GOD OF MY UNDERSTANDING..........
I just realized, when God isn't around is when my ego gets in the way, not all that other stuff. Some of it yes. Alot of that I wrote is just being human, it doesn't mean God isn't here. I don't know what God is like. If anything, I think I would say, gentle. Sometimes tho, I get hit over the head, if I'm not paying attention, or making the same mistakes over & over. I don't like it when that happens, but he has to get my attention somehow. This was a hard assinment. Before I read it to my sponsor, I told her it was subject to change at any time. It isn't cause God changes, it's my understanding that changes. I'm a work in progress. I am thankful for that! God I hope, is gentle, & bold, & loving, & forgiving. Of course that's based on my needs. I wouldn't mind humor too. I'll probably be writing on this some more.
'BOLD AS LOVE'...........
My description of a Higher Power, God, if you will, sounds like a lover hu? Well, in that case, I like bold, I want Him/Her to bowl me over, in a loving way, of course. You know the song by Jimi Hendrix? Bold as Love. Yes, love is bold!
WHAT ABOUT GOD?
I am working on my second step, & was given a questionaire to fill out. This is how I answered. I would appreciate any comments on this.
I can't explain my God, or put Him/Her into words, really, but when I leave things up to God, I know I'm going to be ok. I am safe & at home. 'I believe, God, help my unbelief'. God to me is all loving & all powerful. God has worked miracles in my drinking/drugging life, & in my sobriety. I know God knows. God loves me unconditionally. My awareness, trust, & faith gives me value as a person. When I accept, give, & receive, I am centered & safe at home. My relationship with God is a private sanctity. I only need to fully live, & truly love. My God is wise, courageous, humble, curious, funny, understanding, & tolerant. God gives me hope, humility, insight, an open mind, & a love for learning. This is my hope. I don't have to explain my Higher Power to anyone.
I doubt God's existance whereever there is suffering & tragedy. I also doubt His/Her love, power & presence in these sufferings & tragedies. I doubt God's love because sometimes it seems He/She loves some people & not others, or some more than . I have doubted God's love when my prayers don't get answered, or when there is suffering & tragedy.
My doubt manifests it's way in my thinking, acting & feeling. When I'm confused, judgemental, intoloerant, resentful, & jealous. When I'm insecure, depressed, in self pity, selfish, self centered, irresponsable, hurried, gluttoness, greedy, lazy, react, impulsive, without direction, childish, fearful, prideful, closed minded, & unteachable. When I lack humility.
I need God to believe in me, to love me unconditionally, I need God to have a sense of humor, I need His/Her guidance, & helping hand, I need God's gentle persuasion, & direction.
Where is God? I used to believe He/She was everywhere, inside, outside. I'm not so sure anymore What about the wars? All the suffering & tragedy, where is God? Maybe God is everywhere, & each of us has to open our hearts & minds. Maybe we need to be teachable. Maybe we need to be humble enough.
I can honestly say I don't know. I don't know what I don't know. I read where God said "I AM" That's too simple for complexing minds.
TWO YRS. OLD TODAY...........
I'm an alcoholic/addict, primarily an alcoholic. My last relapse was on pills, I respect alcohol enough to not drink for 15 yrs. That's why I relapsed on pills. I know somehow if I drink again I won't recover, not the next time. So I thot pills were safe. Wrong! Anyway, today is my 2 yr. birthday off pills. I got a wonderful birthday card from some of the women in the program. Tonite at a meeting my friend Michael surprised me with a coin, & a stuffed animal, a flower, & a balloon, & said some very nice things about me. I was embarrassed at first. I really don't like that much attention, but it was sweet, & I know he is sincere in doing so. I am so blessed with good friends in the program, & my loving sister. Thank you God for another day!.
NESTING............
I've been getting into my apt., redecorating, organizing. I've bought a few cool things, & have enjoyed doing this. I was telling my sister about it. She said 'You are really into it, you're nesting'. She's right. I never thot of it that way, but I am. I think I am beginning to feel safe enough to nest, & it feels great, & secure, & safe. I don't believe I have ever felt safe, or settled down. I' m beginning to get a little more centered. I didn't realize this till my sister said that. Come to think of it, I've never completely unpacked. So, yes I'm nesting, & it feels right.
A RICH SOUL........
There are some holidays that are hard for me. Thanksgiving is one, that whole month is hard cause my mom & dad's birthdays, & anniversary are in that month. My mom also died that month 2 yrs. ago. But, I miss the family get togethers too. Xmas is another one, I miss my family. Valentines is another one, cause I don't have a sweetheart. For the most part, I like being single just fine, but on Valentines I miss being a couple. I miss my ex's. One in particular. Being with him was a roller coaster ride. When it was bad, it was really bad, but when it was good, it was really good. I guess I get ephoric recall, same as I do my drinking & drugging, we know what that gets us, don't we? I have to remember that with ex lovers too. Can't go back. I think Bob Seiger has a song about all his ex lovers, & how the memories make him a rich soul, that is so true with me as well, so very true. They all make me rich. Wonderful memories. That goes for family too.
MY FRIEND, RANDY.........
I just got back from a friend's house who is dying from alcoholism, a group of us go to his house every thursday evening for a gathering. We go to give him support, & love, & because we want to. They are nice gatherings, sometimes just a few people, sometimes alot. He prefers gatherings over meetings. We can visit with him & others. It's nice, really nice. He really appreciates it, I am honored that I am one of the people he's asked out to his place.
This is a man who drank & drugged, but mostly drank for 42 yrs. He came into AA, I think 2 yrs. ago, & is still sober, he wants to be sober when he dies. The doctors have told him there is nothing more they can do for him, to start getting his affairs in order. He is doing that. It hit him today that he really is dying, & was rather emotional. Last week, he could get out of his chair by himself, this week, he needed help.
I love this man. He shoots from the hip. You can believe what he says. He has a wonderful sense of humor....still. He doesn't pull any punches, but he is very kind. He has a big heart. If he likes you he lets you know, if he doesn't like you he lets you
know.
.
I love that in a person, you don't have to do any guess work, there' no mixed messages, or crazy making. You don't have to pick up the slack. He is going to be missed by many people, whom he regards as family, his new AA friends. When he talks about what he was like when he drank, I can hardly believe it. He is such a sweetheart now. A little rough around the edges, but a sweetheart just the same. I don't wish to think about him being gone, I can't handle that right now. I tell him, & I will do also, to take one day at a time, live just for today. He truly is doing that.
