BEAUTIFUL LIFE............
Most of the time, I feel so inadequate. It seems like I'm not getting that beautiful life everyone talks about. I'm working my steps. I go to meetings, I have a sponsor, I sponsor. That reminds me, a woman today asked me to be her sponsor. I said yes. I only hope I can do her justice. Well, it isn't about me, it's about relying on God, & as Pam says, doing the next right thing.I went to work for a day at a job I did a few yrs. ago. Boy! Have I aged! I lasted one day. It's very hard work, my back, neck, & legs were so sore, & I was so tired, I could hardly move. I worked a 10 hr. shift, that's too long after not doing that kind of work for 3 yrs. Talk about humility, I got some real quick, like in, know my limitations! I thot I'd earn some extra money, well, I earned 1 day's worth. That's it! I was disappointed I couldn't do it, & felt bad about not going back in. That nite, I went to bed at 6pm, & slept till 2pm the next day! So, I didn't call them. I'm going to go in next wk. & give them my badge, & all that. Oh yea, & pick up my 1 days pay. Hey, it's extra money. My sponsor said not to be so hard on myself, after all, I did try.
So about the beautiful life. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm not reaching out enough. I go to women's potlucks, & other social things. I still have that hole inside. I think my ptsd is acting up, I still numb out, can't really get close to people on a one on one. I'm afraid for them to get to know me. Shoot, I don't know myself. So many of my character defects have been coming up. I'm still on my 4th, but going across & working my way to my 7th step, almost there. I know I should be further along. I keep procrastinating on my 4th. I'm sure it's obvious. Ok, I promise myself, I'm going to work on it tomorrow. Right now, I need to get some sleep. I have 1 sponsee already, & I'll tell you, I love sponsoring, her & I have become quite close. Hmmm, did I say that? That conflicts with what I said earlier about not getting close to people. I'm kinda all over the place tonite. Must have been that hard labor.
posted by sharonsjourney @ 10:37 PM
4 Comments:
i'm gonna tell you what someone told me when i was thinking that:
you need to learn to love and conquer the simple things in life, the life sustaining tasks, only then can be excel at the bigger things...
make sense?
I'm with Shadow on this. Victory comes at the end of the day...for me..from simply living THAT day to the best of my ability. Thanks for coming by my blog darlin'.
Boy, you really are your own harshest critic huh? Try not to "should" on yourself! The fact that you have the courage to try stuff speaks volumes to me. Some days just getting out of bed can be a challenge, but you are doing that and so much more. Reaching out? Letting people really know YOU? You're doin' it!
I love the YOU I know!...and thanx for indulging my gardening obsession!!!
stop the "shoulds"..celebrate the little victories. are you sober today? Oh? Well then you have a beautiful life! And damn I think you are a beautiful person.
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