GOOD WISHES.........
Good wishes go out to you all for the New Year, & all year. I am so grateful for my recovery, AA, the program, & my sister, & my friends. I believe I'm becoming a better person because of all these. Always learning, I hope to always be teachable, open minded, & honest, & to learn some humility. That my inner journey is an insightful one, with new joys in store. I wish everyone could have this, what a better world it would be. It's happening tho, worldwide. We'll get there, in time. Today is a good day, one day at a time, may the days pile up.
WORLD PERSPECTIVE SERIES..........
I want to turn you on to World Perspectives Series, edited by Dr. Ruth Nanden Ashden. The series is dedicated to the concept of man born out of a universe perceived thru a fresh vision of realilty. It's aim is to present short books written by the most conscious & responsible minds of today. Each volume represents the thot & belief of each author & sets forth the interrelation of the changing religios, scientific, artistic, political, economic, & social influences upon man's total experience.
I read only one book, & I am hooked. The book is titled The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm. It is packed full of the kind of information I've been looking for, for years. It answered so many of my questiions concerning these very topics. I can't wait to read the others. This is my new involvement, along with AA. Which, by the way, this author writes about the same principles as the program, there is no contradiction, except a little different view of a higher power, which is ok. I am so fired up about this. The timing was perfect. I'm at the end of my first step. This book helps me with my second & third step. I believe I can finally believe, & surrender to a God of my understanding. At least my mind is opened more, I have a better understanding of a personal relationship with God. This book gives me new hope & more faith. It gives me a new direction.
Don't miss this!
KEEP LEARNING..........
I have no business being in a relationship. I'm too mixed up, I don't know myself, or you well enough. I play yoyo too much. I want in, I want out, I want in........so the best thing I can do for you & I is to stay out, or maybe the best thing to do is to stay in. See? But you know what? If I get out, I'm letting what's his face win, & I can't do that, I can't let him win. This is not a contest, nobody is winning, nobody is losing.
I need to focus on my recovery, I am not relationship material right now, & neither are you, in my opinion. I need to have a better understanding of myself, my personal relationship with God, & mankind. The highest form of love is love of God, & brotherly love. I'm developing that love. I'm not ready for the exclusive, romatic love, that's too complicated right now, & I have to admit, I have expectations. They're pretty simple, really. I have a pretty good idea of what I want in a relationship, & I just haven't found that in anyone I've been with. There has always been something missing, I haven't been able to be true to myself, I've copromised, & settled, which doesn't feel good. I've overlooked, denied myself, made concessions for, & the list goes on. Bottom line, I'm better off single, then nobody gets hurt. I'm tired of hurting, & hurting others, so I will work on my stuff, & let you work on yours. I hope there are no hard feelings, aside from the disappointment in myself & you.
When I say you, I don't mean one person in particular. This writing is not aimed at anybody, it's about my past relationships. I'm not willing to compromise anymore, I'm not willing to settle. I'd rather be alone than do that.
When I'm happy with my own life, when I've made some strides, some accomplishments, I will feel more in tune with you, whoever you are. I want to strengthen my love of God, & my brothers & sisters, perhaps then I will know how to love
exclusively. I want to learn how to give of myself more, without expectations, just out of the joy of giving. I have exerienced that a number of times, quite often, actually. Without looking for, I have recieved rewards from that kind of giving. I have wonderful friends who love me, & whom I love. What more can I ask for? But I have also been on the other side, of selfish giving, I don't want to do that anymore, there are no rewards in that, that is not giving.
I want to learn the art of loving. That comes with maturity, & I'm still growing up. So many of us are. But the beauty of it is, we're growing up together, we're learning together. I believe that's what we all want, is to understand ourselves & each other, & learn the art of loving. That comes from a book I just read. Boy, I learned so much from that book, plus my own experiences, & yours. I highly recommend that book. The author is Erich Fromm. It answered so many of my questions, & I came to realize that I, we are on a path of learning how to love, & I have an understanding of God, I never had before. It is getting me ready for the 2nd, & 3rd step, that I'm coming upon once again, with a deeper understanding, & committment this time around. I still have fear, & that's another thing I have to work on is, letting go of my fears, & insecurities, only then will I really & truly love. I think expectations has alot to do with having fears, you know, of not having my expectations met. I need to learn my wants & needs, why I have them & where do they come from. Keep it simple, it is simple, but it's hard. Am I complicating things too much? I think this is a good time to come to an end on this writing. I think I'll call a friend. Hope you all had a merry xmas. That's a whole other thing to write about, my xmas.
STILL.......
I'm still a hippy at heart. I still believe in love.
I BELIEVE.........
I was talking to a fellow alcoholic, who is in her 70's, after a meeting tonite. She said she believes more & more that there is a direction, & order by a higher power, & a reason for everything. Tho she is not christain. It was comforting to hear. I'm believing more & more too. I just have that sense of peace in knowing.
I'm working on my first step again, & am having to write about, & go thru the feelings of my attempted suicide. How was I feeling at the time, what brought them on. In writing about this, I have been restless to say the least. I don't want to go there! I haven't thot about it. I just did it, I survived it, & moved on. I didn't question it. Now I have to go back thru it. I guess after I did it, I condoned it, didn't give it another thot. But you know what? Something major was going on. I wasn't fooling around. I drank a fifth of whiskey & took 17 vicodins (that was all I had) & I said 'God, it doesn't matter whether I wake up or not, it's up to you' I must say, i was surprised when I woke up, I don't know if it was the next day, or two days later. So I accepted that I was supposed to live & started going back to AA, I had been out awhile. Well, I believed it till my next relapse. I didn't try to kill myself all in one nite, but more slowly that time. I am happy to say I now have 20 mos., & I want to live. Guess it wasn't my time. Yes, I'm a believer in a higher power. I believe there is a purpose for me, & my mission is to find out what that purpose is. But I've always, even in childhood been on that mission. What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? Maybe there's not supposed to be so much drama, just maybe it is all simple. Don't hurt myself or anyone else, help one another. Learn, & keep learning. I feel driven, so driven I get paralyzed. I get overwhellmed. AA teaches me to take one step at a time, easy does it. I love the clichues now, I used to hate them in the beginning. I thot they were stupid. They've saved my ass so many times.
