SEX INVENTORY......
I think I told you I'm back on my 4th step, cuz I forgot (yea, right) to do my sex & money inventory. I've been going thru my sex history, & I got sick this morning working on it. I am not the person I was. I hardly recognize her. It's sad what I put myself thru. I know that by doing these inventories it cleans that shit up. But it's painful going thru it. I think men were just as much a sickness for me as the alcohol & drugs. The kind of relationships I got myself in, they were all abusive, & it wasn't all them. I carried alot of baggage into them. It always seemed to bring the worst out in me. So, I'm not about to get into a relationship for awhile, I'm still too sick, & I still have baggage, that little by little I'm getting rid of. I used to blame the men, I no longer do, because of seeing my own stuff, & realizing they were sick too, & had their baggage they brought into the relationship. I hope they are in recovery today. I am so grateful for this program! I'm so gratefufl I'm not in & out of sick relationships today. Nomore, they hurt too much! I truly regret the things I said & did. All I can do now is not repeat them. I'm working too, on forgiving them, & myself, but I s'pose that will come with the work I condinue to do. It sure makes a difference when you put that stuff on paper, & can look at it for what it is, but I'll need my sponsor's help with this, she's wise, & can be more objective. I tend to be awfully hard on myself. I still don't think I'm good enough to have a good man in my life. I hate to say it, but it is all about me, & becoming a more healthy, loving woman. Not for a man, but for me, & my family & friends, to start with. This work I'm doing? These feelings I'm having? It's all worth it to get thru to truth, & love.
posted by sharonsjourney @ 9:15 AM
8 Comments:
The Fourth Step sex inventory was hard for me also. I didn't realize how I had used sex to feel better. I hurt people and they hurt me. It's in the past though. All we can do is make amends and move on to be a better person.
whoa, that's a hard one to do. good luck! but by the sounds of it, you know what you are doing and doing it correctly and for the right reasons.
Found you on Shadows blog. Will visit again. Good luck.
Yup, the sex stuff was really, really, REALLY tough on the 4th Step -- and even harder on my 5th. But it was very helpful to take a look and see my patterns and my sickness in all of it.
Peace,
Scout
Sharon...I think we all feel pretty shocked when we see our stuff on paper. For some reason it seems more "real". I lived so many years in guilt and shame. Pre and post sobriety. But the longer I stay sober, the more it seems like it was some other person living in my body back then. She was an addict trying to survive. I am no longer that person, by putting THIS DAY first, the days have just added up. I wrote the 4th step...digested it....spoke to my sponser about...and then made the decision that I did not want to live that way anymore.
Wow I be that was a difficult post. Great, though. It is all worth it. Good for you :)
I did a "man" inventory one time. Wrote out a list of all men I had anything romantic with from crushes to one nighters to serious relationships. Listed them chronologically and did a fourth on them all. Excellent excellent excellent for learning a ton about myself. Your doing the work. It WILL pay off.
Hugs and a happy Thursday!
G~
" It's all worth it to get thru to truth, & love." YES it is! Thanks for stopping by my blog today and YES I was "mickied" so went to moderation!!! I'm going to add ya to my list of blogs I like to read so I can remember to come back and check in with ya! Have a great day :)
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