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HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

posted by sharonsjourney @ 3:22 PM 3 Comments

STUCK IN THE PAST.........

I am soooo over Xmas! I get this big hole in me at Xmas time, cause I want my dad, mom, & brother here to be with my sis & I. I want Xmas to be like it used to be. It hasn't been since they died, & it never will be, no matter how hard my sis & I try to make Xmas like it was. She has finally accepted it, before Xmas, I finally have after. That's the thing, is I have to accept, & adjust to that fact. The social worker at hospice, when my mom died, said when someone you love dearly, & who is very important to you dies, you have to shift your thinking. I don't remember him saying that, but my sis did, & just told me about it, cause she could see I was still trying to make Xmas like it was, & getting stuck there, so I had this big hole. I was either denying how I felt, or getting down on myself for how I was feeling. I didn't know what was going on with me, until my sis shared that with me. Seems like I have to hear from someone elsee much of the time, to validate my feelings. It's been painful, being in that place, where my dad, mom, & brother used to be, but no longer are. I wanted to talk to them so much, I kept wishing them here, & it seemed almost possible. This is where step 3 comes in, I think. Let go & let God. Also the Serenity Prayer. So I had a miserable Xmas of my own making. It didn't have to be. Acceptance is the answer, how true in this case. I'm working thru this. I have done better this year, I remembered to be grateful for what I have, which is alot. It sure helps the attitude, even if you do feel like shit. The new year will be better, as I keep growing & changing, with the help of those who love me, & the program. I am so grateful! I heard something in a movie I watched last nite, & that is, that you can keep a person alive thru memories, those I have, that I can do. Hope you all had a wonderful Xmas, & Happy New Year! It's going to be for me! Love you

posted by sharonsjourney @ 2:49 PM 3 Comments

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

posted by sharonsjourney @ 4:52 PM 3 Comments

I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND UNGRATEFUL......

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I am, for my friends, my sis, AA, my HP, so many things, that I'm alive & doing well. I'm not really depressed, but this time of year I don't like being single. I want someone special, a signifigant other to share with, & spend the holidays with. It's not that I don't appreciate my friends, & my sis, I do, very much. There just seems to be something missing, like having my own family, my siginifigant other, a different kind of closeness. The holidays are for families, yes, friends too. I can't be with my sis, tho I can talk to her on the phone. I miss the family get togethers, I miss having a man in my life. I know a man is not necessarilly going to bring me happiness, I've learned that the hard way. Still.....
Maybe it's the idea of it, you know, you get it in the movies, the songs, you see couples holding hands, you see families together. I will most likely spend Xmas Eve, & at least part of Xmas day at home alone, & it's hard. I'm not looking for sympathy, just writing about it. I'm going to spend tomorrow playing Santa & deliver friend's Xmas gifts, that will be fun, I will enjoy that, So, I'm trying to focus more on things like that, & my gratitude list, I've been given so much! I don't think I was meant to be single, but I try & make the best of it. I just hope I don't get too set in my ways to get into a relationship, if that should happen. I don't think about it so much, until this time of year, & Valentines Day, of course. I am not holding my breath, till I get in one, or anything like that. I just get very lonely, I miss intimate conversations, being held, laughing together, special moments. I know a man is not going to fill my void, that's codependency, & I already hit my bottom in that! I don't want to, nor do I intend to go there again. I put my life into my HP's hands, it'll be ok, I know that, & I trust that. You all have a very merry Xmas, I will be ok. I have alot of love to give, & I get it back, what more could I ask for? I miss being held by someone who thinks I'm special, who loves me. But wait a minute, I get that from my sis, & my friends. You know what I mean. Am I being selfish? Perhaps so. I guess I'm feeling vulnerable, & maybe a little needy & sensitive. I miss being in love.

posted by sharonsjourney @ 4:49 PM 6 Comments

XMAS TIME........

I've been quite depressed, Xmas time is hard for me, I miss my family. But I have also been busy with Xmas doings. I'm feeling ok today, even tho I slept in again. That's ok, no need to beat up on myself for it. It's not just Xmas, I don't like winter, I get more depressed during the winter. Not much to write about, just wanted to catch up on my blog, it's been a few days. I still have a little more shopping to do for people here. I wanted to get my sister's done first cause I have to mail them. Besides, she is priority. This is the first year I haven't put Xmas decorations out, or sent cards. I can't let this beat me, tho. I just keep plugging away. I do know very well I have so much to be grateful for, & I'm not forgetting that. I think perhaps I'm grieving a little over the ones in my family I've lost. We normally would be getting together, or at least calling each other. But, I still have my sister, & am so very grateful for that, for her. I hang on to that. I tend to isolate a little at these times, I'm aware of that, so I've not let up on my meetings this time, I did before. I also must keep in contact with my friends, who are in the program, they are such a big support. Some of them need my support too, I can do that. I've been cleaning my apt. & puttering around, I like doing that. But, of course I have to take a time out to check my emails, & blog. That's another thing that is a big support, & encouragement for me, is my blog friends, you are a big part of my recovery! Thank you. If I don't post again before Xmas, which I probably will, you all have a very Merry Xmas! Love to you all!

posted by sharonsjourney @ 2:58 PM 7 Comments

A NEW ADVENTURE......

I'm starting on a new adventure after the first of the year. I'm going to go to school, & see about training for some kind of job. I don't know what yet, but there's a place called Skill Source that has all kinds of programs, including Sr. programs for going back into the work force, I think I would qualify for a displaced worker. I can't physically do the kind of work I did before, & I am lacking in computer, or office skills. It's scary, but exciting, I'm ready. I was unable to work for a number of years due to disability. I went there a few years ago & got my GED. I was taking office skills, but had to quit to take care of my brother, who was dying from alcoholism, & the grief I went thru was totally disabling, I got into such a depression, I couldn't function. So, I'm ok, & more balanced now, & feel I can do this. It certainly is worh a try. The staff at Skill Source are good at what they do, & are very upbeat, positive people, & make learning fun. I'm looking forward to this, it's time for a change in my life, & this will be a good one. I can get thru any fear I have about it, & I have encouragemenet. Of course I will keep my recovery first, this is another stage in it, another level. Learning new stuff is always a good choice. I want to wait till after the holidays tho, it gets so hectic this time of year, or do I make it that way? I will keep you tuned in on this new adventure, wish me luck, I'm sure I could use it. I'm on my way to a meeting now. Take care

posted by sharonsjourney @ 5:14 PM 8 Comments

I'M HOME......

I'm home from my visit with my sister. I went there mainly to help her with dog sitting, & keeping things done up, fixing meals, & such. I cooked Thanksgiving dinner. She does Xmas shows at different places for her ornaments, & is away from home 3 days a week, just thru Nov. & the first week end in Dec. but she had help for that time. She got enough days off during the week, that we got to spend some time together. I went to two of the Xmas shows with her, & her partner stayed home. That was an experience. There were a thousand booths in two huge buildings next to each other. I did some of my Xmas shopping there. Anyway, I had a good visit, but it's nice to be home. I was gone for two weeks. Riley was sure glad I was home, he's been all over me, about licked my face off. I missed him. My sister has the cutest cocker spaniel, & is such a good, & happy dog, she was a delight to look after. I've stayed home all day today, unpacking, & puttering around here. One thing that was nice about being at my sister's is having someone to do things for, like cooking, & careing for, looking after, waiting on, which was a pleasure, she does it for me too. I live alone, so it was a wonderful change, made me feel good. It wasn't codependency either, just nice to have someone to look after, & having the company, someone (esp. someone you love) to look after. I miss that. Living alone is ok, but I really do miss that. We make the best of our time together, cuz we only see each other two, or three times a year. Oh! I have good news. First, I want to tell you, I didn't bring the subject up, but my sister told me she was considering going to OA! Isn't that wonderful? She has a couple of friends that go, one has for a long time. That makes me so happy! My prayers were answered! Maybe you put some my way, if so, thank you so much! That would be wonderful for us both to be in the program, & in recovery! It was nice to hear I've been missed while I was gone, so I was told by friends. That was another things I did today, was call them, & let them know I am home. I haven't cooked Thanksgiving dinner in years, so this was a pleasure. I don't cook meals for myself, it was nice to know I haven't forgotten. So now I need to get ready for Xmas. Doesn't seem like it should be so near. I just missed a big dump of snow, which it did the day before I got here, well, it had been snowing for days, I guess. The roads are ok now, I'm glad of that. Till next time.

posted by sharonsjourney @ 3:32 PM 3 Comments