FELLOW TRAVELER

TODAY......

God wants us to be happy & productive. Well, today I'm not productive. The hardest thing in the world for me is to nurture myself, love myself. It said in the Daily, that's what God wants for us. Why is it so hard for me? Why is it so hard for me to get God? Am I fighting Him? Am I being rebellous? What? What am I doing wrong? I can't seem to get motivated. I go to meetings, I read the BB. I'm working on my 4th step. I hang with the women in the program. I'm doing what is suggested. I so wish I had the belief that some people have, christains, & not, they have their belief. Maybe if I start over again with a Power Greater than myself, period. Anything outside of myself. I don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm just..I don't know. Yet I know the 12 steps work, I've seen it in others, & in myself. Today, well, the last few days have been not ok, non productive. I want to blame my sponsor, but it's not her, she can't make me do this thing. I'll probably wind up deleting this post, as I have many others, this is not carrying the message. Most of the time things are ok, I just feel dissatisfied for some reason, guess I need to find that reason..it is in me, I know that. So here I sit at home alone. I can't always run, to people, shopping, etc. Maybe a good novel would help, a little escapism, that wouldn't hurt, or be wrong. It would get my mind off myself, & maybe a gratitude list, that would take my mind off what I don't have. I have alot to be grateful for, & I am, for so much. I watched Looking for Private Ryan last nite. Those poor men in war, I feel for them. I want to bring the troops home, I don't want there to be war. I guess that movie was a reminder of some of the things that are going on in the world, & maybe I feel guilty for the good life that I do have, & feeling the way I do, & not being more productive. This is a temporary thing, this too shall pass. Maybe I need to work on enjoying my own company. Here I go again, analyzing. Well, there's some things I can do around here, so I'll either do them, or I'll get out a good novel. Today is a good day for reading, it's raining, & kinda cold out. Wish I had a fireplace, that would be perfect. There I go again, wishing for things I don't have. I have a very comfortable, & cozy apt. I am thankful for that. I haven't heard from my blogger friends for awhile, I miss you dropping by. Thanks Lush for stopping by, I've missed you, alot. Hope things are going well for you.

posted by sharonsjourney @ 4:03 PM