MY LOVE......
This is so hard to write, because I have so much wrapped up in this man...my ex. The one I tried to kill. He had been cheating on me for a long time, & I kept taking him back, I still loved him, & yes, I still do. I was so deeply hurt so many times, that I finally went into a rage & tried to kill him. Yet when I was with him, I felt like everything had come together, everything was ok, that we belonged together. All the songs I had ever loved came together in him. He gave me that same spiritual feeling. We had just gotten back together..again. We were getting along fine, & then, out of the blue, I calmly walked up behind where he was sitting, grabbed the chain around his neck, & started choking him. He got away from me, & he called the police, & off I went to jail for assault. They did drop it to a misdemeanor because I hadn't been in any kind of trouble for 20 yrs. Lucky for me. I have never had that kind of hurt or rage in my life, that I can remember. All my fears came to pass in that relationship. Betrayal, abandonment, rejection, humiliation, loss of self respect, & incomprehensable demoralization in the end, but you know what else? I was afraid I wasn't lovable, or capable of loving, & having that kind of passion. All those happened. I found I am lovable, I found I am capable of loving very deeply, & that I am passionate. Yes I was hurt, but some good came out of it. I got thru those intense fears, I thot I was going to die from a broken heart, but I didn't, I lived thru it. I used to blame him, but I realize now, we were both playing a part, we didn't know. We both had baggage, issues, fears, we hadn't dealt with. I wish I could tell him that. Then again, sometimes I still get angry over how he treated me, but I get angrier at myself for allowing it, & I lost my self respect. That was when I hit bottom in my codependency, I hit so hard, I bounced a few times, & hit again, & again, until I came to that incomprehensable demoralization. I saw him tonite for the first time in a few months, & my little heart still went thump thump. I am wiser today, however. I know the two of us together are disastrous. I believe I will always feel love, & passion for him, but it doesn't hurt so bad, & I can be around him. That was not always the case. I cried over what happened with that man, from the depths of my soul. I believe all the times I had been hurt before, or all the times I hadn't grieved happened during that relationship. He was an instrument, to allow me to grieve, really grieve...finally. For that I am thankful. I owe him an amends. But that's down the road aways. I'm afraid to right now. See? I'm still afraid of rejection. Not only that tho, I don't know, at this time if I could get thru it without choking up. So, maybe it's pride that is keeping me from doing one. Or, maybe I should leave it alone. God will reveal to me what I should do. You know what song came on, driving home after I saw him? I LOVE YOU by the Moody Blues.
posted by sharonsjourney @ 8:08 PM
14 Comments:
that was a beautiful post. sad but beautiful. shows how intense our emotions are at times, that they blind us to all and everything, except to get relief from what we are feeling.
In a relationship as you stated, both parties do play a part and both do bring all their baggage into the relationship. It has helped me so much to have the program that I have. I am very grateful for that.
Oh Sweets--yes! to that playing a part stuff. This program helped me realize how deeply dangerous it is to pretend that I or anyone else is anything other than what we really, really are. IT sounds as though you are learning and growing. You go, girl!
What amazing honesty!! It must have been weird to run into him, bringing back a lot of those feelings. But I am glad about the strength you have inside- he put you through a great deal of pain and seemed to make you feel so insecure by cheating and whatnot. Although you feel that you owe him amends, I think he owes you just the same. It might make you feel better and help you close the door once and for all, but it may also bring old feelings back and cause you more heartache. Stay strong, I'm very proud of you- love hurts.
I hope it gave you some peace to write that. It must have been hard but it sounds like you dealt with it well.
I would strongly suggest the you listen to more Moody Blues. You will be amazed at what the music will do for your spirit. I hope you have a wonderful life.
Heart felt post S. Keep on keepin on. One day at a time those wounds will heal.
Love and hugs,
Gwen~
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
At 9:35 AM , MICKY said...
This post has been removed
Dear Sharon
Deleting my comments is not going to help you recover "Little Sharon", who I imagine you abandoned quite a long time ago.
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY
FELLOW ZOMBIE
Sharon Said:
I am an alcoholic/addict trying to live life on life's terms. I am loving, passionate, crazy, dangerous, insighful, and intuitive.I'm so sorry you got michied. How can we get him off our blogs for good?! Anyway, have a super time! Looking forward to your next post.I had to let a sponsee go, I don't like having to do that. I'll bend over backwards for them, but they have to do their part, they have to meet a few requirments, & she wasn't doing that, it has happened before with her, & I let it slide, but I felt this time I had to let her go, cuz it didn't seem like I was helping her.
Micky's Comments
Greetings Sharon
I felt some pain reading your comments - - you didn’t mention how you felt, Sharon! I imagine you are a “control freak”, “rageaholic” & “avoider.” You have a conscious fear of intimacy & unconscious fear of abandonment. Being a terrified “little girl,” you RAGE over your fear, pain, & shame. I wonder if a good therapist might help you process those feelings which are underneath your RAGE & recover “little Sharon” who I imagine, you abandoned many, many years ago. Were you abused as a child, Sharon? Were you FROTHING at the mouth when you posted your DIATRIBE? If you continue to attend 12 Step groups you will eventually end up as just another 12 STEP ZOMBIE - - an emotionally shutdown, cowardly, fear ridden, hissing, shape - shifting reptile. I love you Sharon! Do you love me? Remember, John 3:16, Sharon? I will pray for you, Sharon! You are not a PSYCHOPATH, are you, Sharon?
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY
A.A. AND RELIGIOUS FAITH
A.A. and Religious Faith
by A. Orange
Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.
Bill Wilson documented this vicious behavior in official A.A. literature, and even bragged about it, and offered this story as an example of how to deal with the problem of non-believers who stubbornly refuse religious conversion.
Mr. Wilson rationalized the whole story by saying that if they had just kicked Ed out for "blasphemy", in the beginning when he refused religious conversion, then the man would never have come to God. So deal with such guys the way that this story teaches:
Nowadays, when oldtimers who know Ed foregather, they exclaim, "What if we had actually succeeded in throwing Ed out for blasphemy? What would have happened to him and all the others he later helped?"
Isn't it funny that criticizing the hypocritical religiosity of Alcoholics Anonymous is "blasphemy"? Criticizing Bill Wilson's bombastic preaching is "blasphemy", punishable by death? Who does Bill Wilson think he is, the Pope? Or Grand Inquisitor Torquemada?
Also note the total denial there: Bill Wilson and the other elders basically did throw Ed out. They ostracized him, they 'bad-vibed' him, "all fraternal charity vanished", they wished that Ed would relapse, and then they abandoned Ed to death by alcohol when he relapsed. Then they sanctimoniously pretended that they had done no such things.
Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.
And there is a similar story in the Big Book, on pages 246 and 247 of the third edition (page 228 of the 4th edition), Jim Burwell's story The Vicious Cycle, where we read:
Much later I discovered the elders held many prayer meetings hoping to find a way to give me [a non-believer] the heave-ho but at the same time stay tolerant and spiritual.
William G. Wilson
"Stay tolerant and spiritual"? Isn't that a laugh?
Those "elders" sure had funny ideas of tolerance and spirituality:
* According to the standard A.A. dogma, you will die a horrible drunken death from alcoholism if you leave Alcoholics Anonymous -- "Nobody can do it alone", they say.
* They say that alcoholism is a "progressive disease", and that you don't have any control over it -- you are "powerless" over alcohol -- so kicking someone out of A.A. and abandoning him to alcoholism is (according to A.A.) imposing a very cruel slow death sentence on him.
* But somehow, "the elders" imagined that they could do that to a fellow Alcoholics Anonymous member, and still be "tolerant and spiritual."
* So those smug, sanctimonious hypocrites held many prayer meetings, seeking just the right "spiritual" way to send Jim Burwell to his death.
Bill Wilson really had a mean, hateful, side to him (which is typical of Narcissistic Personality Disorder). He self-righteously condemned men to slow painful deaths by alcohol for not believing in God in the way that Bill dictated. Bill Wilson only granted Ed acceptance in A.A. after he experienced religious conversion, and did what Bill wanted, and believed what Bill said. Those non-compliant alcoholics may have "signed their own death warrants" by not following Bill's "suggestions", but apparently, Bill Wilson didn't have any problem with vindictively arranging their executions for them.
So much for the "unconditional love" that they say you will find in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Note that such behavior continues in Alcoholics Anonymous even today. Newcomers who refused to believe what their sponsors told them, or refused to do what their sponsors instructed, have been advised to
"Go back out and do some more research on the subject."
--In other words, to get even sicker from alcohol poisoning, so that they will become more compliant and obedient.
It is obvious now that, as far as Bill Wilson was concerned, the real purpose of Alcoholics Anonymous was not to help people to quit drinking, but to make them believe in God -- specifically, believe in Bill Wilson's ideas of God, as well as to follow Bill's dictates, which he called "God's dictates":
* Believe in God as I dictate, or die.
* Do my Twelve Steps, which I wrote, or die.
* "Unless each A.A. member follows to the best of his ability our suggested [MY required] Twelve Steps to recovery, he almost certainly signs his own death warrant."
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, William G. Wilson, page 174.
* "At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God..."
The Big Book, William G. Wilson, page 77.
* "Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world..."
The Big Book, 3rd & 4th Editions, William G. Wilson, Working With Others, page 100.
And A.A. actually has the gall to say that it isn't a fanatical religion, just a nice, friendly, easy-going quit-drinking program. Will the Catholics or the Baptists abandon you to death in the streets just because you won't believe in God quite the way that they want you to?
In this town, I see the Catholics, the Baptists, the Seventh Day Adventists, the Salvation Army, the Union Gospel Mission, and a bunch of other unnamed Christian sects getting together and feeding and helping the poor and homeless, and I've never seen them refuse anything to a doubter just because he wouldn't believe the way that they wanted. In fact, I've never even seen them ask anyone what he believed before they hand out the food. Some of them preach, most of them don't, but they all just hand out the food, regardless of what you believe.
-- Speaking of which, I've never seen A.A. engage in any such charitable activities. That is Frank Buchman's religion showing again: Buchman preached that all social problems were caused by sin, and the cure was to get "changed" (changed into one of Buchman's followers). The Buchmanites would not do anything to fix the problems of society. Frank Buchman considered any attempts to fix social problems by any means other than prayer, confession, and surrender to God, to be "immoral". Hence, Buchman considered Women's Suffrage, the Civil Rights Movement, and the Labor Movement to all be "immoral activities", efforts too concerned with human well-being and not concerned enough with following "the dictates of God" (as Frank Buchman heard God dictating His orders, of course).
A.A. has a similar problem: it insists, in Tradition Ten, that it does not have any opinion on outside issues, and will not get drawn into public controversy. Unfortunately, in practice, that means that A.A. is so self-absorbed, self-centered and self-seeking that A.A. offers no fix for any of the problems of society except "Join A.A., Go to Lots of Meetings, Work the Twelve Steps, Get a Sponsor, and Read the Big Book."
Apparently, feeding or helping the poor and the homeless is too "controversial" for A.A. members, in spite of the fact that many of those poor and homeless people are alcoholics.
And remember the quote about service:
The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God.
The Big Book, 3rd & 4th Editions, William G. Wilson, Working With Others, page 98.
So don't help the alcoholics. That would make "materialists" out of them, and lead them away from dependence upon God.
Also, if you have some other problem that has nothing to do with alcoholism, then form another, separate, twelve-step group, like Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous or Sex Addicts Anonymous, and then Do The Twelve Steps, Go to lots of meetings, Get a sponsor, and Read the big book...
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY
HOW IT SUCKS
Rarely have we seen a person fail who thoroughly followed us home. Those who are not BRAINWASHED are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this garbage, usually men and women who are constitutionally capable of thinking for themselves. There are such fortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born premature. They are naturally capable of building and developing muscles, which demands rigorous training. Their chances are 6/4 on. There are those, too, who are gravediggers and undertakers, but many of them do become ZOMBIES if they have the capacity to be dishonest. Our stories disclose in a twisted way, who we like, what happened, and who we hate now. If you have decided you want a cup of tea and are willing to go to any lengths to become emotionally shutdown, SHAPE SHIFTING REPTILES - then you are ready to take certain steps. At some of these we balked, we thought we could find someone to 13th Step. And we realised, we could. With all the madness at our command, we beg of you to become Bill Wilson Clones - from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our BIG BOOKS and the result was nil until we let go of our SPONSORS.
Remember that we deal with alcohol, frothy, bubbly, and powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is one who has all power that one is the BARMAN. May you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the bar. We asked the BARMAN for a couple of stiff whiskies. Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program to INSANITY:
1.We admitted we were powerless over Coca - Cola, and decided to drink Pepsi, instead.
2.Came to believe that Cold Power was a detergent.
3.Made a decision to turn our heads when we saw an attractive blond.
4.Did a body search of the new members.
5.Admitted to our DOG, to elves, and to another super being the exact nature of our songs.
6.Were entirely ready to have SUPERMAN remove the effects of kryptonite.
7.Humbly asked CLARK KENT to remove our brains.
8.Made a list of all persons who owed us money, and became willing to charge them interest.
9.Made direct hits wherever possible, except when someone moved the target.
10.Continued to talk crap and when we were wrong, promptly talked more crap.
11.Sought through our mail and computer to improve our conscious contact with BATMAN, as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of ROBIN and the return of SPIDERMAN.
12.Having had a stroke as the result of these steps, we tried to carry out the garbage, and fell flat on our backs. Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain their homes and 13th Step the newcomers, at the same time. We are not psychopaths. The point is, that we are willing to become psychotic. The principles we have set down are guides to psychosis. We claim that Bill Wilson was a psychopath.
Our description of the landscape, the chapter to the Gnostic, and our family photos before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were ugly and could not manage our own appearance.
(b) That probably no photographer could have improved our looks.
(c) That a PLASTIC SURGEON could and would if he were sought.
Peace Be With You
Micky
TWELVE STEPS AWAY FROM CHRIST
Mr. Bill Wilson, founder of Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) and creator of the twelve step program. Mr. Wilson was heavily influenced by demons. Chapter sixteen (p. 275f) of 'Pass It On' The Story of Bill Wilson and how the A.A. message reached the world records Mr. Wilson's use of the ouija board, participation in seances, psychic events, "spook sessions", table levitation, and how he would receive "messages" from "discarnate" spirits. Bill Wilson was clearly in contact with demons, and this is the man who created the deceptive twelve step program. Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. (step #11. Emphasis added.) The last part of this statement ("as we understood Him") is enough to damn your soul! God says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5). This is the exact opposite of "God as we understood Him." All men, according to Romans 1:18-32, are condemned before God, because they rely upon their own understanding (Romans 1:21; Ephesians 4:18, "having their understanding darkened"), and they create (in their own darkened minds) a god of their own making (Romans 1:23). To encourage people to turn their "lives over to the care of God as we understood Him", is to encourage people to "turn their lives over to a god of their own making" (i.e. according to their own understanding). This promotes nothing more than spiritual death (Revelation 22:15). In addition, these twelve steps are a deceitful attack against the saving work of the Lord Jesus Christ (i.e. they are against Christ, antichrist, 2 John 7; Colossians 2:8-10). The twelve steps are (as Mr. Wilson used them) given as an answer (a way) in which one can overcome sin (with Mr. Wilson's case, the sin of drunkenness). Jesus Christ is the ONLY answer for sin. He is the only way (John 14:6). There is only ONE "step", and that is faith in the Savior (Ephesians 2:8/Matthew 1:21/John 8:36/Romans10:13)! The above exemplifies the "twelve steps" are what are used to "become free from addictive, compulsive" behavior (i.e. sin). In other words, the twelve steps are the savior! No doubt it is deceptive, because "Biblical principles" are interwoven throughout; but if they weren't, few (if any) would be deceived. One good question to ask would be, "Where does Scripture talk about any 'twelve steps'"? The answer? Nowhere! These twelve steps come from Satan (via Bill Wilson), who is the master deceiver (Revelation 12:9). Remember, Satan used Scripture to tempt Christ (Matthew 4:6), and Balaam spoke much truth (Numbers 23-24); but he was a false prophet (2 Peter 2:15-16/Numbers 22). In Matthew 7:13-14 Jesus warned, Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it. Jesus likewise warned in Luke 13:24, Strive to enter through the narrow gate, for many, I say to you, will seek to enter and will not be able.
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY
The Truth about Alcoholics Anonymous
Filed under: Rants — spedman @ Jun 22nd, 2007
When you think about Alcoholics Anonymous you think of a group that helps those with an addiction break the habit and become sober. You think of a program that betters someone with an addiction to alcohol. What you do not think is cult. The truth is alcoholics anonymous is simply a cult, one of the longest lasting ones at that. Throughout this paper I will prove to you just that.
Alcoholics Anonymous was created by two alcoholics by the names of William Wilson and Dr. Bob in 1935. They wrote books on the subject and gathered at arranged meetings every week to talk about there addiction. The program grew from there and they recruited many people with the enticing opportunity of becoming sober once again. The problem is the program is so flawed and non-effective it is almost impossible to become sober using its set rules and guidelines.
Alcoholics Anonymous still uses these books as there doctrine today, even though they have proven not effective. How can a program be created around guidelines written by two men who continually fell back into alcoholism? I see no way it can possibly work. Aside from its ineffectiveness, Alcoholics Anonymous runs solely on intimidation, false hopes, and the forced belief in god. Regardless of what Alcoholics denies it is very evident they promote religion.
As stated above Alcoholics Anonymous denies that they promote religion, yet constantly they say that its members must find god. It seems to me that that is promotion of religion. Federal courts even deemed Alcoholics Anonymous “unequivocally religious.” Through out AA’s history you can find thousands of remarks dealing with religion and even the sole belief that the only thing that matters is the AA program. Everything else must come second to AA. Here are a few things commonly stated at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings; “Alcoholics must turn to god.”, “Choosing to go to AA is choosing to find god.”, “Submission of the individual to the will of god is necessary.”, “Surrender your will to a greater will.”, “If you can not manage yourself turn to god.” If you can not see that those statements are in every way religious I don’t know what will.
Aside from those statements the two founders often say that the member must rely on the program and the program alone. If you read through there books you will be amazed at some of the things they say, often putting the program above family and other aspects of life. I was truly amazed at this quote from William Wilson; “I decided I must place AA above everything else, even my family, because if I did not maintain sobriety I would lose them anyway.” A man placed the AA program above his family, regardless of the reason that is a very strong sense of commitment. Many AA members read those very same words. If a founder gave up his family, would not a member do the same?
“But there is one who has all power—the one is god! May you find him now.” Simply put, AA is religious.
Alcoholics Anonymous as a group does many of the same things dangerous cults like the Manson family or Jones town did. But first we will talk about the founders of AA. Bill Wilson has become idolized. Much like the way everyone in the Manson family did whatever Charlie said without question. His home has become a shrine, and his belongings have become highly sought after items by the 12 step community. Some members even believe that he could possibly have been the reincarnation of Christ. The core members, although they deny having any leaders in AA, are often referred to as “trusted servants.” This label tags these members, the trusted servants, with a great amount of moral authority because the regular AA members believe that these members are representing AA’s history back to Bill W. and even to the Loving God AA obediently serves. Clearly this is cult like behavior!
Let’s talk about the effectiveness of the program. The twelve step program is NOT effective. If it were not for one leaked document there would not be much proof of to aide these remarks. Alcoholics Anonymous never releases any sort of documentation on the success of rehabilitating alcoholics. So naturally they can say they are the greatest in the world or that they have a 100% success rate. But, in 1989 an internal document was released, and on this document was statistics. It showed that 81% of AA members leave after one month, 90% of AA members leave after three months, 93% of AA members leave after six months, and 95% of AA members leave before twelve months. Alcoholics Anonymous has a success rate of 5%! It gets better. A percentage as small as 5% is considered to be spontaneous. This means that those 5% would have recovered without Alcoholics Anonymous. Let me break it down one more time just to make sure you get it. Success rate with AA: 5%, success rate without AA: 5%.
A side note, Hospitals gave alcoholics LSD, a hallucinogen type drug, to break down alcohol cravings. This abnormal treatment had a 15% success rate, theoretically proving that LSD is three times more effective at recovering alcoholics then Alcoholics
Anonymous. A former Alcoholics Anonymous spokes person said; “A majority of AA members slip after one month. Others stay dry up to six months but eventually slip before the twelfth month.” Coming from a former spokesperson I think maybe people should take that into consideration. Another quote fro ma spokesperson; “95% of newcomers do not ever attend a second meeting.” How great can your policy be if you can not even entice people to come more then once? The 5% of people who join AA would quit on there own. No need for the middle man.
Despite this alarming failure rate, Alcoholics Anonymous claims to be the only path to salvation. Alcoholics Anonymous tells its members that they must accept it’s doctrine despite its discrepancies. The twelve step program provides no methods of quitting, simply to just quit drinking. How many people do you know that can simply quit an addiction? One would think that they would revise there methods to get better results. Instead AA just says their program requires an unquestioning belief in obedience. When the program doesn’t work they just blame the person for failing, it is never AA’s fault.
The original founders tended to classify alcoholism as a “sin disease”. This is not possible. For one the philosophy of a “sin disease” is not possible in a free society. This is not a country run on religion. Therefore again proving AA to be religious. By slapping the idea of alcoholism being a sin on it’s members it again gains the upper hand and has the ability to control its members by saying anything they want as long as it’s in the name of god. As soon as you go to AA it is very hard to get away. Remember, it is a cult. AA is very possessive. They go to great lengths to bring you back. There are documentations of intimidation tactics being used, continuous phone calls, members often telling you that you will be damned if you do not return. They take growing there ranks very seriously.
Let’s break AA down. Alcoholics Anonymous is a highly religious group that thrives on the writings of it’s founders and put all of there belief in the writings and the twelve step program. Regardless of if it actually works. The members put the core members and the program above anything else in there lives. If it were necessary for AA to have the deed of their house they would give it to them. They do not second guess anything AA tells them to do, remember it is “gods will.” If a member becomes an alcoholic again, it is in no way the programs fault. The program always works as long as the member has total dedication and full belief in the power of “god.”
Friends, if Alcoholics Anonymous is not a cult I don’t know what is. If you can not see this by reading this paper then by all means go to any of the sources on my work cited paper. They have plenty of links and valid information based on Harvard studies and trustworthy sources. You can make your own decision, but it is very evident: Alcoholics Anonymous is unquestionably a cult.
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY
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