CODEPENDENCY............
I'm working thru my codenpendency. It's hard to say no to people, & people think I'm nice, then I feel guilty, cause yes, I am nice, but I'm not THAT nice. And I'm not being real. I've been in codependent relationships, & got so sick, as sick as I was in my alcoholism, & I hit bottom. Codependency hurts. I hate it when I see it in other people too, I can get judgemental, & angry, cause I see it in myself. Whether they work on theirs is none of my business, I just have to work thru mine. I'm working thru other issues too, & I'm back at step one again, let's face it, I'm powerless. Not over my actions tho, & I can change my thots, I can do something about alot of things, but some things I just can't, it's up to God. That's good to know, it makes life easier, & much simpler. I don't have to feel guilty, because I am doing the work, I'm working hard. We all have ups & downs, recovery is not a straight line upward. But I learn from the downs, I learn from the mistakes. I'm not going to apolojize for my feelings, I don't like perfect people, they trigger the feelings of less than. That's all I'm going to say about that. Is that childish? Well, I'll be 2 yrs. old next month. But that's no excuse hu? I'm going to stop now, I'm starting to ramble.
HONEST ABOUT WHERE I'M AT TODAY.............
Despite my wanting to roll out pretty words about the program, & teach you a few things...... I know, we're all teachers to each other, I learn so much from the fellowship. I have to be honest about where I'm at, & have been the last couple days. What my alcoholic brain is thinking. When I was drinking & newly sober I was a mess! I've come a long way, but I still have a disease that loves messing with me. I've been having feelings of insecurity. My brain was telling me that my sponsor was spending more time, & working more intently with another sponsee than me. First I was feeling insecure about that, then it turned into anger, I wanted to go straight to my sponsor & tell her about this, no actually, accuse her. Used to be I would do this, I reacted to other people's stuff, but to my owm too, however I percieved it, & do it in anger, cause I let myself get all worked up about it. This is embarrassing to admit. I didn't know what to do about it, & I stewed for a few days. I actually was in some pain about it. I wanted to do the right thing. Should I just let it go? No, because it was milling around in my head, & messing with my feelings. Should I go to my sponsor? Well, that would be going behind the sponsees' back. I didn't want to stir up trouble, I like the sponsee, we're sisters. After struggling with this a couple of days, I saw the sponsee at a meeting. So, I told her what I was going to do, & that was tell my sponsor how I felt, & what I thot, & that I thot it was unfair. She said they meet once a week just like her & I do. Anyway, we talked, then I talked about it in the meeting. As I shared, I realized how rediculous & childish I was being, everybody laughed, & I was able to laugh at myself. What a relief. I'll tell my sponsor about it. Maybe there is some other reason I was feeling so insecure, hopefully my sponsor & i will be able to figure it out, I have an idea, but I need to get it out, just like I did the other. You see, I think she's giving her more assignments, & she's moving her along faster, I want to know the reason for that. Is she working more intently with her? Why not me too? So the insecurity hasn't gone away. I'll talk it out with my Higher Power, then get a second opinion. I think that's how it works. Well, I got some of it unloaded. This is hard work, but so simple. I love the program.
ENLIGHTENING INFORMATION.........
I've been working on an assignment, which is to look up info on Karl Jung, & William James, who contrubuted so much to AA, & worked with alcoholics. The AA program, I believe gets the spiritual part, rather than the religious part from them. The info I got was so interesting, & inspirational for me. I respect & love AA so much more now. It makes more sense how & why I got here, & I feel so fortunate. They were spiritual people, & had an open mind to other avenues, tho included religion. I would recommend to anyone to pursue info about them. It's quite fascinating. I believe their contrubution is a huge part in how & why AA works. I want to thank my sponsor for giving me that assignment, it was enlightening. I will certainly pass it on to my sponsees.
OVERWHELMED.........
Today I'm feeling overwhelmed. The weather has been bad, I lost my power for a day, & I used that for an excuse to lay around, & not get things done. Now, everything needs to be done. I did my dishes this morning, am doing my laundry now, that's a start, but there's so much more, like taking my xmas decorations down. I can't even get into my spare bedroom, which is what I use for storage, including my xmas decorations. I have inspection for Hud at the end of the month, so I have to get this done. I really don't have anything to complain about, my life is good, I just painted myself into a corner by my own laziness. I must remember baby steps. First things first. Get caught up on my laundry today, do what I can of the other, just get started. What I can't do today, do tomorrow, & don't worry so much about it, but do it. There's so much I'd like to get done, I think of it as one big job, & let it overwhelm me. So what am I doing now? Writing about it. I'm taking a break. I'll go check on my laundry in a bit, here. Ever do that? I'm sure everyone does. I have a sponsor who doesn't. She's perfect. She's always in motion, & keeps things done. I compare myself to her, & of course I never measure up, after all, I'm imperfect. I have a few qualities she doesn't tho, & they're important ones. In certain areas I'd like to be like her, but in others, I'd rather be like me. So there! Ok, time to get back to work. I just have to keep at it, I'll get it done. Maybe I could use some help. What a concept! But, as so many other things, I try to do it alone. We'll see how it goes.
GRACE........
My sponsor had me write three different times I've experience grace. The more I wrote about it, the more times I could come up with times I've had grace, both in my sobriety & when I was drinking/drugging. It was a wonderful assignment, & made me that much more grateful, & aware of a Higher Power in my life. Not just a Higher Power, but love, & forgiveness, ever so gently. Despite my destructiveness to myself, & others. I'm not quite as destructive, I don't want to be, I guess it became a habit, with no awareness of it. First you have to be aware of something, before you can change it. Love is more powerful than any habit. I'm working on becoming more atuned to love, but it starts with me. I always looked outward for love, not inward. It was like, gimme gimme love. I must have been quite a pest. If you give love, it comes back to you, but their are many other reasons for giving love, for one, it feels good. My life has changed with my perspective. I don't always get it right, some days all I can do is not drink, other days more than make up for that. It's a journey, there are peaks & valleys, but they are not so high & low. Progress, not perfection. I love my journey.
