ADDICTION GOT IT'S WAY...ONCE AGAIN.....
No, come to think of it, I wasn't in a rage, I wasn't crying, I wasn't anything but a big hole, I was empty of everything, I was, like on another planet!! Truly I was. It was maybe a yr. probably six months before I had any feelings about anything. Then I grieved, & part of that grief was rage, hurt, fear, & extreme sadness. So, enough about that. I don't ever want to forget where I was at. I could get so 'well' I don't think I need any help, or lose my humility & not reach out for help when I need it. One thing I know is, this works by working with another alcoholic, You give help, you get help, you get help, you give help. That's the paradox of the thing. Wonderful how it works, we're taken care of, if we do that.
I am so upset with my friend. I'll tell you what happened. She thot she could rise above it all with her intelligence, thot she had us all fooled. She had a sponsor, she was sponsoring, she was reading the BB, sharing at meetings, doing the do, but apparently she was just going thru the motions. She wasn't being honest. She was using on & off the whole time. Just recently she was driving,going 60 mi. an hr & hit someone, the other driver was killed, & she wasn't even hurt that much. She is still using! I want to shake her! I want to throw her up against the wall, & scream at her, 'Look at where your disease took you? Look how many people you've hurt, & it killed a man! When is enough enough?!" That's what I want to do. I don't know what to do. I've called her, she called back twice, once I wasn't home, the other time she didn't stay on the phone. To tell you the truth, I'm glad, because I don't want to talk to her, I don't know what to say. I'm afraid I'd be drawn into her lies, or that I would be unkind. I will listen to her, but not her disease, trying to build up her ego, her lies, her denial. I won't do it. This is so devastating! The AA community is taking this pretty hard. I won't even write about how the people involved are taking it, I couldn't say.
Labels: another's addiction, early sobriety, how devastating, working with others
EARLY SOBRIETY.....
My friend who is in deep trouble isn't reaching out for help. She's called me a couple of times, but didn't stay on the phone long. She is still using, which baffles even me, an alcoholic. After what happened I would sure think she'd have quit. But, it takes what it takes, man, this disease is truly a killer!! I hate it!! I've had to work on not being down about it. It's not mine.
This morning's topic was on anger, out of As Bill Sees It. Seems to me, I wasn't angry, I went into rage. It would come out of the blue. Or I would cry from the depths of my soul, & they both were uncontrollable. I was very sellf destructive, was always hurting myself, or I would find someone to hurt me, & sometimes I'd go into deep depressions, & sellf pity, that was like quick sand, I about didn't get out, more than once. I couldn't function, the depressions were so bad. Friends would have to clean my house for me. I was so vulnerabe, & needy, & I had deep seated fears, & resentments. I was hyper sensitive, & full of self pity. I was this way in early sobriety. It took going to meetings & sharing, it took praying, it took working the steps, & getting into service work to get me out of myself. I had to do baby steps. I faced & went thru alot of those fears, & with that became less sensitive, & got a little peace, got out of myself little by little. I was truly insane in early sobriety. It took time for me to reach out, that was the thing, I had to reach out for help, I had to learn to help myself, ever so slightly, then I got the help. When someone reaches out, the hand of AA is there. And it was, still is, but I have to do my part. I heard an analogy yesterday. It goes like this. Say you're on the Titanic, & of course it sinks. You've got people out in the water, some are dog paddling around, & some have their hand stretched out for help. Who are you going to help first? I did my share of dogpaddling. My hand is out there for help, but it's also out there TO help. That's the way it works. We have to be helped before we can help, we have to help to be helped. Another one of those paradoxes, I love 'em. Want to know how I helped in the beginning? I'll tell you, I didn't think I could help anybody, I didn't have anything to give. Well, people in the program told me I had my story,,,,share it. I started out by doing that, later came strength & hope.
Hope you had a good week end. I had a busy one. I'm behind on my housework, but not cause of depression, cause I'm busy What a wonderful difference.
Labels: AA, early sobriety
