LIGHT BULB MOMENT......
At the meeting tonite we discussed rage, & anger. I had a lightbulb moment. I realized that for me, there is a difference. When I'm angry, it's because I didn't get my way, or you're not doing it right, or somebody keyed my car (that really happened, I was pissed!) Rage is a whole other arena. When I have been in a rage in the past, it has always been out of deep, deep, hurt to the bone. I've been in a rage a number of times, & I was hurting to the bone! Sometimes it was what was being done to me, sometimes something triggered something in my past. I think I pretty much have a handle on my rage, not so much my anger. I can get angry quickly, but it usually doesn't last. If it does, I'm usually angry at myself over the situation. I didn't handle something right, or I allowed something unpleasant to happen. I love it when I get clarity. That's my story, & I'm sticking to it.
The sponsor I had who went back out never left meetings, she is still going, & is back on track. I'm so glad. I'm going to continue to meet with her one day a week, & we'll study, & discuss the BB, not as sponsor, sponsee, but as friends, sisters, in the program. It would help us both. There's no reason to quit meeting with her. In fact, we may get a little group going, I don't know. We'll see. I am worried about her, so I'm trying to help fill up her idle time. Oh, I know, but for the grace of God, there go I. She had about 6 mos. more time than me, & it scared me, I mean, I've relapsed before, I don't trust myself. I trust God tho. That's a beautiful thing. You all have a good one, & love each other.
Labels: angerm rage trusting God, BB study, relapse, sponsor
SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS...........
When I first got sober, I was a week from my first yr. & I went back out. I was in & out for the next couple of yrs. Finally I was able to get 8 yrs. The first 5 of that, I had to deal with the wreckage of my past. I had medical problems, for one, I have advanced osteoporosis, & kept breaking my bones, & having to have surgeries. I got staff infection from one of them, & almost died. Later I found out I had hep c from my needle use yrs. ago. It was dormant all those yrs. & now had flared up. I had to go on interferon, & it messed with my immune system, I almost died from that too. After that my younger, & only brother died from alcoholism, he was 43. I was not ready for that at all. I went into a deep depression from the grief, my friends had to come over & get me out of my apt. to go to meetings, they cleaned my apt. for me, plus my mom was in such grief, it was just too much for me, both of us grieving so much, I regret today, not being able to take better care of her. That bothers me. Shortly after my brother died, I got into a relationship from hell. I was still grieving over my brother, & this guy wanted to take care of me, you know, be the knight in shining armour. He was just the opposite! He kept leaving me for other women, then would come back, & yes, I took him back. He treated me like shit when people were around, & was very loving, & attentive when we were alone. Never have figured that out. I think the relationship triggered alot of abandonement, & codependent issues. The death of my brother, & the relationship triggered alot of past losses I hadn't grieved over. The loss of both my grandparents, my dad, lost loves. I really thot I would die from a broken heart, I was in such pain. I like how one woman puts it. He broke my heart open. From there I was able to recieve Gods love. I had nowhere else to go, & lord knows, I needed it. I believe his love saved my life, thru the medical stuff, my brothers death, & that relationship. I got stronger, he knew I had to be, because 2 yrs. ago my mom died in mine & my sisters arms. We had hospice, so she was able to stay home, & we were with her. I am still grieving over her death. Then 6 mos. ago an aunt I was close to died. I trully believe God prepared me. I went back out, on pills next time, during the relationship. Got some sobriety time, I think 2 yrs. & went back out on pills again after my mom died.
I have 21/2 yrs. now, & am here for keeps this time, one day at a time. God hasn't brought me this far to drop me now. If you're new in sobriety, hang in there, even if your ass falls off. Go to meetings & don't drink in between. It really does get worse, my sobriety has been a hard road. Maybe it doesn't have to be for you. Just don't take that first drink, & have to start over.
I've learned some things, & one important one is to be grateful for what I have today. My heart was broken open to God's love. I always had compassion for others, but not for myself. Today I have compassion for myself, & others. I try not to take things for granted, esp. my family, & friends. And I have learned to live life on life's terms. They say that alcoholics graduated from the school of hardknocks, how true that is!
Labels: God's love, grief, Hard sobriety, losses, relapse, wreckage of past
