FELLOW TRAVELER

I BELIEVE.........

I was talking to a fellow alcoholic, who is in her 70's, after a meeting tonite. She said she believes more & more that there is a direction, & order by a higher power, & a reason for everything. Tho she is not christain. It was comforting to hear. I'm believing more & more too. I just have that sense of peace in knowing.

I'm working on my first step again, & am having to write about, & go thru the feelings of my attempted suicide. How was I feeling at the time, what brought them on. In writing about this, I have been restless to say the least. I don't want to go there! I haven't thot about it. I just did it, I survived it, & moved on. I didn't question it. Now I have to go back thru it. I guess after I did it, I condoned it, didn't give it another thot. But you know what? Something major was going on. I wasn't fooling around. I drank a fifth of whiskey & took 17 vicodins (that was all I had) & I said 'God, it doesn't matter whether I wake up or not, it's up to you' I must say, i was surprised when I woke up, I don't know if it was the next day, or two days later. So I accepted that I was supposed to live & started going back to AA, I had been out awhile. Well, I believed it till my next relapse. I didn't try to kill myself all in one nite, but more slowly that time. I am happy to say I now have 20 mos., & I want to live. Guess it wasn't my time. Yes, I'm a believer in a higher power. I believe there is a purpose for me, & my mission is to find out what that purpose is. But I've always, even in childhood been on that mission. What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? Maybe there's not supposed to be so much drama, just maybe it is all simple. Don't hurt myself or anyone else, help one another. Learn, & keep learning. I feel driven, so driven I get paralyzed. I get overwhellmed. AA teaches me to take one step at a time, easy does it. I love the clichues now, I used to hate them in the beginning. I thot they were stupid. They've saved my ass so many times.

posted by sharonsjourney @ 8:46 PM