I am working on my 4th step, I'm on the fears part, & I find I have alot of fears. Fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of being humiliated, fear of not being lovable, used to be fear of losing my boyfriend, but he left me, so that was taken care of, he abandoned me many times, by cheating on me. Boy, I went thru hell on that one. My fear of abandonment was unbelievably intense! I guess what it all boils down to, is not getting our needs met, not getting our ego met, is how someone put it to me. Which I didn't appreciate one bit.. I've had a chance to let that sink in a bit, & I think they're right. Fear of losing something we want, or not getting what we want, or not being self reliant. That was a hard one to swallow. Fear comes in many forms, & I have all kinds of them, they come in the way of insecurities too. Fear of not measuring up, the lovable thing, or what if I'm not capable of loving? I now know I am tho, so I got past that one, too. My progress has been a very painful one. I've had to deal with alot of the 'wreckage of my past', it came back to haunt me, in some big ways! I almost didn't get thru it. I will write about that later on. It's still too painful to write about, tho I know it would help me.
I am doing good tho, I work on that a little at a time. I've worked 4th steps before, & know I will come out on the other side, so, in knowing that, it keeps me going, & I actually like the 4th step, I like the understanding of it, the understanding of me in it, & I get a different perception the people of my 'resentments'. I have different fears today. I want to be a better person, I want to understand myself, & you, I want to be gentler, kinder, more loving, & patient. I have people I want to be like. The last few weeks I've forgotten this, I had a resentment, & it was consuming me, I have to let it go, I don't like the person I've been the last few weeks. Well, I'm glad I recognized it. Now, I can change it, with the help of my HP, & you people, & the steps. Thanks
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I got this from Mark;
“But I think faith can be acquired; it can be acquired slowly; it has to be cultivated. That was not easy for me, and I assume that it is difficult for everyone else…”
I learned a lot from him. Tell him I sent you. He will be very happy to know that.
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