MISTOOK 9 FOR 0....SORRY.....
I'm afraid I am mistaken, I had 9 comments about my sis,very helpful & supportive ones...thank you all. I misread the 9 for a zero. I thot that was very unusual, not to hear from anyone for so long. Sorry for the mistake. I showed her a title to an article that said junk food uses the same receptors in our brain as opiates. She has gone to my home group meeting with me, when she is visiting, & knows people who are doing very well in AA, & OA. As I said before, worry helps noone. I have to give her to my HP, & leave it at that. I want so much for her to have recovery, but I can't force it on her, I can only do my part, & I ask what that is on a daily basis. You all have a good week. I'll be going home mon. It's cold & snowing where I live, am not looking forward to going back to that! Still, it will be good to be back home. Thank you again for your support.
STILL AT MY SISTER'S.....
I don't know why, but not one person commented on my post about my sister. I'm a little dismayed. Oh well, I just keep on posting. I'm still here at my sister's. I'll be going homw mon. the 3rd. I'll be ready. I miss Riley, my cat, & my friends. I miss being in my own place too. Tho I am enjoying the stay. I've come to realize, worry does noone any good. I try to be a good example, be the best I can be. I have to let my sister live her life. She is doing very well, & as far as I can tell is happy & well adjusted. I'm so thankful I am in her life, & her mine, & we let each other be. What more could I hope for?
MY SISTER.......
First thing in the morning I have my coffee & a cig, then while I'm having my coffee, I check my email, then my blogger friends, it's a morning ritual. I love the mornings! Well it's back to the normal day, excet that I am still at my sister's. Her & I drank & drugged together, a long time ago. She rarely drinks now. She has traded her alcohol & drug addiction for food. Food is her comfort. She has gained over 100 lbs. in the last 10 years. I worry about her, & want so much for her to get into recovery, but I can't force it on her, neither do I say anything about her eating habits, my mom did that alot. I don't know, but I think she suspects what she is doing. It's not like her life is out of control, or she's unhappy. She has a very loving & supportive relationship with her partner. They have a good life, one that I respect & admire. She has handled her issues thru therapy, & has changed & grown into a lovely person. So who am I to worry about her? I worry about her health, but it's not up to me to say anything, or is it? Her partner is always making up or researching new diets for them to go on, so they know it's a problem. What I do, is make the best of our time together, & don't lay any guilt trips on her. She knows about the program, & knows about OA. I love her dearly & want to keep her around for a long time. Maybe I'm not setting a good enough example of what he program can do. I've had a lot of problems, & obstacles in my sobriety, it has not been easy. I have, however overcome a lot of those obstacles, & fears, I have come a long ways, she tells me so. But I think to myself, I could be doing better, I shouldd be further along in my recovery. But there I go with the coulda, shoulda, woulda's. That's my disease talking to me. My life is so much better, but I compare it to hers, & hers is a life you dream of having, that I would like to emmulate, but I'm not her. I feel like I could be a better example. She's much more succesful than I am, & I know that's not what you measure a person by, tho it does enter into it. Well, I'm kind of rambling now. We are very supportive of each other, & she is happy with her life, I guess I will leave it at that. I believe she knows I am here for her, if she ever needs me for anything. I just realized I'm still trying to make up for the harm I've done her, in our drinking & drugging together, I was not a good sister, or example all of the time. I've always felt protective of her...I am the oldest. So I was quite controlling alot of the time, in that I knew what was best for her. We had different ideas about that. That's no longer an issue with us tho. She's doing better than I am, & she now is the more mature one. I'm still working at it. I am alot better about minding my own business, I'm happy that we are a big part of each other's lives. What more could I ask for?
WHAT I'VE LEARNED FROM AA......
I'm at my sister's for a couple of weeks, for Thanksgiving,& to help her with some things, it's a good vacation for me,as well. I will tell you some of the things I've learned from AA. That is, that I have a fatal disease that can be arrested if I follow certain suggestions, & it is a daily reprieve. I have learned from the ones before me it is divinely inspired, starting with one alcoholic helping another alcoholic. I have learned to like myself more, & that has been thru working with others, by that I have learned patience, tolerance, compassion,& the feeling of love for another human being. I look a little deeper now, where is the person coming from, they have been thru hell too. That we all have a common peril, & bond. I've learned their is a power greater than myself. I learned that we are sick, trying to get well, not bad, trying to get good. There is God in all of us. I have learned to look for for solutions, & that my attitude, my perception, can make or break my day. I will continue this later, right now, I'm going to finish making Thanksgiving dinner. This I've learned, I have to apply, some days I do, some I don't. It's a wholle lot better to live, I have choices today. You all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Some of these things I've learned, & am still learning,all I'm learning, & it's progress, not perfection. I am still learning the live & let live, the let go & let God. I have learned we are each other's teachers, & students. I have learned that alcohol/drugs are a symtom, that my thinking is the problem,& thru action I can change my thinking. I'm learning accountability, & responsibility, am still working on that one. I am learning to live one day at a time, I haven't got that down yet, but am getting better at being in the day. I've become more open minded. Mind you, I'm not perfect at all this, but I have, & my friends, & sister have noticed progress. My world has gotten bigger. I too,have learned the hard way people will fall off their pedestals. I don't hate myself on a daily basis anymore, either, nor am I as angry.
I've had my dinner, & am full. It's getting towaard the end of the day, I think my sister, & her paratner in front of the fireplace, what a nice way to end a wonderful day. I truly am grateful for this day, oh yea, that's another thing I learned, is to be grateful, & am learning forgiveness, but not how to forgive myself yet, maybe that will come. Since I can't, I ask God to.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING......
I don't mean to sound harsh, or against the addict, I am not, I am an alcoholic/addict, among other things, I need help with all these, I don't bring them up in an AA meeting, I get help elsewhere for these other problems, it works for me. I have the utmost respect for the alcoholics that put AA together, & know they were willing,& did go to any lengths, or we wouldn't have this.
I am at my sister's now, & having a good time, I'm on her laptop, which I don't like the setup as well, I'm making all kinds of mistakes. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, maybe I will post again while I'm here. I hope I didn't give anyone the wrong idea about where I am coming from, I mean well, & believe in this principle.
DRUGS & ALCOHOL......
I know that there are a lot of dually addicted people, I am one of them. There are, however plenty of pure alcoholics out there, & in AA, that deserve to be able to come to an AA meeting for help with their alcoholism, & not have to hear about people sticking needles in their arms. We are getting a lot of meth addicts, & there are some pure addicts, that claim to be addicts, & not alcoholics, that come into AA to talk about their drugs, & addictions. These people have been talked to, & they continue to do so. I believe they are hiding out, they don't want to face their peers, or addictions. They come into an AA meeting & are still different, this is one of the things we have to get over, is feeling different, or unique. It's disrespecting AA, & the alcoholic. We're getting a blending, & a move away from the singleness of purpose. What about the guy who has 15 or 20 yrs. still needs to go to meetings to hear solutions to his alcoholism, & continually hears about drugs & addictions, & less about alcoholism? Is he going to go back out? Possibly. I learned in early recovery the difference between my drug addiction, & my alcoholism, & where to talk about them. Why aren't these new people? I think for one they're coming out of treatment centers that teach a drug is a drug is a drug. Alcohol may be a drug, but it is not a narcotic, nor is it addictive, for it to be addictive, you have to be an alcoholic. Then you have narcotics. Anybody can get addicted to those. This is my understanding, & how it was explained to me. I feel for the addict, & want them to get the help they need, but it is not at an alcoholics anonymous meeting, if they're looking for a solution to their drug problem. I didn't make this up. AA says so, from experience with the addict, again, & again. Yes, there are a lot of dually addicted people, but there are still just alcoholics, lots of them. I've seen them in meetings, & their look of bewilderment, & pain. I ask you this. Are the addicts, & the dually addicted driving them out of AA? I hope not. This town needs stronger NA, people who will go to any lengths, to get over their addiction (s), who will do what the alcoholics have already done, build a strong foundation in their program. Rather than run & hide in AA. I probably am going to get a lot of slack over this, but how many people are going to die from their drug addiction, & their alcoholism, before this issue is handled? I see alot of enabling of the drug addict, & pushing away of the alcoholic. It hurts to see this going on, & yes, I'm angry about it, but moreso, I am concerned. I don't claim to have the answer, I go by what AA's experience has been, & what they say about this. That it can't help the pure addict, & they can't become a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Maybe after the addict goes to some NA meetings he will realize he is also an alcoholic, but doesn't he have to address his addiction to drugs first, if that's what he's dealing with at the present time?
Enough said. I'm going to be leaving for a couple weeks. I'll not be posting till I get back. Love & respect each other.
WHERE IS THERE HELP FOR THE ALCOHOLIC?
My theory is an addict going to an AA meeting is hiding out, & still playing the game. It's one thing to be hurting himself, but another to hurt someone else, & that someone else is the alcoholic who goes into an AA meeting for his alcoholism & has to listen to some addict talking about sticking needles in his arm. Can he relate? Does he find a place where he fits in? Does he belong? Does he feel the connection? Is there a sense of unity? Has he come to the wrong place? No! The addict is in the wrong place. But if this is a newcomer, he doesn't know this. Does he leave there to get drunk.... possibly. So please, when you hear an addict talk about his drug, or addictions in an AA meeting, let him know he is in the wrong place. We must preserve the singleness of purpose, which is the unity of the program.
WEBSITE FOR AA'S SINGLENESS OF PURPOSE.......
And here it is:
http://www.aaprimarypurpose.org/SinglePurpose.htm
WE NEED TO EDUCATE.......
Well, I got thru my 5th step on the sex part of my 4th step, it was not so bad, & I found out a few things about myself. It is a relief to get it done. I have a couple more assignments concerning my sexuality, then I will go on to the money inventory. I feel a sense of accomplishment.
The topic at today's meeting was 'arrogant self criticism, self appraisal, self love, & love for God.' I heard some really awesome things. Like, we learn to love ourselves thru service to others. We learn to love ourself thru seeking & finding our HP. We learn to love ourselves in the program thru action, & working with others, then our attitude changes. I agree with them all.
The meeting last nite was about 'singleness of purpose'. Boy, what a meeting that was. Of course the addicts didn't agree with it, but some of the alcoholic/addicts didn't either. Most of them didn't know what they were talking about, didn't know anything about AA, other than going to meetings, so they think AA is for everyone. I'm afraid I kind of lost it, I might have to make some amends, I'll think about it. I'm very passionate about AA, & it's singleness of purpose. So a friend & I found a cool website on AA & singleness of purpose, it had everything we wanted to know about it, & then some. Now, we can back it up in print. I learned something from this, & that is to come from love & tolerance, & wanting to help, when I talk about this. I can't go around kicking people out of AA meetings. And if I make them mad, they're not going to listen, so then I'm not accomplishing anything. It is my job to educate thru love & tolerance, & helpfulness. That's the only way to go. Oh yea, patience too. I lost my pateince with a few people last nite. It said on that website, this is a principle that is difficult to stand by, & it is, people just don't get it, why it is so important.
IN THE DAY......
The sun is out, & it's a better day. I did my prayer & reading this morning...it's a daily reprieve. Yes it is! I don't have the meditation down yet. Someone said it's a form of meditation for them when they're at a meeting listening to others share. I like that. So I'll go with that for now. Am off to a meeting in a little bit, I wanted to write something positive for today, since I did vent yesterday. One of the things I read was pg. 86 & 87, it helps me to plan out the day, & not get overloaded. It reminds me to say 'Thy will be done', the serenity prayer helps too. What has happened is I procrastinated on my 4th step, the sex inventory. Well, I got that done, & am doing my 5th with my sponsor tomorrow. It's a burden lifted to finish that part. After that, I have to do the money part, & that's going to be tough too, because I also have issues with money. I say this now, & I mean it. I'm not going to procrastinate. I know better, because then I get off track, & before long, I'm in the negative, & that doesn't feel good, so why do I do it? I'll get better at this, progress, not perfection. I'm going to a friend's house & we're going to study the BB. We used to do that, then we let other things take priority, which, some of it couldn't be helped, life happens. So I'm glad we're doing this again. I love doing recovery! Thank you all for your patience, & thank you for your suggestions, & support. I appreciate your kindness, every bit of what you do means something to me, & it helps me in my recovery. Hope you all have a great tuesday.
TODAY......
God wants us to be happy & productive. Well, today I'm not productive. The hardest thing in the world for me is to nurture myself, love myself. It said in the Daily, that's what God wants for us. Why is it so hard for me? Why is it so hard for me to get God? Am I fighting Him? Am I being rebellous? What? What am I doing wrong? I can't seem to get motivated. I go to meetings, I read the BB. I'm working on my 4th step. I hang with the women in the program. I'm doing what is suggested. I so wish I had the belief that some people have, christains, & not, they have their belief. Maybe if I start over again with a Power Greater than myself, period. Anything outside of myself. I don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm just..I don't know. Yet I know the 12 steps work, I've seen it in others, & in myself. Today, well, the last few days have been not ok, non productive. I want to blame my sponsor, but it's not her, she can't make me do this thing. I'll probably wind up deleting this post, as I have many others, this is not carrying the message. Most of the time things are ok, I just feel dissatisfied for some reason, guess I need to find that reason..it is in me, I know that. So here I sit at home alone. I can't always run, to people, shopping, etc. Maybe a good novel would help, a little escapism, that wouldn't hurt, or be wrong. It would get my mind off myself, & maybe a gratitude list, that would take my mind off what I don't have. I have alot to be grateful for, & I am, for so much. I watched Looking for Private Ryan last nite. Those poor men in war, I feel for them. I want to bring the troops home, I don't want there to be war. I guess that movie was a reminder of some of the things that are going on in the world, & maybe I feel guilty for the good life that I do have, & feeling the way I do, & not being more productive. This is a temporary thing, this too shall pass. Maybe I need to work on enjoying my own company. Here I go again, analyzing. Well, there's some things I can do around here, so I'll either do them, or I'll get out a good novel. Today is a good day for reading, it's raining, & kinda cold out. Wish I had a fireplace, that would be perfect. There I go again, wishing for things I don't have. I have a very comfortable, & cozy apt. I am thankful for that. I haven't heard from my blogger friends for awhile, I miss you dropping by. Thanks Lush for stopping by, I've missed you, alot. Hope things are going well for you.
MY MOM.......
I miss my mom so much! I was thinking about her, & how many times she helped me, & in so many ways. I never thot about those times till I got sober. The good times. The little ways she'd show her love, & support. No matter what endeavor I took on, she was there supporting me. It's the little special things she did. Later in life she tried to make up for the mistakes she made in raising me. Then too, when she tried to get her own life together, & find out who she was, besides a mother. My dad had been dead for years, & me & my sister & brother were adults. She was so courageous, she moved, & started all over. I think she was in her 60's when she did this. She worked three jobs for awhile, cause she couldn't find full time employment. She was always adventerous, wanted to try new things. She hated being tied down, it was hard for her having kids. She was very intelligent, & witty, & alot of fun. She was a kid at heart. I know now that she was an alcoholic, she never felt like she fit in, but wanted to. Isn't that something we all have in common? We felt like misfits. I miss when she lived here, & we'd visit all the time, or we'd go shopping together. She even went to a few of my AA meetings with me, in support of me. That was hard for her to do. She was a tall very attractive woman, funny, she never remarried, I'm not sure why, because I know she had offers. Men were crazy about her. She was a very private person, she didn't share her feelings easily, if at all, & not until later in life did she hug us, or tell us (kids) she loved us. She never got it growing up, but she did express her love later. She showed us in other ways, like in her support, & getting involved in our endeavors. After she moved, we called each other several times a week, & visit a couple times a year. I sure miss her! I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for the pain & anguish I put her thru, for so long. I am glad she got to see me sober before she died, I got to make my amends, & repair our relationship, we became very close. We discovered we're alot alike, & maybe that's why we struggled so, with our relationship. My sister & I had Hospice come in, we wanted her at home, well, she was at my sister's, but she was home. We were holding her when she died, I think that meant alot to her, that she wasn't alone, knowing that we loved her, & was there with her in her last days. It helped me too, but in some ways, it haunts me. I remember her last breath. I went into shock for awhile, it's been hard. It's been three years, & I've gone thru the 'grieving process', but I still grieve, I still miss her, the difference is, I am able to function now. Her birthday is coming up, nov. 18th, she would be 82. I looked forward to caring for her. She was not your typical 'old lady'. She was spunky, up until the last couple years, when she got sick, she had cancer, they didn't catch it till it was too late, it had already spread. She didn't suffer a long time tho, I'm so thankful for that. I know she's in a better place, but I'm selfish, I want her here with me. She is in spirit tho, that's another thing. She had a wonderful childlike, & comforting spirit. I know that I am letting my guilt block her spirit from visiting me, I have to let go. She told me so many times, all she wanted for me was to be able to take care of myself, have a good life, & be happy. So I need to make that a gift to her. I know she wouldn't want me crying, or to be unhappy, so I will work on this. I love you mom, so very much.
AA.......
Tonite's meeting was on humility. I heard three different explanations of humilty. One was being able to ask for help, & then recieve it. Two, was being right with the world. Three was getting right sized. The third is my favorite one, it pretty much says it all, since we are dealing with our egos. I used to think that was for people who thot they were better than others. I found out for myself it is also for those who feel they don't measure up, feel less than. That is a form of ego, as well, & it still is judging, those who feel better than. I was always under the heap, but I did judge. It took alot of work to get humility...right sized.
There were four women there with over 20 yrs. sobriety. It's good to see they still go to meetings. We talked about that too, why they still come. They come because they still need to, but also because they still want to, & are still learning from everyone. We shared about how we all need each other, that we learn from each other, including the newcomer. Isn't it wonderful we don't ever graduate? We just keep learning, & changing, & growing. I love that. There was also a newcomer there, she heard good stuff. I was glad about that. I love it too, that we are all ages, from all walks of life, as it says in the BB, we are people who normally don't mix. We do in AA.
Well, the week end is coming up, hope you all have a great one.
GRATITUDE...........
This is gratitude month so here is my gratitude list, which I have every day of every month.
I am grateful for:
God in my life
AA
My friends both in recovery, & blogworld
My sister
Riley (my cat)
That I have a home
My neat car
That I 'get to'
That I can feel things today
My recovery journey
That I have things to be grateful for, & that I am grateful
My health
We've had beautiful weather
That I woke up this morning
That I keep seeking God
That I can learn from my mistakes
IDEA OF GOD......
To Thine Own Self Be True....man that's hard to do! I get caught up in other people's bullshit, well, mine too. To be true to my relationship with my HP....man that's hard to do! I didn't have an understanding of my HP, not even a little bit, how could I be true to it? So, I've tried, & am still trying to be true to the steps, they will lead me to a better understanding. What my idea of what God is, & is not. I've been reading a book on love, the many different kinds of love there is, & one is love of God. That gave me a better understanding. God is love, truth, & justice, period. God isn't a father, a mother, or any such thing, according to this book. It sure makes sense to me, moreso than any explanation I've heard. Love, truth, justice. That we can strive for, to put into action, & live it. The fact that I'm human means I'm going to fail at times, I'm not going to be perfect at it, but hopefully I will learn from my mistakes, & I keep that ideal foremost in my mind & heart. How simple is that? Hard to do, tho. The steps teach me honesty, responsibility, integrety, tolerance, respect, & so on, & the courage to do this thing one day at a time. I'm not trying to push this on you, or any particular belief, I just wanted to share. What do you think? You know, I realize now that my parents, in their own way tried to teach me this, they didn't know quite how either, but they had the idea. I believe we all do. I think that is what the BB is talking about when is says we have the fundemental idea of a God inside us all, we just need to seek it, & be true to it.
NEW HOPE......
I went to see the psychiatrist this morning & it went well. She's going to take me off one, maybe two of my meds, & that is good news. The less meds, the better. Come to find out, these two I've been on cause confusion, & memory loss (as if I need more of that!) & they dull the emotions. That explains alot! It answers alot of my questions, of why I'm not able to get in touch with my feelings, no matter how much step work I do. Of course she's going to do this slowly, & of course I want it overnite. I have also been in the grieving process over my mom dying, my aunt dying, & a failed abusive relationship. She said it takes about two years. It's been two years since all this started happening. She said things will start getting better now, & I'll be able to cope better. That gives me new hope, I'm really feeling good about this. I'll be back with the living! I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, my HP takes care of the rest. Today's Daily Reflections is on Faith, & I have renewed faith today. I will get back to my 4th step when I get off this medication. You all have a good one.
p.s. All this time I have needed meds, because I went thru some really tough times, I had alot of losses, & needed to grieve, but I kept relapsing & didn't give myself a chance, or the time to. The psychiatrist says it takes right around 2 years. I just now have 2 1/2 years sober, & am thru the rough part, I don't think I need to be on all of them anymore, but I have to do this gradually, & with a dr's. help. There was a time I was so depressed from grief, I really should have been hospitalized, & I don't say that lightly. I could not function. My life is good today, there is no chaos, nobody is dying, things are good. Not to say I don't still grieve, but it's not constant. I want to be in touch with my feelings, I want to think clearly. If I can't feel the bad, I can't feel the good either.
I REACHED OUT.....
I did it! I reached out for help! I called another woman in the program! That's huge! I didn't sit in my shit! She helped me. I trusted another woman. Enough to call her, when I was not doing so good. I don't like for people to know when I'm not doing good. I like to be the helper. Hmmm, is that codependency? I believe so. I've been feeling disconnected, more & more, since I've been off my meds, & was trying to handle it myself, & acting 'as if' everything is just fine. Well, it hasn't been. You know what my friend said? She gave me her theory on mental illness. It's the only other disease (like alcoholism) that tells us we don't have a mental illness. If we take our meds the illness has to die, if we don't it lives. I have accepted my alcoholism, but have been struggling with my mental illness. I keep wanting to go off my meds. My illness keeps telling me I don't need them. So every so often I get rebellious & go off of them, then I pay dearly, which is what I'm doing now. I'm back on them, so I'll be ok. But why do I keep putting myself thru this? My mental illness is doing push ups, just as is my alcoholism. I was starting to think I'll never be ok, I have too many problems to overcome, too many obstacles. Well, that's where, along with the meds, the steps come in. I'm on my 4th right now, but I need to back off, cause I'm in survival mode with my mental illness. When I get that straightened out I can go back to work on my 4th step. I've been beating myself up, cause I've been avoiding my 4th. I'll do it when I'm ready. What I need to remember is, this too shall pass. I did ok for maybe 3 weeks, then I started spiraling down, & then down I went! I am grateful for my friends, I am grateful for the program, I am grateful for God, I am grateful for my sister. Those are my mainstays, to be sure. Hope you all had a good week end. Love & respect each other.
ONE OF OUR OWN.......
One of our own died last week. Complications from his hep C. There have been quite a few of ours die lately, either by their disease, or in accidents. Some have went back out & died, some have almost died. We need to keep carrying the message of hope. Nobody has to live under the influence. We have barely scratched the surface. I sometimes feel overwhelmed, I want to help so many suffering alcoholics/addicts! We're getting new ones in all the time tho, & if we can reach them, that's a beautiful thing. You never know how many other people, thru them we help. Tim's memorial is today. I told my sister, who will be doing my memorial, I want it to be a fun one. I want it to be full of good memories, good friends, & knowing I'm going to a good place. Nothing to be sad about there. While I'm alive, I hope to make good memories. There was a time I didn't. But that is done & over with, to go back on, & use only to help another. I forgot to mention the guy who just died was sober, & had been for some time. I know of at least two others who died sober, due to the ravage on their bodies from their alcoholism. This has made me painfully aware of my own mortlity. Just because we get sober doesn't mean we escape the ravage our alcoholism has done. He was only 52! My brother died of active alcoholism at 43. I have a nurse friend who tells us what miracles we are, those of us that are in the program, & doing well. She sees young people all the time come close to death, & dying from their disease. I am so grateful I am sober & healthy today. Well, I'm not the healthiest, I have illnesses caused from my disease, that I have to deal with, & keep a close eye on, so far, so good. I am a miracle, & I know that. I thank God every day for my sobriety.
I go see the psychiatrist mon. morning, & will hopefully get my meds straightened out. I am doing better. My good friend Michael spent quite a bit of time with me, & got me thru my anxiety. Just knowing it wasn't real, & that it would pass, helped.Then too, a friend stay with me. The meds help with my anxiety, ptsd, & phobias, but not my depression, that's what I need to address. I'm thinking as I get thru the steps, that will help a great deal. I'm on step 4 right now, & each time I finish a step, I feel that spiritual high. I just have to keep at it, it's a daily reprieve. I love those natural highs, they're so much better than any drug high I've ever been on. As long as I keep working the steps, & doing the do, I get these. That's been part of my problem, I've been resting on my laurels, I do believe that has something to do with my depression, maybe all of it, maybe part of it. More will be revealed. I'm doing good today. You all have a great week end.
STAYING ON MY MEDS.......
I'm here to tell you, if you are on meds, don't all of a sudden go off them. It's catching up with me, not being on my meds. I just started taking them again a couple of days ago. I'm a mess. I did ok at first, but I'm not now. I will be ok when I get stabalized back on them. I'm in a constant state of anxiety, there's no in between in my moods. I'm either feeling 'high', or am depressed. I didn't sleep for twe nites in a row, then slept for 21/2 days to catch up. My house is a mess, my head is a mess. I just have to ride this out. I have an appt. with the psychiatrist mon. morning. I can hardly type, cause I'm so shaky. I know better than to do this, I've done it before, & went thru the same thing. I get scared when I'm like this. I can't concentrate. I will be ok tho, that I know, & knowing that helps me get thru this. My friends are helping me too. The other day, one helped talk me down, & let me know, he was there for me whenever I needed help. He stopped by my place yesterday, cause I isolate when I'm like this, but I was sleeping then. I'm not able to write much for a time. Except this, & that is to let anyone know, who is thinking about doing this, not to. If you want to go off your meds, do it gradually with a drs. help. I know better. I think I'm just going to stay on mine, I found out I need them, tho sometimes, I think I don't. You all have a good week end. My days will be getting better as I stay on my meds.
