BURNT OUT......
I read another blog who said he was burnt out on blogging & the internet. I think I am too, so I won't be posting very often, I don't think.
Went to my second step study. I was a little disappointed. We didn't stay on track, In order for me to get anything out of this, we have to stay focused on the step we're on, I want to dissect it. At the second meeting 4 women didn't show up, that's not going to work either. Everyone needs to be committed to this, & the group. I don't want to have to go back a step to catch someone up. If these things don't happen, I'll be wasting my time. That's the way it is for me. I will go a few times to feel it out, see what happens. There are others starting soon.
That's about all I have to post about. Hope you all are doing well. I'll visit you from time to time. Keep on Keepin' On.
LOVE.....
Martin Luther King said.....Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.
I'd like to believe that.
AFTER ALL THIS TIME.......
I got a comment from, & discovered Contraposso's (sp.?) post about me just now. Maybe I shouldn't respond, but I'm going to. I posted about this person & her boyfriend about a year ago, I didn't give any names. I wrote about some things that were really bugging me. Well, I realise now, I shouldn't have put it on my blog, even if it was the truth. What they do is none of my business, & I shouldn't have picked up what is not mine. I own that, & I regret it. Evidently she's getting info that I'm still talking about her & her boyfriend. I haven't even thot about them, let alone say anything. I have learned thru the program we create our own hell. Untill we're ready to be accountable for our actions, we blame others for our misfortune. I don't really need to defend myself, I've done nothing to hurt her, since that post.
As for the humility post. I wanted to share something I thot was cool. I didn't say I was there, I don't pretend to be. It is something I aim for. Hopefully if I stay sober, stay in AA, & keep working the steps, I will get there. I hope she does too, & we can put all this behind us.
I'll probably be sorry I responded to this, or maybe I reacted, & that's old behavior. Well, progress, not perfection. Boy! Her comment, & her blog came out of nowhere. That whole thing has been out of my mind for a long time. So, I guess my actions come back to haunt me, wreckage of my past. Damn! Change doesn't come easy, but I have changed, doesn't mean I don't pick the shit back up sometimes, tho. I'll have to talk about this to my sponsor. I'm sorry she feels the way she does, after all this time. I have been cruel, I can still be cruel, but I really don't like going there! It hurts others, & it hurts me, as well! Terribly!
HUMILITY......
'A humble person is more likely to be self-confidenet....a person who has real humility knows how much they are loved.'
I thot that was worth sharing. Knows they are loved, I like that.
TAKING CARE OF MYSELF......
Well, I finally did it. I made some dr. appts. I've put it off way too long. When I'm depressed, or when my ptsd symtoms arrise, I don't take very good care of myself, I neglect dr. appt. & such. That's old behavior, & bad behavior, but I try not to should all over myself, either. Pam was talking about being grateful. That does help, to think of what I am grateful for, & there is alot!
I made one appt. for depression, & anxiety, ptsd. I'm kind of afraid to get on a different anti-depressent, cuz it takes awhile to start working, & the dr. always starts me out at the lowest dosage, which doesn't work. I hate to go thru that again. But if I can get on something that will help me, it's worth it. I'm tired of feeling this way. I need to get into the steps more, too. Apply them to my life. I have to admit, I've been slacking. Maybe that's the crux of the problem, we'll see, cuz I'm stepping it up. I love it when I hit another platue in the steps! I made an appt. for an eye exam too, which is overdue.
I slept in till noon today, & it's not been a real good day, but I can change that anytime. And I'm going to. Am looking forward to a meeting tonite. I will take my shower, that always makes me feel better, make my bed. Besides gratitude, doing something, anything constructive helps too.
You all have a great week end! Love you!
ASAP.......
I got emailed a different meaning, or perception of ASAP= ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER works for me.
My ptsd has raised it's ugly head. I've been having little fears crop up, feeling anxious, feeling a sense of doom, like something bad is going to happen any time now. It's not as intense as it used to be, but it's still there. It feels very uncomfortable. I don't like it at all, & it's constant, it seldom goes away. So, I need to apply ASÅP more often, I know that will help. Life is good, I just keep waiting for the shoe to fall off the other foot. Does anyone else have ptsd symtoms? I'd like to hear about it, but more important, I'd like to hear what you're doing about it.
I'M FEELING BETTER......
I've been meaning to mention this, & kept forgetting. We lost a blogger. She goes by Wine-o. Haven't seen a new post for months. I really liked her posts, & comments, & was starting to feel connected with her, I miss her. Maybe we could all say a prayer for her, that she is ok, & still sober. She was growing, & doing so well, then she dropped off the face of the blog world.
I went to my first step study meeting last nite. I am so excited about it. We're doing an in depth step study, using the BB, & the 12&12, & each other. There are about 10 of us, a great group of women who's sobriety is anywhere from 2 mos. to 27 yrs. This will get my butt in gear, it's just what I needed!
I'm going to a quarterly next week end. That will be fun, & a learning experience. I love quarterlies, assemblies, conferences, in other words, AA functions.
I must have had a change in attitude, I'm feeling pretty good, & have for a few days now. I read something on Shadow's post for today, & it was helpful, & simple. Her thot for the day was: If you're feeling good, be grateful, if you're feeling bad, be graceful.
Now I know what to do when I'm feeling bad, I don't have to wallow in those bad feelings.
In that step study group, we don't read the step in the group, we do it at home, & write about it, then discuss it in group.
It feels so good to feel good. I was having these fears come up, & anxiety, & getting lazy about working the program, & taking care of myself. I went to some meetings, & heard what I needed to hear. I'm so thankful for meetings, for the program, & the fellowship, & my blogger friends, & my HP, of course.
You all have a great monday.
BACK ON TRACK........
I feel better today. I stayed up late last nite, therefor, slept in very late again. Rather than let that get me down, & beat up on myself, I got some housework done, then took a shower. I feel so much better, being productive. Another thing I've really let get to me, is the treatment people, & addicts coming in to AA meetings, & sharing about drug addiction, even at closed meetings. I'm letting go of that, I have to for my serenity. A friend said to guide them to the Alano Club meetings. They have recovery meetings there, where you can share about alcoholism, & drug addictions, so I'm going to start announcing that. The Club gets alot of newcomers, & the way he put it, is that those meetings are good for newcomers who are one step from hell, they need these type of meetings. The alcoholic needs AA meetings, too. So, I found a solution, I hope. I am very passionate about this, I feel I have to be one of the ones to protect alcoholics anonymous, to make sure it's here for present, & future alcoholics. Perhaps I've gotten compulsive about it. If that's the case, I'm not helping, or carrying the message. Please don't get me wrong. I care about, & have compassion for the addict, they are not hearing the message they need to hear in an AA meeting. I will try not to mention this again. People are probably tired of hearing about it. The face of AA is changing, & that's a shame. I wouldn't talk about it so much, if it didn't keep happening, we are being bombarded. I know there are alot of dually addicted people, I am one, myself. Alcohol tho, is my primary problem. Alcohol did something for me drugs didn't do, it made me feel like I was ok, I'd come home. Alcohol doesn't lead me to drugs, it leads me to more alcohol. There's a difference there, I think. I'm just speaking for myself tho. So, I'm more an alcoholic, than an addict. I got off drugs with a dr's, help, & stayed off. Alcohol wasn't that way. I couldn't quit drinking, till I came into AA, & even then, it took some relapses, & time in the program. I had to do everything that was suggested, I had to find a HP too. I know it sounds like I'm putting the addict down, I'm not, I want them to get the help they need, & that would be in NA, & recovery meetings. Shoot me if you want. There are some people here, who would like to, I've been a thorn in their side. They don't want to hear the truth, they don't want to hear about the traditions, or the singleness of purpose. Too bad.
My sponsor is starting a step study meeting for women, sun. nite will be the first nite of it. I am looking forward to this. There's a good group of women going. We met last wed, to get it started. It will help me to get more in depth with the steps, & I'll get good feedback, & different takes on the steps. I like that. We're commited for about a year. I'm not very good at makiing commitments, so that's another good thing about it.
Well, we're back on the first step this month, & it's good to be reminded of my powerlessness, & unmanagability. That is something that comes up in different areas of my life. Yes, I have quit drinking, that is 100%. But I must work on my behavior, my thinking, old belief systems, self destructiveness, selfishness, pride, all of that, I could go on, the list is long. I have come along ways, but I have still a ways to go, always will, I never quit learning, growing, changing. Well, I do when I get stagnant, lazy, bored, complacent, or when I lose my humility, or think I know all, & become unteachable. Which, I go there from time to time, & when I get miserable enough, I get back into action. I've been there the last couple of months. Funny, how long it took for me to recognize it.
I'm on my way to a meeting, that will pick me up. Hope you all are doing well. Thank you for your loving support, & thanks for not shooting me lol.
WINTER BLUES.......
I don't know what is going on with me. I haven't had a good nite's sleep for a couple months now. So, I sleep in late, & I don't like that, I get up, & feel like the day is half over. It almost is, it gets dark so early. I'm going to see my dr. about either putting me on a different anti depressent, or giving me something extra thru the winter months. I get more depressed during the winter. I haven't been taking any sleep aids, I wanted to get off of them, but I'm going to have to get back on my trazadone, if it helps me sleep, then I'll take it. Other than getting no sleep, & it being winter, things are fine. I try to remember to be grateful, cuz I really am, I'm am truly blessed. For one, I'm sober, I'm alive, I have a lovely sister who loves me, I have good friends who love me, & I love them. My life is good, there really is nothing to complain about. It's up to me to make the best of it. I'm lazy tho, & have to work at things, that's what the program is for, to help me live on life's terms, to help me have a qaulity life. It's progress, not perfection. I am learning this stuff, a little at a time, baby steps. Learning to want what I have, to appreciate that, & where I'm at, I have come far. I owe that to my HP, the program of AA, the fellowship, my family, friends, & my willingness.
It has been snowing for weeks. I can handle that, am used to it by now. What I have a hard time with is the gloomy days. Well, I just need to know spring will be here before too long. In the meantime, I need to accept that it is winter, & adjust to that fact. Wish I did winter sports, but I have no desire to be out in the cold. So, there's other things I can do. I can putz around my apart., visit friends, write, go to meetings, visit the club. Have any suggestions? I need to get some hobbies. I used to, don't know why I'm not into them now. I also sponsor, & I love it! I care about my sponsee, she teaches me too, & helps me to remember where I came from. She also helps me get into the solution, & stay steps, that's what I want for her. It's very rewarding to see them grow, & be a part of that.
Well, I feel better since posting. I haven't journaled for a long time, I blog instead, but I think I will start journaling again. I don't know why I quit. I've journaled forever, even in my drinking/drugging career, & I know it helped keep me from going completely insane, & over the edge. I continued in early sobriety, & somewhere along the line I quit. I think it was when I was in the depths of my depression, I quit doing everything. I don't know where I'd be, probably dead, if not for my family, & friends, who made me get out of my apt., made me go to meetings, called me, came over, helped me clean my apt. made me eat. This depression I'm in now is not even close to as dibilitating as that one time, that was due to deaths in my family, & a failed relationship, which was abusive. But I still fearing going there, it happens gradually, & before you know it, you're in hell.
I have to get ready for a meeting. I look forward to them. I look forward to fellowshipping as well. I especially like the AA meetings, as apposed to recovery meetings, there is more unity in the AA meetings, & therefore more spiritual. I need to do a 4th step on the recovery meetings. They regressed from AA to recovery meetings, because of the addicts coming in, & disregarding the singleness of purpose, which is breaking, I believe 3 traditions. But I must cease fighting, & I'm tired of getting attacked for bringing this matter up. It amazes me that there are people that have frome 14, to 23 yrs. that don't know about AA history, or the traditions, & have a hand in making recovery meetings out of AA meetings. The newcomers aren't getting educated. I believe it is up to the AA members who have been around awhile, to educate the newcomer. If they don't, AA turns into recovery meetings, & you don't have the unity. Ok, I've said my piece, I'm very passionate about this, but seems like I'm alone on this matter. But you see, I owe my life to AA, & the program, & I owe my life changing to them too, so I am ever grateful, & will support the principles of the program, which is the steps, & the traditions.
You all have a good one, & thanks for your support. really.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
I am hurt, disappointed, & angry, at people in the program. They've attacked me for bringing up the Singleness of Purpose in meetings. Some even lied about the traditions, tried to make AA their way. Some of these have 14 yrs. & more of sobriety. Can you believe it? For one, it astounds me that someone with that much time doesn't know anything about the traditions, or AA history. I don't understand why they are so against the Singleness of Purpose, or the traditions, the traditions are why AA works, they hold AA together. And yet I've heard one of these people talk about how they love AA, that it saved their life, yet attack me for bringing up the Singleness of Purpose up, & they lie, & even say AA needs to change to include the addict. I don't understand. To them, it's personalities over principles. They forget, I guess, that the principles, the program is our anchor. Yes, the fellowship is part of it, but it's all of us working a program that put us on the same path, the similarities. Where we are at. It is in sharing our experience, strength, & hope. I'm just surprised, & disappointed they are not more grateful to AA. It's the same as turning their backs on AA. So, for me, it's principles before personalities. It's been hard getting to that place, being the people pleaser I was, & besides, I like people, I need people, but I'm not dependant on them liking me anymore. I am dependant on the steps, AA is dependant on the traditions to hold together, & be here for the future. We must protect that, & stand up for them.
What's happening is alot of newcomers come to AA from treatment centers who teach a drug is a drug is a drug, & they don't allow you to say you're an alcoholic, or teach about alcoholism, they teach drug addiction. Maybe not all of them, but enough do. AA was around way before treatment centers. AA is spiritually inspired, treatment centers are money inspired. We get alot of newcomers in AA who are talking about their addictions, most of them are addicts. AA can't help the addict. They are addicts in an alcoholics anonymous meeting, they are still different, & that's one of the things we as alcoholics, & addicts that we have to get over, the feeling that we are different. They are our cousins, who are dear to our hearts. That's what AA says.
2 YEARS OF SOBRIETY.......
Well, things are getting back to normal for me, & I'm coming out of my funk. Sometimes tho, I get this anxiety, out of the blue, for no reason. I feel a sense of doom with it, I don't like this at all. Some say it's my ptsd, some say it's anxiety, & some say it's my alcoholism, & it's normal for the first 4 or 5 years of sobriety. You mean I have to go thru this another 2 years? I hope not. I've been riding it thru, & telling myself it's not real, everything is ok, & talking to god. It does pass eventually, but it comes back. Maybe it is just part of early sobriety. I don't want to go thru the first 2 yrs. ever again. I'll have 3 yrs. next month. It's not that I'm this way all the time, or that I don't have joy, I do, & I enjoy my joy, a little pun there.
I do seem to be more centered these days, now that there's some routine in my life. Am starting on my 8th step, that's a hard one, it's painful. I pray to remain willing. I'm ready for that twist in the mind, the 8th step talks about in the 12&12. Those little twists in our thinking, what a miracle those are. Most of the time I don't realise it till after the fact, they're little spiritual experiences. Another thing that has helped me thru this anxiety stuff is that I remain grateful, I feel it inside, & it gets me thru the anxiety. I truly am grateful for the gift of sobriety, I am blessed with so much good stuff in my life, I don't ever want to take it for granted. I heard, then I learned to want what I have at any given moment. You all have a great week end!
CHANGE.......
I've been in this funk, & what acurred to me today was that I need change. I just did my 7th step with my sponsor. I think I have been stuck between 6 & 7, you know, taking the action, giving myself to my creator, not just thinking about it. So now I'm on step 8, & that's a hard one for me, but I have to keep the willingness thruout all these steps. That's what my sponsor said, & she is very wise, she's never led me astray. I've been wondering why I haven't been able to get out of this funk, until today. I needed to work my 7th step. I'd been stuck on 6. So I go into action & continue with my 8th. I've let up on my praying too. I need to get out of myself.
My sponsor is starting a step study with a few women, so I'm going to that, I believe it is starting next week, I'm looking forward to it. She is also having some women over to do a creative outlet thing, tap into our creative side. I need that too. I have neglected the creative part of myself for a long time. I know I have it in me, & I've blocked it out. One of my character defects, that I turned over to god, is that I self sabbotage, am self destructive, I hope god took those. That would bring about some change, some good ones. It's a simple program, but it's hard work, & I'm lazy. The answers are in the steps, keep working the steps to the best of my ability.
Hope you all had a good start on the new year. I enjoyed my day. It was uneventful, I stayed home most of the day, & putzed around, did some reading, watched a little tv, it was nice. I don't need alot these days, & didn't have any expectations, well, I did a little, but it was ok they weren't met, no big deal.
