Faced With My Own Conduct..............
There's a woman in & out of AA, that I find hard to be around, cuz she reminds me of myself so much. I was so selfish, & self centered, it was all about me. I didn't have a clue how much I was hurting my mom, sister, & brother. My mom aged 10 yrs. & my sister gained 100 lbs. both worrying about me. I would give anything if I could take it all back, but I can't. All I can do is stay sober. That is what got me sober. I was done. I was so full of regret in the end, it almost killed me, I couldn't lilve with my conscious, my heart. The disease shuts us off from love, from our spirit, our HP's spirit, & we are left to die, or change. My hand goes out to those who reach out, not crying wolf, but are willing to go to any lengths. I can't waste time on someone who isn't willing, I might be denying someone else who is. I've had to learn this from my own experiences, & that of others. I wish this woman well, I do. I can hardly be around her tho, it hurts, being faced with my own conduct. I don't think you can help anyone who isn't willing, or isn't done, you couldn't me.
Labels: alcoholism, done with the disease. hurt., spirit, willingness
THE PAIN OF ALCOHOLISM........
I just read Meg Morgan, & Scout's posts. I cried. They reached my soul. I felt such compassion for them. Meg's post made me think of my brother, who died at the age of 43 of alcoholism, at his request. He had so many things wrong with him physically, from drinking, he suffered emotionally & mentally too. Anyway, the dr's. told him he had a year to live. Well, he asked to be taken off all his medications within a few months. It was so painful to watch him suffer like that. Then I had to watch my mother & sister suffer thru it too. It was such a painful time. I'ts been four 5 yrs. now, when I read Meg's post, that pain came back, for her, Randy & Jolie, & for me, my brother, sister, & mom. I was newly sober at the time. His suffering went on about a yr. till the dr. gave him a yr. then it was just a few months longer. That whole yr. was horrible. He kept having mini strokes, his brain was literally dying. I would get calls that he wasn't going to make it thru the nite, & he would, I can't count how many times that happened in the yrs. time. He couldn't quit drinking, so his wife put him in a mental hospital. Can you imagine? He wasn't crazy, he was an alcoholic, & she wouldn't admit that. So there he was, all of a sudden not able to drink, he was given psych meds, nothing to help him detox. We couldn't get him out for a couple of months. When he got out of there he had to go to an assisted living place with a bunch of old people. Oh, what he went thru! I still have survivor's guilt. He was my little brother, my only brother. I often think if I'd have done things differently he might be alive today, he might have quit drinking, got into AA. There's things I could have, should have done differently. I've heard all the contrary stuff, & it doesn't really help. I have to live with this what if? Maybe I could have saved him. I know all the stuff about 'I don't have that much power', etc. I don't dwell on this, but it still comes up, how do I live with this? I know, I've made it all about me. I need to let my brother rest in peace. I need to find some peace. This could take me out again, but not today.
Labels: alcoholism, my brother, other posts, survivors guilt
