Sunday, November 26, 2006

RAMBLINGS.......

I read in the news where the violence is getting worse in Iraq. They're hitting an all time low. They're using chainshaws on people, then shooting them. They're also pouring kerosene on them, & lighting them, burning them alive. They is the Shiites, doing this to the Sunni's. It just makes me sick, & shakes my faith in God, how could a God allow this to happen? I want our troops out of there as soon as possible.

I also got a Googe video on coporations. If you get it, watch it. It's very interesting. Corporations rule the country you know, & that is scary business. As a group of people running a business, the bottom line is making a profit, at all costs, they are psychopaths when it comes to their corporation, that is most of them, not all, but enough to worry about. They have not conscience when it comes to the public, the enviroment, anything. Nothing gets in their way. What a legacy to leave our grandchildren, & their grandchildren. And where is God on this one? I want to know. It's just too mindboggling, to think of how to stop them. But there are a few people who are gathering information, hopefully with that, & if we protest enough, some changes will come about in the next century. Not in my time. How can these people live with themselves? They are pyschopaths in a group.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

BABY STEPS.......

I got a new sponsor, & she's great. She keeps me busy for sure. She's the most balanced person I know, & that's what I want for myself. It's going to be hard work, I can see. I had no idea how out of balance I am, till I've started working with her. I don't know if I have it in me, to work that hard, or if I even want to. Maybe what I need to do is accept myself for where I am at today. Today, I'm tired, I just want to lay on the couch & watch some tv. I don't do that very often. I could call someone too. Maybe I need to talk to someone. Writing helps, but not like talking to someone. I get tired of 'recovery' sometimes. It's never ending, of course it is, its about my life. I want a good life, & yes, I have to work for it. Baby steps, I need to take baby steps. One step at a time, one day at a time.

Monday, November 06, 2006

LISTEN.......

My aunt died saturday. I had a feeling about it friday, that I should go over & see her, I didn't. I felt it in my heart, & I heard (sort of) a little voice. As it turns out, her only living son was there with her. Maybe that was how it was s'pose to be, you know, just the two of them together. They got along very well, but they had unresolved issues between them. Maybe, I hope that got somewhat worked out,even if nothing was said. They say nothing happens by mistake. I do tend to rescue, & maybe it was the rescuer who was talking to me. I did feel it in my heart tho, that she was going to die. Why didn't I go see her? I could have gone over friday, that still would have given them their time saturday. I made a big mistake. I'm having a hard time with this, ofcourse I'm grieving, but that mistake makes it worse, the guilt. I let her down. We were close, & I wasn't there in her last moments. I certainly have learned from this, & that is, to listen to my heart, & that voice. I hope she forgives me. I'm so sorry Dot. I love you.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

TAKING RISKS......

I haven't blogged for awhile, I couldn't get into my post for some odd reason. I was going thru some stuff, I wanted to blog. I think I want to write about taking risks, the same ones. Risk falling in love, risk letting someone love me. I find myself thinking I don't think I'm able to love again. I was hurt too much, I was badly damaged, on top of already being damaged. It's not only that I don't want to hurt again, I don't want to hurt anyone again. I hurt men. Most of the time it's not intentional, but sometimes it is. Sometimes I strike out at whoever I'm with, & I hurt. I don't want to do that anymore. I used to let myself fall in love. Now, I stop myself when I start having those feelings for a man, romantically, that is. I just won't let myself go there. Oh yes, I've done that before. But more often than not, I was in love before I could stop it. Maybe I need more time to heal from my last one, I still feel sad when I think about it not working out. Oh he broke my heart in a million pieces. And too, I take more time to recover, I'm older, I heal slower. I've been in so many relationships, I think I'm burned out. I know I've started thinking maybe I'm incapable of having a relationship. I know I don't get into one so easilly anymore, I'm THINKING more. You know, do I really want to go to the trouble? Or, where is this one going to take me? And finally, I want to know what's in it for me? I never thot about that before, I just got into them, not thinking. I'm not doing it now, but awhile ago I was overanalyzing the situration, the person, I tend to overanalyze I'm trying to find a balance, & what is going on here, inside of me, inside of you? I'll keep you posted. Have a good one.