FELLOW TRAVELER

KEEP LEARNING..........

I have no business being in a relationship. I'm too mixed up, I don't know myself, or you well enough. I play yoyo too much. I want in, I want out, I want in........so the best thing I can do for you & I is to stay out, or maybe the best thing to do is to stay in. See? But you know what? If I get out, I'm letting what's his face win, & I can't do that, I can't let him win. This is not a contest, nobody is winning, nobody is losing.

I need to focus on my recovery, I am not relationship material right now, & neither are you, in my opinion. I need to have a better understanding of myself, my personal relationship with God, & mankind. The highest form of love is love of God, & brotherly love. I'm developing that love. I'm not ready for the exclusive, romatic love, that's too complicated right now, & I have to admit, I have expectations. They're pretty simple, really. I have a pretty good idea of what I want in a relationship, & I just haven't found that in anyone I've been with. There has always been something missing, I haven't been able to be true to myself, I've copromised, & settled, which doesn't feel good. I've overlooked, denied myself, made concessions for, & the list goes on. Bottom line, I'm better off single, then nobody gets hurt. I'm tired of hurting, & hurting others, so I will work on my stuff, & let you work on yours. I hope there are no hard feelings, aside from the disappointment in myself & you.

When I say you, I don't mean one person in particular. This writing is not aimed at anybody, it's about my past relationships. I'm not willing to compromise anymore, I'm not willing to settle. I'd rather be alone than do that.

When I'm happy with my own life, when I've made some strides, some accomplishments, I will feel more in tune with you, whoever you are. I want to strengthen my love of God, & my brothers & sisters, perhaps then I will know how to love
exclusively. I want to learn how to give of myself more, without expectations, just out of the joy of giving. I have exerienced that a number of times, quite often, actually. Without looking for, I have recieved rewards from that kind of giving. I have wonderful friends who love me, & whom I love. What more can I ask for? But I have also been on the other side, of selfish giving, I don't want to do that anymore, there are no rewards in that, that is not giving.

I want to learn the art of loving. That comes with maturity, & I'm still growing up. So many of us are. But the beauty of it is, we're growing up together, we're learning together. I believe that's what we all want, is to understand ourselves & each other, & learn the art of loving. That comes from a book I just read. Boy, I learned so much from that book, plus my own experiences, & yours. I highly recommend that book. The author is Erich Fromm. It answered so many of my questions, & I came to realize that I, we are on a path of learning how to love, & I have an understanding of God, I never had before. It is getting me ready for the 2nd, & 3rd step, that I'm coming upon once again, with a deeper understanding, & committment this time around. I still have fear, & that's another thing I have to work on is, letting go of my fears, & insecurities, only then will I really & truly love. I think expectations has alot to do with having fears, you know, of not having my expectations met. I need to learn my wants & needs, why I have them & where do they come from. Keep it simple, it is simple, but it's hard. Am I complicating things too much? I think this is a good time to come to an end on this writing. I think I'll call a friend. Hope you all had a merry xmas. That's a whole other thing to write about, my xmas.

posted by sharonsjourney @ 8:31 PM