped keep me from going completely insane, & over the edge. I continued in early sobriety, & somewhere along the line I quit. I think it was when I was in the depths of my depression, I quit doing everything. I don't know where I'd be, probably dead, if not for my family, & friends, who made me get out of my apt., made me go to meetings, called me, came over, helped me clean my apt. made me eat. This depression I'm in now is not even close to as dibilitating as that one time, that was due to deaths in my family, & a failed relationship, which was abusive. But I still fearing going there, it happens gradually, & before you know it, you're in hell.<br /><br />I have to get ready for a meeting. I look forward to them. I look forward to fellowshipping as well. I especially like the AA meetings, as apposed to recovery meetings, there is more unity in the AA meetings, & therefore more spiritual. I need to do a 4th step on the recovery meetings. They regressed from AA to recovery meetings, because of the addicts coming in, & disregarding the singleness of purpose, which is breaking, I believe 3 traditions. But I must cease fighting, & I'm tired of getting attacked for bringing this matter up. It amazes me that there are people that have frome 14, to 23 yrs. that don't know about AA history, or the traditions, & have a hand in making recovery meetings out of AA meetings. The newcomers aren't getting educated. I believe it is up to the AA members who have been around awhile, to educate the newcomer. If they don't, AA turns into recovery meetings, & you don't have the unity. Ok, I've said my piece, I'm very passionate about this, but seems like I'm alone on this matter. But you see, I owe my life to AA, & the program, & I owe my life changing to them too, so I am ever grateful, & will support the principles of the program, which is the steps, & the traditions.<br /><br />You all have a good one, & thanks for your support. really.sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-69178802102022106292008-01-08T22:41:00.000-08:002008-01-08T23:52:00.183-08:00WHAT IS GOING ON?I am hurt, disappointed, & angry, at people in the program. They've attacked me for bringing up the Singleness of Purpose in meetings. Some even lied about the traditions, tried to make AA their way. Some of these have 14 yrs. & more of sobriety. Can you believe it? For one, it astounds me that someone with that much time doesn't know anything about the traditions, or AA history. I don't understand why they are so against the Singleness of Purpose, or the traditions, the traditions are why AA works, they hold AA together. And yet I've heard one of these people talk about how they love AA, that it saved their life, yet attack me for bringing up the Singleness of Purpose up, & they lie, & even say AA needs to change to include the addict. I don't understand. To them, it's personalities over principles. They forget, I guess, that the principles, the program is our anchor. Yes, the fellowship is part of it, but it's all of us working a program that put us on the same path, the similarities. Where we are at. It is in sharing our experience, strength, & hope. I'm just surprised, & disappointed they are not more grateful to AA. It's the same as turning their backs on AA. So, for me, it's principles before personalities. It's been hard getting to that place, being the people pleaser I was, & besides, I like people, I need people, but I'm not dependant on them liking me anymore. I am dependant on the steps, AA is dependant on the traditions to hold together, & be here for the future. We must protect that, & stand up for them. <br /><br />What's happening is alot of newcomers come to AA from treatment centers who teach a drug is a drug is a drug, & they don't allow you to say you're an alcoholic, or teach about alcoholism, they teach drug addiction. Maybe not all of them, but enough do. AA was around way before treatment centers. AA is spiritually inspired, treatment centers are money inspired. We get alot of newcomers in AA who are talking about their addictions, most of them are addicts. AA can't help the addict. They are addicts in an alcoholics anonymous meeting, they are still different, & that's one of the things we as alcoholics, & addicts that we have to get over, the feeling that we are different. They are our cousins, who are dear to our hearts. That's what AA says.sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-48303232402072148352008-01-05T12:55:00.000-08:002008-01-05T13:15:31.011-08:002 YEARS OF SOBRIETY.......Well, things are getting back to normal for me, & I'm coming out of my funk. Sometimes tho, I get this anxiety, out of the blue, for no reason. I feel a sense of doom with it, I don't like this at all. Some say it's my ptsd, some say it's anxiety, & some say it's my alcoholism, & it's normal for the first 4 or 5 years of sobriety. You mean I have to go thru this another 2 years? I hope not. I've been riding it thru, & telling myself it's not real, everything is ok, & talking to god. It does pass eventually, but it comes back. Maybe it is just part of early sobriety. I don't want to go thru the first 2 yrs. ever again. I'll have 3 yrs. next month. It's not that I'm this way all the time, or that I don't have joy, I do, & I enjoy my joy, a little pun there.<br /><br />I do seem to be more centered these days, now that there's some routine in my life. Am starting on my 8th step, that's a hard one, it's painful. I pray to remain willing. I'm ready for that twist in the mind, the 8th step talks about in the 12&12. Those little twists in our thinking, what a miracle those are. Most of the time I don't realise it till after the fact, they're little spiritual experiences. Another thing that has helped me thru this anxiety stuff is that I remain grateful, I feel it inside, & it gets me thru the anxiety. I truly am grateful for the gift of sobriety, I am blessed with so much good stuff in my life, I don't ever want to take it for granted. I heard, then I learned to want what I have at any given moment. You all have a great week end!sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-39354046475054863142008-01-02T15:08:00.000-08:002008-01-02T15:28:42.648-08:00CHANGE.......I've been in this funk, & what acurred to me today was that I need change. I just did my 7th step with my sponsor. I think I have been stuck between 6 & 7, you know, taking the action, giving myself to my creator, not just thinking about it. So now I'm on step 8, & that's a hard one for me, but I have to keep the willingness thruout all these steps. That's what my sponsor said, & she is very wise, she's never led me astray. I've been wondering why I haven't been able to get out of this funk, until today. I needed to work my 7th step. I'd been stuck on 6. So I go into action & continue with my 8th. I've let up on my praying too. I need to get out of myself.<br /><br />My sponsor is starting a step study with a few women, so I'm going to that, I believe it is starting next week, I'm looking forward to it. She is also having some women over to do a creative outlet thing, tap into our creative side. I need that too. I have neglected the creative part of myself for a long time. I know I have it in me, & I've blocked it out. One of my character defects, that I turned over to god, is that I self sabbotage, am self destructive, I hope god took those. That would bring about some change, some good ones. It's a simple program, but it's hard work, & I'm lazy. The answers are in the steps, keep working the steps to the best of my ability. <br /><br />Hope you all had a good start on the new year. I enjoyed my day. It was uneventful, I stayed home most of the day, & putzed around, did some reading, watched a little tv, it was nice. I don't need alot these days, & didn't have any expectations, well, I did a little, but it was ok they weren't met, no big deal.sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com31tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-30962630228125181052007-12-31T15:22:00.000-08:002007-12-31T15:23:43.520-08:00HAPPY NEW YEAR!!sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-84022064642786317292007-12-28T14:49:00.000-08:002007-12-28T15:11:51.908-08:00STUCK IN THE PAST.........I am soooo over Xmas! I get this big hole in me at Xmas time, cause I want my dad, mom, & brother here to be with my sis & I. I want Xmas to be like it used to be. It hasn't been since they died, & it never will be, no matter how hard my sis & I try to make Xmas like it was. She has finally accepted it, before Xmas, I finally have after. That's the thing, is I have to accept, & adjust to that fact. The social worker at hospice, when my mom died, said when someone you love dearly, & who is very important to you dies, you have to shift your thinking. I don't remember him saying that, but my sis did, & just told me about it, cause she could see I was still trying to make Xmas like it was, & getting stuck there, so I had this big hole. I was either denying how I felt, or getting down on myself for how I was feeling. I didn't know what was going on with me, until my sis shared that with me. Seems like I have to hear from someone elsee much of the time, to validate my feelings. It's been painful, being in that place, where my dad, mom, & brother used to be, but no longer are. I wanted to talk to them so much, I kept wishing them here, & it seemed almost possible. This is where step 3 comes in, I think. Let go & let God. Also the Serenity Prayer. So I had a miserable Xmas of my own making. It didn't have to be. Acceptance is the answer, how true in this case. I'm working thru this. I have done better this year, I remembered to be grateful for what I have, which is alot. It sure helps the attitude, even if you do feel like shit. The new year will be better, as I keep growing & changing, with the help of those who love me, & the program. I am so grateful! I heard something in a movie I watched last nite, & that is, that you can keep a person alive thru memories, those I have, that I can do. Hope you all had a wonderful Xmas, & Happy New Year! It's going to be for me! Love yousharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-90274658442076367012007-12-24T16:52:00.000-08:002007-12-24T16:53:13.146-08:00MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONEsharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-16590241500835185582007-12-22T16:49:00.000-08:002007-12-22T17:35:38.076-08:00I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND UNGRATEFUL......I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I am, for my friends, my sis, AA, my HP, so many things, that I'm alive & doing well. I'm not really depressed, but this time of year I don't like being single. I want someone special, a signifigant other to share with, & spend the holidays with. It's not that I don't appreciate my friends, & my sis, I do, very much. There just seems to be something missing, like having my own family, my siginifigant other, a different kind of closeness. The holidays are for families, yes, friends too. I can't be with my sis, tho I can talk to her on the phone. I miss the family get togethers, I miss having a man in my life. I know a man is not necessarilly going to bring me happiness, I've learned that the hard way. Still.....<br />Maybe it's the idea of it, you know, you get it in the movies, the songs, you see couples holding hands, you see families together. I will most likely spend Xmas Eve, & at least part of Xmas day at home alone, & it's hard. I'm not looking for sympathy, just writing about it. I'm going to spend tomorrow playing Santa & deliver friend's Xmas gifts, that will be fun, I will enjoy that, So, I'm trying to focus more on things like that, & my gratitude list, I've been given so much! I don't think I was meant to be single, but I try & make the best of it. I just hope I don't get too set in my ways to get into a relationship, if that should happen. I don't think about it so much, until this time of year, & Valentines Day, of course. I am not holding my breath, till I get in one, or anything like that. I just get very lonely, I miss intimate conversations, being held, laughing together, special moments. I know a man is not going to fill my void, that's codependency, & I already hit my bottom in that! I don't want to, nor do I intend to go there again. I put my life into my HP's hands, it'll be ok, I know that, & I trust that. You all have a very merry Xmas, I will be ok. I have alot of love to give, & I get it back, what more could I ask for? I miss being held by someone who thinks I'm special, who loves me. But wait a minute, I get that from my sis, & my friends. You know what I mean. Am I being selfish? Perhaps so. I guess I'm feeling vulnerable, & maybe a little needy & sensitive. I miss being in love.sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-57271388108887527972007-12-14T14:58:00.000-08:002007-12-14T15:15:56.069-08:00XMAS TIME........I've been quite depressed, Xmas time is hard for me, I miss my family. But I have also been busy with Xmas doings. I'm feeling ok today, even tho I slept in again. That's ok, no need to beat up on myself for it. It's not just Xmas, I don't like winter, I get more depressed during the winter. Not much to write about, just wanted to catch up on my blog, it's been a few days. I still have a little more shopping to do for people here. I wanted to get my sister's done first cause I have to mail them. Besides, she is priority. This is the first year I haven't put Xmas decorations out, or sent cards. I can't let this beat me, tho. I just keep plugging away. I do know very well I have so much to be grateful for, & I'm not forgetting that. I think perhaps I'm grieving a little over the ones in my family I've lost. We normally would be getting together, or at least calling each other. But, I still have my sister, & am so very grateful for that, for her. I hang on to that. I tend to isolate a little at these times, I'm aware of that, so I've not let up on my meetings this time, I did before. I also must keep in contact with my friends, who are in the program, they are such a big support. Some of them need my support too, I can do that. I've been cleaning my apt. & puttering around, I like doing that. But, of course I have to take a time out to check my emails, & blog. That's another thing that is a big support, & encouragement for me, is my blog friends, you are a big part of my recovery! Thank you. If I don't post again before Xmas, which I probably will, you all have a very Merry Xmas! Love to you all!sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-11088678016084765502007-12-07T17:14:00.000-08:002007-12-07T17:35:27.163-08:00A NEW ADVENTURE......I'm starting on a new adventure after the first of the year. I'm going to go to school, & see about training for some kind of job. I don't know what yet, but there's a place called Skill Source that has all kinds of programs, including Sr. programs for going back into the work force, I think I would qualify for a displaced worker. I can't physically do the kind of work I did before, & I am lacking in computer, or office skills. It's scary, but exciting, I'm ready. I was unable to work for a number of years due to disability. I went there a few years ago & got my GED. I was taking office skills, but had to quit to take care of my brother, who was dying from alcoholism, & the grief I went thru was totally disabling, I got into such a depression, I couldn't function. So, I'm ok, & more balanced now, & feel I can do this. It certainly is worh a try. The staff at Skill Source are good at what they do, & are very upbeat, positive people, & make learning fun. I'm looking forward to this, it's time for a change in my life, & this will be a good one. I can get thru any fear I have about it, & I have encouragemenet. Of course I will keep my recovery first, this is another stage in it, another level. Learning new stuff is always a good choice. I want to wait till after the holidays tho, it gets so hectic this time of year, or do I make it that way? I will keep you tuned in on this new adventure, wish me luck, I'm sure I could use it. I'm on my way to a meeting now. Take caresharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-18103777169284176342007-12-04T15:32:00.000-08:002007-12-04T15:55:12.691-08:00I'M HOME......I'm home from my visit with my sister. I went there mainly to help her with dog sitting, & keeping things done up, fixing meals, & such. I cooked Thanksgiving dinner. She does Xmas shows at different places for her ornaments, & is away from home 3 days a week, just thru Nov. & the first week end in Dec. but she had help for that time. She got enough days off during the week, that we got to spend some time together. I went to two of the Xmas shows with her, & her partner stayed home. That was an experience. There were a thousand booths in two huge buildings next to each other. I did some of my Xmas shopping there. Anyway, I had a good visit, but it's nice to be home. I was gone for two weeks. Riley was sure glad I was home, he's been all over me, about licked my face off. I missed him. My sister has the cutest cocker spaniel, & is such a good, & happy dog, she was a delight to look after. I've stayed home all day today, unpacking, & puttering around here. One thing that was nice about being at my sister's is having someone to do things for, like cooking, & careing for, looking after, waiting on, which was a pleasure, she does it for me too. I live alone, so it was a wonderful change, made me feel good. It wasn't codependency either, just nice to have someone to look after, & having the company, someone (esp. someone you love) to look after. I miss that. Living alone is ok, but I really do miss that. We make the best of our time together, cuz we only see each other two, or three times a year. Oh! I have good news. First, I want to tell you, I didn't bring the subject up, but my sister told me she was considering going to OA! Isn't that wonderful? She has a couple of friends that go, one has for a long time. That makes me so happy! My prayers were answered! Maybe you put some my way, if so, thank you so much! That would be wonderful for us both to be in the program, & in recovery! It was nice to hear I've been missed while I was gone, so I was told by friends. That was another things I did today, was call them, & let them know I am home. I haven't cooked Thanksgiving dinner in years, so this was a pleasure. I don't cook meals for myself, it was nice to know I haven't forgotten. So now I need to get ready for Xmas. Doesn't seem like it should be so near. I just missed a big dump of snow, which it did the day before I got here, well, it had been snowing for days, I guess. The roads are ok now, I'm glad of that. Till next time.sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-87977324499597615852007-11-30T10:20:00.000-08:002007-11-30T10:33:22.518-08:00MISTOOK 9 FOR 0....SORRY.....I'm afraid I am mistaken, I had 9 comments about my sis,very helpful & supportive ones...thank you all. I misread the 9 for a zero. I thot that was very unusual, not to hear from anyone for so long. Sorry for the mistake. I showed her a title to an article that said junk food uses the same receptors in our brain as opiates. She has gone to my home group meeting with me, when she is visiting, & knows people who are doing very well in AA, & OA. As I said before, worry helps noone. I have to give her to my HP, & leave it at that. I want so much for her to have recovery, but I can't force it on her, I can only do my part, & I ask what that is on a daily basis. You all have a good week. I'll be going home mon. It's cold & snowing where I live, am not looking forward to going back to that! Still, it will be good to be back home. Thank you again for your support.sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-66465867621314297812007-11-29T15:51:00.000-08:002007-11-29T16:26:59.556-08:00STILL AT MY SISTER'S.....I don't know why, but not one person commented on my post about my sister. I'm a little dismayed. Oh well, I just keep on posting. I'm still here at my sister's. I'll be going homw mon. the 3rd. I'll be ready. I miss Riley, my cat, & my friends. I miss being in my own place too. Tho I am enjoying the stay. I've come to realize, worry does noone any good. I try to be a good example, be the best I can be. I have to let my sister live her life. She is doing very well, & as far as I can tell is happy & well adjusted. I'm so thankful I am in her life, & her mine, & we let each other be. What more could I hope for?sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-23413113370281702222007-11-24T10:11:00.000-08:002007-11-24T10:58:29.157-08:00MY SISTER.......First thing in the morning I have my coffee & a cig, then while I'm having my coffee, I check my email, then my blogger friends, it's a morning ritual. I love the mornings! Well it's back to the normal day, excet that I am still at my sister's. Her & I drank & drugged together, a long time ago. She rarely drinks now. She has traded her alcohol & drug addiction for food. Food is her comfort. She has gained over 100 lbs. in the last 10 years. I worry about her, & want so much for her to get into recovery, but I can't force it on her, neither do I say anything about her eating habits, my mom did that alot. I don't know, but I think she suspects what she is doing. It's not like her life is out of control, or she's unhappy. She has a very loving & supportive relationship with her partner. They have a good life, one that I respect & admire. She has handled her issues thru therapy, & has changed & grown into a lovely person. So who am I to worry about her? I worry about her health, but it's not up to me to say anything, or is it? Her partner is always making up or researching new diets for them to go on, so they know it's a problem. What I do, is make the best of our time together, & don't lay any guilt trips on her. She knows about the program, & knows about OA. I love her dearly & want to keep her around for a long time. Maybe I'm not setting a good enough example of what he program can do. I've had a lot of problems, & obstacles in my sobriety, it has not been easy. I have, however overcome a lot of those obstacles, & fears, I have come a long ways, she tells me so. But I think to myself, I could be doing better, I shouldd be further along in my recovery. But there I go with the coulda, shoulda, woulda's. That's my disease talking to me. My life is so much better, but I compare it to hers, & hers is a life you dream of having, that I would like to emmulate, but I'm not her. I feel like I could be a better example. She's much more succesful than I am, & I know that's not what you measure a person by, tho it does enter into it. Well, I'm kind of rambling now. We are very supportive of each other, & she is happy with her life, I guess I will leave it at that. I believe she knows I am here for her, if she ever needs me for anything. I just realized I'm still trying to make up for the harm I've done her, in our drinking & drugging together, I was not a good sister, or example all of the time. I've always felt protective of her...I am the oldest. So I was quite controlling alot of the time, in that I knew what was best for her. We had different ideas about that. That's no longer an issue with us tho. She's doing better than I am, & she now is the more mature one. I'm still working at it. I am alot better about minding my own business, I'm happy that we are a big part of each other's lives. What more could I ask for?sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-91655593857610604952007-11-22T13:55:00.000-08:002007-11-22T17:34:34.684-08:00WHAT I'VE LEARNED FROM AA......I'm at my sister's for a couple of weeks, for Thanksgiving,& to help her with some things, it's a good vacation for me,as well. I will tell you some of the things I've learned from AA. That is, that I have a fatal disease that can be arrested if I follow certain suggestions, & it is a daily reprieve. I have learned from the ones before me it is divinely inspired, starting with one alcoholic helping another alcoholic. I have learned to like myself more, & that has been thru working with others, by that I have learned patience, tolerance, compassion,& the feeling of love for another human being. I look a little deeper now, where is the person coming from, they have been thru hell too. That we all have a common peril, & bond. I've learned their is a power greater than myself. I learned that we are sick, trying to get well, not bad, trying to get good. There is God in all of us. I have learned to look for for solutions, & that my attitude, my perception, can make or break my day. I will continue this later, right now, I'm going to finish making Thanksgiving dinner. This I've learned, I have to apply, some days I do, some I don't. It's a wholle lot better to live, I have choices today. You all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!<br /><br />Some of these things I've learned, & am still learning,all I'm learning, & it's progress, not perfection. I am still learning the live & let live, the let go & let God. I have learned we are each other's teachers, & students. I have learned that alcohol/drugs are a symtom, that my thinking is the problem,& thru action I can change my thinking. I'm learning accountability, & responsibility, am still working on that one. I am learning to live one day at a time, I haven't got that down yet, but am getting better at being in the day. I've become more open minded. Mind you, I'm not perfect at all this, but I have, & my friends, & sister have noticed progress. My world has gotten bigger. I too,have learned the hard way people will fall off their pedestals. I don't hate myself on a daily basis anymore, either, nor am I as angry.<br /><br />I've had my dinner, & am full. It's getting towaard the end of the day, I think my sister, & her paratner in front of the fireplace, what a nice way to end a wonderful day. I truly am grateful for this day, oh yea, that's another thing I learned, is to be grateful, & am learning forgiveness, but not how to forgive myself yet, maybe that will come. Since I can't, I ask God to.sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-57527064383443662072007-11-21T15:59:00.000-08:002007-11-21T16:11:27.647-08:00HAPPY THANKSGIVING......I don't mean to sound harsh, or against the addict, I am not, I am an alcoholic/addict, among other things, I need help with all these, I don't bring them up in an AA meeting, I get help elsewhere for these other problems, it works for me. I have the utmost respect for the alcoholics that put AA together, & know they were willing,& did go to any lengths, or we wouldn't have this.<br /><br />I am at my sister's now, & having a good time, I'm on her laptop, which I don't like the setup as well, I'm making all kinds of mistakes. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, maybe I will post again while I'm here. I hope I didn't give anyone the wrong idea about where I am coming from, I mean well, & believe in this principle.sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31912522.post-14626273363572262772007-11-19T12:56:00.000-08:002007-11-19T13:37:39.487-08:00DRUGS & ALCOHOL......I know that there are a lot of dually addicted people, I am one of them. There are, however plenty of pure alcoholics out there, & in AA, that deserve to be able to come to an AA meeting for help with their alcoholism, & not have to hear about people sticking needles in their arms. We are getting a lot of meth addicts, & there are some pure addicts, that claim to be addicts, & not alcoholics, that come into AA to talk about their drugs, & addictions. These people have been talked to, & they continue to do so. I believe they are hiding out, they don't want to face their peers, or addictions. They come into an AA meeting & are still different, this is one of the things we have to get over, is feeling different, or unique. It's disrespecting AA, & the alcoholic. We're getting a blending, & a move away from the singleness of purpose. What about the guy who has 15 or 20 yrs. still needs to go to meetings to hear solutions to his alcoholism, & continually hears about drugs & addictions, & less about alcoholism? Is he going to go back out? Possibly. I learned in early recovery the difference between my drug addiction, & my alcoholism, & where to talk about them. Why aren't these new people? I think for one they're coming out of treatment centers that teach a drug is a drug is a drug. Alcohol may be a drug, but it is not a narcotic, nor is it addictive, for it to be addictive, you have to be an alcoholic. Then you have narcotics. Anybody can get addicted to those. This is my understanding, & how it was explained to me. I feel for the addict, & want them to get the help they need, but it is not at an alcoholics anonymous meeting, if they're looking for a solution to their drug problem. I didn't make this up. AA says so, from experience with the addict, again, & again. Yes, there are a lot of dually addicted people, but there are still just alcoholics, lots of them. I've seen them in meetings, & their look of bewilderment, & pain. I ask you this. Are the addicts, & the dually addicted driving them out of AA? I hope not. This town needs stronger NA, people who will go to any lengths, to get over their addiction (s), who will do what the alcoholics have already done, build a strong foundation in their program. Rather than run & hide in AA. I probably am going to get a lot of slack over this, but how many people are going to die from their drug addiction, & their alcoholism, before this issue is handled? I see alot of enabling of the drug addict, & pushing away of the alcoholic. It hurts to see this going on, & yes, I'm angry about it, but moreso, I am concerned. I don't claim to have the answer, I go by what AA's experience has been, & what they say about this. That it can't help the pure addict, & they can't become a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Maybe after the addict goes to some NA meetings he will realize he is also an alcoholic, but doesn't he have to address his addiction to drugs first, if that's what he's dealing with at the present time? <br /><br />Enough said. I'm going to be leaving for a couple weeks. I'll not be posting till I get back. Love & respect each other.sharonsjourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10397338051674165096noreply@blogger.com1