BOOKS, MUSIC, & GOD.....
I love books, & I love any kind of book on recovey, spirituality, philosophy, or anything that catches & keeps my attention. I just bought a taller bookcase. I still don't have room to put them all out, there are several boxes of them. I'd like to put them out, but I don't have room for another bookcase. I have self help books, books on recovery, books on philosophy, medical books, Bibles, novels, household, psycology. I haven't had the time lately to read, I've been quite busy. I love music too. Rock 'n' Roll is my mainstay, esp. classic rock. I like all kinds of music. I like even some country, but not much, & I can't listen to it for very long. In fact, I don't. So maybe I don't really like it, after all. There's so many styles of music. Rock covers an awful lot, it has a wide variety. It's spiritual, emotional, intelligent, I take it in very deeply..to the soul. It helped me to keep my sanity, it helped me not to sink in my depression, it made me happy, it made me sad, it made me feel, it made me think, it made me question, it connected me to you, it connected me to me, it connected me to God. It made me high. I used to play it all the time. I don't play it much anymore, I don't know why, sure isn't cuz I don't still love music, I don't know. You know the saying, 'Be still & know there is God'. I seem to like silence quite alot these days, & I'm still, in the moment. God, to me is in silence, in books, in music, in people, in nature, in the wind, I don't want to miss a moment with God. But that's up to me, in my openess, my awareness. Am I making any sense? I would like to hear from you all. Your feelings, your thots on this.
Labels: Books, Music God
LIFE IS GOOD......
Today was a wonderful day. It started out talking for an hour to my ex sponsor. The whole conversation was about recovery, I love that. Then, her & I & our sponsor, & her sponsee, & my sponsee went out of town to a noon meeting. It was refreshing to see new faces. We dropped everyone off & her & I stopped by a friend of mine, & they really hit it off. They are both world travelers, & intellectuals, knew some of the same books & arts. I just kept looking at one, then the other as they were talking, it was interesting. There was a time in my life that would have intimidated me, I would have shrunk, that's ego. But it didn't at all. That was a wonderful discovery, among other things.
My ex sponsor (the one that went back out) & I have a different relationship now, & it's better. Instead of sponsor sponsee, we're friends, & sisters in recovery. I'm getting to know a different person, & I like her more. We really are connecting on a deeper level. It's exciting! We're going to start meeting once a week with a couple other friends to study the BB. I can hardly wait to get started. Life is good!
LIGHT BULB MOMENT......
At the meeting tonite we discussed rage, & anger. I had a lightbulb moment. I realized that for me, there is a difference. When I'm angry, it's because I didn't get my way, or you're not doing it right, or somebody keyed my car (that really happened, I was pissed!) Rage is a whole other arena. When I have been in a rage in the past, it has always been out of deep, deep, hurt to the bone. I've been in a rage a number of times, & I was hurting to the bone! Sometimes it was what was being done to me, sometimes something triggered something in my past. I think I pretty much have a handle on my rage, not so much my anger. I can get angry quickly, but it usually doesn't last. If it does, I'm usually angry at myself over the situation. I didn't handle something right, or I allowed something unpleasant to happen. I love it when I get clarity. That's my story, & I'm sticking to it.
The sponsor I had who went back out never left meetings, she is still going, & is back on track. I'm so glad. I'm going to continue to meet with her one day a week, & we'll study, & discuss the BB, not as sponsor, sponsee, but as friends, sisters, in the program. It would help us both. There's no reason to quit meeting with her. In fact, we may get a little group going, I don't know. We'll see. I am worried about her, so I'm trying to help fill up her idle time. Oh, I know, but for the grace of God, there go I. She had about 6 mos. more time than me, & it scared me, I mean, I've relapsed before, I don't trust myself. I trust God tho. That's a beautiful thing. You all have a good one, & love each other.
Labels: angerm rage trusting God, BB study, relapse, sponsor
ANXIETY & FEAR.....
Well, I have to find another sponsor. My sponsor was confronted today about her drinking, & using pills for the last 3 or 4 mos. At first she denied it, a couple of times, those women, one of them her sponsor wouldn't let up, so she finally admitted that yes, she had been drinking, & using. I'm disappointed, but I don't judge her. Who am I to judge, I've done it myself, more than once. She got very involved in her church, & let up on AA, cut back on her meetings, & service work.
I've been having alot of anxiety & fear lately. I'm 21/2 yrs. old in my recovery, & am told it's separation anxiety. Two yr. olds start separating from their parents at that age. I've been feeling like I'm coming onto my own moreso, but I'm frightened about it. It's like, I don't want to be out here on my own, but I do. I'm getting out of my people pleasing, too. I'm having trouble finding a balance, cuz I still need people. I guess I'm growing out of dependence, & learning interdependence. That's part of the uncovering, discovering. That's what it's about too. I'm uncovering in my 4th step, but also discovering, some of it isn't so hot. I don't like looking at my defects, but I'm glad I get to, I have the opportunity to let God get rid of some, & work at improving on some others. I've been working with my grande sponsor some, so guess I'll just work with her more, & let my sponsor go. She needs to work on some things, she has to start over. Well, I just realized, I have to be dependent on God, interdependent with people, & humble with myself, in other words, get right sized. I'm also in a place in my recovery, there are some friendships that I need to give more of myself with, be more open, & that is very scary for me. I've kept people at arms llength for a long time. That's just not going to work anymore. So yes, I've been anxious, & frightened about that too. It will all be ok tho, I know that, as long as I give it to God. Blogging, & hearing from my blogger friends has helped me so much. I was going to say, you just don't know, but I'll bet you do. Thank you for your support, encouragement, in such kind words. I love you all.
A SPIRITUAL DAY......
Do you ever have moments when you feel real? I've felt that a few times, ever so fleetingly. That happened today. I did part of my 5th step..I'm going across, in doing my 4th step. Anyway, I just came from a meeting where a guy shared, & he told part of my story. I came from the streets, I slept in my car, I slept at the bus station, I wore other people's clothes, I drank Night Train. I've come so far, by the grace of God, AA, the fellowship, & my blogger friends, I am learning to be real, I'm learning who I am (that is coming slowly). When he shared, it took me back to that person who drank & drugged, & was so self destructive, self abusive. I could separate myself from that person, & feel compassion for her, she was in so much pain! You see, I just want to be real, the good, the bad, the ugly, the wonderful, everything. I don't want to put on 'a face' anymore. I guess that comes with honesty. Maybe that's part of where it came from too, doing my 4th & 5th step today. Yes it is. It was pretty awesome. Oh, too, I'm happy about this woman, who has been in & out, come into the meeting tonite. She has been struggling for a long time now, & she just got back from treatment, she went to one of the best. I'm hoping she's here to stay this time. It was good to see her. There's another woman in the program, who doesn't have alot of time, but boy is she growing! It's fun to watch her, & be a part of that. Then, I got another sponsee, she & I had a good talk today. That's awesome. Today has been a good day, a spiritual day. You have a good one, & keep on keepin' on. Thanks for your support.
GOD IS MY SOURCE.............
I am forever young in spirit, for God is my source of energy & enthusiasm for life. This is what I read today out of my Inspirataion booklet. It's good news to me. Now, I must practice faith. Scratch my previous post.
BEAUTIFUL LIFE............
Most of the time, I feel so inadequate. It seems like I'm not getting that beautiful life everyone talks about. I'm working my steps. I go to meetings, I have a sponsor, I sponsor. That reminds me, a woman today asked me to be her sponsor. I said yes. I only hope I can do her justice. Well, it isn't about me, it's about relying on God, & as Pam says, doing the next right thing.
I went to work for a day at a job I did a few yrs. ago. Boy! Have I aged! I lasted one day. It's very hard work, my back, neck, & legs were so sore, & I was so tired, I could hardly move. I worked a 10 hr. shift, that's too long after not doing that kind of work for 3 yrs. Talk about humility, I got some real quick, like in, know my limitations! I thot I'd earn some extra money, well, I earned 1 day's worth. That's it! I was disappointed I couldn't do it, & felt bad about not going back in. That nite, I went to bed at 6pm, & slept till 2pm the next day! So, I didn't call them. I'm going to go in next wk. & give them my badge, & all that. Oh yea, & pick up my 1 days pay. Hey, it's extra money. My sponsor said not to be so hard on myself, after all, I did try.
So about the beautiful life. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm not reaching out enough. I go to women's potlucks, & other social things. I still have that hole inside. I think my ptsd is acting up, I still numb out, can't really get close to people on a one on one. I'm afraid for them to get to know me. Shoot, I don't know myself. So many of my character defects have been coming up. I'm still on my 4th, but going across & working my way to my 7th step, almost there. I know I should be further along. I keep procrastinating on my 4th. I'm sure it's obvious. Ok, I promise myself, I'm going to work on it tomorrow. Right now, I need to get some sleep. I have 1 sponsee already, & I'll tell you, I love sponsoring, her & I have become quite close. Hmmm, did I say that? That conflicts with what I said earlier about not getting close to people. I'm kinda all over the place tonite. Must have been that hard labor.
OPEN TO GOD...........
When I was growing up, I learned from going to church & from my grandmother, that if I didn't believe, or behave, I was going to hell. As I got older, I started really misbehaving, I started drinking to the point of black out, when I was 12. Later on I remember consciousley chanllenging those beliefs, & God. Oh yea, well I'll do THIS, & we'll see what happens. If I'm going to hell, I might as well really earn it. God, to me was punishing, judgemental, angry, & scary. I ran from Him/Her. All the things that happened to me as a child, & in my drinking/drugging career, was either a punishment, or God had left me, I wasn't sure which. Besides, God was light years away, unobtainable, & certainly didn't want anything to do with me. I was a sinner, after all.
When I first came into AA, I didn't want to have anything to do with God. I was one of those violent anti-religious people. I still am anit-religious, but not anti God. The first time I thot of God in any kind of personal way was when I went back on my drinking/drugging career, & realized a Higher Power had been watching over me, & was with me, & I've heard this from so many others. There's just no other explanation. Hard as I tried to come up with something else, it didn't fit. Then I started seeing God working in my life today, thru people, nature, right timing, energy. So, that put me in the present. Now, I am just starting to get the God in me, mostly in fleeting, flashes. The sense of peace I get, the feeling of being 'home'. One time, I thot to myself, this is Sharon, my name is Sharon, & I was present. The BB helped me in these discoveries, too. Where it says willingness opens the door, self will closes it. That seemed to say to me, it was up to me. Also where it says there either IS a God, or there ISN'T a God. The choice was mine. I had a choice. I didn't have a choice when I was growing up, it wasn't put to me in that manner. I was forced to believe or I would go to hell. Pretty scary stuff. What I did was, create my own hell, based on what I bellieved. Today, I have to keep it simple, as in the BB, & take from my own experiences, how is it that I'm alive, & well? I know I am truly a miracle today, that's awesome! We all are. That should make us think a little better of ourselves. God has a purpose for us, He/She wants us here, I am a useful human being today. I am starting to have a personal relationshiip with God, today. But to have that, I have to work at it, thru the steps, you people, there are signs everywhete, if my heart & mind are open to love. You all have a good one, & Keep on Keepin' on.
I HAD AN EPIPHANY......WOO HOO!
This is in reference to my previous 2 posts, also to the Daily Reflections today.
IDENTIFYING FEAR
The chief activator of our defects has been self centered fear.
I was in fear, I didn't realize it until yesterday, & I was even able to name them this morning, thanks to some comments, & the Daily Reflection today. Let me start over. I wrote a post yesterday about some of my pet peeves in AA. After I wrote it, I almost deleted it, for fear of being judged, & repremended. I wasn't, the comments were very gentle & allowed me to have my pet peeves, but pointed out a better way, ever so lovingly. I, however wasn't so loving when I wrote about them (pet peeves). I recognized that. Anyway, that got me on the fear track. I didn't know that was what I was doing when, in my 2 posts afterward I wrote about my 4th & 8th step, & as I was writing, I had an epiphany concerning the whole thing, fear was at the basis of all this confusion I created. I love these God shots. So, I've been bumped up, in my awareness of my fears, my complicating matters, till I'm confused, that's what my disease wants, it wants me confused, it doesn't want me to work the steps. AAAAh, I feel lighter. Thanks, to those who stop by my bloggy (I'm borrowing that from Lushgurl, hope you don't mind).
You all have a good one, Keep on Keepin' on.
LOST IN THE STEPS............
This is regarding my previous post. I am ready to do the 8th step, in fact, I need to. I don't think I need to keep doing the 4th over & over. What do you think? I'm kinda at a loss, cuz I lost one sponsor while I was on my 8th step, I didn't get to finish it, cuz the next sponsor had me start over with the 1st step, then when I got to the 4th step with her, I lost her, so the sponsor I have now is starting me over with the 1st step again, & I've worked my way to my 4th step again, & now I'm stuck. I did a thorough 4th twice, with both sponsors, maybe I need to be on the 8th. Confusing isn't it? I'm lost in the steps, that's unusual. Because, the steps give you direction. So what do my friends in blogworld think? Read my previous post, maybe it'll give you a better idea of where I'm at, or maybe this post will do the job, I kinda think so. I'm confused. Help!! Am I decepting myself? Is my disease acting out?
4th Step............
I'm all messed up on my 4th step. I've started it over many times. I know there must be fear connected. I did it, not by the BB the first few times. I used one one those print out of the columns from Joe & Charilie, & I got quite aways on that, but it seemed to me, it went into the 8th step, also. I'm not ready for the 8th step, & it was a little confusing. I went by a book that lined out the 4th step, it was even more confusing. Then I went by some other one too. Now I'm going by the BB. By this time tho, I'm so sick of writing 4th steps, I don't want to do it, I just don't want to start all over, & do all that writing, & checking off again. I do however, want to get past this, & get on with my other steps. I've wound up stuck on the 4th step, then too, I went back on the 3rd step, to make sure I have a good foundation. My excuse is, I want to do it as thorough as I can, I want to be honest, so I keep going back over it. I'm not getting the flow of it, like I did with my previous 4th steps. What's the matter with me? I should have it down pretty good by now. Maybe I'm avoiding the 8th, & 9th. I've only done the 8th, & 9th one other time, but my sponsor fired me, that was when I was grieving over my brother dying of alcoholism. I went crazy with grief, it just took me over, & got in the way of my step work. I've had a hard time getting back on track since then. I don't think I want to face the things I did to him, because I can't make amends to him, I can, but will he know? The same thing with my mom, who died a few yrs. after he did. I need them to forgive me in person. I know I need to continue with my steps tho, & I will, but wish I wouldn't take so long. I'm glad I don't have to wait till the 9th step for promises to come true for me, some already have. There are promises thru out the BB. Step 3 has them, step 5 has them, they're all thru the steps, so we don't have to wait till we're half way thru. As long as we continure. That's it! I haven't continued, I got stuck on the 4th step. Ok, time for me to roll my sleeves up & get on with it. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks. Keep on Keepin' On. A good one for me to follow. I want this spiritual food bad enough, I will.
OLD AA.............
When I first came in AA, it was old AA, & I had to learn humility from the start. Back then, they had smoking meetings. I was told to do service work, by emptying the ashtrays after the meeting, washing the cups, I graduated to making the coffee, & chairing a meeting. I was also told I announce my birthdays, by 1mo. 2mo. 3mo 6mo. 9mo. & yrs. thereafter. The meetings I go to now, they announce every mo. & it takes up valuable time of the meeting, besides, there's no humility there. I was also told, we leave our degrees, & our professions out of the meeting. When you come in the rooms of AA, you're just another alcoholic, junkie. There is one woman who comes to meetings, & without fail, every time she shares, she mentions her degrees, & profession. It separates her from the rest of the people, she's building herself up. I don't know about you, but around professional people I always felt not as good as. Besides, it's a complete turn off. No humility there, just ego. I think AA is watered down today, & I've noticed that a number of the newcomers aren't willing to do service work, or follow directions. I hope I don't sound like a bleeding deacon, or anything of the like. It's just thaat I've seen it get watered down over the yrs. That worries me, & sometimes pisses me off. There are alot more relapses too. I wonder why? Could it be they don't have the wilingness, they haven't surrended? Could be. I'm not here to judge, but I love AA, & I don't like it when I see people disrespecting our society, our way of life, our principles. But then, I relapsed. It wasn't cuz I didn't follow directions, I did, however, I argued with my sponsor, & thot I could do it myself, & back came the self will, the ego, & pride, my disease kicked in. I had humility in the beginning, but then, I took it back, I didn't surrender. I had 8yrs. once. That was when I was following directions, I did what they told me, I got into service work, I didn't announce my birthday every frickin' mo. To me, that's boosting your ego. Sorry, it's one of my pet peeves, not a big deal, but it bugs me.
AA FUNCTIONS..........
I've been at a loss what to post. The last few days I was in a funk. Sometimes I get tired of doing the same mundane things to take care of myself, it's an effort, day after day after day. Then I realized I GET to take care of myself, & I'm so grateful for that.
Even the things I don't like doing, I get to. There was a time when I needed help taking care of myself, I was so toxic, sick, helpless. All I need to do is change my attitude, my perception, like realizing I get to do these things, I am blessed.
Well, the PNC came & went. PNC stands for Pacific Northwest Conference. Bill W. started it in 1948, in Seattle, I believe. They have panels who speak on a chosen topic, it was the 12th step, & service this year. There is a marathon AA meeting, Alanon is there too, & they have a speaker. AA has two or three speakers. The whole thing starts fri. & goes thre to sun. morning with a spiritual breakfast. If you ever get a chance to go to any AA functions, I'd recommend it. The assemblies, there are about 4 different functions, & they're a chance to learn more about AA, how it is run, & they have different themes, or topics. Some of them have workshops, panels, where you get to ask any question you want related to AA. Some of them, they vote on motions that have been passed, starting at the home group. These functions are where that all happens, the voting is a long process, the motion can either make it to the floor, or be voted down, or put on hold till the next session. It's quite interesting. A wonderful thing to be a part of, & it's service work. I'm sure most of you already know all about them. I hope so, cuz I didn't explain it very well. There's so much more to AA than a meeting, but the group is where AA starts, from the bottom up. Really cool how it works, & that it does work, & still is after 70 yrs. or close to.
Well, there now, you've had your lesson on AA. LOL. I'm sure you all know more about it than I do. I just touched on it.
