I AM ON A ROLL.....
I am on a roll today! This is my third post. And yet I would like to get comments on my other two. I just got to thinking, I wrote about not wanting people (esp. locals) to know my feelings, or what I'm thinking. That's not recovery. Recovery to me, is about not hiding my feelings, or what I think (well, sometimes) learning to get them out, & let people in. Learning to take that risk. Not everyone is going to like me, or agree with me, & what I need to know is that, that is ok. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't like me, & even if they don't...oh well. And just because someone doesn't like me, doesn't mean I have to not like them. Know what I mean? Liking someone is not contingent on whether or not they like me. How does that saying go? We agree we can disagree. I've seen this in service work. It blew my mind! A room full of alcoholics disagreeing, some of them yelling at each other, they can get quite passionate! At the end, they all hug, & say the Serenity Prayer together! Awesome. I don't have to take everything personal. It's the issue at hand, that's all. But I do think it would be fun to start another blog, I don't know what about tho, other than recovery. What else is there? We were discussing AA being, or not being your whole life. Well, it is mine, & that's ok. You see, I don't have family here, I'm retired, so I don't do things with people I work with anymore. I really don't have any other outlet. Church just doesn't do it for me, I'll admit, that's my prejudice, for one, I'm not good enough, & for the other, I just don't fit in. And AA is all inclusive. There's the old timers, which is nice, cause you've known them for a long time, they've seen you at your worst, & grow from that. Then there is always newcomers, so you have an ever growing family. Another things is, there is no graduation, which means we never quit learning from AA, from each other. Oh, that's another thing! We are teachers & students to each other. What better way to learn. And we know that we keep growing, we keep changing. What got us down one day, can make us stronger the next. I get to be a part of that. We are truly a society, & the goal is to learn together, love & tolerance.
BLOGGING.....
I'm thinking of creating another blog. Why? Because mine isn't really anonymous, it has my name on it. Some of the locals know about it, I therefore can't really be free in what I write, because I don't want them knowing my business. I don't want them to know how I'm feeling, or what I'm thinking. It's not even that so much as just being able to be anonymous. I don't think I want a name pursee on my next blog, because a name could conjure up certain ideas, or memories of someone you know, or knew by that name. I want you to be free when you read my posts, I want to promote free thinking, I'm looking for objectivity as well. Do you understand what I am saying? I have grown attached to Sharon's Journey tho, & like seeing my name when you send comments to ME, Sharon. It's endearing to me. So, I'll keep this one, & create a whole other one. Can I think of enough to write about tho? It doesn't matter, I'll write when I write, it doesn't have to be timely. Oh but, I'll have to also create a different style of writing, they, the locals, might recognize me. I like the fellow traveler, & I like Sharon's Journey, but maybe I want to write about something else besides my recovery, I don't know. Michael got me to thinking about this, from reading his most recent blog. It would be fun, that's the bottom line. Having fun with this, having a creative outlet, & I really do get so much from the comments made, as well as the other blogs. I love blogging, & reading others. It enhances my recovery so much. I love that my world got so much bigger from blogging. I read from people all over the world! That is sooo cool. Another reason for creating another blog, is that, sometimes, several times a day I think of something to blog about, well, who wants to keep up with that? I, after all, don't want you to miss any!
SUNDAY MORNING SPIRITUAL MEETING.....
I just got home from my home group meeting, which is a sun. morning breakfast meeting, & I love it. I love the group of people that go to that, & there's just something about a sun. morning spiritual meeting, that is glorious, to me. I can take on life now. Is how I feel coming out of that meeting, I get the spiritual food. We, most of the time pick a topic from the BB. This morning it was from the 'Family Afterward'. Those of us who have spent much of time in the world of spiritual make believe have eventually seen the childishness of it. This dreamworld has been replaced by a great sense of purpose, accompanied by a growing consciousness of the Power of God in our lives. We have come to believe, He would like to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is where our work must be done. These are the realities for us. We have found nothing incompatible between a powerful spiritual experience, and a life of sane and happy usefulness. The person who picked that topic said, his sponsor had him read that often. I'm going to. I needed that reminder of why I am sober, and why I am in AA. I need to pass on the gift given to me, and carry the message. I forget that, and get caught up in the world of me, and what is going on with me, and my childish resentments, or whatever. I must remember, I can always be of help to another, that is my purpose in this life, and on this road of happy destiny. That gives me usefulness. I didn't have that in my world of make believe. What a gift!
A NEW TURN.....
I've been a month without my meds, due to my not getting my papers to turn in for my coupons. I am doing ok, so I am going to stay off of them long enough to get them out of my system this time, & see how I do. I think I'll do ok this time. I don't have chaos in my life anymore, I'm not with some sick dude, messing with me. I am more at peace than I have been ever. My life is good. I've done the therapy, I'm working a program..to the best of my ability. I think I might be safe to go off of them. I want to be well. True, it scares me, it's unfamiliar, I am in new territory, but this is my journey, & I don't want to be sick for it any longer. I am not a victim anymore. I haven't been in a sick relationship since last Dec. so I think I'm ready to try something new. Like some healthy behaviors, like being responsible, creating happiness in my life. I used to think happiness came in a HIM. Turned out just the opposite was true. Until I can learn to be happy on my own, I can't be happy with another. I used to depend on someone making me happy, just the opposite would happen, because I had expectations of another to make me happy. All this time I've been on meds, I've needed them, because I've had some tragic things happen, & I was a mess, my life was a mess. I attracted messy people. I needed the meds, & they helped me thru all this stuff, but I don't think I need them anymore. We'll see. I seem to be getting more clarity, I want to see what I am like without them, now that I don't have chaos going on in my life. I've asked my friends to let me know if I seem to be getting off in lala land. I used to want to be sick, I thot it was cool, if you can believe that. I didn't want to get well, because then, I'd have to be accountable. I had an excuse, I was sick. What I was, was dishonest with myself. I am not claiming to be all well, but that is my goal. So this is a test, I will keep you tuned in how it goes. If I have to go back on them, that's ok, but I really want to give this a try. This is scary, I've been on meds for years, & I needed to be, so lets see how it goes. I trust in my God. I just need to keep the faith.
UNITY.....
One of our own died yesterday of complications from his hep C. He was sober. He had had problems with his liver for a few years, & was in & out of the hospital, this time he was ready to go. He was only in his early 50's. I am faced with what this disease does to us when this happens, which is quite often. We've lost a few, recently. This is one reason why, I am so addiment about AA, & learning about this disease. It does more harm physically than drugs, over a period of time. It destroys our liver, for one, but all our organs, really. This is one reason why the alcoholic needs an AA meeting to go to, & learn about his/her disease. The treatement centers, from what I hear don't teach anything about alcoholism, they teach a drug is a drug is a drug. Alcohol is so much more harmful physically, & they need to be teaching this, but that isn't in their profits margin. It's all about money. I am saddened by his death, alcohol took him early in his life. How many others does it have to take? The treatment centers need to get more responsible. I'm afraid AA won't be here for the true alcoholic in the future. This disease is centuries old. AA is the only thing that has been able to even touch on this problem. We have found a way out, & what are we doing with it now? We're letting treatment centers, & addicts dilute it, I've seen it happen over the years. It's scary to me. But then maybe I'm paranoid, I don't think so. I'm not saying drugs don't do harm, or that the addict doesn't need help. But they need to go to their NA meetings & learn more about their drug of choice, that would not be at an AA meeting. I'm not against addicts, I am one myself. Alcoholism is my primary disease, it is the symtom that got me here, & I was one sick puppy when I did get here, physicallly, mentally, emotionally, spiritualy. I had been brought to my knees by alcohol. I may turn some addicts against me, that's ok. Maybe someday, there will be an all step meeting...for everyone, with every addiction, until then we need to keep the singleness of purpose, the unity in our meetings, whether it be overeaters, sex addicts. codependents, alanons, gamblers, shop aholics, alcoholics, addicts, whatever. Tell me if you think I'm out of line, or being closed minded. I just know, that at the meetings today, not everyone is on the same page. I can pretty much relate to it all, but can the true alcoholic, well, maybe. I don't know anymore. I know that alcohol is but a symtom. But to me, the pure drug addict, & the pure alcoholic are a different species. The whole lifestle is different, for one. Ok, I'm not going to say anymore. I hope you get what I'm getting at. Yes, I know, I'm looking at the differences, not the similarities. I look at the old timer, who still needs meetings, or the alcoholic who has never done drugs & the whacked out meth addict that comes into the meeting, & wonder what the similarities are. I know, I'm being judgemental. I was once a whacked out crank addict, & I can tell you this, an AA meeting wouldn't have helped me. They didn't have NA then, & I hadn't heard of AA. So I went to a dr., & he helped me get off the drugs. I haven't been into drugs since then, but I did, shortly after I got well from the drugs, went right back to drinking, which is what I did before the drugs, & drank for another 20 yrs. & it brought me to AA. I risk being ostercised by writing this, I know, & I hope that doesn't happen. Hey, just about everyone I know is an alcoholic/ addict. But I do know a few alcoholics who have never taken drugs, & I tell you, they're not on the same page. It seems everything is about the drug addict these days, & I know it is a pressing problem. But let's not forget the alcoholic, or send him down the river. Ok, enough out of me. Shoot me if you want, but I'll still be here, trying to keep the singness of purpose in the meetings, & keep the unity. I want help for us all! I truly do. And yes, I get to practice love & tolerance in all this. Bottom line, we all need to be loved & accepted, & that is what I found in AA, so I guess I am very protective of it, it saved my life, I want it to be here for your children, & grandchildren. It has been here for 70 yrs., it has worked all these years, it has not been changed, I don't want some guy with 14 yrs. sobriety getting people believing it needs to be changed. I believe if people knew more about the history of AA, they wouldn't even think of changing it, that's trying to change God's will, & I believe, no, I know, AA is divinely inspired, He definitey had a hand in it coming about. Please, don't mess with it. Let it be here for another 70 yrs. & so on. Ok, I'll get off my soapbox, sorry. One more thing. There wouldn't be NA, CA, Alanon, GA, SA, or any of these if it weren't for AA being kind & loving enough to give their 12 steps to these other people who needed help. I think they knew what they were doing then, I believe that holds true for today. Ok, I'm done. Any feedback would be welcomed. My codependent self is asking you not to ostersize me, or think that I'm trying to ostersize any of you, I'm not, I want you to have the program of recovery of the 12 steps. And to end this, the more I think I know, the less I know, I'll leave it at that. You all have a terrific week end. It's going to be sunny & nice here. Yea!
SINGLENESS OF PURPOSE.....
I have two friends that are arguing about AA & it's singleness of purpose. One says the singleness of purpose is that Alcoholics Anoymous is for alcoholics, & it can't help the addict. This is why AA loaned the addict the 12 steps, so they could start their own meeting. Now, this is for the pure addict, who is not an alcoholic, not so for the alcoholic/addict. But that when you are in an AA meeting you announce that you are an alcoholic. period. The other person says AA is here to help everyone. I guess they don't know about the pioneering times when AA tried to be for everyone, & it didn't work, that's how, & why they came up with the singleness of purpose. So I guess to this person the addict is welcome, so is the sex addict. the shop aholic, the overeaters, the gamblers, & on it could go. Nobody would be on the same page. And there would be many, who wouldn't know what anyone was talking about, cause maybe they don't have that particular addiction. Do you see where this is going? It dilutes AA, & takes from it, the very thing it is now doing to help the alcoholic, & it's not helping any of the others either. It's one alcoholic talking to another, or one gambling addict talking to another, etc. We are getting alot of addicts in our AA meetings, even the closed ones, it is not fair to the alcoholic who comes in an AA meeting to get help with his alcoholism, only to find a bunch of addicts talking about their drugs. We are also getting alot of treatment people who preach a drug is a drug is a drug. The treatment centers are making money on this. They do this because there is no money in treating alcoholics, who can get free help by going to AA. The treatment centers used to send them to AA, but don't anymore, because there is no money in it, so they treat the addict, & don't even let them say they are an alcoholic, because they say it is a drug, just like the rest. Funny, alot of normal drinkers drink their whole lives without becoming addicted, so the alcohol itself is not addictive, the person is. Not so with drugs. They are addictive in themselves, & will get the person taking it addicted. Does that make sense to you? It does me. I didn't drink my way into being an alcoholic, I was from the first drink. And yet, I know people who can drink one drink, & leave it alone. Me, I can't do that.
So the arguement continues. Whether or not to let the just addict, or alcoholic/addict come into an AA meeting & talk about their drug, rather than their alcoholism. It is not fair to the alcoholic, for one. Where does he/she go to talk & learn about their alcoholism? An NA meeting?! Ridiculous isn't it? This has really become a problem in my town. I know a guy who has 14 yrs. sobriety, & is going with the idea that AA can help everyone, in fact, he says AA needs to change to accept the addict.
What do you think? Actually it doesn't matter what any of us think. I'm not speaking from my opinion. AA states what the singleness of purpose is. AA has gone thru this with the addict before, years ago. What they said was Alcoholics Anoymous can't help the addict, but the 12 steps can, you are welcome to use them, & start your own meetings. Why do they still choose to come to AA meetings. Does anyone know? I have a pretty good idea. They're still different. They don't have to deal with their peers. One of the things we find, is when we come (I'm speaking of alcoholics) into AA, we are not longer unique, we're not different, we're in a room full of other alcoholics just like us, & it turns out to be one of the beauties of the program. Not so with the addict coming into an AA meeting, they can still be unique, & misunderstood, get the idea. This is my opinion, of why an addict won't go to his own meetings full of addicts just like him, hoping he can get away with something. I've said enough. I'm sick of this whole misunderstanding, & it's effecting my sobriety. I have friends that are just alcoholics, & I am concerned for them, I am for me too, even tho I have been into drugs as well. I was able to quit with a dr's. help, but I needed AA to quit drinking. So I need help with both, but especially my alcoholism. That's why I go to AA. I need the unity of AA, I need to be with other drunks, like myself, I need to know how you deal with your isms.
JOYOUS EXPERIENCES.......
I wrote this when I was going to Skillsource for my GED in 1999. I was one of the reporters for our newsletter. I called myself 'Your Roving Reporter'. I had so much fun doing this. My brother got very ill, & eventually died from alcoholism, & I had to quit, & help take care of him. I was crazy with grief, & couldn't continue school. Here it is, my report on my graduation. It was a wonderful experience, & I want to share it with you. It's rather long tho. Remember, it's an article in a newletter.
GRADUATION '99 by Your Roving Reporter
Before I get into the graduation, I'd like to tell you a little bit about myself, that will hopefully help you understand why a graduation is so important, & such a wonderful experience for everyone involved.
1963 would have been the year I graduated, but I had other ideas & I got sidetracked. A few years later I took some classes at Boise College for my GED, I did will & enjoyed them. By then I was pretty much out of control, & my life defininately was.
So now here I am at Skillsource for the second time. The first time I didn't even make it thru their ACE class, I wasn't ready. I was cleaning up me, & the mess I'd made of my life. This time around I made it thru the ACE class, & then some. I actually got my GED! Noone was more surprised than me! The people at Skillsource, my family, & friends were very supportive. I also was lucky to have Hugo for my trainer, who believed in me, & went the extra mile for me. Of course, I had persevered. From the time I started at Skillsource, it was the camaraderie that stood out & continues to the most. From the time we first arrived at graduation, a little nervous, with anticipation, & at the same time on 'cloud 9'. We were running around giving each other hugs, & congratulations, & helping each other getting our caps, & tassles to stay put. Everyone was joking, & laughing, acting like high school kids (imagine that!) Shari had quite a time getting us to settle down & listen to instructions for the rehearsal. I was amazed the actual event went so well. Shari did the introduction & introduced Jim Lynch (our former mayor) who gave an interesting & humorous speech. I was surprised to learn he was a high school drop out. Also, he did some traveling, & joined the Service at a young age. That's where he started his education, & went on to become a lawyer, judge, & the mayor of our city. The AOS students were presented with their certificates first. Then the GED graduates received theirs. WE HAD ARRIVED! Here I am 36 years later standing up there on the stage recieving my GED. We were celebrating! Imagine! A celebration in our honor! I felt like I needed a reality check Next was the presentation "CIRCLE OF LIFE' was the theme. Jonathan Shuffeild sang the title song, as the presentation was being shown. which Betty Radce put together with PowerPoint. Together they were just awesome! Beautiful! There were more pictures to show after the song, & it was so quiet, until the next baby picture. Then you heard laughter, crying,(still) & aaaaaahhhhhs.
As I reflected, I realized this was what I had been chasing all this time. It was this good feeling, to be a part of something bigger than myself, & be among good fellowship, it was this sense of accomplishment. I tell people I'm a late bloomer. As a friend once told me, "Sometimes you have to go thru alot of dirt, before you bloom".
That's the end of the article. As you can read, it was such a wonderful experience, & I want to have more of those in my life. I want to accomplish more, which I haven't done in awhile. Oh yes, I've stayed sober, & that's huge, without, I wouldn't have any of the other. So now, I trudge the road of happy destiny, with hopefully more joyous experiences. I leave that to my Higher Power....I did then, I hope to continue to do so.
TRUE TOLERANCE......
Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well, & are frequently wrong & then we approach true tolerance & see what real love for our fellows actually means. From the Daily Reflections for today.
I would like to live by that. Some days I do ok by that, some days I don't. But when I do, I am much more at peace. A good thing to remember for us all. Progress, not perfection.
DEPRESSION......
I've had an extremely difficult last few days, where I've been in a dark place. I haven't gone there for some time. That's what resentments can do to you, if you don't take care of them when they pop up. I had dealt with this before, but it popped up, coupled with some other things going on with me. I'm ok now, but boy, I sure didn't like being there.
The area assembly is here this week end. We have 3 people in area officer's positions, that hasn't happened for a long time. That is cool. We've had some trouble in the past filling those positions. It looks like I'm gsr of my homegroup again. Ours bailed out, couldn't even finish the assembly. He's into his own stuff. This morning at the meeting I'm going to pick committment for a topic, & ask him what it means to him. Had he given me enough notice, I could have gone to the assembly, but he did this about half way thru it. Didn't even go. So our group wasn't represented. Our vote was counted, but we just didn't have a gsr there. I could have gone anyway, whether he went or not, so I can't blame him. It was my choice not to go, & I usually go to these. I was still in my own dark place. I hear I missed an awesome assembly. There were alot of gsr's there. I'm glad to hear there was such a good turn out, at least. That's what I get for being in my own self pity. Damn! Sorry I missed it. So there I go blaming again. I really need to work on that, stay in my own hoola hoop.
I know it's beautiful this time of year, but I don't like it. For one, there were too many deaths in my family. And I just don't like it anyway. It reminds me of winter coming, but I go thru it every year. I think I will have my anti deperessant increased thru the winter, come about this time, or a little earlier. Then take it back down in the Spring. Right now I'm without it at all. I'm hanging on to the program, & my friends in AA. I'm on review, & I forgot to fill out some places, so it's taking longer this time.
OLD AA.............
Well, I'm not too proud of that last blog. That is one of my pet peeves, people who have titles, as in my name is so&so & I'm a real alcoholic, or a true alcoholic. I didn't know there were levels of alcoholism, you either are or you aren't. That's what Shadow said. as well as people who come into an AA meeting & annoumce themselves as alcoholic addict (that is ego based) or just plain addicts (that is disrespectful of AA). I really have a problem with both. But, that is my problem, & I must deal with it. Not the other person, even tho I know other people have a problem with it too. But when all is said & done, we just laugh about it. What can you do? You can't teach people respect, & you can't tell them they're being egotistical, they have to see it themselves. I prefer people that are real, that come from the heart, & keeps it simple, they don't need to have a title. I think you have to keep it to what ever program your in, out of respect not only for the just alcoholic, but for the program also. As I said, I was brought up on old AA, I learned about respect for my fellow alcoholics, & AA itself. I have such respect for the people in AA before me, what they went thru to get this started, & keep it going. Back east you get the old AA, Out here, at least in this town, you don't anymore. I'm glad I came in when I did, before it got watered down. I needn't get mad tho, that's only a reflection on me, I wouldn't want it to be a a reflection on AA. After all, love & tolerance is our code. I need to practice that in all my affairs. Sometimes I do ok on that, sometimes not. I apolojize to the 'real alcoholic' for stepping on your toes.
I am very passionate when it comes to AA, I know alot of the history, & the pains that went with starting it, & growing in it. I don't like to see people disrespect it. Sponsors have to teach the old AA, let the alcoholic addict know it is AA, not NA. Why an addict comes to an AA meeteing, I'll never know. Why would an alcoholic go to an NA meeting? Of course unless they're both, & go to both programs, but I'm talking about the pure addict. I, myself am both an alcoholic addict, but I don't say both in either program. Well, enough about this. Can you believe it's almost the week end again? My town is hosting the area assembly this year, I love those, you meet people from all over, & learn alot about AA. You all have a good week end!
ARE WE HELPING, OR ARE WE ENABLING?
I am so frustrated, almost angry. I'm not sure what to do anymore to carry the message. I guess I mistakenly thot someone was reaching out for help, so I shared my experience, strength & hope. When someone reaches out for help, the hand of AA is there. Is that right? Well, I did that, & got a slap in the face, so to speak, in her response. I know one thing, I am grateful to AA, & the people in it, even the ones that told me things I didn't want to hear, I am grateful to them. I expect everyone else to be, & some are not. I have a question for you out there. Do you think someone, in order to get sober, & stay sober, have to be ready? Willing to hear the truth? Become teachable? Become willing? Do you think we should wait till they are ready? Or do you think we should keep working with them, & hope they get ready? Does the readiness come after they've been worked with? Do we stick with them, even when they keep going back out, but keep coming back to AA? Or do you think we're enabling them? Or do we leave them alone, but ready to help when they are ready. When do we move on to someone who is ready, & has the willingness to do whatever it takes. I was brought up in old AA, & they put it like this. You have to be willing to push a peanut down the street with your nose. What do you say to that? I fooled around with the program for a no. of years. I was so self destructive, I was killing myself, I finaly had to be done, I had to get the willingness, & enough humility to become teachable. Until then, I was wasting everyones time & energy. I can keep carrying the message, but it won't help the still suffering alcoholic until they're ready to listen. Please tell me if I've been misinformed. I have someone who 'adopted' me to be their sponsor, so I asked them to go to a couple of meetings, & we would get together & talk after the meeting, to see if we would be a good match. I also wanted to see if they had the willingness. She didn't show for either meeting, & hasn't called. I don't think I should chase her. A sponsee has to be somewhat responsible, in doing their part, they have to do the footwork, I can't do it for them, I won't. It's a waste of my time, & energy. Do you think I'm being too hard? I've come to this conclusion out of experience with others. I've had dealings with another alcoholic of the description I mention at the beginning of my blog. They keep goiing thru the revolving doors. What do you do with them? I'm out of it now, because I haven't been able to help her, tho if I thot she was serious, I would. I know, I have stayed sober, but I want so much for others to have sobriety. They make it so hard for themselves. It's hard to watch. These are neat people, but their disease has them by the balls! Wish I had a magic wand. that's not my job tho, is it? It's God's. I guess that's what it boils down to, trust in God. Give them to him. You see, the bottom line is, I still feel the pain from not being able to help my brother, & my mother, & I'm angry at God for not doing something. Why me? Why not them? Why somebody else? Yes, I'm angry at you God, & I'm angry at the people who fool with this disease, & the program. They're flirting with it, & they're getting their asses kicked, & are too stupid to know it. Or don't care. I've seen so much, lives ruined, not just the alcoholic's but the people involved with them too. And we alcoholics think we're the only ones we hurt!
I KEEP WRITING MY STORY......
Boy I've been on a roll, in my posting. There for awhile I was kinda depressed because I was getting very few comments. Then a friend said, does your blog help you? Who do you write them for? Once I realized I was writing for myself, & that it does help me, I've been on a roll. And guess what? I've been getting more comments. So, see how that works? Thank you Tod.
We were sharing last nite at the meeting about having a conscience. Some were saying they didn't have a conscience when they were drinking. I pondered that, & what I've come to believe is that I had an unmerciful conscience that I was running from, & drinking at. My conscience is why I had so much guilt, & shame, & remorse about treating others badly, hurting them, lying, stealing, from them. Then I would go into hiding, I couldn't face them. I'm talking especially about my family...mom, dad, sister, & brother, other members too. I drank, & drugged more & more, & it worked for along time, as long as I could keep it up. But it got to the point where it didn't work anymore. I couldn't get drunk or high anymore, & I couldn't stand living in my skin, I couldn't run & hide any longer, so I was at the jumping off point, I was to either drink to the bitter end, & die, or quit, get sober. I believe between God & my consceince, I was able to quit just long enough to get some clarity, & reach out for help. What a mess I was in, & I had to start cleaning up my wreckage right away, it couldn't be put off. It took me a few years to get any length of time, I relapsed several times. I got a loving sponsor who was also hard as nails, I got 8 yrs. working with her. I'll tell you about my next relapse another time. I had a tough road to go, my sobriety was not easy! The wreckage of my past, & life kept putting obstacles in front of me. It has taken some time to accept & deal with my past, & life on lifes' terms. There is nothing now, that could make me drink, nothing worth drinking over. Nothing bad has ever happened because I got sober, & I am grateful. You know the saying, wherever you go, there you are. I am getting more comfortable in my skin, I have friends today that are awesome, they are true friends, they're there for me, & I them. My conscience has some mercy today, most of the time, there are times it's unrelenting, & I pay attention. I remember always saying I was sorry, I got to where I was apolojiziing for being alive, that's how I felt. Not today. Today I make true amends, & it's not every time I turn around. I can breathe! For me, it got different, then it got worse, then it got real, then it got real different, then it got better. Sobriety is all worth the pain, cause there is happy joyous & free. Some get that right away, I didn't, & that's ok, it's all been worth it, it keeps getting better, yes, there are growing pains, but I come out on the other side. Well, I think I'm rambling now, hope I don't sound like I'm preaching. I just keep writing my story, I named it Sharon's Journey. How about that? You keep writing yours, cause they inspire me to go on, & stay on this journey. Oh something else that is awesome. My family & friends trust me today, what a trip that is! You have a good one.
PATIENCE & TOLERENCE.....
The 10th reminds me of how hard I am on myself. In turn I'm hard on you, whomever is in my space. I got a couple of nice comments from Guilty Secret, & Controposso, on my last post, about doing what's in front of me. I still think I have to 'do' all these things, & sometimes all I can do for the day is stay sober. Some days are like that, I'm good at the shoulda coulda woulda's. The 10the step deals alot with patience & tolerence. I've been practicing that with others, but not myself. When somebody at a meeting, or the Daily Reflections said to practice it with ourselves also, well, that was foreign to me. So yea! Give me a fcking break! I say that to myself. Thank you for the comments. My sponsor has been trying to instill that in me too, I didn't get it till last nite at the meeting, & then with these comments. I've always been one to work hard, & I've been letting up some, & feeling guilty about it, then I'm so scared of getting complacent, too, been there. It's not a good place to be, & is hard to get out of. Sometimes in the past I would set myself up. If I wasn't working really really really hard, & perfecting whatever I do, the steps, housework, exercise, etc. I may as well not do it at all, that is a set up. So, I just learned I don't have to be rigid, perfect, or some days even DO anything, I can just be. I'll take care of it, day by day. I do believe in praying every day, & reading my morning stuff. But, there comes a day I forget, or I get in a hurry, & that's just the way it is, but I always pay for it, so I try not to forget. So I'm learning to be more tolerant of myself, more accepting, patience will come.
DOING WHAT'S IN FRONT OF ME....
Do you do this? I have time in a day that I could get alot done. I get my morning routine done, you know, brush my teeth, make my bed, take my pills, check my email, & blogsites, then I take a shower. All's good, I still have plenty of time to get alot more done. That time in the afternoon, usually starting at noon (sometimes I go to a noon meeting, sometimes I don't) is where the problem lies. I've got all this time, & that's great. Trouble is, I can't decide what to do, that 'do what's in front of you works when it comes to my morning routine, they just have to be done on a daily basis. The afternoon stuff, well, I don't know where to start. I could transplant a plant, I could do some work on my 4th step, I could go visit the neighbor lady, who lives alone, I could run errands, that need attention, I could call the women in the program, I could read the BB, or one of my other great books. I know, do the next right thing, but they're all right things. Oh yea, & I could go exercise, & while I'm at it, why not run my errands, do some shopping? So I either sit & think about, while I'm chain smoking, or I get stuck on my computer, like I am now. I love being on my computer. I love to smoke too, & think. Or I go from one thing to another, starting doing one thing, & wind up doing something entirely different, & the first thing didn't get done. Help. Discipline, that's it isn't it? I hate to say it, but this alcoholic is undisciiplened. Can anyone relate? It seems I keep myself from doing things I would enjoy. Why is that? I would love to read a good book, or transplant some plants, or visit a friend. I think everything has to have a purpose, or be useful in some way. Maybe I'm too dicsiplined, & rigid. Maybe that's it. Be useful in whatever I do, it should have a reason, on & on. Shoulda Coulda Woulda. Is that it? Oh, but here I am in my head, rather than doing the next right thing. Any help on this one?
You all have a good week end! I'll be busy the whole week end, so I won't have time to do this stuff. I still have time I could get a few of these things done before the meeting tonite. So I'm signing off! Wait a minute, before I sign off, I wanted to say a little bit about the anger. I don't want you to think I'm going around angry all the time, I'm not, I'm just acknowledging that I do still have anger, I used to be soooo angry at God, all the time, I'm not anymore. I do get angry at Him, but less so. I'm still angry at myself tho, & I haven't forgiven myself for some things I did & said to my family, esp. my mom. I need to let go of that, I know, but I don't know how. Maybe I'm still punishing myself, I'm wasting my energy on that. Anger is not a motivator anymore. Love is. So, here I go.
ANGER.....
I started out posting, & not long after I finished it, & published it, I realized that I have been blaming men for all my problems, & directing most of my anger at them. This is so unfair. For one thing, they don't desereve all my anger, for another, they're only part of the problem. I'm the problem. I get angry at injustice, I get angry at the government, I get angry when my boundaries are being crossed, or I, or someone I love is being treated with disrespect. That's healthy anger. It lets me know when something isn't right. My sponsor gave me a book on dealing with anger, & in that book, (unlike the BB) it says that anger is a God given emotion. We can't wish it away. The problem is when we repress that anger, or lash out, or react in any negative manner. It says to love our anger, it is a warning signal. Because it is so passionate, we don't know how to deal with it, nor do we understand it. This book says to understand our anger, & knowing that it is a warning signal is a good start. When we get angry, it says to take a pause, breathe, concentrate on our breathing, & ask ourselves why we are angry. The answer will come. It' s not the anger that is bad, it is reacting to it negatively. I wish I had gotten this book a long time ago, it might have saved alot of pain, & misery for myself, & others. At one time in my drinking, & early sobriety I was in a rage, I had so much that I had repressed. So alot of that was from my past. I still have triggers from the past, but most of the time, I know that. I hate to argue with the BB, but, we're going to get angry, & it's not good to deny it, or beat ourselves up for having anger, we can learn from it. Anger is like fear, there is healthy, & unhealthy. They signal us that something is wrong, sometimes, terribly wrong, this is a good thing, we can do something about it, we don't have to be powerless over it. My repressed anger over the years got me alot of unecessary pain & misery. I went to jail more than once because of my anger, it got me in alot of trouble. And the depression at times was so debilitating. My lesson in all this is I need to allow myself to have angry emotions, & deal with it right away. All this time I was asking God to take it away, & I found instead I had to work with it. I thot I had done that, & I still get angry at some things, but I don't blame all men anymore, I don't blame my parents. What a relief. That doesn't excuse the men that abused me, but that anger I am facing now in doing my 4th step on them, & I'll be able to let it go. I can't allow myself to get in those situations anymore, & I attract healthier people, men, & women. There were women I'm angry at too, am working on it. That book was comforting, I used to think I was evil because I had all that rage. Not so. I have my shadow side, & I am learning to embrace that part of me as well. I'd like to hear your thots on this. You all have a good one.
SEX INVENTORY......
I think I told you I'm back on my 4th step, cuz I forgot (yea, right) to do my sex & money inventory. I've been going thru my sex history, & I got sick this morning working on it. I am not the person I was. I hardly recognize her. It's sad what I put myself thru. I know that by doing these inventories it cleans that shit up. But it's painful going thru it. I think men were just as much a sickness for me as the alcohol & drugs. The kind of relationships I got myself in, they were all abusive, & it wasn't all them. I carried alot of baggage into them. It always seemed to bring the worst out in me. So, I'm not about to get into a relationship for awhile, I'm still too sick, & I still have baggage, that little by little I'm getting rid of. I used to blame the men, I no longer do, because of seeing my own stuff, & realizing they were sick too, & had their baggage they brought into the relationship. I hope they are in recovery today. I am so grateful for this program! I'm so gratefufl I'm not in & out of sick relationships today. Nomore, they hurt too much! I truly regret the things I said & did. All I can do now is not repeat them. I'm working too, on forgiving them, & myself, but I s'pose that will come with the work I condinue to do. It sure makes a difference when you put that stuff on paper, & can look at it for what it is, but I'll need my sponsor's help with this, she's wise, & can be more objective. I tend to be awfully hard on myself. I still don't think I'm good enough to have a good man in my life. I hate to say it, but it is all about me, & becoming a more healthy, loving woman. Not for a man, but for me, & my family & friends, to start with. This work I'm doing? These feelings I'm having? It's all worth it to get thru to truth, & love.
I OWE AN AMENDS........
I owe an amends to people who go to church, for calling them dogooders. That was being judgemental, & I apolojize for that. I have friends that are Christain, & are not dogooders at all. They are genuine people, most of them are in recovery, but not all.
If you read this, please except my aplology. I was going by the Christains who tried to shove their religion down my throat when I was growing up. They were dogooders, & not open minded at all, & I got the brunt of it, so I judged all Christains by them. I have learned otherwise, since. I gave this God business a little more thot, & maybe I need to be a more accepting of HIm, & His love for me. I think He would like that. That would certainly give me more peace.
GOD AS I UNDERSTAND HIM?
Last nite at the meeting the topic was on our HP, or God. I interchange. I've always known there was a God, I just didn't know, I could have a personal relationship with Him, until I came into AA. Not till I read it in the BB. To me God was liteyears away, & was either too busy, or didn't want much to do with me. Then I didn't know I had a choice either, that I could make a decision on Him. I read about that in the BB too. Where it said God either is or isn't. Put to me that way, & I made a decision I would rather there be a God than not. I thot I was such a horrible person, until I read that God is in us all. That, for one, told me I wasn't so bad, for another, He was personal to me. That changed my whole attitude about God. And too, where it talks about like having the feeling for a friend, is the feeling you have toward God. All this stuff I read in the BB opened my heart, & my mind. I might have never found my HP if I hadn't come into AA. I feel love & caring for other people too, besides my family. That is God in me. I don't have alot of understanding of God, but I think he wants us to seek Him, & to question, He wants the choice to be ours, to turn our will over to him. He realizes we're not robots, that we do have our own will, & a brain to question. I don't think we have to be do gooders either, I don't think He wants us to change our personalities, but to change our hearts. I mean, I'm not a do gooder church goer, church doesn't do it for me, AA does. Should that matter? As long as we are even willing to believe, then turn our life & our will over to Him? That for me doesn't happen over nite. It is progress, not perfection. I wouldn't know how to act, I don't know if I could handle it if it happened overnite, tho I kinda wish it would. But I don't feel my time is wasted as long as I seek Him, & keep an open mind, & heart. This is my hope, anyway. You all have a great week end. Keep questioning, keep seeking.
THINGS I'VE SAID & DONE.......
We're on the 10th step this month which is a bitch. We read the step at the meeting last nite, & I started crying, thinking about some of the things I had said & done to people I love, mainly my mother, who is passed now. I think I'll write her another letter, & read it to her, in the hopes she hears it. It's not just that, altho that's the main thing, it's that I'm guilty of all those things. The feelings, the thots, the actions. Oh, & by the way, I thot I was done with the 4th & 5th steps, I'm not. I conveniontly forgot to work on my sex, & money issues. Can you believe that? Oh how sneaky I am! Luckily my sponsor caught me.
I had a really good day yesterday, then I went to that meeting. Some friends of a friend celebrated his 4th AA birthday. We bought pizza, a cake, & a few little presents. I got to chair the noon meeting, & his coin was presented to him. Spent the whole day with those friends, I had so much fun.
The post before this one has the letters & numbers for you to watch my Oscar Mayer Weiner, if you want to watch my video, it gives instructions how to get there. It was fun to do. Inside, I was smiling, & all happy, outside I don't show it, isn't that funny?
Ever since I changed my blog site, I haven't been getting many visitors. I wonder why? It's a bummer! I used to get quite a few, I don't know what the deal is. But I wriite for myself, tho it would be nice if I got more visitors. Thank you to those who have visited me on a regular basis, that's cool. You all have a wonderful day. I can't believe another week has gone by!
VIDEO........
Here are my nos. for the Oscar Mayer Weiner video that was made. You'll see what I look like, but not only that, maybe get to know me a little better. I have seen pics of alot of you out there, & it does make me feel closer. One thing I know is, I'm not going to Hollywood! Ok, the letters are capitol letters, then some no's. EZT67J First, go to Google & type in singajingle.com. click the first singajingle cache, a video box will appear, wait for watch your vidio to come up in the video box, & click it then type in the letters & no's. I should appear singing the Oscar Mayer Weiner song. Hope you enjoy it. It was fun.
I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN TO BE GRATEFUL.......
Well, Fall is here. Usually our falls are warm, still. In fact we often have warm weather up thru Oct. sometimes even into Nov. But not this year. It's been cold & rainy, & I'm not ready for the cold weather just yet. So, I've been in a funk, probably because of that, & then knowing winter is around the corner. It often is harsh in the winter, lots of snow, & of course really cold. I don't like getting out in it. This is where the Serenity Prayer comes in handy. The sun is out today, & it's warmer, so that's good. I think besides having depression anyway, I also have that seasonal depression. So I'm going to see about upping my anti depressent dose for the winter, that might help. I've been praying for willingness too, like suggested, & it seems to be helping, along with the Serenity Prayer. I've let a few friends know, well, they knew anyway, that I've been in a funk, they've all asked me over. I feel guilty cause I'm in a funk, I have so much to be grateful for, here's my list.
God
AA
My family
My sis
My friends & support group, that includes the ones in blogsphere
That I have choices today, I CAN get out of this funk.
That I have a warm, cozy apt.
Books
Musi
My cat, Riley
My health
That I can laugh today
My computer, I can't forget that
That I repaired my relationsip with my family
That the sun is out today
My beautiful car
That I have new tools to live by
That I have the privilege to have a valid driver's license, & am able to drive.
That I'm not in trouble with the law
I hope I'm not in trouble with God
The Closer, & Saving Grace (2 tv shows I really like)
A sense of humor
My sponsor
My sponsees
There's more, but I'll stop there. Hope you all have a wonderful rest of the day.
COMPLACENCY.......
I had to let a sponsee go, I don't like having to do that. I'll bend over backwards for them, but they have to do their part, they have to meet a few requirments, & she wasn't doing that, it has happened before with her, & I let it slide, but I felt this time I had to let her go, cuz it didn't seem like I was helping her.
I myself am having a little diffiiculty in doing my assignments, I think I'm getting complacent. I have been there before, & it's a bitch to get out of. Any suggestions from anyone would be welcomed. I've been praying for God to show me His will, & give me the courage, & willingness to carry it out. My willingness, I think has been lacking. I've been pretty busy with other assignments too. Besides being an alcoholic, I also have ptsd, & ADD, & they, along with my alcohoism, are playing havoc with me. I just get tired sometimes, of something always hitting me in the face, & I have to figure out which one it is, & what to do about it. I need to keep working my steps with my sponsor, I know that, & do what I can at home by myself, & working with my sponsees, as well as talking to other alcoholics. I've had a hard go of it. Some devastating things have happened in my life, that set me back. I know I can't use that as an excuse, but it has set me back, in my willingness. Not just stuff happening to me, but to my friends too. But you know what? I am grateful today for the program, & the people in it, & my HP of course. What more could I ask for? It willl come, if I keep praying & keep my sobriety foremost in my heart. Happy Monday!
