FELLOW TRAVELER

MY MOM.......

I miss my mom so much! I was thinking about her, & how many times she helped me, & in so many ways. I never thot about those times till I got sober. The good times. The little ways she'd show her love, & support. No matter what endeavor I took on, she was there supporting me. It's the little special things she did. Later in life she tried to make up for the mistakes she made in raising me. Then too, when she tried to get her own life together, & find out who she was, besides a mother. My dad had been dead for years, & me & my sister & brother were adults. She was so courageous, she moved, & started all over. I think she was in her 60's when she did this. She worked three jobs for awhile, cause she couldn't find full time employment. She was always adventerous, wanted to try new things. She hated being tied down, it was hard for her having kids. She was very intelligent, & witty, & alot of fun. She was a kid at heart. I know now that she was an alcoholic, she never felt like she fit in, but wanted to. Isn't that something we all have in common? We felt like misfits. I miss when she lived here, & we'd visit all the time, or we'd go shopping together. She even went to a few of my AA meetings with me, in support of me. That was hard for her to do. She was a tall very attractive woman, funny, she never remarried, I'm not sure why, because I know she had offers. Men were crazy about her. She was a very private person, she didn't share her feelings easily, if at all, & not until later in life did she hug us, or tell us (kids) she loved us. She never got it growing up, but she did express her love later. She showed us in other ways, like in her support, & getting involved in our endeavors. After she moved, we called each other several times a week, & visit a couple times a year. I sure miss her! I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for the pain & anguish I put her thru, for so long. I am glad she got to see me sober before she died, I got to make my amends, & repair our relationship, we became very close. We discovered we're alot alike, & maybe that's why we struggled so, with our relationship. My sister & I had Hospice come in, we wanted her at home, well, she was at my sister's, but she was home. We were holding her when she died, I think that meant alot to her, that she wasn't alone, knowing that we loved her, & was there with her in her last days. It helped me too, but in some ways, it haunts me. I remember her last breath. I went into shock for awhile, it's been hard. It's been three years, & I've gone thru the 'grieving process', but I still grieve, I still miss her, the difference is, I am able to function now. Her birthday is coming up, nov. 18th, she would be 82. I looked forward to caring for her. She was not your typical 'old lady'. She was spunky, up until the last couple years, when she got sick, she had cancer, they didn't catch it till it was too late, it had already spread. She didn't suffer a long time tho, I'm so thankful for that. I know she's in a better place, but I'm selfish, I want her here with me. She is in spirit tho, that's another thing. She had a wonderful childlike, & comforting spirit. I know that I am letting my guilt block her spirit from visiting me, I have to let go. She told me so many times, all she wanted for me was to be able to take care of myself, have a good life, & be happy. So I need to make that a gift to her. I know she wouldn't want me crying, or to be unhappy, so I will work on this. I love you mom, so very much.

posted by sharonsjourney @ 4:21 PM