Tuesday, January 29, 2008


I read another blog who said he was burnt out on blogging & the internet. I think I am too, so I won't be posting very often, I don't think.

Went to my second step study. I was a little disappointed. We didn't stay on track, In order for me to get anything out of this, we have to stay focused on the step we're on, I want to dissect it. At the second meeting 4 women didn't show up, that's not going to work either. Everyone needs to be committed to this, & the group. I don't want to have to go back a step to catch someone up. If these things don't happen, I'll be wasting my time. That's the way it is for me. I will go a few times to feel it out, see what happens. There are others starting soon.

That's about all I have to post about. Hope you all are doing well. I'll visit you from time to time. Keep on Keepin' On.

Monday, January 21, 2008


Martin Luther King said.....Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.

I'd like to believe that.

Sunday, January 20, 2008


I got a comment from, & discovered Contraposso's (sp.?) post about me just now. Maybe I shouldn't respond, but I'm going to. I posted about this person & her boyfriend about a year ago, I didn't give any names. I wrote about some things that were really bugging me. Well, I realise now, I shouldn't have put it on my blog, even if it was the truth. What they do is none of my business, & I shouldn't have picked up what is not mine. I own that, & I regret it. Evidently she's getting info that I'm still talking about her & her boyfriend. I haven't even thot about them, let alone say anything. I have learned thru the program we create our own hell. Untill we're ready to be accountable for our actions, we blame others for our misfortune. I don't really need to defend myself, I've done nothing to hurt her, since that post.

As for the humility post. I wanted to share something I thot was cool. I didn't say I was there, I don't pretend to be. It is something I aim for. Hopefully if I stay sober, stay in AA, & keep working the steps, I will get there. I hope she does too, & we can put all this behind us.

I'll probably be sorry I responded to this, or maybe I reacted, & that's old behavior. Well, progress, not perfection. Boy! Her comment, & her blog came out of nowhere. That whole thing has been out of my mind for a long time. So, I guess my actions come back to haunt me, wreckage of my past. Damn! Change doesn't come easy, but I have changed, doesn't mean I don't pick the shit back up sometimes, tho. I'll have to talk about this to my sponsor. I'm sorry she feels the way she does, after all this time. I have been cruel, I can still be cruel, but I really don't like going there! It hurts others, & it hurts me, as well! Terribly!


'A humble person is more likely to be self-confidenet....a person who has real humility knows how much they are loved.'

I thot that was worth sharing. Knows they are loved, I like that.

Saturday, January 19, 2008


Well, I finally did it. I made some dr. appts. I've put it off way too long. When I'm depressed, or when my ptsd symtoms arrise, I don't take very good care of myself, I neglect dr. appt. & such. That's old behavior, & bad behavior, but I try not to should all over myself, either. Pam was talking about being grateful. That does help, to think of what I am grateful for, & there is alot!

I made one appt. for depression, & anxiety, ptsd. I'm kind of afraid to get on a different anti-depressent, cuz it takes awhile to start working, & the dr. always starts me out at the lowest dosage, which doesn't work. I hate to go thru that again. But if I can get on something that will help me, it's worth it. I'm tired of feeling this way. I need to get into the steps more, too. Apply them to my life. I have to admit, I've been slacking. Maybe that's the crux of the problem, we'll see, cuz I'm stepping it up. I love it when I hit another platue in the steps! I made an appt. for an eye exam too, which is overdue.

I slept in till noon today, & it's not been a real good day, but I can change that anytime. And I'm going to. Am looking forward to a meeting tonite. I will take my shower, that always makes me feel better, make my bed. Besides gratitude, doing something, anything constructive helps too.

You all have a great week end! Love you!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


I got emailed a different meaning, or perception of ASAP= ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER works for me.

My ptsd has raised it's ugly head. I've been having little fears crop up, feeling anxious, feeling a sense of doom, like something bad is going to happen any time now. It's not as intense as it used to be, but it's still there. It feels very uncomfortable. I don't like it at all, & it's constant, it seldom goes away. So, I need to apply ASÅP more often, I know that will help. Life is good, I just keep waiting for the shoe to fall off the other foot. Does anyone else have ptsd symtoms? I'd like to hear about it, but more important, I'd like to hear what you're doing about it.

Monday, January 14, 2008


I've been meaning to mention this, & kept forgetting. We lost a blogger. She goes by Wine-o. Haven't seen a new post for months. I really liked her posts, & comments, & was starting to feel connected with her, I miss her. Maybe we could all say a prayer for her, that she is ok, & still sober. She was growing, & doing so well, then she dropped off the face of the blog world.

I went to my first step study meeting last nite. I am so excited about it. We're doing an in depth step study, using the BB, & the 12&12, & each other. There are about 10 of us, a great group of women who's sobriety is anywhere from 2 mos. to 27 yrs. This will get my butt in gear, it's just what I needed!

I'm going to a quarterly next week end. That will be fun, & a learning experience. I love quarterlies, assemblies, conferences, in other words, AA functions.

I must have had a change in attitude, I'm feeling pretty good, & have for a few days now. I read something on Shadow's post for today, & it was helpful, & simple. Her thot for the day was: If you're feeling good, be grateful, if you're feeling bad, be graceful.
Now I know what to do when I'm feeling bad, I don't have to wallow in those bad feelings.

In that step study group, we don't read the step in the group, we do it at home, & write about it, then discuss it in group.

It feels so good to feel good. I was having these fears come up, & anxiety, & getting lazy about working the program, & taking care of myself. I went to some meetings, & heard what I needed to hear. I'm so thankful for meetings, for the program, & the fellowship, & my blogger friends, & my HP, of course.

You all have a great monday.

Saturday, January 12, 2008


I feel better today. I stayed up late last nite, therefor, slept in very late again. Rather than let that get me down, & beat up on myself, I got some housework done, then took a shower. I feel so much better, being productive. Another thing I've really let get to me, is the treatment people, & addicts coming in to AA meetings, & sharing about drug addiction, even at closed meetings. I'm letting go of that, I have to for my serenity. A friend said to guide them to the Alano Club meetings. They have recovery meetings there, where you can share about alcoholism, & drug addictions, so I'm going to start announcing that. The Club gets alot of newcomers, & the way he put it, is that those meetings are good for newcomers who are one step from hell, they need these type of meetings. The alcoholic needs AA meetings, too. So, I found a solution, I hope. I am very passionate about this, I feel I have to be one of the ones to protect alcoholics anonymous, to make sure it's here for present, & future alcoholics. Perhaps I've gotten compulsive about it. If that's the case, I'm not helping, or carrying the message. Please don't get me wrong. I care about, & have compassion for the addict, they are not hearing the message they need to hear in an AA meeting. I will try not to mention this again. People are probably tired of hearing about it. The face of AA is changing, & that's a shame. I wouldn't talk about it so much, if it didn't keep happening, we are being bombarded. I know there are alot of dually addicted people, I am one, myself. Alcohol tho, is my primary problem. Alcohol did something for me drugs didn't do, it made me feel like I was ok, I'd come home. Alcohol doesn't lead me to drugs, it leads me to more alcohol. There's a difference there, I think. I'm just speaking for myself tho. So, I'm more an alcoholic, than an addict. I got off drugs with a dr's, help, & stayed off. Alcohol wasn't that way. I couldn't quit drinking, till I came into AA, & even then, it took some relapses, & time in the program. I had to do everything that was suggested, I had to find a HP too. I know it sounds like I'm putting the addict down, I'm not, I want them to get the help they need, & that would be in NA, & recovery meetings. Shoot me if you want. There are some people here, who would like to, I've been a thorn in their side. They don't want to hear the truth, they don't want to hear about the traditions, or the singleness of purpose. Too bad.

My sponsor is starting a step study meeting for women, sun. nite will be the first nite of it. I am looking forward to this. There's a good group of women going. We met last wed, to get it started. It will help me to get more in depth with the steps, & I'll get good feedback, & different takes on the steps. I like that. We're commited for about a year. I'm not very good at makiing commitments, so that's another good thing about it.

Well, we're back on the first step this month, & it's good to be reminded of my powerlessness, & unmanagability. That is something that comes up in different areas of my life. Yes, I have quit drinking, that is 100%. But I must work on my behavior, my thinking, old belief systems, self destructiveness, selfishness, pride, all of that, I could go on, the list is long. I have come along ways, but I have still a ways to go, always will, I never quit learning, growing, changing. Well, I do when I get stagnant, lazy, bored, complacent, or when I lose my humility, or think I know all, & become unteachable. Which, I go there from time to time, & when I get miserable enough, I get back into action. I've been there the last couple of months. Funny, how long it took for me to recognize it.

I'm on my way to a meeting, that will pick me up. Hope you all are doing well. Thank you for your loving support, & thanks for not shooting me lol.