Monday, April 02, 2007

I think I'm going to have to look for another sponsor. Mine has cancelled on me so much, it's not always legitimate either. Most of the time it is, but even at that, why is it always on my days to meet with her? I need consistency, I never had that growing up, & I need it now especially from a sponsor. Don't get me wrong, I love my sponsor, & I know she loves me, but I just am not getting what I need from her. When she cancels, esp. so many times in a row, it reinforces the feeling of less than, not good enough, I must not be that important. I need to be pushed in my step work, I'm on step four, & finding that I'm putting it off, & numbing my feelings. I need someone who is not going to let me get away with anything. I have cancelled a couple of times too. I need to dive in & do this. I don't know what to do. When we do get together, she's enthusiastic, she's taking me thru the BB, which is what I wanted, was to go thru the BB. She's so great in other ways, she's very loving, & supportive, but she's just not available a good part of the time.
I think there are some things I'm not dealing with. I take naps, I am putting off working on my fourth step, I've done quite a bit of it, but I need to follow thru. I'm numbing out. My creativity has all but left me. I want to enjoy my sobriety, I want to participate in my life, I'm not doing that. It feels like I'm working real hard at keeping the dam up, if I start really dealing with things, & really feeling, I'll completely lose it. I did that once before when I was in a relationship, that was very abusive, & it triggered alot of stuff. Well, I did lose it! I wound up going to jail for harming the guy I was going with. I had so much hurt. Not just from what he was doing, but it broke the dam. I don't ever want to do anything like that again. I still feel horrible for what I did, & I certainly do regret it. I know it says we do not regret the past, but I do regret hurting people. I hurt my family, I hurt all of my relationships. I have learned from it tho, & hope to never do those things again. I was crazy back then, & reactive. I have learned tools thru this program, to better cope with 'stuff'. I have a good support system, & loving friends who help me. I reach out, not as much as I should. I still keep things to myself alot. I have found another tool to help me reach out & that is blogging, I write about things, & I get support there from you guys. Thank you for that.

Love, Sharon

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posted by sharonsjourney @ 12:49 PM 5 Comments