FELLOW TRAVELER

OPEN TO GOD...........

When I was growing up, I learned from going to church & from my grandmother, that if I didn't believe, or behave, I was going to hell. As I got older, I started really misbehaving, I started drinking to the point of black out, when I was 12. Later on I remember consciousley chanllenging those beliefs, & God. Oh yea, well I'll do THIS, & we'll see what happens. If I'm going to hell, I might as well really earn it. God, to me was punishing, judgemental, angry, & scary. I ran from Him/Her. All the things that happened to me as a child, & in my drinking/drugging career, was either a punishment, or God had left me, I wasn't sure which. Besides, God was light years away, unobtainable, & certainly didn't want anything to do with me. I was a sinner, after all.

When I first came into AA, I didn't want to have anything to do with God. I was one of those violent anti-religious people. I still am anit-religious, but not anti God. The first time I thot of God in any kind of personal way was when I went back on my drinking/drugging career, & realized a Higher Power had been watching over me, & was with me, & I've heard this from so many others. There's just no other explanation. Hard as I tried to come up with something else, it didn't fit. Then I started seeing God working in my life today, thru people, nature, right timing, energy. So, that put me in the present. Now, I am just starting to get the God in me, mostly in fleeting, flashes. The sense of peace I get, the feeling of being 'home'. One time, I thot to myself, this is Sharon, my name is Sharon, & I was present. The BB helped me in these discoveries, too. Where it says willingness opens the door, self will closes it. That seemed to say to me, it was up to me. Also where it says there either IS a God, or there ISN'T a God. The choice was mine. I had a choice. I didn't have a choice when I was growing up, it wasn't put to me in that manner. I was forced to believe or I would go to hell. Pretty scary stuff. What I did was, create my own hell, based on what I bellieved. Today, I have to keep it simple, as in the BB, & take from my own experiences, how is it that I'm alive, & well? I know I am truly a miracle today, that's awesome! We all are. That should make us think a little better of ourselves. God has a purpose for us, He/She wants us here, I am a useful human being today. I am starting to have a personal relationshiip with God, today. But to have that, I have to work at it, thru the steps, you people, there are signs everywhete, if my heart & mind are open to love. You all have a good one, & Keep on Keepin' on.

posted by sharonsjourney @ 4:46 PM