I'M A PROTESTOR......
I've been having a difficult time posting lately, Do you know how many I've published to be on my blog, then turn around & delete it?! Alot. For one, I'm my own worst critic when it comes to writing, well, alot of things I do. I guess I want to get it perfect. It's my ego, telling me it isn't good enough, not profound enough. Then too, quite a no. of people who used to come by & leave comments, haven't been lately. I wonder why? It must be my post. Oh, it's all about me! I have been feeling a little 'off' lately. I don't know what to write about. You guys don't seem to have any problem at all, I love reading your posts. They are very interesting.
So, I'll keep writing anyway, I maybe forgot, I do it for myself.
I joined a protestor of the war group. We protest every Wed. at a place where there's heavy traffic after work. They said there has been more & more favorable, responses the last few months. Didn't used to be that way. But the word is getting out. We're in trouble with the Bush, & Cheney Admin. in power. That's what it's about too, they want more power. Hope you all have keeeping informed. It's getting scary. Cheney is going to try & pull off another 'terrorist attack'' on this country. So then they can get martial law here, for the sake of 'terrorists watch', which is bullshit. It's all bullshit. We had better wake up to the fact, of what is really going on. We are all losing our freedoms gradually. That's how the Nazi's got the Jews, & others in the concentration camps. You think it's far fetched, but it isn't. These people (Skulls & Bones) have had this plan for 60 yrs. We've been playing right into their hands, like a moth to a light. We do it willingly, cuz we believed them. Too much has come out, but there are still plenty of people who are in denial, & they will be the cost of our freedom. By the way, it is not a protestor of the troops, we support the troops, we want to bring them home! And the poor Iraqi people. What have we put them thru. We don't just protest the war, there are other things too, like try & get our Constitution back in place. Bush is thrashing it, & that is putting it mildly! The corruption, is appalling! I coulod go on, but you get the idea. We need to make a stand! We need to draw a line, & NOT let them cross over it, like they have so many others.
I THINK I'D BETTER EDIT....
I think I better edit my last 8 Random Things about myself, cuz I incriminated myself. If you don't hear from me in awhile, you can assume I'm in jail!
8 RANDOM THINGS....sicker stuff
Krista wants some really sick 8 random things about myself so here goes with the 8 randome things once again.
l. I've been in jail several times.
2. I have a food phobia
3. My toes are crooked
4. Sometimes when I get real depressed, I don't get out of bed, or take a shower for a few days.
5. I have picked my nose
6. In my last relationship, I tried to kill the guy. I wrapped his chain around his neck, & tried to choke him with it.
7. In my last relaationship, he kept cheating on me, & I kept taking him back, cuz I still loved him (how sick is that?)I
8. I'm a pack rat
8 RANDOM THINGS....
Ok, here goes, 8 random things about myself.
I do sevice work in AA, it helps keep me get out of myself.
Went to a Jimi Hendrix concert so loaded on pot & acid, I didn't remember the concert...bummer.
I have a ton of books, can't seem to find the time to read them all, glad they're there tho
I have a younger sister whom I adore, & love dearly
I have a cat named Riley that I cherish
I like 'collecting' things
I used to have a bumper sticker that said 'I'D RATHER EAT BARBED WIRE THAN LISTEN TO DISCO' back in the 80's. Is that right 80's?
I have a ton of shoes, purses, & luggage
ALTERNATIVE LEARNING....
ALTERNATIVE LEARNING
Just the day before I had become discouraged, I felt like such a failure, & was so frustraated. When I start feeling this way, I start thinking, 'once a failure, always a failure' My mind can be my worst enemy, when it starts going that direction. On & on & on it goesl. Then I start giving up, & before you know it, I've talked myself into quitting. Which is where I was at when I learned about Paradigm Thinking/Shift in Thinking. An alternative solution is offered. Paradigm/Shift in Thinking using faiure as a tool. What?! Embrace failure & frustration becomes your friend. Well, I'm glad to hear I have a really good friend. Being comfortable with failure is good. What??? What??? After asking questions, & getting more input from the speaker, to us an 'alternative route' sheds a whole new light on failure & frustration. Maybe I won't quit, I could shift my thinking instead. Use failure & frustration as a tool to learn by. That's a good start. To me, that kind of goes along with AA. Use our failed past as a tool to learn by, & help others. Since I've been in AA, I've found all kinds of tools inside, & outside of AA that coinsides with our belief, & principles. Guess I'm more open to them. It's where my HP leads me...in learning about myself, & how to live on life's terms. This is very exciting! I want to learn more! I'm a sponge.
HAD A BEAUTIFUL DAY.....
I have such good friends in the program! One noticed I've been isolating quite a bit, so invited me out to his kid's place. They live out of town, in a valley by the river, the hills are nearby. It's beautiful. They run a nursery. It was so peaceful out there. We got a you bake pizza from Pappa Murphy's, they are so good! Went to 2 meetings, one at 7, the other at 10. What a lovely day it was. What I mean by being in isolation, is, I haven't been getting out to visit friends, or hang out with them. I go to lots of meetings, but that's about it. I need to hang out more, & have more fun. We are not a glum lot. I forgot thata. For some reason, my mind kept telling me I didn't have enough time to 'have fun' or hang out with friends, & I had too much to do. Well, I have time, if I manage my time. I did that yesterday, & had a full day, & I got my errands done too. I'm going to have a full day today too. When I sit home by myself too much, I start getting anxiety attacks over mostly the state of the nation. There's so much crap going on, & it's in our faces constantly. I don't like what is going on, & I feel helpless sometimes, as to what to do about it, besides voting. So I joined a war protestor group, who carries signs & protests the war. They do this every Wed. evening. That's something. I also go to a Democratic discussion forum once a month. Maybe I can make a difference, I certainly hope so. I consider myself an independent, because I really don't trust either party, or agree with everthing, the Democratic Party does, but I do moreso than the Republicans! So once in awhile you will get ranting from me on political stuff. It helps too, to get your take on what I write about. It gives me a different perspective. I want to give everything the benefit of the doubt, look at it from every angle, otherwise, I might be missing something. But therein is part of my problem, I do that & I get in my head, & start analyzing, I go overboard. I think we alcoholics/addicts tend to do that quite alot.
So I plan to have another beautiful day. I started out by having my coffe, & watering my precious flowers. They are really blooming. They're starting to grow right out of the pots, they're getting so big. I have others in the ground too, they are also doing well. I guess that covers everything for this morning, I'm going to go blog stalking now. I love it! Have a beautiful week end, you all.
FORGOT TO MENTION....
I forgot to mention it costs $38.3 billion to support the illegal immigrants. I can think of better ways to spend this money, like our citizens, our troops! I know it's not a loving attitude, & I'm not against anyone wanting & working toward a better life, but these people are not really doing anything to become citizens, most of them won't learn English, they get other people's soc. sec. cards, a lot of them being children, they get false ID's, they use illegal means, & the taxpayers are paying for them to be here. That's all I'm going to say about this matter.
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.....RANTING....
I let myself get angry this morning, over something I read about the cost to the tax paying citizens of having illegal immigrants here. I got very angry, & anxious about it. I don't understand why people are allowing this. It goes for their education, & teaching of Spanish to other races. It goes for health care, & subsidies, it goes for 30% of illegals that are in the prison system. The crime rate has more than doubled. It goes for them having no driver's license & car ins. (ours goes up). Just them being here, is costing money that could be going to the citizens of this country. It could go for buying better equip. for our troops in other countries, it could go for the military getting better benifits, salaries, & retiriements. I'm talking about your average soldier that goes over & fights for our freedom. I don't think they're fighting for illegal alliens to have the same rights as the citizens. Are the illegals fighting next to our troops, NO. Then what gives them the right to be fighting for the same rights? What? It really is bazarre. What gives them the right to be pushing their culture, & language on us? What are our troops dying for? Seems to me, we have less & less rights! I can't make sense of it. We are not being treaed with respect by most of these people, they put down our country, they start fights with the white kids at school. They take our flag down, & fly theirs above ours. Is our government in on a conspiracy with Mexico? They send $30 billion to Mexico every year, & is encouraged by their government to do so. They come over here as illegals, have kids here, & lots of them, & their kids are citizens just because they are born here. Something bigger is going on. Can you help me out here? I'm not against them for their color, or any of the like. I just don't like being pushed around & disrespected. But seems like our government is doing that to us as well. I've talked to some of the Mexicans, & let them know how I feel about them being here, & what they're doing. Some of them didn't blame me at all. They said themselves our government isn't taking care of us. I don't like feeling I'm having over this. I don't like it at all. I don't know if it does any good to get angry & anxious, unless it makes me take proper action.
THANK YOU.....
In changing my blogsite looks, & title, I have lost some of my blogger friends. I'm trying to let them know sharonjourney is still here, & has gone thru some changes (good ones) : ) Some of you have been commenting all along, & some have come back. Thank you! I will keep leaving messages for awhile till hopefully I get you all backe...I miss you. For those who are commenting, I love hearing from you!
I'm just drinking my morning coffee, yea, I slept in cuz the nite before, I slept only an hr. & I didn't get a nap. So I made up for it this morning. I just got an official letter by several sergeants in Iraq (it's out in cyber world) I hope billions get it. Anyway they said, not surprisingly we are NOT winning over there, or making any progress, as Bush, & the New Media would have us believe. It's a mess over there & the people over there hate the U.S. & don't want us there. Their allegience is not to the U.S. it's to their own tribe. How can we get our troops home? This whole thing just sickens me, every time I hear of another soldier being blown up, or shot. It's a crime that we are there, but what can the soldiers do, but follow orders? Bush's generals need to be hung along with him, for war crimes! This war is sickening to those of us who do support our troops, & want them out of harms way! There is a protest march going on this week, & I'm going to join. I will do anything else that is helpful to thiis cause, & to push it along. Please get involved in anyway you can.
Thanks again for commenting on my posts, I love getting them.
I'D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU ALL....
DRUNK POEMS....
Here are a couple of poems I wrote one nite, I'd gone to bed drunk, & woke up later that nite scared to death, I wrote these poems then. First one:
MY DEAR CHILD
A silent voice far away was crying
Deep in my depths
Was it a lost soul?
Acheing to be found?
home free to be,
Or is it love on it's way to me
I am here
Hiding on Alamosa street
You must be sly
If I sense you near
I'll flee.
Second one:
HELLO NEIGHBOR
You say my name so kindly
It reaches
gentle thoughts
of you
Your light is on, I just looked
your way
ZEITGEIST....the movie
Watch it & decide for yourself.
I'M AN ALCOHOLIC....
The topic this morning was the Daily Reflections for today. You know, I had so much shame about my drinking/drugging, & the things I did. Letting myself get to such a low bottom. There's not many women in this area that lost everything, they still had their houses, cars, careers, etc. As one woman put it, she may not have lost the material things, but she lost her soul. Why did I have to hit a lower bottom to lose mine? That kind of thinking is my ego telling me I'm worse than they are, I'll never measure up, I'm not as good as, they didn't wind up homeless, so they weren't as bad off. I'm lower than the lowest. That's my ego setting me up to fail, to go back out, I don't deserve sobriety, I'm different, I'm unique. It's just as egotistical as someone who thinks they're better, it's ego in reverse. I read that somewhere in the BB. What an awakening that was. I never thot of myself as being egotistical. I've always had low sef esteem, how could that be egotistical? But it is. So it's good to know I'm not different, I'm an alcoholic among other alcoholics. What a joy that is to find out. Keep on Keepin' On.
HARM DONE TO OTHERS.....
In doing my 4th step this time, alot of 8th step stuff came up, cuz I've done a 4th, & an 8th before. In the begnning it was all about the resentments, now the harm I have done others creeps in, more & more is revealed, MY selfishness, & so on. I have made amends to my family, but more is being revealed, of the harm I did them. How I handle that now is do a living amends. I don't want to keep making amends over & over, I don't think it would have the same meaning. My dad, & mom, & little brother are dead. I made amends to my mother before she died, but more has been revealed. I didn't get to my brother, I wasn't there yet, & I was still drinking when my dad was alive. This haunts me, I wish so much I could have. I wish too, they could see the change in me, & we could have repaired our relationship. Some things I'll never be able to repair. I can do a living amends, & write them letters, but somehow it's not the same as them seeing for themselves how truly sorry I am, that I really do regret hurting them, in so many ways. I have to live with this, it haunts me, the pain will never go away. I am reminded every day of what I did. I don't dwell on it, but it just comes up. Maybe when I get thru my 4th & 8th & 9th step, it will ease up a little. A big part of my living amends is helping others, working with other alcoholics, helping my neighbor, whatever comes up where I can be of service, I do with a smile on my face. Where I couldn't help them, I help others, & I carry the message both inside & outside of AA. It keeps me off the pity pot, & lightens the load some. I use my past to carry the message, that's all. Well, I'm not perfect, I still get on the pity pot, I'm still bitchy sometimes, but there is a solution today, & I can choose to get out of the problem, & get into the solution. I have a choice now that I'm in recovery. I didn't have choices when I was drinking/drugging. Love & respect each other.
I GET TO.....
I think I need to go off my anti depressant. I think it's leaving me numb. I'm going to talk to my dr. about it. Every couple of weeks I sleep a day or two all day, I have no motivation, or energy. I guess you could say I'm slothful. I hate that! I don't like being on meds anyway, & I believe if I keep working the steps, i can go off them. I know of some people who did, & they're doing better. It's not that I'm not happy, my life is good. I have a wonderful sister, a circle of friends, my cat Riley, who thinks I'm wonderful. Maybe it's cuz I'm used to chaos in my life, I don't know. It isn't now, & I don't want it. Chaos used to keep me motivated, gave energy, most of it was from anger. So now, I have to deal with the peace in my life. Sounds strange doesn't it? I HAVE TO deal with the peace in my life? It's more like, I need to get used to it, adjust, or even more so, conform my will to God's will. That's it! I don't HAVE to do anything, but I GET to do everything. Makes sense to me.
TORN...
I am always so torn when I have to leave my sister, & Portland. I love Portland, & I especially love my sis, & want to live near her. So when I leave I have mixed feelings. I'm glad to get back to my friends, & AA, but I hate to leave her, & Portland. Our mom, dad, & little brother are gone, & we're all we have. I'm like on a high when I'm there, I only get to see her 2 or 3 times a year. I'm still on a high when I get back, then I start feeling the let down. Then too, I don't go to meetings while I'm there, so I'm missing them. It takes me a little while to settle in when I get back. MY fear of people comes back, feeling like an outsider, not belonging, all that stuff. It's amazing how short of time away from meetings it takes for all the insecurities to come back. It isn't anything anybody does, it's all inside of me. Then the lonliness comes. I go thru this every time. I am going to be praying to my HP about moving to Portland. The main thing is, I don't know if I can afford to live in the city. But the other thing is, I have a trememdous support system here. I have a circle of friends I love, & who love me, they are lifelong friends, & that takes a long time to accomplish. But then, I want to be near my sis. She is so dear to my heart, & I am her. She's leaving it up to me to decide, because she knows what I would be leaving, & she truly does have my best interest at heart. Any suggestions? I've missed you all too, didn't get on the computer much while there.
How do you like my new blogsite, & blog title? I thot I would get something a little more pleasant on the eyes, it's easier to read hu? I'm still Sharon's Journey, just my blog title is different. Let me know what you think. Hope to hear from all of you. Love & respect each other.
MY TRIP.....
I had a wonderful time with my sis, just got back yesterday evening. One of the things I did was spend a whole day in Powell's Book Store, which is one of the largest book stores in the country, maybe world. It is huuuge! In a day I looked at & bought a whole bunch of books. I got some by Willeam James, Eric Fromm, I got The Invitation, & The Call, by Oriah, just to name a few. I want to read them all now. I'm starting out with The Invitation, & How Now...100 ways to celebrate the present moment, by Raphael Cushnir. I also got Meditation in Action. These are a treasure. And of course I went to the AA store, & bought some AA dictionaries, an extra BB, & the small edition of the first 164 pgs, & some book markers with the index on them. I'm going to give some to friends, & share some, but I was mostly selfish in getting all these books for myself. I usually buy things for friends, I didn't this time, cuz I spent too much on the books, & that's ok.
I also found this great second hand store that takes trade ins, they have cool clothes, & shoes, & bags. I got a couple of things there.
But mostly, I had a good visit with my sis, whom is dear to my heart, I am hers too. She always cooks one of our fav meals that our mother used to cook, & makes a delicious banana cream pie! What a treat.
The drive is beautiful, with the columbia river, some mountains, some desert, some forest, in other words, a little bit of everything.
My life just keeps getting better! I didn't think I could ever be happy, but I am today. I'm not saying I don't have bad days, or get the blues, I do, but even that is better than in my drinking days. There was a time I was happy, but things kept getting worse. Once I strated on that downward spiral, there was no stopping it, it got really ugly. I'm not saying either, I never had good times..I did. I get ephoric recall about them, I go ahead & let myself, & enjoy the high, but I don't drink or use over it.
It's good to be home, & see my friends, & go to meetings. Hope to be hearing from you. Love each other
GOING TO SEE MY SISTER....
Come to think of it, I like Blue Grass, & Celtic too. Blue Grass is our roots, where it all started. I watched a program on Blue Grass music, & how it all got started. It's very interesting, & pretty neat.
My ex sponsor & I are getting to be pretty close. I took her around to see my world of friends, whom she knew of, but didn't really know them. We had such a good time. I love it when I can do that. I picked up another sponsee, I hope I can do her justice. Three is enough for me, I don't want to get so busy, I don't have the required time to spend with each of them. I love sponsoring tho. It helps me too! Probably more than it helps the sponsee. I take this sponsoring business very seriously, but we have fun too. We are not a glum lot.
I am visiting my sister, am leaving fri. morning, as early as I can get around. I always look forward to seeing her. Of course while I'm there I'll visit the AA store, they have all the AA literture, some I've never seen here, like book markers with the index on them. They also have Hazeldon books, & others on recovery. I spend at least $100 every time I'm there, I love going there. I like some of the recovery shops too, I get gifts from them for my friends. I do at the AA store too.
I'll maybe post while I'm there, but usually I'm too busy with my sis. So I'll 'talk' to you when I get back. I'm stealing this from another blogger, love each other. I love that.
