FELLOW TRAVELER

BURNT OUT......

2008-01-29T18:47:00.000-08:00

I read another blog who said he was burnt out on blogging & the internet. I think I am too, so I won't be posting very often, I don't think.

Went to my second step study. I was a little disappointed. We didn't stay on track, In order for me to get anything out of this, we have to stay focused on the step we're on, I want to dissect it. At the second meeting 4 women didn't show up, that's not going to work either. Everyone needs to be committed to this, & the group. I don't want to have to go back a step to catch someone up. If these things don't happen, I'll be wasting my time. That's the way it is for me. I will go a few times to feel it out, see what happens. There are others starting soon.

That's about all I have to post about. Hope you all are doing well. I'll visit you from time to time. Keep on Keepin' On.

LOVE.....

2008-01-21T22:21:00.000-08:00

Martin Luther King said.....Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.

I'd like to believe that.

AFTER ALL THIS TIME.......

2008-01-20T21:03:00.000-08:00

I got a comment from, & discovered Contraposso's (sp.?) post about me just now. Maybe I shouldn't respond, but I'm going to. I posted about this person & her boyfriend about a year ago, I didn't give any names. I wrote about some things that were really bugging me. Well, I realise now, I shouldn't have put it on my blog, even if it was the truth. What they do is none of my business, & I shouldn't have picked up what is not mine. I own that, & I regret it. Evidently she's getting info that I'm still talking about her & her boyfriend. I haven't even thot about them, let alone say anything. I have learned thru the program we create our own hell. Untill we're ready to be accountable for our actions, we blame others for our misfortune. I don't really need to defend myself, I've done nothing to hurt her, since that post.

As for the humility post. I wanted to share something I thot was cool. I didn't say I was there, I don't pretend to be. It is something I aim for. Hopefully if I stay sober, stay in AA, & keep working the steps, I will get there. I hope she does too, & we can put all this behind us.

I'll probably be sorry I responded to this, or maybe I reacted, & that's old behavior. Well, progress, not perfection. Boy! Her comment, & her blog came out of nowhere. That whole thing has been out of my mind for a long time. So, I guess my actions come back to haunt me, wreckage of my past. Damn! Change doesn't come easy, but I have changed, doesn't mean I don't pick the shit back up sometimes, tho. I'll have to talk about this to my sponsor. I'm sorry she feels the way she does, after all this time. I have been cruel, I can still be cruel, but I really don't like going there! It hurts others, & it hurts me, as well! Terribly!

HUMILITY......

2008-01-20T11:42:00.000-08:00

'A humble person is more likely to be self-confidenet....a person who has real humility knows how much they are loved.'

I thot that was worth sharing. Knows they are loved, I like that.

TAKING CARE OF MYSELF......

2008-01-19T15:53:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally did it. I made some dr. appts. I've put it off way too long. When I'm depressed, or when my ptsd symtoms arrise, I don't take very good care of myself, I neglect dr. appt. & such. That's old behavior, & bad behavior, but I try not to should all over myself, either. Pam was talking about being grateful. That does help, to think of what I am grateful for, & there is alot!

I made one appt. for depression, & anxiety, ptsd. I'm kind of afraid to get on a different anti-depressent, cuz it takes awhile to start working, & the dr. always starts me out at the lowest dosage, which doesn't work. I hate to go thru that again. But if I can get on something that will help me, it's worth it. I'm tired of feeling this way. I need to get into the steps more, too. Apply them to my life. I have to admit, I've been slacking. Maybe that's the crux of the problem, we'll see, cuz I'm stepping it up. I love it when I hit another platue in the steps! I made an appt. for an eye exam too, which is overdue.

I slept in till noon today, & it's not been a real good day, but I can change that anytime. And I'm going to. Am looking forward to a meeting tonite. I will take my shower, that always makes me feel better, make my bed. Besides gratitude, doing something, anything constructive helps too.

You all have a great week end! Love you!

ASAP.......

2008-01-16T15:45:00.000-08:00

I got emailed a different meaning, or perception of ASAP= ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER works for me.

My ptsd has raised it's ugly head. I've been having little fears crop up, feeling anxious, feeling a sense of doom, like something bad is going to happen any time now. It's not as intense as it used to be, but it's still there. It feels very uncomfortable. I don't like it at all, & it's constant, it seldom goes away. So, I need to apply ASÅP more often, I know that will help. Life is good, I just keep waiting for the shoe to fall off the other foot. Does anyone else have ptsd symtoms? I'd like to hear about it, but more important, I'd like to hear what you're doing about it.

I'M FEELING BETTER......

2008-01-14T12:29:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to mention this, & kept forgetting. We lost a blogger. She goes by Wine-o. Haven't seen a new post for months. I really liked her posts, & comments, & was starting to feel connected with her, I miss her. Maybe we could all say a prayer for her, that she is ok, & still sober. She was growing, & doing so well, then she dropped off the face of the blog world.

I went to my first step study meeting last nite. I am so excited about it. We're doing an in depth step study, using the BB, & the 12&12, & each other. There are about 10 of us, a great group of women who's sobriety is anywhere from 2 mos. to 27 yrs. This will get my butt in gear, it's just what I needed!

I'm going to a quarterly next week end. That will be fun, & a learning experience. I love quarterlies, assemblies, conferences, in other words, AA functions.

I must have had a change in attitude, I'm feeling pretty good, & have for a few days now. I read something on Shadow's post for today, & it was helpful, & simple. Her thot for the day was: If you're feeling good, be grateful, if you're feeling bad, be graceful.
Now I know what to do when I'm feeling bad, I don't have to wallow in those bad feelings.

In that step study group, we don't read the step in the group, we do it at home, & write about it, then discuss it in group.

It feels so good to feel good. I was having these fears come up, & anxiety, & getting lazy about working the program, & taking care of myself. I went to some meetings, & heard what I needed to hear. I'm so thankful for meetings, for the program, & the fellowship, & my blogger friends, & my HP, of course.

You all have a great monday.

BACK ON TRACK........

2008-01-12T17:14:00.000-08:00

I feel better today. I stayed up late last nite, therefor, slept in very late again. Rather than let that get me down, & beat up on myself, I got some housework done, then took a shower. I feel so much better, being productive. Another thing I've really let get to me, is the treatment people, & addicts coming in to AA meetings, & sharing about drug addiction, even at closed meetings. I'm letting go of that, I have to for my serenity. A friend said to guide them to the Alano Club meetings. They have recovery meetings there, where you can share about alcoholism, & drug addictions, so I'm going to start announcing that. The Club gets alot of newcomers, & the way he put it, is that those meetings are good for newcomers who are one step from hell, they need these type of meetings. The alcoholic needs AA meetings, too. So, I found a solution, I hope. I am very passionate about this, I feel I have to be one of the ones to protect alcoholics anonymous, to make sure it's here for present, & future alcoholics. Perhaps I've gotten compulsive about it. If that's the case, I'm not helping, or carrying the message. Please don't get me wrong. I care about, & have compassion for the addict, they are not hearing the message they need to hear in an AA meeting. I will try not to mention this again. People are probably tired of hearing about it. The face of AA is changing, & that's a shame. I wouldn't talk about it so much, if it didn't keep happening, we are being bombarded. I know there are alot of dually addicted people, I am one, myself. Alcohol tho, is my primary problem. Alcohol did something for me drugs didn't do, it made me feel like I was ok, I'd come home. Alcohol doesn't lead me to drugs, it leads me to more alcohol. There's a difference there, I think. I'm just speaking for myself tho. So, I'm more an alcoholic, than an addict. I got off drugs with a dr's, help, & stayed off. Alcohol wasn't that way. I couldn't quit drinking, till I came into AA, & even then, it took some relapses, & time in the program. I had to do everything that was suggested, I had to find a HP too. I know it sounds like I'm putting the addict down, I'm not, I want them to get the help they need, & that would be in NA, & recovery meetings. Shoot me if you want. There are some people here, who would like to, I've been a thorn in their side. They don't want to hear the truth, they don't want to hear about the traditions, or the singleness of purpose. Too bad.

My sponsor is starting a step study meeting for women, sun. nite will be the first nite of it. I am looking forward to this. There's a good group of women going. We met last wed, to get it started. It will help me to get more in depth with the steps, & I'll get good feedback, & different takes on the steps. I like that. We're commited for about a year. I'm not very good at makiing commitments, so that's another good thing about it.

Well, we're back on the first step this month, & it's good to be reminded of my powerlessness, & unmanagability. That is something that comes up in different areas of my life. Yes, I have quit drinking, that is 100%. But I must work on my behavior, my thinking, old belief systems, self destructiveness, selfishness, pride, all of that, I could go on, the list is long. I have come along ways, but I have still a ways to go, always will, I never quit learning, growing, changing. Well, I do when I get stagnant, lazy, bored, complacent, or when I lose my humility, or think I know all, & become unteachable. Which, I go there from time to time, & when I get miserable enough, I get back into action. I've been there the last couple of months. Funny, how long it took for me to recognize it.

I'm on my way to a meeting, that will pick me up. Hope you all are doing well. Thank you for your loving support, & thanks for not shooting me lol.

WINTER BLUES.......

2008-01-09T14:57:00.000-08:00

I don't know what is going on with me. I haven't had a good nite's sleep for a couple months now. So, I sleep in late, & I don't like that, I get up, & feel like the day is half over. It almost is, it gets dark so early. I'm going to see my dr. about either putting me on a different anti depressent, or giving me something extra thru the winter months. I get more depressed during the winter. I haven't been taking any sleep aids, I wanted to get off of them, but I'm going to have to get back on my trazadone, if it helps me sleep, then I'll take it. Other than getting no sleep, & it being winter, things are fine. I try to remember to be grateful, cuz I really am, I'm am truly blessed. For one, I'm sober, I'm alive, I have a lovely sister who loves me, I have good friends who love me, & I love them. My life is good, there really is nothing to complain about. It's up to me to make the best of it. I'm lazy tho, & have to work at things, that's what the program is for, to help me live on life's terms, to help me have a qaulity life. It's progress, not perfection. I am learning this stuff, a little at a time, baby steps. Learning to want what I have, to appreciate that, & where I'm at, I have come far. I owe that to my HP, the program of AA, the fellowship, my family, friends, & my willingness.

It has been snowing for weeks. I can handle that, am used to it by now. What I have a hard time with is the gloomy days. Well, I just need to know spring will be here before too long. In the meantime, I need to accept that it is winter, & adjust to that fact. Wish I did winter sports, but I have no desire to be out in the cold. So, there's other things I can do. I can putz around my apart., visit friends, write, go to meetings, visit the club. Have any suggestions? I need to get some hobbies. I used to, don't know why I'm not into them now. I also sponsor, & I love it! I care about my sponsee, she teaches me too, & helps me to remember where I came from. She also helps me get into the solution, & stay steps, that's what I want for her. It's very rewarding to see them grow, & be a part of that.

Well, I feel better since posting. I haven't journaled for a long time, I blog instead, but I think I will start journaling again. I don't know why I quit. I've journaled forever, even in my drinking/drugging career, & I know it helped keep me from going completely insane, & over the edge. I continued in early sobriety, & somewhere along the line I quit. I think it was when I was in the depths of my depression, I quit doing everything. I don't know where I'd be, probably dead, if not for my family, & friends, who made me get out of my apt., made me go to meetings, called me, came over, helped me clean my apt. made me eat. This depression I'm in now is not even close to as dibilitating as that one time, that was due to deaths in my family, & a failed relationship, which was abusive. But I still fearing going there, it happens gradually, & before you know it, you're in hell.

I have to get ready for a meeting. I look forward to them. I look forward to fellowshipping as well. I especially like the AA meetings, as apposed to recovery meetings, there is more unity in the AA meetings, & therefore more spiritual. I need to do a 4th step on the recovery meetings. They regressed from AA to recovery meetings, because of the addicts coming in, & disregarding the singleness of purpose, which is breaking, I believe 3 traditions. But I must cease fighting, & I'm tired of getting attacked for bringing this matter up. It amazes me that there are people that have frome 14, to 23 yrs. that don't know about AA history, or the traditions, & have a hand in making recovery meetings out of AA meetings. The newcomers aren't getting educated. I believe it is up to the AA members who have been around awhile, to educate the newcomer. If they don't, AA turns into recovery meetings, & you don't have the unity. Ok, I've said my piece, I'm very passionate about this, but seems like I'm alone on this matter. But you see, I owe my life to AA, & the program, & I owe my life changing to them too, so I am ever grateful, & will support the principles of the program, which is the steps, & the traditions.

You all have a good one, & thanks for your support. really.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

2008-01-08T22:41:00.000-08:00

I am hurt, disappointed, & angry, at people in the program. They've attacked me for bringing up the Singleness of Purpose in meetings. Some even lied about the traditions, tried to make AA their way. Some of these have 14 yrs. & more of sobriety. Can you believe it? For one, it astounds me that someone with that much time doesn't know anything about the traditions, or AA history. I don't understand why they are so against the Singleness of Purpose, or the traditions, the traditions are why AA works, they hold AA together. And yet I've heard one of these people talk about how they love AA, that it saved their life, yet attack me for bringing up the Singleness of Purpose up, & they lie, & even say AA needs to change to include the addict. I don't understand. To them, it's personalities over principles. They forget, I guess, that the principles, the program is our anchor. Yes, the fellowship is part of it, but it's all of us working a program that put us on the same path, the similarities. Where we are at. It is in sharing our experience, strength, & hope. I'm just surprised, & disappointed they are not more grateful to AA. It's the same as turning their backs on AA. So, for me, it's principles before personalities. It's been hard getting to that place, being the people pleaser I was, & besides, I like people, I need people, but I'm not dependant on them liking me anymore. I am dependant on the steps, AA is dependant on the traditions to hold together, & be here for the future. We must protect that, & stand up for them.

What's happening is alot of newcomers come to AA from treatment centers who teach a drug is a drug is a drug, & they don't allow you to say you're an alcoholic, or teach about alcoholism, they teach drug addiction. Maybe not all of them, but enough do. AA was around way before treatment centers. AA is spiritually inspired, treatment centers are money inspired. We get alot of newcomers in AA who are talking about their addictions, most of them are addicts. AA can't help the addict. They are addicts in an alcoholics anonymous meeting, they are still different, & that's one of the things we as alcoholics, & addicts that we have to get over, the feeling that we are different. They are our cousins, who are dear to our hearts. That's what AA says.

2 YEARS OF SOBRIETY.......

2008-01-05T12:55:00.000-08:00

Well, things are getting back to normal for me, & I'm coming out of my funk. Sometimes tho, I get this anxiety, out of the blue, for no reason. I feel a sense of doom with it, I don't like this at all. Some say it's my ptsd, some say it's anxiety, & some say it's my alcoholism, & it's normal for the first 4 or 5 years of sobriety. You mean I have to go thru this another 2 years? I hope not. I've been riding it thru, & telling myself it's not real, everything is ok, & talking to god. It does pass eventually, but it comes back. Maybe it is just part of early sobriety. I don't want to go thru the first 2 yrs. ever again. I'll have 3 yrs. next month. It's not that I'm this way all the time, or that I don't have joy, I do, & I enjoy my joy, a little pun there.

I do seem to be more centered these days, now that there's some routine in my life. Am starting on my 8th step, that's a hard one, it's painful. I pray to remain willing. I'm ready for that twist in the mind, the 8th step talks about in the 12&12. Those little twists in our thinking, what a miracle those are. Most of the time I don't realise it till after the fact, they're little spiritual experiences. Another thing that has helped me thru this anxiety stuff is that I remain grateful, I feel it inside, & it gets me thru the anxiety. I truly am grateful for the gift of sobriety, I am blessed with so much good stuff in my life, I don't ever want to take it for granted. I heard, then I learned to want what I have at any given moment. You all have a great week end!

CHANGE.......

2008-01-02T15:08:00.000-08:00

I've been in this funk, & what acurred to me today was that I need change. I just did my 7th step with my sponsor. I think I have been stuck between 6 & 7, you know, taking the action, giving myself to my creator, not just thinking about it. So now I'm on step 8, & that's a hard one for me, but I have to keep the willingness thruout all these steps. That's what my sponsor said, & she is very wise, she's never led me astray. I've been wondering why I haven't been able to get out of this funk, until today. I needed to work my 7th step. I'd been stuck on 6. So I go into action & continue with my 8th. I've let up on my praying too. I need to get out of myself.

My sponsor is starting a step study with a few women, so I'm going to that, I believe it is starting next week, I'm looking forward to it. She is also having some women over to do a creative outlet thing, tap into our creative side. I need that too. I have neglected the creative part of myself for a long time. I know I have it in me, & I've blocked it out. One of my character defects, that I turned over to god, is that I self sabbotage, am self destructive, I hope god took those. That would bring about some change, some good ones. It's a simple program, but it's hard work, & I'm lazy. The answers are in the steps, keep working the steps to the best of my ability.

Hope you all had a good start on the new year. I enjoyed my day. It was uneventful, I stayed home most of the day, & putzed around, did some reading, watched a little tv, it was nice. I don't need alot these days, & didn't have any expectations, well, I did a little, but it was ok they weren't met, no big deal.

2007-12-31T15:22:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

STUCK IN THE PAST.........

2007-12-28T14:49:00.000-08:00

I am soooo over Xmas! I get this big hole in me at Xmas time, cause I want my dad, mom, & brother here to be with my sis & I. I want Xmas to be like it used to be. It hasn't been since they died, & it never will be, no matter how hard my sis & I try to make Xmas like it was. She has finally accepted it, before Xmas, I finally have after. That's the thing, is I have to accept, & adjust to that fact. The social worker at hospice, when my mom died, said when someone you love dearly, & who is very important to you dies, you have to shift your thinking. I don't remember him saying that, but my sis did, & just told me about it, cause she could see I was still trying to make Xmas like it was, & getting stuck there, so I had this big hole. I was either denying how I felt, or getting down on myself for how I was feeling. I didn't know what was going on with me, until my sis shared that with me. Seems like I have to hear from someone elsee much of the time, to validate my feelings. It's been painful, being in that place, where my dad, mom, & brother used to be, but no longer are. I wanted to talk to them so much, I kept wishing them here, & it seemed almost possible. This is where step 3 comes in, I think. Let go & let God. Also the Serenity Prayer. So I had a miserable Xmas of my own making. It didn't have to be. Acceptance is the answer, how true in this case. I'm working thru this. I have done better this year, I remembered to be grateful for what I have, which is alot. It sure helps the attitude, even if you do feel like shit. The new year will be better, as I keep growing & changing, with the help of those who love me, & the program. I am so grateful! I heard something in a movie I watched last nite, & that is, that you can keep a person alive thru memories, those I have, that I can do. Hope you all had a wonderful Xmas, & Happy New Year! It's going to be for me! Love you

2007-12-24T16:52:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND UNGRATEFUL......

2007-12-22T16:49:00.000-08:00

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I am, for my friends, my sis, AA, my HP, so many things, that I'm alive & doing well. I'm not really depressed, but this time of year I don't like being single. I want someone special, a signifigant other to share with, & spend the holidays with. It's not that I don't appreciate my friends, & my sis, I do, very much. There just seems to be something missing, like having my own family, my siginifigant other, a different kind of closeness. The holidays are for families, yes, friends too. I can't be with my sis, tho I can talk to her on the phone. I miss the family get togethers, I miss having a man in my life. I know a man is not necessarilly going to bring me happiness, I've learned that the hard way. Still.....
Maybe it's the idea of it, you know, you get it in the movies, the songs, you see couples holding hands, you see families together. I will most likely spend Xmas Eve, & at least part of Xmas day at home alone, & it's hard. I'm not looking for sympathy, just writing about it. I'm going to spend tomorrow playing Santa & deliver friend's Xmas gifts, that will be fun, I will enjoy that, So, I'm trying to focus more on things like that, & my gratitude list, I've been given so much! I don't think I was meant to be single, but I try & make the best of it. I just hope I don't get too set in my ways to get into a relationship, if that should happen. I don't think about it so much, until this time of year, & Valentines Day, of course. I am not holding my breath, till I get in one, or anything like that. I just get very lonely, I miss intimate conversations, being held, laughing together, special moments. I know a man is not going to fill my void, that's codependency, & I already hit my bottom in that! I don't want to, nor do I intend to go there again. I put my life into my HP's hands, it'll be ok, I know that, & I trust that. You all have a very merry Xmas, I will be ok. I have alot of love to give, & I get it back, what more could I ask for? I miss being held by someone who thinks I'm special, who loves me. But wait a minute, I get that from my sis, & my friends. You know what I mean. Am I being selfish? Perhaps so. I guess I'm feeling vulnerable, & maybe a little needy & sensitive. I miss being in love.

XMAS TIME........

2007-12-14T14:58:00.000-08:00

I've been quite depressed, Xmas time is hard for me, I miss my family. But I have also been busy with Xmas doings. I'm feeling ok today, even tho I slept in again. That's ok, no need to beat up on myself for it. It's not just Xmas, I don't like winter, I get more depressed during the winter. Not much to write about, just wanted to catch up on my blog, it's been a few days. I still have a little more shopping to do for people here. I wanted to get my sister's done first cause I have to mail them. Besides, she is priority. This is the first year I haven't put Xmas decorations out, or sent cards. I can't let this beat me, tho. I just keep plugging away. I do know very well I have so much to be grateful for, & I'm not forgetting that. I think perhaps I'm grieving a little over the ones in my family I've lost. We normally would be getting together, or at least calling each other. But, I still have my sister, & am so very grateful for that, for her. I hang on to that. I tend to isolate a little at these times, I'm aware of that, so I've not let up on my meetings this time, I did before. I also must keep in contact with my friends, who are in the program, they are such a big support. Some of them need my support too, I can do that. I've been cleaning my apt. & puttering around, I like doing that. But, of course I have to take a time out to check my emails, & blog. That's another thing that is a big support, & encouragement for me, is my blog friends, you are a big part of my recovery! Thank you. If I don't post again before Xmas, which I probably will, you all have a very Merry Xmas! Love to you all!

A NEW ADVENTURE......

2007-12-07T17:14:00.000-08:00

I'm starting on a new adventure after the first of the year. I'm going to go to school, & see about training for some kind of job. I don't know what yet, but there's a place called Skill Source that has all kinds of programs, including Sr. programs for going back into the work force, I think I would qualify for a displaced worker. I can't physically do the kind of work I did before, & I am lacking in computer, or office skills. It's scary, but exciting, I'm ready. I was unable to work for a number of years due to disability. I went there a few years ago & got my GED. I was taking office skills, but had to quit to take care of my brother, who was dying from alcoholism, & the grief I went thru was totally disabling, I got into such a depression, I couldn't function. So, I'm ok, & more balanced now, & feel I can do this. It certainly is worh a try. The staff at Skill Source are good at what they do, & are very upbeat, positive people, & make learning fun. I'm looking forward to this, it's time for a change in my life, & this will be a good one. I can get thru any fear I have about it, & I have encouragemenet. Of course I will keep my recovery first, this is another stage in it, another level. Learning new stuff is always a good choice. I want to wait till after the holidays tho, it gets so hectic this time of year, or do I make it that way? I will keep you tuned in on this new adventure, wish me luck, I'm sure I could use it. I'm on my way to a meeting now. Take care

I'M HOME......

2007-12-04T15:32:00.000-08:00

I'm home from my visit with my sister. I went there mainly to help her with dog sitting, & keeping things done up, fixing meals, & such. I cooked Thanksgiving dinner. She does Xmas shows at different places for her ornaments, & is away from home 3 days a week, just thru Nov. & the first week end in Dec. but she had help for that time. She got enough days off during the week, that we got to spend some time together. I went to two of the Xmas shows with her, & her partner stayed home. That was an experience. There were a thousand booths in two huge buildings next to each other. I did some of my Xmas shopping there. Anyway, I had a good visit, but it's nice to be home. I was gone for two weeks. Riley was sure glad I was home, he's been all over me, about licked my face off. I missed him. My sister has the cutest cocker spaniel, & is such a good, & happy dog, she was a delight to look after. I've stayed home all day today, unpacking, & puttering around here. One thing that was nice about being at my sister's is having someone to do things for, like cooking, & careing for, looking after, waiting on, which was a pleasure, she does it for me too. I live alone, so it was a wonderful change, made me feel good. It wasn't codependency either, just nice to have someone to look after, & having the company, someone (esp. someone you love) to look after. I miss that. Living alone is ok, but I really do miss that. We make the best of our time together, cuz we only see each other two, or three times a year. Oh! I have good news. First, I want to tell you, I didn't bring the subject up, but my sister told me she was considering going to OA! Isn't that wonderful? She has a couple of friends that go, one has for a long time. That makes me so happy! My prayers were answered! Maybe you put some my way, if so, thank you so much! That would be wonderful for us both to be in the program, & in recovery! It was nice to hear I've been missed while I was gone, so I was told by friends. That was another things I did today, was call them, & let them know I am home. I haven't cooked Thanksgiving dinner in years, so this was a pleasure. I don't cook meals for myself, it was nice to know I haven't forgotten. So now I need to get ready for Xmas. Doesn't seem like it should be so near. I just missed a big dump of snow, which it did the day before I got here, well, it had been snowing for days, I guess. The roads are ok now, I'm glad of that. Till next time.

MISTOOK 9 FOR 0....SORRY.....

2007-11-30T10:20:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid I am mistaken, I had 9 comments about my sis,very helpful & supportive ones...thank you all. I misread the 9 for a zero. I thot that was very unusual, not to hear from anyone for so long. Sorry for the mistake. I showed her a title to an article that said junk food uses the same receptors in our brain as opiates. She has gone to my home group meeting with me, when she is visiting, & knows people who are doing very well in AA, & OA. As I said before, worry helps noone. I have to give her to my HP, & leave it at that. I want so much for her to have recovery, but I can't force it on her, I can only do my part, & I ask what that is on a daily basis. You all have a good week. I'll be going home mon. It's cold & snowing where I live, am not looking forward to going back to that! Still, it will be good to be back home. Thank you again for your support.

STILL AT MY SISTER'S.....

2007-11-29T15:51:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, but not one person commented on my post about my sister. I'm a little dismayed. Oh well, I just keep on posting. I'm still here at my sister's. I'll be going homw mon. the 3rd. I'll be ready. I miss Riley, my cat, & my friends. I miss being in my own place too. Tho I am enjoying the stay. I've come to realize, worry does noone any good. I try to be a good example, be the best I can be. I have to let my sister live her life. She is doing very well, & as far as I can tell is happy & well adjusted. I'm so thankful I am in her life, & her mine, & we let each other be. What more could I hope for?

MY SISTER.......

2007-11-24T10:11:00.000-08:00

First thing in the morning I have my coffee & a cig, then while I'm having my coffee, I check my email, then my blogger friends, it's a morning ritual. I love the mornings! Well it's back to the normal day, excet that I am still at my sister's. Her & I drank & drugged together, a long time ago. She rarely drinks now. She has traded her alcohol & drug addiction for food. Food is her comfort. She has gained over 100 lbs. in the last 10 years. I worry about her, & want so much for her to get into recovery, but I can't force it on her, neither do I say anything about her eating habits, my mom did that alot. I don't know, but I think she suspects what she is doing. It's not like her life is out of control, or she's unhappy. She has a very loving & supportive relationship with her partner. They have a good life, one that I respect & admire. She has handled her issues thru therapy, & has changed & grown into a lovely person. So who am I to worry about her? I worry about her health, but it's not up to me to say anything, or is it? Her partner is always making up or researching new diets for them to go on, so they know it's a problem. What I do, is make the best of our time together, & don't lay any guilt trips on her. She knows about the program, & knows about OA. I love her dearly & want to keep her around for a long time. Maybe I'm not setting a good enough example of what he program can do. I've had a lot of problems, & obstacles in my sobriety, it has not been easy. I have, however overcome a lot of those obstacles, & fears, I have come a long ways, she tells me so. But I think to myself, I could be doing better, I shouldd be further along in my recovery. But there I go with the coulda, shoulda, woulda's. That's my disease talking to me. My life is so much better, but I compare it to hers, & hers is a life you dream of having, that I would like to emmulate, but I'm not her. I feel like I could be a better example. She's much more succesful than I am, & I know that's not what you measure a person by, tho it does enter into it. Well, I'm kind of rambling now. We are very supportive of each other, & she is happy with her life, I guess I will leave it at that. I believe she knows I am here for her, if she ever needs me for anything. I just realized I'm still trying to make up for the harm I've done her, in our drinking & drugging together, I was not a good sister, or example all of the time. I've always felt protective of her...I am the oldest. So I was quite controlling alot of the time, in that I knew what was best for her. We had different ideas about that. That's no longer an issue with us tho. She's doing better than I am, & she now is the more mature one. I'm still working at it. I am alot better about minding my own business, I'm happy that we are a big part of each other's lives. What more could I ask for?

WHAT I'VE LEARNED FROM AA......

2007-11-22T13:55:00.000-08:00

I'm at my sister's for a couple of weeks, for Thanksgiving,& to help her with some things, it's a good vacation for me,as well. I will tell you some of the things I've learned from AA. That is, that I have a fatal disease that can be arrested if I follow certain suggestions, & it is a daily reprieve. I have learned from the ones before me it is divinely inspired, starting with one alcoholic helping another alcoholic. I have learned to like myself more, & that has been thru working with others, by that I have learned patience, tolerance, compassion,& the feeling of love for another human being. I look a little deeper now, where is the person coming from, they have been thru hell too. That we all have a common peril, & bond. I've learned their is a power greater than myself. I learned that we are sick, trying to get well, not bad, trying to get good. There is God in all of us. I have learned to look for for solutions, & that my attitude, my perception, can make or break my day. I will continue this later, right now, I'm going to finish making Thanksgiving dinner. This I've learned, I have to apply, some days I do, some I don't. It's a wholle lot better to live, I have choices today. You all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Some of these things I've learned, & am still learning,all I'm learning, & it's progress, not perfection. I am still learning the live & let live, the let go & let God. I have learned we are each other's teachers, & students. I have learned that alcohol/drugs are a symtom, that my thinking is the problem,& thru action I can change my thinking. I'm learning accountability, & responsibility, am still working on that one. I am learning to live one day at a time, I haven't got that down yet, but am getting better at being in the day. I've become more open minded. Mind you, I'm not perfect at all this, but I have, & my friends, & sister have noticed progress. My world has gotten bigger. I too,have learned the hard way people will fall off their pedestals. I don't hate myself on a daily basis anymore, either, nor am I as angry.

I've had my dinner, & am full. It's getting towaard the end of the day, I think my sister, & her paratner in front of the fireplace, what a nice way to end a wonderful day. I truly am grateful for this day, oh yea, that's another thing I learned, is to be grateful, & am learning forgiveness, but not how to forgive myself yet, maybe that will come. Since I can't, I ask God to.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING......

2007-11-21T15:59:00.000-08:00

I don't mean to sound harsh, or against the addict, I am not, I am an alcoholic/addict, among other things, I need help with all these, I don't bring them up in an AA meeting, I get help elsewhere for these other problems, it works for me. I have the utmost respect for the alcoholics that put AA together, & know they were willing,& did go to any lengths, or we wouldn't have this.

I am at my sister's now, & having a good time, I'm on her laptop, which I don't like the setup as well, I'm making all kinds of mistakes. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, maybe I will post again while I'm here. I hope I didn't give anyone the wrong idea about where I am coming from, I mean well, & believe in this principle.

DRUGS & ALCOHOL......

2007-11-19T12:56:00.000-08:00

I know that there are a lot of dually addicted people, I am one of them. There are, however plenty of pure alcoholics out there, & in AA, that deserve to be able to come to an AA meeting for help with their alcoholism, & not have to hear about people sticking needles in their arms. We are getting a lot of meth addicts, & there are some pure addicts, that claim to be addicts, & not alcoholics, that come into AA to talk about their drugs, & addictions. These people have been talked to, & they continue to do so. I believe they are hiding out, they don't want to face their peers, or addictions. They come into an AA meeting & are still different, this is one of the things we have to get over, is feeling different, or unique. It's disrespecting AA, & the alcoholic. We're getting a blending, & a move away from the singleness of purpose. What about the guy who has 15 or 20 yrs. still needs to go to meetings to hear solutions to his alcoholism, & continually hears about drugs & addictions, & less about alcoholism? Is he going to go back out? Possibly. I learned in early recovery the difference between my drug addiction, & my alcoholism, & where to talk about them. Why aren't these new people? I think for one they're coming out of treatment centers that teach a drug is a drug is a drug. Alcohol may be a drug, but it is not a narcotic, nor is it addictive, for it to be addictive, you have to be an alcoholic. Then you have narcotics. Anybody can get addicted to those. This is my understanding, & how it was explained to me. I feel for the addict, & want them to get the help they need, but it is not at an alcoholics anonymous meeting, if they're looking for a solution to their drug problem. I didn't make this up. AA says so, from experience with the addict, again, & again. Yes, there are a lot of dually addicted people, but there are still just alcoholics, lots of them. I've seen them in meetings, & their look of bewilderment, & pain. I ask you this. Are the addicts, & the dually addicted driving them out of AA? I hope not. This town needs stronger NA, people who will go to any lengths, to get over their addiction (s), who will do what the alcoholics have already done, build a strong foundation in their program. Rather than run & hide in AA. I probably am going to get a lot of slack over this, but how many people are going to die from their drug addiction, & their alcoholism, before this issue is handled? I see alot of enabling of the drug addict, & pushing away of the alcoholic. It hurts to see this going on, & yes, I'm angry about it, but moreso, I am concerned. I don't claim to have the answer, I go by what AA's experience has been, & what they say about this. That it can't help the pure addict, & they can't become a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Maybe after the addict goes to some NA meetings he will realize he is also an alcoholic, but doesn't he have to address his addiction to drugs first, if that's what he's dealing with at the present time?

Enough said. I'm going to be leaving for a couple weeks. I'll not be posting till I get back. Love & respect each other.

WHERE IS THERE HELP FOR THE ALCOHOLIC?

2007-11-18T21:10:00.000-08:00

My theory is an addict going to an AA meeting is hiding out, & still playing the game. It's one thing to be hurting himself, but another to hurt someone else, & that someone else is the alcoholic who goes into an AA meeting for his alcoholism & has to listen to some addict talking about sticking needles in his arm. Can he relate? Does he find a place where he fits in? Does he belong? Does he feel the connection? Is there a sense of unity? Has he come to the wrong place? No! The addict is in the wrong place. But if this is a newcomer, he doesn't know this. Does he leave there to get drunk.... possibly. So please, when you hear an addict talk about his drug, or addictions in an AA meeting, let him know he is in the wrong place. We must preserve the singleness of purpose, which is the unity of the program.

WEBSITE FOR AA'S SINGLENESS OF PURPOSE.......

2007-11-16T21:16:00.000-08:00

And here it is:

http://www.aaprimarypurpose.org/SinglePurpose.htm

WE NEED TO EDUCATE.......

2007-11-14T15:23:00.000-08:00

Well, I got thru my 5th step on the sex part of my 4th step, it was not so bad, & I found out a few things about myself. It is a relief to get it done. I have a couple more assignments concerning my sexuality, then I will go on to the money inventory. I feel a sense of accomplishment.

The topic at today's meeting was 'arrogant self criticism, self appraisal, self love, & love for God.' I heard some really awesome things. Like, we learn to love ourselves thru service to others. We learn to love ourself thru seeking & finding our HP. We learn to love ourselves in the program thru action, & working with others, then our attitude changes. I agree with them all.

The meeting last nite was about 'singleness of purpose'. Boy, what a meeting that was. Of course the addicts didn't agree with it, but some of the alcoholic/addicts didn't either. Most of them didn't know what they were talking about, didn't know anything about AA, other than going to meetings, so they think AA is for everyone. I'm afraid I kind of lost it, I might have to make some amends, I'll think about it. I'm very passionate about AA, & it's singleness of purpose. So a friend & I found a cool website on AA & singleness of purpose, it had everything we wanted to know about it, & then some. Now, we can back it up in print. I learned something from this, & that is to come from love & tolerance, & wanting to help, when I talk about this. I can't go around kicking people out of AA meetings. And if I make them mad, they're not going to listen, so then I'm not accomplishing anything. It is my job to educate thru love & tolerance, & helpfulness. That's the only way to go. Oh yea, patience too. I lost my pateince with a few people last nite. It said on that website, this is a principle that is difficult to stand by, & it is, people just don't get it, why it is so important.

IN THE DAY......

2007-11-13T11:01:00.000-08:00

The sun is out, & it's a better day. I did my prayer & reading this morning...it's a daily reprieve. Yes it is! I don't have the meditation down yet. Someone said it's a form of meditation for them when they're at a meeting listening to others share. I like that. So I'll go with that for now. Am off to a meeting in a little bit, I wanted to write something positive for today, since I did vent yesterday. One of the things I read was pg. 86 & 87, it helps me to plan out the day, & not get overloaded. It reminds me to say 'Thy will be done', the serenity prayer helps too. What has happened is I procrastinated on my 4th step, the sex inventory. Well, I got that done, & am doing my 5th with my sponsor tomorrow. It's a burden lifted to finish that part. After that, I have to do the money part, & that's going to be tough too, because I also have issues with money. I say this now, & I mean it. I'm not going to procrastinate. I know better, because then I get off track, & before long, I'm in the negative, & that doesn't feel good, so why do I do it? I'll get better at this, progress, not perfection. I'm going to a friend's house & we're going to study the BB. We used to do that, then we let other things take priority, which, some of it couldn't be helped, life happens. So I'm glad we're doing this again. I love doing recovery! Thank you all for your patience, & thank you for your suggestions, & support. I appreciate your kindness, every bit of what you do means something to me, & it helps me in my recovery. Hope you all have a great tuesday.

TODAY......

2007-11-12T16:03:00.000-08:00

God wants us to be happy & productive. Well, today I'm not productive. The hardest thing in the world for me is to nurture myself, love myself. It said in the Daily, that's what God wants for us. Why is it so hard for me? Why is it so hard for me to get God? Am I fighting Him? Am I being rebellous? What? What am I doing wrong? I can't seem to get motivated. I go to meetings, I read the BB. I'm working on my 4th step. I hang with the women in the program. I'm doing what is suggested. I so wish I had the belief that some people have, christains, & not, they have their belief. Maybe if I start over again with a Power Greater than myself, period. Anything outside of myself. I don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm just..I don't know. Yet I know the 12 steps work, I've seen it in others, & in myself. Today, well, the last few days have been not ok, non productive. I want to blame my sponsor, but it's not her, she can't make me do this thing. I'll probably wind up deleting this post, as I have many others, this is not carrying the message. Most of the time things are ok, I just feel dissatisfied for some reason, guess I need to find that reason..it is in me, I know that. So here I sit at home alone. I can't always run, to people, shopping, etc. Maybe a good novel would help, a little escapism, that wouldn't hurt, or be wrong. It would get my mind off myself, & maybe a gratitude list, that would take my mind off what I don't have. I have alot to be grateful for, & I am, for so much. I watched Looking for Private Ryan last nite. Those poor men in war, I feel for them. I want to bring the troops home, I don't want there to be war. I guess that movie was a reminder of some of the things that are going on in the world, & maybe I feel guilty for the good life that I do have, & feeling the way I do, & not being more productive. This is a temporary thing, this too shall pass. Maybe I need to work on enjoying my own company. Here I go again, analyzing. Well, there's some things I can do around here, so I'll either do them, or I'll get out a good novel. Today is a good day for reading, it's raining, & kinda cold out. Wish I had a fireplace, that would be perfect. There I go again, wishing for things I don't have. I have a very comfortable, & cozy apt. I am thankful for that. I haven't heard from my blogger friends for awhile, I miss you dropping by. Thanks Lush for stopping by, I've missed you, alot. Hope things are going well for you.

MY MOM.......

2007-11-10T16:21:00.000-08:00

I miss my mom so much! I was thinking about her, & how many times she helped me, & in so many ways. I never thot about those times till I got sober. The good times. The little ways she'd show her love, & support. No matter what endeavor I took on, she was there supporting me. It's the little special things she did. Later in life she tried to make up for the mistakes she made in raising me. Then too, when she tried to get her own life together, & find out who she was, besides a mother. My dad had been dead for years, & me & my sister & brother were adults. She was so courageous, she moved, & started all over. I think she was in her 60's when she did this. She worked three jobs for awhile, cause she couldn't find full time employment. She was always adventerous, wanted to try new things. She hated being tied down, it was hard for her having kids. She was very intelligent, & witty, & alot of fun. She was a kid at heart. I know now that she was an alcoholic, she never felt like she fit in, but wanted to. Isn't that something we all have in common? We felt like misfits. I miss when she lived here, & we'd visit all the time, or we'd go shopping together. She even went to a few of my AA meetings with me, in support of me. That was hard for her to do. She was a tall very attractive woman, funny, she never remarried, I'm not sure why, because I know she had offers. Men were crazy about her. She was a very private person, she didn't share her feelings easily, if at all, & not until later in life did she hug us, or tell us (kids) she loved us. She never got it growing up, but she did express her love later. She showed us in other ways, like in her support, & getting involved in our endeavors. After she moved, we called each other several times a week, & visit a couple times a year. I sure miss her! I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for the pain & anguish I put her thru, for so long. I am glad she got to see me sober before she died, I got to make my amends, & repair our relationship, we became very close. We discovered we're alot alike, & maybe that's why we struggled so, with our relationship. My sister & I had Hospice come in, we wanted her at home, well, she was at my sister's, but she was home. We were holding her when she died, I think that meant alot to her, that she wasn't alone, knowing that we loved her, & was there with her in her last days. It helped me too, but in some ways, it haunts me. I remember her last breath. I went into shock for awhile, it's been hard. It's been three years, & I've gone thru the 'grieving process', but I still grieve, I still miss her, the difference is, I am able to function now. Her birthday is coming up, nov. 18th, she would be 82. I looked forward to caring for her. She was not your typical 'old lady'. She was spunky, up until the last couple years, when she got sick, she had cancer, they didn't catch it till it was too late, it had already spread. She didn't suffer a long time tho, I'm so thankful for that. I know she's in a better place, but I'm selfish, I want her here with me. She is in spirit tho, that's another thing. She had a wonderful childlike, & comforting spirit. I know that I am letting my guilt block her spirit from visiting me, I have to let go. She told me so many times, all she wanted for me was to be able to take care of myself, have a good life, & be happy. So I need to make that a gift to her. I know she wouldn't want me crying, or to be unhappy, so I will work on this. I love you mom, so very much.

AA.......

2007-11-08T19:24:00.000-08:00

Tonite's meeting was on humility. I heard three different explanations of humilty. One was being able to ask for help, & then recieve it. Two, was being right with the world. Three was getting right sized. The third is my favorite one, it pretty much says it all, since we are dealing with our egos. I used to think that was for people who thot they were better than others. I found out for myself it is also for those who feel they don't measure up, feel less than. That is a form of ego, as well, & it still is judging, those who feel better than. I was always under the heap, but I did judge. It took alot of work to get humility...right sized.

There were four women there with over 20 yrs. sobriety. It's good to see they still go to meetings. We talked about that too, why they still come. They come because they still need to, but also because they still want to, & are still learning from everyone. We shared about how we all need each other, that we learn from each other, including the newcomer. Isn't it wonderful we don't ever graduate? We just keep learning, & changing, & growing. I love that. There was also a newcomer there, she heard good stuff. I was glad about that. I love it too, that we are all ages, from all walks of life, as it says in the BB, we are people who normally don't mix. We do in AA.

Well, the week end is coming up, hope you all have a great one.

GRATITUDE...........

2007-11-08T09:29:00.000-08:00

This is gratitude month so here is my gratitude list, which I have every day of every month.

I am grateful for:

God in my life

AA

My friends both in recovery, & blogworld

My sister

Riley (my cat)

That I have a home

My neat car

That I 'get to'

That I can feel things today

My recovery journey

That I have things to be grateful for, & that I am grateful

My health

We've had beautiful weather

That I woke up this morning

That I keep seeking God

That I can learn from my mistakes

IDEA OF GOD......

2007-11-06T21:24:00.000-08:00

To Thine Own Self Be True....man that's hard to do! I get caught up in other people's bullshit, well, mine too. To be true to my relationship with my HP....man that's hard to do! I didn't have an understanding of my HP, not even a little bit, how could I be true to it? So, I've tried, & am still trying to be true to the steps, they will lead me to a better understanding. What my idea of what God is, & is not. I've been reading a book on love, the many different kinds of love there is, & one is love of God. That gave me a better understanding. God is love, truth, & justice, period. God isn't a father, a mother, or any such thing, according to this book. It sure makes sense to me, moreso than any explanation I've heard. Love, truth, justice. That we can strive for, to put into action, & live it. The fact that I'm human means I'm going to fail at times, I'm not going to be perfect at it, but hopefully I will learn from my mistakes, & I keep that ideal foremost in my mind & heart. How simple is that? Hard to do, tho. The steps teach me honesty, responsibility, integrety, tolerance, respect, & so on, & the courage to do this thing one day at a time. I'm not trying to push this on you, or any particular belief, I just wanted to share. What do you think? You know, I realize now that my parents, in their own way tried to teach me this, they didn't know quite how either, but they had the idea. I believe we all do. I think that is what the BB is talking about when is says we have the fundemental idea of a God inside us all, we just need to seek it, & be true to it.

NEW HOPE......

2007-11-05T11:49:00.000-08:00

I went to see the psychiatrist this morning & it went well. She's going to take me off one, maybe two of my meds, & that is good news. The less meds, the better. Come to find out, these two I've been on cause confusion, & memory loss (as if I need more of that!) & they dull the emotions. That explains alot! It answers alot of my questions, of why I'm not able to get in touch with my feelings, no matter how much step work I do. Of course she's going to do this slowly, & of course I want it overnite. I have also been in the grieving process over my mom dying, my aunt dying, & a failed abusive relationship. She said it takes about two years. It's been two years since all this started happening. She said things will start getting better now, & I'll be able to cope better. That gives me new hope, I'm really feeling good about this. I'll be back with the living! I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, my HP takes care of the rest. Today's Daily Reflections is on Faith, & I have renewed faith today. I will get back to my 4th step when I get off this medication. You all have a good one.
p.s. All this time I have needed meds, because I went thru some really tough times, I had alot of losses, & needed to grieve, but I kept relapsing & didn't give myself a chance, or the time to. The psychiatrist says it takes right around 2 years. I just now have 2 1/2 years sober, & am thru the rough part, I don't think I need to be on all of them anymore, but I have to do this gradually, & with a dr's. help. There was a time I was so depressed from grief, I really should have been hospitalized, & I don't say that lightly. I could not function. My life is good today, there is no chaos, nobody is dying, things are good. Not to say I don't still grieve, but it's not constant. I want to be in touch with my feelings, I want to think clearly. If I can't feel the bad, I can't feel the good either.

I REACHED OUT.....

2007-11-04T22:19:00.000-08:00

I did it! I reached out for help! I called another woman in the program! That's huge! I didn't sit in my shit! She helped me. I trusted another woman. Enough to call her, when I was not doing so good. I don't like for people to know when I'm not doing good. I like to be the helper. Hmmm, is that codependency? I believe so. I've been feeling disconnected, more & more, since I've been off my meds, & was trying to handle it myself, & acting 'as if' everything is just fine. Well, it hasn't been. You know what my friend said? She gave me her theory on mental illness. It's the only other disease (like alcoholism) that tells us we don't have a mental illness. If we take our meds the illness has to die, if we don't it lives. I have accepted my alcoholism, but have been struggling with my mental illness. I keep wanting to go off my meds. My illness keeps telling me I don't need them. So every so often I get rebellious & go off of them, then I pay dearly, which is what I'm doing now. I'm back on them, so I'll be ok. But why do I keep putting myself thru this? My mental illness is doing push ups, just as is my alcoholism. I was starting to think I'll never be ok, I have too many problems to overcome, too many obstacles. Well, that's where, along with the meds, the steps come in. I'm on my 4th right now, but I need to back off, cause I'm in survival mode with my mental illness. When I get that straightened out I can go back to work on my 4th step. I've been beating myself up, cause I've been avoiding my 4th. I'll do it when I'm ready. What I need to remember is, this too shall pass. I did ok for maybe 3 weeks, then I started spiraling down, & then down I went! I am grateful for my friends, I am grateful for the program, I am grateful for God, I am grateful for my sister. Those are my mainstays, to be sure. Hope you all had a good week end. Love & respect each other.

ONE OF OUR OWN.......

2007-11-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

One of our own died last week. Complications from his hep C. There have been quite a few of ours die lately, either by their disease, or in accidents. Some have went back out & died, some have almost died. We need to keep carrying the message of hope. Nobody has to live under the influence. We have barely scratched the surface. I sometimes feel overwhelmed, I want to help so many suffering alcoholics/addicts! We're getting new ones in all the time tho, & if we can reach them, that's a beautiful thing. You never know how many other people, thru them we help. Tim's memorial is today. I told my sister, who will be doing my memorial, I want it to be a fun one. I want it to be full of good memories, good friends, & knowing I'm going to a good place. Nothing to be sad about there. While I'm alive, I hope to make good memories. There was a time I didn't. But that is done & over with, to go back on, & use only to help another. I forgot to mention the guy who just died was sober, & had been for some time. I know of at least two others who died sober, due to the ravage on their bodies from their alcoholism. This has made me painfully aware of my own mortlity. Just because we get sober doesn't mean we escape the ravage our alcoholism has done. He was only 52! My brother died of active alcoholism at 43. I have a nurse friend who tells us what miracles we are, those of us that are in the program, & doing well. She sees young people all the time come close to death, & dying from their disease. I am so grateful I am sober & healthy today. Well, I'm not the healthiest, I have illnesses caused from my disease, that I have to deal with, & keep a close eye on, so far, so good. I am a miracle, & I know that. I thank God every day for my sobriety.

I go see the psychiatrist mon. morning, & will hopefully get my meds straightened out. I am doing better. My good friend Michael spent quite a bit of time with me, & got me thru my anxiety. Just knowing it wasn't real, & that it would pass, helped.Then too, a friend stay with me. The meds help with my anxiety, ptsd, & phobias, but not my depression, that's what I need to address. I'm thinking as I get thru the steps, that will help a great deal. I'm on step 4 right now, & each time I finish a step, I feel that spiritual high. I just have to keep at it, it's a daily reprieve. I love those natural highs, they're so much better than any drug high I've ever been on. As long as I keep working the steps, & doing the do, I get these. That's been part of my problem, I've been resting on my laurels, I do believe that has something to do with my depression, maybe all of it, maybe part of it. More will be revealed. I'm doing good today. You all have a great week end.

STAYING ON MY MEDS.......

2007-11-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

I'm here to tell you, if you are on meds, don't all of a sudden go off them. It's catching up with me, not being on my meds. I just started taking them again a couple of days ago. I'm a mess. I did ok at first, but I'm not now. I will be ok when I get stabalized back on them. I'm in a constant state of anxiety, there's no in between in my moods. I'm either feeling 'high', or am depressed. I didn't sleep for twe nites in a row, then slept for 21/2 days to catch up. My house is a mess, my head is a mess. I just have to ride this out. I have an appt. with the psychiatrist mon. morning. I can hardly type, cause I'm so shaky. I know better than to do this, I've done it before, & went thru the same thing. I get scared when I'm like this. I can't concentrate. I will be ok tho, that I know, & knowing that helps me get thru this. My friends are helping me too. The other day, one helped talk me down, & let me know, he was there for me whenever I needed help. He stopped by my place yesterday, cause I isolate when I'm like this, but I was sleeping then. I'm not able to write much for a time. Except this, & that is to let anyone know, who is thinking about doing this, not to. If you want to go off your meds, do it gradually with a drs. help. I know better. I think I'm just going to stay on mine, I found out I need them, tho sometimes, I think I don't. You all have a good week end. My days will be getting better as I stay on my meds.

I AM ON A ROLL.....

2007-10-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

I am on a roll today! This is my third post. And yet I would like to get comments on my other two. I just got to thinking, I wrote about not wanting people (esp. locals) to know my feelings, or what I'm thinking. That's not recovery. Recovery to me, is about not hiding my feelings, or what I think (well, sometimes) learning to get them out, & let people in. Learning to take that risk. Not everyone is going to like me, or agree with me, & what I need to know is that, that is ok. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't like me, & even if they don't...oh well. And just because someone doesn't like me, doesn't mean I have to not like them. Know what I mean? Liking someone is not contingent on whether or not they like me. How does that saying go? We agree we can disagree. I've seen this in service work. It blew my mind! A room full of alcoholics disagreeing, some of them yelling at each other, they can get quite passionate! At the end, they all hug, & say the Serenity Prayer together! Awesome. I don't have to take everything personal. It's the issue at hand, that's all. But I do think it would be fun to start another blog, I don't know what about tho, other than recovery. What else is there? We were discussing AA being, or not being your whole life. Well, it is mine, & that's ok. You see, I don't have family here, I'm retired, so I don't do things with people I work with anymore. I really don't have any other outlet. Church just doesn't do it for me, I'll admit, that's my prejudice, for one, I'm not good enough, & for the other, I just don't fit in. And AA is all inclusive. There's the old timers, which is nice, cause you've known them for a long time, they've seen you at your worst, & grow from that. Then there is always newcomers, so you have an ever growing family. Another things is, there is no graduation, which means we never quit learning from AA, from each other. Oh, that's another thing! We are teachers & students to each other. What better way to learn. And we know that we keep growing, we keep changing. What got us down one day, can make us stronger the next. I get to be a part of that. We are truly a society, & the goal is to learn together, love & tolerance.

BLOGGING.....

2007-10-28T17:22:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of creating another blog. Why? Because mine isn't really anonymous, it has my name on it. Some of the locals know about it, I therefore can't really be free in what I write, because I don't want them knowing my business. I don't want them to know how I'm feeling, or what I'm thinking. It's not even that so much as just being able to be anonymous. I don't think I want a name pursee on my next blog, because a name could conjure up certain ideas, or memories of someone you know, or knew by that name. I want you to be free when you read my posts, I want to promote free thinking, I'm looking for objectivity as well. Do you understand what I am saying? I have grown attached to Sharon's Journey tho, & like seeing my name when you send comments to ME, Sharon. It's endearing to me. So, I'll keep this one, & create a whole other one. Can I think of enough to write about tho? It doesn't matter, I'll write when I write, it doesn't have to be timely. Oh but, I'll have to also create a different style of writing, they, the locals, might recognize me. I like the fellow traveler, & I like Sharon's Journey, but maybe I want to write about something else besides my recovery, I don't know. Michael got me to thinking about this, from reading his most recent blog. It would be fun, that's the bottom line. Having fun with this, having a creative outlet, & I really do get so much from the comments made, as well as the other blogs. I love blogging, & reading others. It enhances my recovery so much. I love that my world got so much bigger from blogging. I read from people all over the world! That is sooo cool. Another reason for creating another blog, is that, sometimes, several times a day I think of something to blog about, well, who wants to keep up with that? I, after all, don't want you to miss any!

SUNDAY MORNING SPIRITUAL MEETING.....

2007-10-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

I just got home from my home group meeting, which is a sun. morning breakfast meeting, & I love it. I love the group of people that go to that, & there's just something about a sun. morning spiritual meeting, that is glorious, to me. I can take on life now. Is how I feel coming out of that meeting, I get the spiritual food. We, most of the time pick a topic from the BB. This morning it was from the 'Family Afterward'. Those of us who have spent much of time in the world of spiritual make believe have eventually seen the childishness of it. This dreamworld has been replaced by a great sense of purpose, accompanied by a growing consciousness of the Power of God in our lives. We have come to believe, He would like to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is where our work must be done. These are the realities for us. We have found nothing incompatible between a powerful spiritual experience, and a life of sane and happy usefulness. The person who picked that topic said, his sponsor had him read that often. I'm going to. I needed that reminder of why I am sober, and why I am in AA. I need to pass on the gift given to me, and carry the message. I forget that, and get caught up in the world of me, and what is going on with me, and my childish resentments, or whatever. I must remember, I can always be of help to another, that is my purpose in this life, and on this road of happy destiny. That gives me usefulness. I didn't have that in my world of make believe. What a gift!

A NEW TURN.....

2007-10-26T23:48:00.000-07:00

I've been a month without my meds, due to my not getting my papers to turn in for my coupons. I am doing ok, so I am going to stay off of them long enough to get them out of my system this time, & see how I do. I think I'll do ok this time. I don't have chaos in my life anymore, I'm not with some sick dude, messing with me. I am more at peace than I have been ever. My life is good. I've done the therapy, I'm working a program..to the best of my ability. I think I might be safe to go off of them. I want to be well. True, it scares me, it's unfamiliar, I am in new territory, but this is my journey, & I don't want to be sick for it any longer. I am not a victim anymore. I haven't been in a sick relationship since last Dec. so I think I'm ready to try something new. Like some healthy behaviors, like being responsible, creating happiness in my life. I used to think happiness came in a HIM. Turned out just the opposite was true. Until I can learn to be happy on my own, I can't be happy with another. I used to depend on someone making me happy, just the opposite would happen, because I had expectations of another to make me happy. All this time I've been on meds, I've needed them, because I've had some tragic things happen, & I was a mess, my life was a mess. I attracted messy people. I needed the meds, & they helped me thru all this stuff, but I don't think I need them anymore. We'll see. I seem to be getting more clarity, I want to see what I am like without them, now that I don't have chaos going on in my life. I've asked my friends to let me know if I seem to be getting off in lala land. I used to want to be sick, I thot it was cool, if you can believe that. I didn't want to get well, because then, I'd have to be accountable. I had an excuse, I was sick. What I was, was dishonest with myself. I am not claiming to be all well, but that is my goal. So this is a test, I will keep you tuned in how it goes. If I have to go back on them, that's ok, but I really want to give this a try. This is scary, I've been on meds for years, & I needed to be, so lets see how it goes. I trust in my God. I just need to keep the faith.

UNITY.....

2007-10-26T08:16:00.000-07:00

One of our own died yesterday of complications from his hep C. He was sober. He had had problems with his liver for a few years, & was in & out of the hospital, this time he was ready to go. He was only in his early 50's. I am faced with what this disease does to us when this happens, which is quite often. We've lost a few, recently. This is one reason why, I am so addiment about AA, & learning about this disease. It does more harm physically than drugs, over a period of time. It destroys our liver, for one, but all our organs, really. This is one reason why the alcoholic needs an AA meeting to go to, & learn about his/her disease. The treatement centers, from what I hear don't teach anything about alcoholism, they teach a drug is a drug is a drug. Alcohol is so much more harmful physically, & they need to be teaching this, but that isn't in their profits margin. It's all about money. I am saddened by his death, alcohol took him early in his life. How many others does it have to take? The treatment centers need to get more responsible. I'm afraid AA won't be here for the true alcoholic in the future. This disease is centuries old. AA is the only thing that has been able to even touch on this problem. We have found a way out, & what are we doing with it now? We're letting treatment centers, & addicts dilute it, I've seen it happen over the years. It's scary to me. But then maybe I'm paranoid, I don't think so. I'm not saying drugs don't do harm, or that the addict doesn't need help. But they need to go to their NA meetings & learn more about their drug of choice, that would not be at an AA meeting. I'm not against addicts, I am one myself. Alcoholism is my primary disease, it is the symtom that got me here, & I was one sick puppy when I did get here, physicallly, mentally, emotionally, spiritualy. I had been brought to my knees by alcohol. I may turn some addicts against me, that's ok. Maybe someday, there will be an all step meeting...for everyone, with every addiction, until then we need to keep the singleness of purpose, the unity in our meetings, whether it be overeaters, sex addicts. codependents, alanons, gamblers, shop aholics, alcoholics, addicts, whatever. Tell me if you think I'm out of line, or being closed minded. I just know, that at the meetings today, not everyone is on the same page. I can pretty much relate to it all, but can the true alcoholic, well, maybe. I don't know anymore. I know that alcohol is but a symtom. But to me, the pure drug addict, & the pure alcoholic are a different species. The whole lifestle is different, for one. Ok, I'm not going to say anymore. I hope you get what I'm getting at. Yes, I know, I'm looking at the differences, not the similarities. I look at the old timer, who still needs meetings, or the alcoholic who has never done drugs & the whacked out meth addict that comes into the meeting, & wonder what the similarities are. I know, I'm being judgemental. I was once a whacked out crank addict, & I can tell you this, an AA meeting wouldn't have helped me. They didn't have NA then, & I hadn't heard of AA. So I went to a dr., & he helped me get off the drugs. I haven't been into drugs since then, but I did, shortly after I got well from the drugs, went right back to drinking, which is what I did before the drugs, & drank for another 20 yrs. & it brought me to AA. I risk being ostercised by writing this, I know, & I hope that doesn't happen. Hey, just about everyone I know is an alcoholic/ addict. But I do know a few alcoholics who have never taken drugs, & I tell you, they're not on the same page. It seems everything is about the drug addict these days, & I know it is a pressing problem. But let's not forget the alcoholic, or send him down the river. Ok, enough out of me. Shoot me if you want, but I'll still be here, trying to keep the singness of purpose in the meetings, & keep the unity. I want help for us all! I truly do. And yes, I get to practice love & tolerance in all this. Bottom line, we all need to be loved & accepted, & that is what I found in AA, so I guess I am very protective of it, it saved my life, I want it to be here for your children, & grandchildren. It has been here for 70 yrs., it has worked all these years, it has not been changed, I don't want some guy with 14 yrs. sobriety getting people believing it needs to be changed. I believe if people knew more about the history of AA, they wouldn't even think of changing it, that's trying to change God's will, & I believe, no, I know, AA is divinely inspired, He definitey had a hand in it coming about. Please, don't mess with it. Let it be here for another 70 yrs. & so on. Ok, I'll get off my soapbox, sorry. One more thing. There wouldn't be NA, CA, Alanon, GA, SA, or any of these if it weren't for AA being kind & loving enough to give their 12 steps to these other people who needed help. I think they knew what they were doing then, I believe that holds true for today. Ok, I'm done. Any feedback would be welcomed. My codependent self is asking you not to ostersize me, or think that I'm trying to ostersize any of you, I'm not, I want you to have the program of recovery of the 12 steps. And to end this, the more I think I know, the less I know, I'll leave it at that. You all have a terrific week end. It's going to be sunny & nice here. Yea!

SINGLENESS OF PURPOSE.....

2007-10-25T10:08:00.000-07:00

I have two friends that are arguing about AA & it's singleness of purpose. One says the singleness of purpose is that Alcoholics Anoymous is for alcoholics, & it can't help the addict. This is why AA loaned the addict the 12 steps, so they could start their own meeting. Now, this is for the pure addict, who is not an alcoholic, not so for the alcoholic/addict. But that when you are in an AA meeting you announce that you are an alcoholic. period. The other person says AA is here to help everyone. I guess they don't know about the pioneering times when AA tried to be for everyone, & it didn't work, that's how, & why they came up with the singleness of purpose. So I guess to this person the addict is welcome, so is the sex addict. the shop aholic, the overeaters, the gamblers, & on it could go. Nobody would be on the same page. And there would be many, who wouldn't know what anyone was talking about, cause maybe they don't have that particular addiction. Do you see where this is going? It dilutes AA, & takes from it, the very thing it is now doing to help the alcoholic, & it's not helping any of the others either. It's one alcoholic talking to another, or one gambling addict talking to another, etc. We are getting alot of addicts in our AA meetings, even the closed ones, it is not fair to the alcoholic who comes in an AA meeting to get help with his alcoholism, only to find a bunch of addicts talking about their drugs. We are also getting alot of treatment people who preach a drug is a drug is a drug. The treatment centers are making money on this. They do this because there is no money in treating alcoholics, who can get free help by going to AA. The treatment centers used to send them to AA, but don't anymore, because there is no money in it, so they treat the addict, & don't even let them say they are an alcoholic, because they say it is a drug, just like the rest. Funny, alot of normal drinkers drink their whole lives without becoming addicted, so the alcohol itself is not addictive, the person is. Not so with drugs. They are addictive in themselves, & will get the person taking it addicted. Does that make sense to you? It does me. I didn't drink my way into being an alcoholic, I was from the first drink. And yet, I know people who can drink one drink, & leave it alone. Me, I can't do that.

So the arguement continues. Whether or not to let the just addict, or alcoholic/addict come into an AA meeting & talk about their drug, rather than their alcoholism. It is not fair to the alcoholic, for one. Where does he/she go to talk & learn about their alcoholism? An NA meeting?! Ridiculous isn't it? This has really become a problem in my town. I know a guy who has 14 yrs. sobriety, & is going with the idea that AA can help everyone, in fact, he says AA needs to change to accept the addict.

What do you think? Actually it doesn't matter what any of us think. I'm not speaking from my opinion. AA states what the singleness of purpose is. AA has gone thru this with the addict before, years ago. What they said was Alcoholics Anoymous can't help the addict, but the 12 steps can, you are welcome to use them, & start your own meetings. Why do they still choose to come to AA meetings. Does anyone know? I have a pretty good idea. They're still different. They don't have to deal with their peers. One of the things we find, is when we come (I'm speaking of alcoholics) into AA, we are not longer unique, we're not different, we're in a room full of other alcoholics just like us, & it turns out to be one of the beauties of the program. Not so with the addict coming into an AA meeting, they can still be unique, & misunderstood, get the idea. This is my opinion, of why an addict won't go to his own meetings full of addicts just like him, hoping he can get away with something. I've said enough. I'm sick of this whole misunderstanding, & it's effecting my sobriety. I have friends that are just alcoholics, & I am concerned for them, I am for me too, even tho I have been into drugs as well. I was able to quit with a dr's. help, but I needed AA to quit drinking. So I need help with both, but especially my alcoholism. That's why I go to AA. I need the unity of AA, I need to be with other drunks, like myself, I need to know how you deal with your isms.

JOYOUS EXPERIENCES.......

2007-10-24T10:10:00.000-07:00

I wrote this when I was going to Skillsource for my GED in 1999. I was one of the reporters for our newsletter. I called myself 'Your Roving Reporter'. I had so much fun doing this. My brother got very ill, & eventually died from alcoholism, & I had to quit, & help take care of him. I was crazy with grief, & couldn't continue school. Here it is, my report on my graduation. It was a wonderful experience, & I want to share it with you. It's rather long tho. Remember, it's an article in a newletter.

GRADUATION '99 by Your Roving Reporter

Before I get into the graduation, I'd like to tell you a little bit about myself, that will hopefully help you understand why a graduation is so important, & such a wonderful experience for everyone involved.

1963 would have been the year I graduated, but I had other ideas & I got sidetracked. A few years later I took some classes at Boise College for my GED, I did will & enjoyed them. By then I was pretty much out of control, & my life defininately was.

So now here I am at Skillsource for the second time. The first time I didn't even make it thru their ACE class, I wasn't ready. I was cleaning up me, & the mess I'd made of my life. This time around I made it thru the ACE class, & then some. I actually got my GED! Noone was more surprised than me! The people at Skillsource, my family, & friends were very supportive. I also was lucky to have Hugo for my trainer, who believed in me, & went the extra mile for me. Of course, I had persevered. From the time I started at Skillsource, it was the camaraderie that stood out & continues to the most. From the time we first arrived at graduation, a little nervous, with anticipation, & at the same time on 'cloud 9'. We were running around giving each other hugs, & congratulations, & helping each other getting our caps, & tassles to stay put. Everyone was joking, & laughing, acting like high school kids (imagine that!) Shari had quite a time getting us to settle down & listen to instructions for the rehearsal. I was amazed the actual event went so well. Shari did the introduction & introduced Jim Lynch (our former mayor) who gave an interesting & humorous speech. I was surprised to learn he was a high school drop out. Also, he did some traveling, & joined the Service at a young age. That's where he started his education, & went on to become a lawyer, judge, & the mayor of our city. The AOS students were presented with their certificates first. Then the GED graduates received theirs. WE HAD ARRIVED! Here I am 36 years later standing up there on the stage recieving my GED. We were celebrating! Imagine! A celebration in our honor! I felt like I needed a reality check Next was the presentation "CIRCLE OF LIFE' was the theme. Jonathan Shuffeild sang the title song, as the presentation was being shown. which Betty Radce put together with PowerPoint. Together they were just awesome! Beautiful! There were more pictures to show after the song, & it was so quiet, until the next baby picture. Then you heard laughter, crying,(still) & aaaaaahhhhhs.

As I reflected, I realized this was what I had been chasing all this time. It was this good feeling, to be a part of something bigger than myself, & be among good fellowship, it was this sense of accomplishment. I tell people I'm a late bloomer. As a friend once told me, "Sometimes you have to go thru alot of dirt, before you bloom".

That's the end of the article. As you can read, it was such a wonderful experience, & I want to have more of those in my life. I want to accomplish more, which I haven't done in awhile. Oh yes, I've stayed sober, & that's huge, without, I wouldn't have any of the other. So now, I trudge the road of happy destiny, with hopefully more joyous experiences. I leave that to my Higher Power....I did then, I hope to continue to do so.

TRUE TOLERANCE......

2007-10-22T14:05:00.000-07:00

Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well, & are frequently wrong & then we approach true tolerance & see what real love for our fellows actually means. From the Daily Reflections for today.

I would like to live by that. Some days I do ok by that, some days I don't. But when I do, I am much more at peace. A good thing to remember for us all. Progress, not perfection.

DEPRESSION......

2007-10-21T08:34:00.000-07:00

I've had an extremely difficult last few days, where I've been in a dark place. I haven't gone there for some time. That's what resentments can do to you, if you don't take care of them when they pop up. I had dealt with this before, but it popped up, coupled with some other things going on with me. I'm ok now, but boy, I sure didn't like being there.

The area assembly is here this week end. We have 3 people in area officer's positions, that hasn't happened for a long time. That is cool. We've had some trouble in the past filling those positions. It looks like I'm gsr of my homegroup again. Ours bailed out, couldn't even finish the assembly. He's into his own stuff. This morning at the meeting I'm going to pick committment for a topic, & ask him what it means to him. Had he given me enough notice, I could have gone to the assembly, but he did this about half way thru it. Didn't even go. So our group wasn't represented. Our vote was counted, but we just didn't have a gsr there. I could have gone anyway, whether he went or not, so I can't blame him. It was my choice not to go, & I usually go to these. I was still in my own dark place. I hear I missed an awesome assembly. There were alot of gsr's there. I'm glad to hear there was such a good turn out, at least. That's what I get for being in my own self pity. Damn! Sorry I missed it. So there I go blaming again. I really need to work on that, stay in my own hoola hoop.

I know it's beautiful this time of year, but I don't like it. For one, there were too many deaths in my family. And I just don't like it anyway. It reminds me of winter coming, but I go thru it every year. I think I will have my anti deperessant increased thru the winter, come about this time, or a little earlier. Then take it back down in the Spring. Right now I'm without it at all. I'm hanging on to the program, & my friends in AA. I'm on review, & I forgot to fill out some places, so it's taking longer this time.

OLD AA.............

2007-10-18T08:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm not too proud of that last blog. That is one of my pet peeves, people who have titles, as in my name is so&so & I'm a real alcoholic, or a true alcoholic. I didn't know there were levels of alcoholism, you either are or you aren't. That's what Shadow said. as well as people who come into an AA meeting & annoumce themselves as alcoholic addict (that is ego based) or just plain addicts (that is disrespectful of AA). I really have a problem with both. But, that is my problem, & I must deal with it. Not the other person, even tho I know other people have a problem with it too. But when all is said & done, we just laugh about it. What can you do? You can't teach people respect, & you can't tell them they're being egotistical, they have to see it themselves. I prefer people that are real, that come from the heart, & keeps it simple, they don't need to have a title. I think you have to keep it to what ever program your in, out of respect not only for the just alcoholic, but for the program also. As I said, I was brought up on old AA, I learned about respect for my fellow alcoholics, & AA itself. I have such respect for the people in AA before me, what they went thru to get this started, & keep it going. Back east you get the old AA, Out here, at least in this town, you don't anymore. I'm glad I came in when I did, before it got watered down. I needn't get mad tho, that's only a reflection on me, I wouldn't want it to be a a reflection on AA. After all, love & tolerance is our code. I need to practice that in all my affairs. Sometimes I do ok on that, sometimes not. I apolojize to the 'real alcoholic' for stepping on your toes.
I am very passionate when it comes to AA, I know alot of the history, & the pains that went with starting it, & growing in it. I don't like to see people disrespect it. Sponsors have to teach the old AA, let the alcoholic addict know it is AA, not NA. Why an addict comes to an AA meeteing, I'll never know. Why would an alcoholic go to an NA meeting? Of course unless they're both, & go to both programs, but I'm talking about the pure addict. I, myself am both an alcoholic addict, but I don't say both in either program. Well, enough about this. Can you believe it's almost the week end again? My town is hosting the area assembly this year, I love those, you meet people from all over, & learn alot about AA. You all have a good week end!

ARE WE HELPING, OR ARE WE ENABLING?

2007-10-16T15:41:00.000-07:00

I am so frustrated, almost angry. I'm not sure what to do anymore to carry the message. I guess I mistakenly thot someone was reaching out for help, so I shared my experience, strength & hope. When someone reaches out for help, the hand of AA is there. Is that right? Well, I did that, & got a slap in the face, so to speak, in her response. I know one thing, I am grateful to AA, & the people in it, even the ones that told me things I didn't want to hear, I am grateful to them. I expect everyone else to be, & some are not. I have a question for you out there. Do you think someone, in order to get sober, & stay sober, have to be ready? Willing to hear the truth? Become teachable? Become willing? Do you think we should wait till they are ready? Or do you think we should keep working with them, & hope they get ready? Does the readiness come after they've been worked with? Do we stick with them, even when they keep going back out, but keep coming back to AA? Or do you think we're enabling them? Or do we leave them alone, but ready to help when they are ready. When do we move on to someone who is ready, & has the willingness to do whatever it takes. I was brought up in old AA, & they put it like this. You have to be willing to push a peanut down the street with your nose. What do you say to that? I fooled around with the program for a no. of years. I was so self destructive, I was killing myself, I finaly had to be done, I had to get the willingness, & enough humility to become teachable. Until then, I was wasting everyones time & energy. I can keep carrying the message, but it won't help the still suffering alcoholic until they're ready to listen. Please tell me if I've been misinformed. I have someone who 'adopted' me to be their sponsor, so I asked them to go to a couple of meetings, & we would get together & talk after the meeting, to see if we would be a good match. I also wanted to see if they had the willingness. She didn't show for either meeting, & hasn't called. I don't think I should chase her. A sponsee has to be somewhat responsible, in doing their part, they have to do the footwork, I can't do it for them, I won't. It's a waste of my time, & energy. Do you think I'm being too hard? I've come to this conclusion out of experience with others. I've had dealings with another alcoholic of the description I mention at the beginning of my blog. They keep goiing thru the revolving doors. What do you do with them? I'm out of it now, because I haven't been able to help her, tho if I thot she was serious, I would. I know, I have stayed sober, but I want so much for others to have sobriety. They make it so hard for themselves. It's hard to watch. These are neat people, but their disease has them by the balls! Wish I had a magic wand. that's not my job tho, is it? It's God's. I guess that's what it boils down to, trust in God. Give them to him. You see, the bottom line is, I still feel the pain from not being able to help my brother, & my mother, & I'm angry at God for not doing something. Why me? Why not them? Why somebody else? Yes, I'm angry at you God, & I'm angry at the people who fool with this disease, & the program. They're flirting with it, & they're getting their asses kicked, & are too stupid to know it. Or don't care. I've seen so much, lives ruined, not just the alcoholic's but the people involved with them too. And we alcoholics think we're the only ones we hurt!

I KEEP WRITING MY STORY......

2007-10-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

Boy I've been on a roll, in my posting. There for awhile I was kinda depressed because I was getting very few comments. Then a friend said, does your blog help you? Who do you write them for? Once I realized I was writing for myself, & that it does help me, I've been on a roll. And guess what? I've been getting more comments. So, see how that works? Thank you Tod.

We were sharing last nite at the meeting about having a conscience. Some were saying they didn't have a conscience when they were drinking. I pondered that, & what I've come to believe is that I had an unmerciful conscience that I was running from, & drinking at. My conscience is why I had so much guilt, & shame, & remorse about treating others badly, hurting them, lying, stealing, from them. Then I would go into hiding, I couldn't face them. I'm talking especially about my family...mom, dad, sister, & brother, other members too. I drank, & drugged more & more, & it worked for along time, as long as I could keep it up. But it got to the point where it didn't work anymore. I couldn't get drunk or high anymore, & I couldn't stand living in my skin, I couldn't run & hide any longer, so I was at the jumping off point, I was to either drink to the bitter end, & die, or quit, get sober. I believe between God & my consceince, I was able to quit just long enough to get some clarity, & reach out for help. What a mess I was in, & I had to start cleaning up my wreckage right away, it couldn't be put off. It took me a few years to get any length of time, I relapsed several times. I got a loving sponsor who was also hard as nails, I got 8 yrs. working with her. I'll tell you about my next relapse another time. I had a tough road to go, my sobriety was not easy! The wreckage of my past, & life kept putting obstacles in front of me. It has taken some time to accept & deal with my past, & life on lifes' terms. There is nothing now, that could make me drink, nothing worth drinking over. Nothing bad has ever happened because I got sober, & I am grateful. You know the saying, wherever you go, there you are. I am getting more comfortable in my skin, I have friends today that are awesome, they are true friends, they're there for me, & I them. My conscience has some mercy today, most of the time, there are times it's unrelenting, & I pay attention. I remember always saying I was sorry, I got to where I was apolojiziing for being alive, that's how I felt. Not today. Today I make true amends, & it's not every time I turn around. I can breathe! For me, it got different, then it got worse, then it got real, then it got real different, then it got better. Sobriety is all worth the pain, cause there is happy joyous & free. Some get that right away, I didn't, & that's ok, it's all been worth it, it keeps getting better, yes, there are growing pains, but I come out on the other side. Well, I think I'm rambling now, hope I don't sound like I'm preaching. I just keep writing my story, I named it Sharon's Journey. How about that? You keep writing yours, cause they inspire me to go on, & stay on this journey. Oh something else that is awesome. My family & friends trust me today, what a trip that is! You have a good one.

PATIENCE & TOLERENCE.....

2007-10-13T15:27:00.000-07:00

The 10th reminds me of how hard I am on myself. In turn I'm hard on you, whomever is in my space. I got a couple of nice comments from Guilty Secret, & Controposso, on my last post, about doing what's in front of me. I still think I have to 'do' all these things, & sometimes all I can do for the day is stay sober. Some days are like that, I'm good at the shoulda coulda woulda's. The 10the step deals alot with patience & tolerence. I've been practicing that with others, but not myself. When somebody at a meeting, or the Daily Reflections said to practice it with ourselves also, well, that was foreign to me. So yea! Give me a fcking break! I say that to myself. Thank you for the comments. My sponsor has been trying to instill that in me too, I didn't get it till last nite at the meeting, & then with these comments. I've always been one to work hard, & I've been letting up some, & feeling guilty about it, then I'm so scared of getting complacent, too, been there. It's not a good place to be, & is hard to get out of. Sometimes in the past I would set myself up. If I wasn't working really really really hard, & perfecting whatever I do, the steps, housework, exercise, etc. I may as well not do it at all, that is a set up. So, I just learned I don't have to be rigid, perfect, or some days even DO anything, I can just be. I'll take care of it, day by day. I do believe in praying every day, & reading my morning stuff. But, there comes a day I forget, or I get in a hurry, & that's just the way it is, but I always pay for it, so I try not to forget. So I'm learning to be more tolerant of myself, more accepting, patience will come.

DOING WHAT'S IN FRONT OF ME....

2007-10-12T14:53:00.000-07:00

Do you do this? I have time in a day that I could get alot done. I get my morning routine done, you know, brush my teeth, make my bed, take my pills, check my email, & blogsites, then I take a shower. All's good, I still have plenty of time to get alot more done. That time in the afternoon, usually starting at noon (sometimes I go to a noon meeting, sometimes I don't) is where the problem lies. I've got all this time, & that's great. Trouble is, I can't decide what to do, that 'do what's in front of you works when it comes to my morning routine, they just have to be done on a daily basis. The afternoon stuff, well, I don't know where to start. I could transplant a plant, I could do some work on my 4th step, I could go visit the neighbor lady, who lives alone, I could run errands, that need attention, I could call the women in the program, I could read the BB, or one of my other great books. I know, do the next right thing, but they're all right things. Oh yea, & I could go exercise, & while I'm at it, why not run my errands, do some shopping? So I either sit & think about, while I'm chain smoking, or I get stuck on my computer, like I am now. I love being on my computer. I love to smoke too, & think. Or I go from one thing to another, starting doing one thing, & wind up doing something entirely different, & the first thing didn't get done. Help. Discipline, that's it isn't it? I hate to say it, but this alcoholic is undisciiplened. Can anyone relate? It seems I keep myself from doing things I would enjoy. Why is that? I would love to read a good book, or transplant some plants, or visit a friend. I think everything has to have a purpose, or be useful in some way. Maybe I'm too dicsiplined, & rigid. Maybe that's it. Be useful in whatever I do, it should have a reason, on & on. Shoulda Coulda Woulda. Is that it? Oh, but here I am in my head, rather than doing the next right thing. Any help on this one?
You all have a good week end! I'll be busy the whole week end, so I won't have time to do this stuff. I still have time I could get a few of these things done before the meeting tonite. So I'm signing off! Wait a minute, before I sign off, I wanted to say a little bit about the anger. I don't want you to think I'm going around angry all the time, I'm not, I'm just acknowledging that I do still have anger, I used to be soooo angry at God, all the time, I'm not anymore. I do get angry at Him, but less so. I'm still angry at myself tho, & I haven't forgiven myself for some things I did & said to my family, esp. my mom. I need to let go of that, I know, but I don't know how. Maybe I'm still punishing myself, I'm wasting my energy on that. Anger is not a motivator anymore. Love is. So, here I go.

ANGER.....

2007-10-11T12:38:00.000-07:00

I started out posting, & not long after I finished it, & published it, I realized that I have been blaming men for all my problems, & directing most of my anger at them. This is so unfair. For one thing, they don't desereve all my anger, for another, they're only part of the problem. I'm the problem. I get angry at injustice, I get angry at the government, I get angry when my boundaries are being crossed, or I, or someone I love is being treated with disrespect. That's healthy anger. It lets me know when something isn't right. My sponsor gave me a book on dealing with anger, & in that book, (unlike the BB) it says that anger is a God given emotion. We can't wish it away. The problem is when we repress that anger, or lash out, or react in any negative manner. It says to love our anger, it is a warning signal. Because it is so passionate, we don't know how to deal with it, nor do we understand it. This book says to understand our anger, & knowing that it is a warning signal is a good start. When we get angry, it says to take a pause, breathe, concentrate on our breathing, & ask ourselves why we are angry. The answer will come. It' s not the anger that is bad, it is reacting to it negatively. I wish I had gotten this book a long time ago, it might have saved alot of pain, & misery for myself, & others. At one time in my drinking, & early sobriety I was in a rage, I had so much that I had repressed. So alot of that was from my past. I still have triggers from the past, but most of the time, I know that. I hate to argue with the BB, but, we're going to get angry, & it's not good to deny it, or beat ourselves up for having anger, we can learn from it. Anger is like fear, there is healthy, & unhealthy. They signal us that something is wrong, sometimes, terribly wrong, this is a good thing, we can do something about it, we don't have to be powerless over it. My repressed anger over the years got me alot of unecessary pain & misery. I went to jail more than once because of my anger, it got me in alot of trouble. And the depression at times was so debilitating. My lesson in all this is I need to allow myself to have angry emotions, & deal with it right away. All this time I was asking God to take it away, & I found instead I had to work with it. I thot I had done that, & I still get angry at some things, but I don't blame all men anymore, I don't blame my parents. What a relief. That doesn't excuse the men that abused me, but that anger I am facing now in doing my 4th step on them, & I'll be able to let it go. I can't allow myself to get in those situations anymore, & I attract healthier people, men, & women. There were women I'm angry at too, am working on it. That book was comforting, I used to think I was evil because I had all that rage. Not so. I have my shadow side, & I am learning to embrace that part of me as well. I'd like to hear your thots on this. You all have a good one.

SEX INVENTORY......

2007-10-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

I think I told you I'm back on my 4th step, cuz I forgot (yea, right) to do my sex & money inventory. I've been going thru my sex history, & I got sick this morning working on it. I am not the person I was. I hardly recognize her. It's sad what I put myself thru. I know that by doing these inventories it cleans that shit up. But it's painful going thru it. I think men were just as much a sickness for me as the alcohol & drugs. The kind of relationships I got myself in, they were all abusive, & it wasn't all them. I carried alot of baggage into them. It always seemed to bring the worst out in me. So, I'm not about to get into a relationship for awhile, I'm still too sick, & I still have baggage, that little by little I'm getting rid of. I used to blame the men, I no longer do, because of seeing my own stuff, & realizing they were sick too, & had their baggage they brought into the relationship. I hope they are in recovery today. I am so grateful for this program! I'm so gratefufl I'm not in & out of sick relationships today. Nomore, they hurt too much! I truly regret the things I said & did. All I can do now is not repeat them. I'm working too, on forgiving them, & myself, but I s'pose that will come with the work I condinue to do. It sure makes a difference when you put that stuff on paper, & can look at it for what it is, but I'll need my sponsor's help with this, she's wise, & can be more objective. I tend to be awfully hard on myself. I still don't think I'm good enough to have a good man in my life. I hate to say it, but it is all about me, & becoming a more healthy, loving woman. Not for a man, but for me, & my family & friends, to start with. This work I'm doing? These feelings I'm having? It's all worth it to get thru to truth, & love.

I OWE AN AMENDS........

2007-10-08T12:02:00.000-07:00

I owe an amends to people who go to church, for calling them dogooders. That was being judgemental, & I apolojize for that. I have friends that are Christain, & are not dogooders at all. They are genuine people, most of them are in recovery, but not all.
If you read this, please except my aplology. I was going by the Christains who tried to shove their religion down my throat when I was growing up. They were dogooders, & not open minded at all, & I got the brunt of it, so I judged all Christains by them. I have learned otherwise, since. I gave this God business a little more thot, & maybe I need to be a more accepting of HIm, & His love for me. I think He would like that. That would certainly give me more peace.

GOD AS I UNDERSTAND HIM?

2007-10-06T14:46:00.000-07:00

Last nite at the meeting the topic was on our HP, or God. I interchange. I've always known there was a God, I just didn't know, I could have a personal relationship with Him, until I came into AA. Not till I read it in the BB. To me God was liteyears away, & was either too busy, or didn't want much to do with me. Then I didn't know I had a choice either, that I could make a decision on Him. I read about that in the BB too. Where it said God either is or isn't. Put to me that way, & I made a decision I would rather there be a God than not. I thot I was such a horrible person, until I read that God is in us all. That, for one, told me I wasn't so bad, for another, He was personal to me. That changed my whole attitude about God. And too, where it talks about like having the feeling for a friend, is the feeling you have toward God. All this stuff I read in the BB opened my heart, & my mind. I might have never found my HP if I hadn't come into AA. I feel love & caring for other people too, besides my family. That is God in me. I don't have alot of understanding of God, but I think he wants us to seek Him, & to question, He wants the choice to be ours, to turn our will over to him. He realizes we're not robots, that we do have our own will, & a brain to question. I don't think we have to be do gooders either, I don't think He wants us to change our personalities, but to change our hearts. I mean, I'm not a do gooder church goer, church doesn't do it for me, AA does. Should that matter? As long as we are even willing to believe, then turn our life & our will over to Him? That for me doesn't happen over nite. It is progress, not perfection. I wouldn't know how to act, I don't know if I could handle it if it happened overnite, tho I kinda wish it would. But I don't feel my time is wasted as long as I seek Him, & keep an open mind, & heart. This is my hope, anyway. You all have a great week end. Keep questioning, keep seeking.

THINGS I'VE SAID & DONE.......

2007-10-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

We're on the 10th step this month which is a bitch. We read the step at the meeting last nite, & I started crying, thinking about some of the things I had said & done to people I love, mainly my mother, who is passed now. I think I'll write her another letter, & read it to her, in the hopes she hears it. It's not just that, altho that's the main thing, it's that I'm guilty of all those things. The feelings, the thots, the actions. Oh, & by the way, I thot I was done with the 4th & 5th steps, I'm not. I conveniontly forgot to work on my sex, & money issues. Can you believe that? Oh how sneaky I am! Luckily my sponsor caught me.

I had a really good day yesterday, then I went to that meeting. Some friends of a friend celebrated his 4th AA birthday. We bought pizza, a cake, & a few little presents. I got to chair the noon meeting, & his coin was presented to him. Spent the whole day with those friends, I had so much fun.

The post before this one has the letters & numbers for you to watch my Oscar Mayer Weiner, if you want to watch my video, it gives instructions how to get there. It was fun to do. Inside, I was smiling, & all happy, outside I don't show it, isn't that funny?

Ever since I changed my blog site, I haven't been getting many visitors. I wonder why? It's a bummer! I used to get quite a few, I don't know what the deal is. But I wriite for myself, tho it would be nice if I got more visitors. Thank you to those who have visited me on a regular basis, that's cool. You all have a wonderful day. I can't believe another week has gone by!

VIDEO........

2007-10-03T20:26:00.000-07:00

Here are my nos. for the Oscar Mayer Weiner video that was made. You'll see what I look like, but not only that, maybe get to know me a little better. I have seen pics of alot of you out there, & it does make me feel closer. One thing I know is, I'm not going to Hollywood! Ok, the letters are capitol letters, then some no's. EZT67J First, go to Google & type in singajingle.com. click the first singajingle cache, a video box will appear, wait for watch your vidio to come up in the video box, & click it then type in the letters & no's. I should appear singing the Oscar Mayer Weiner song. Hope you enjoy it. It was fun.

I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN TO BE GRATEFUL.......

2007-10-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

Well, Fall is here. Usually our falls are warm, still. In fact we often have warm weather up thru Oct. sometimes even into Nov. But not this year. It's been cold & rainy, & I'm not ready for the cold weather just yet. So, I've been in a funk, probably because of that, & then knowing winter is around the corner. It often is harsh in the winter, lots of snow, & of course really cold. I don't like getting out in it. This is where the Serenity Prayer comes in handy. The sun is out today, & it's warmer, so that's good. I think besides having depression anyway, I also have that seasonal depression. So I'm going to see about upping my anti depressent dose for the winter, that might help. I've been praying for willingness too, like suggested, & it seems to be helping, along with the Serenity Prayer. I've let a few friends know, well, they knew anyway, that I've been in a funk, they've all asked me over. I feel guilty cause I'm in a funk, I have so much to be grateful for, here's my list.

God
AA
My family
My sis
My friends & support group, that includes the ones in blogsphere
That I have choices today, I CAN get out of this funk.
That I have a warm, cozy apt.
Books
Musi
My cat, Riley
My health
That I can laugh today
My computer, I can't forget that
That I repaired my relationsip with my family
That the sun is out today
My beautiful car
That I have new tools to live by
That I have the privilege to have a valid driver's license, & am able to drive.
That I'm not in trouble with the law
I hope I'm not in trouble with God
The Closer, & Saving Grace (2 tv shows I really like)
A sense of humor
My sponsor
My sponsees
There's more, but I'll stop there. Hope you all have a wonderful rest of the day.

COMPLACENCY.......

2007-10-01T12:44:00.000-07:00

I had to let a sponsee go, I don't like having to do that. I'll bend over backwards for them, but they have to do their part, they have to meet a few requirments, & she wasn't doing that, it has happened before with her, & I let it slide, but I felt this time I had to let her go, cuz it didn't seem like I was helping her.

I myself am having a little diffiiculty in doing my assignments, I think I'm getting complacent. I have been there before, & it's a bitch to get out of. Any suggestions from anyone would be welcomed. I've been praying for God to show me His will, & give me the courage, & willingness to carry it out. My willingness, I think has been lacking. I've been pretty busy with other assignments too. Besides being an alcoholic, I also have ptsd, & ADD, & they, along with my alcohoism, are playing havoc with me. I just get tired sometimes, of something always hitting me in the face, & I have to figure out which one it is, & what to do about it. I need to keep working my steps with my sponsor, I know that, & do what I can at home by myself, & working with my sponsees, as well as talking to other alcoholics. I've had a hard go of it. Some devastating things have happened in my life, that set me back. I know I can't use that as an excuse, but it has set me back, in my willingness. Not just stuff happening to me, but to my friends too. But you know what? I am grateful today for the program, & the people in it, & my HP of course. What more could I ask for? It willl come, if I keep praying & keep my sobriety foremost in my heart. Happy Monday!

I GOT TAGGED.......

2007-09-26T07:52:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged twice, first by Shadow, & I put it off. Now again by Michael, so guess I better get busy. Ok, here goes.

FOUR JOBS

1. My first real job was that of a car hop at a drive in. This was in the 60's when that was the thing! Once, I was adjusting a tray of milk shakes & cheeseburgers on the car. The tray tipped over, spilling everything inside the car, I was mortified! I think I got fired after that.
2. Another job I had, was actually a career in hair dressing. I traded that for my drinking.
3. Let's see, I had one as a receptionist for my father in law, I can't even remember what line of business he was in.
4. The most exciting job I had was that of a go go dancer, yep! You heard right. I did that for quite awhile, it was good money, & I got to dance with some damn good bands, which I loved. I had my own seamstress, she made the prettiest, skimpiest outfits that glowed under the black light. Boy this takes me back.

FOUR PLACES I'VE LIVED

1. We moved around alot as a kid, so we lived all over the west, & north west.
2. I lived in Boise, Id. actually, Boise was close to home, which was a small town, Boise was 'the city'. I lived there till I was in
my 20's.
3. Then I got married, & my husband & I moved to Portland Or. & lived there for several yrs. We split up, & I made several
moves back & forth, to Portland, then Boise. This went on for several yrs.
4. I lived in Seattle, & some of the suburbs of Seattle. I now am living about 300 mi. from there in a small town, been here
for 22 yrs. & it's the last place I thot I would settle down in. I miss Portland, & may move back there next summer, then
I'm staying for the remainder of my life. I have a sister who lives there. I love Portland, it is such a cool city. Where i'm
at now is real pretty, with the Columbia River running thru it. It is a small town tho, & we're being invaded.

FOUR FAV FOODS

1. I love chocolate, & sweets of all kinds. Candy, pies, pastries, cheese cake, oh I could go on.
2. Pasta, I really like pasta.
3. Seafood, well, steaks too. Don't eat many steaks tho.
4. Mexican food, tacos, enchiladas, tamales are my favs.

FOUR PLACES I'D RATHER BE

1. Portland, there's so much to do there, & they have the neatest neighborhood communtities, & shops, they're big on
community, & small businesses.
2. Seattle area, except it rains more there than in Portland, I wouldn't like that, but I think I could get used to it. I have
family that live in that area, & it's only 3 hrs. from Portland.
3. I would like to travel around the world, except for the middle east, I wouldn't want to go there!
4. I can't think of a country in particular I'd like to go to, there are many.

FOUR PLACES I'D LIKE TO VACATION AT

1. I'd l'd like to travel along the east, & west coast. Drive & take my time..
2 I'd like to explore my own country, Drive & take my time.
3. I've love to sight see, & shop in New York
4. I would like to travel abroad.

There you are, pretty simple really. It was fun to do this, & it took me back. There were good times, & there were bad times.

MY DAY SO FAR......

2007-09-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

Well, today's a better day! Can't keep me down for long! I had a sleepless nite last nite, so I was up at 5:30 this morning, & of course on my computer stalking bloggers, & emailing. I love getting up early in the morning. It gives me computer time, then I still get more done, too. Unless I get really addicted & stay on my puter all morning, which sometimes I do, & that's ok. Anyway I'm still wide awake. We'll see how long that lasts. I might need a nap before I go to the women's potluck tonite.

Hey! You might see me in an Oscar Meyer Weiner commercial. They had try outs in front of the grocery store today. My friend & I did solos. I just know mine will be picked! First commercials, then the big screen. Watch out, here I come Hollywood. They gave each of us a no. & in a week we type in that no. on the internet, & can see our videos. In a week, I'll let you know the no. you can watch my video. It was fun. So, that's how my day went. It's been good! Have a good rest of the week! Love ya!

Oh! I did a mini 4th step this morning on a couple of people that have been bugging me. I feel alot better, getting that out, & knowing my part.

ADDICTION GOT IT'S WAY...ONCE AGAIN.....

2007-09-24T21:14:00.000-07:00

No, come to think of it, I wasn't in a rage, I wasn't crying, I wasn't anything but a big hole, I was empty of everything, I was, like on another planet!! Truly I was. It was maybe a yr. probably six months before I had any feelings about anything. Then I grieved, & part of that grief was rage, hurt, fear, & extreme sadness. So, enough about that. I don't ever want to forget where I was at. I could get so 'well' I don't think I need any help, or lose my humility & not reach out for help when I need it. One thing I know is, this works by working with another alcoholic, You give help, you get help, you get help, you give help. That's the paradox of the thing. Wonderful how it works, we're taken care of, if we do that.

I am so upset with my friend. I'll tell you what happened. She thot she could rise above it all with her intelligence, thot she had us all fooled. She had a sponsor, she was sponsoring, she was reading the BB, sharing at meetings, doing the do, but apparently she was just going thru the motions. She wasn't being honest. She was using on & off the whole time. Just recently she was driving,going 60 mi. an hr & hit someone, the other driver was killed, & she wasn't even hurt that much. She is still using! I want to shake her! I want to throw her up against the wall, & scream at her, 'Look at where your disease took you? Look how many people you've hurt, & it killed a man! When is enough enough?!" That's what I want to do. I don't know what to do. I've called her, she called back twice, once I wasn't home, the other time she didn't stay on the phone. To tell you the truth, I'm glad, because I don't want to talk to her, I don't know what to say. I'm afraid I'd be drawn into her lies, or that I would be unkind. I will listen to her, but not her disease, trying to build up her ego, her lies, her denial. I won't do it. This is so devastating! The AA community is taking this pretty hard. I won't even write about how the people involved are taking it, I couldn't say.

MY FAMILY......

2007-09-23T22:39:00.000-07:00

I forgot to ad, not because they were less important in my sobriety, that their love & support got me thru my early sobriety, & my present as well. I coud never forget their encouragement.

EARLY SOBRIETY.....

2007-09-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

My friend who is in deep trouble isn't reaching out for help. She's called me a couple of times, but didn't stay on the phone long. She is still using, which baffles even me, an alcoholic. After what happened I would sure think she'd have quit. But, it takes what it takes, man, this disease is truly a killer!! I hate it!! I've had to work on not being down about it. It's not mine.

This morning's topic was on anger, out of As Bill Sees It. Seems to me, I wasn't angry, I went into rage. It would come out of the blue. Or I would cry from the depths of my soul, & they both were uncontrollable. I was very sellf destructive, was always hurting myself, or I would find someone to hurt me, & sometimes I'd go into deep depressions, & sellf pity, that was like quick sand, I about didn't get out, more than once. I couldn't function, the depressions were so bad. Friends would have to clean my house for me. I was so vulnerabe, & needy, & I had deep seated fears, & resentments. I was hyper sensitive, & full of self pity. I was this way in early sobriety. It took going to meetings & sharing, it took praying, it took working the steps, & getting into service work to get me out of myself. I had to do baby steps. I faced & went thru alot of those fears, & with that became less sensitive, & got a little peace, got out of myself little by little. I was truly insane in early sobriety. It took time for me to reach out, that was the thing, I had to reach out for help, I had to learn to help myself, ever so slightly, then I got the help. When someone reaches out, the hand of AA is there. And it was, still is, but I have to do my part. I heard an analogy yesterday. It goes like this. Say you're on the Titanic, & of course it sinks. You've got people out in the water, some are dog paddling around, & some have their hand stretched out for help. Who are you going to help first? I did my share of dogpaddling. My hand is out there for help, but it's also out there TO help. That's the way it works. We have to be helped before we can help, we have to help to be helped. Another one of those paradoxes, I love 'em. Want to know how I helped in the beginning? I'll tell you, I didn't think I could help anybody, I didn't have anything to give. Well, people in the program told me I had my story,,,,share it. I started out by doing that, later came strength & hope.

Hope you had a good week end. I had a busy one. I'm behind on my housework, but not cause of depression, cause I'm busy What a wonderful difference.

SHARON'SJOURNEY

2007-09-20T15:14:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know, I changed my blog title to fellow traveler, but my pen name is still sharonsjourney.

WHILE I'M HAVING COFFEE.....

2007-09-20T11:08:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling so much better today. A friend of mine said to just be there for my friend, & listen listen listen. I find it's hard to be around alcoholics/addicts who are in their disease, & denial. Something doesn't register with them. It's kinda crazy making for me. I want so much to help, I want to hug them, & shake them, at the same time.

I am feeling much better tho. I spent the morning stalking my blogger friends. I love getting up early in the morning & doing that, while I'm having my coffee. I also talked to my sister & confidante last nite about this whole situation, she was a big help, she's so wise. I talked to a couple of friends too. So I feel more grounded now. I have to watch myself, & not get judgemental when I'm dealing with my friend, I have to remember she's in her disease. It sure has changed her, & I don't like the change. But I know the real her, when she is sober & working the steps. She has a big heart, & has been a good friend. I can't deny her, now that she needs people who care.

I spent last nite visiting with a dear friend, & brother in recovery. I'm so grateful for him. We studied tradition one. I love that tradition, it's about unity. We're going to do this at least once a week, till we get thru the traditions, then go back to the steps. I get so much more out of studies when it's just another person, or a small group, then you can discuss, & really study them, pick them apart. I love it!

I think I need to let some of my blogger friends who use to visit sharonsjourney quite often, & don't anymore, that I've changed my blog title to fellow traveler, but that my pen name is still sharonsjourney. It's either that, or my posts have become boring. I hope it's not the latter. For those of you who are visiting, would you get the word out to them? I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

You all have a great thurs. I will too. Keep On Keepin' On!

OUR DISEASE.....

2007-09-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

By telling you about how alcoholism effected me, doesn't mean I don't take responsibility for my active alcoholism's effect on others, especially my family. I lied to them, I stole from them, I worried them sick, i really hurt them in a big way. I'm cleaning that up today, I made amends, & am living a sober life. They trust me again, & it took awhile, understandably so. Some wrongs I can never right. Some people died before I got sober, my dad, for one, my brother died before I had a chance to make amends to him, I was in early recovery. My sister, when I made amends said, "Sharon, look at how much you hurt yourself." My mom said all she wanted for me was to get my life straightened out, & to be happy. I expressed my regret to my brother, & he said pretty much the same things. They all forgave me. But that wasn't why, or at least all of why I made the amends, I truly was sorry, & regretted what I did, & said to them. I owned my stuff, & hope I continue to do so.

I've been depressed the last few days, for one, a friend of mine is in trouble, & I can't do anything to help her. Her disease got her into alot of trouble, & I can't get her out. I feel helpless, & am powerless. All I can do is be a friend. She has to do the hard part.

I am so grateful to be sober, I am grateful for my friends in the program, I am grateful for my family, I am grateful for my Higher Power, who today I will call God. I am grateful for waking up this morning.

Shadow, I will do that what you tagged me for on my next post. I haven't felt up to it. I'm doing ok tho, considering what's been going on. About 6 of my friends have gone back out. Is it a full moon? What the hell is going on? This has been a bad month! One of them is in treatment now, one is in deep trouble, & 2 have come back in. One lost her job, & is close to loosing her apt. I do believe it does get worse, it did for me, health wise. I've seen it happen over & over, in some way, it gets worse. I, myself have serious health problems as a consequence of relapsing. And I lost my true love. Hang in there, & don't drink/drug for today. I love you all.

AS A CHILD......

2007-09-15T00:23:00.000-07:00

When I was visiting my aunt she told me I was a little adult when I was a child, that I was very responsable. I took care of my sister & brother alot, & I did my mom & dad too, when they'd come home drunk, or I would try to settle their fights. Then later, I married & took care of my husband. He & I drank & drugged together, but I had to be the responsable one. He is schizophrenic also, & wasn't on meds for it. Well, later I fell to pieces. As my alcoholism progressed, I got worse, then I got into drugs, especially meth for some years. I didn't drink much during that time. When I quit, due to illness, I had to quit & go under a dr's. care. I went right back to drinking, I picked up where I had left off, or worse. It is in sobriety I am learning to be responsable again, & it feels good, I like being responsable. I keep my apt. clean, I keep myself clean, I pay my bills. I hadn't thot about that for awhile....when I was a kid, but I used to joke about how I was more grown up when I was a kid, than as a grown up. It baffled me. That was when I was in denial about my alcoholism. I couldn't figure out why I had gotten so irresponsable, & childish. My maturation stopped at about the age of 12. I don't blame my parents anymore, my mom was alcoholic too, & my dad was codependent as hell. She was the one out of control, he was just trying to cope. He was crazy about her. Just to let you know a little bit more about myself. My aunt also said I was timid, & tender, that I tried to please everyone. That was for survival. If I pleased my parents, especially, I survived. So I was a people pleaser at a very young age. That's a hard one to quit. I've come a long ways tho. I please people today only when I want to....most of the time. I do have my slips tho.

2007-09-13T14:16:00.000-07:00

My sister has a website called Ornamentia, she's got some really cool, & different Xmas ornaments, & they are very reasonable. Check it out, I think you'l like what she has, & I thot I'd help her out by telling you all about it. It won't hurt to look. Thanks

Sharon

The website is http://www.ornamentia.net

BIRTHDAY.....

2007-09-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

Today is my bellybutton birthday, I am now officially a senior citizen (62) yuk! But since being in recovery I keep feeling younger. I got some birthday calls singing me happy BD., & a whole shit load of chocolates delivered by my sis. She knows I love chocolate. I have so many I'm going to share them with friends. Am going over to some friend's house tonite after the BB Study meeting, for pizza, I'll take some of the chocolates over there. My sponsor loves chocolate, so I'll take some to her too. One of the neatest BD gifts was, a friend of mine who went back out, was in a meeting today. I hadn't seen nor heard from her for a couple of weeks, & there she was in the noon meeting. She had 12 hrs. sober, & was pretty shakey. So her new sobriety date is my birthday. My sponsor celebrated 27 yrs. sobriety today, that was another birthday gift. I am so grateful to be sober today. Six people I know went back out just recently. Is it this time of year? What is going on? Seeing how they are, really hits home with me, the shame, the fear, the isolation, the shakes. Boy, I don't want to go back to that. One of my sponsees, well she fired me & got another sponsor, & went out shortly after that. She asked me if I would sponsor her again, I said yes, but that I expected her to follow suggestions, & not fire me whenever she gets upset with me. I understand that, I did it, & I told her that, you have to ride it out with your sponsor/sponsee, unless there's too big of a clash, on both sides. She is hyper sensitive, like we are when we're new especially. I still am, but not like I used to be. Anyway, am having a great day.

CHECK IT OUT.......

2007-09-08T23:07:00.000-07:00

Check out my sister's website at

http://www.ornamentia.net

Enjoy!

VISIT WITH MY AUNT......

2007-09-08T17:30:00.000-07:00

Hi everybody! I just got home from my visit with my aunt. She lives about 3 hrs. from here. I stayed 5 days. I had a really good visit with her. She's about 74, & you'd never know it. She walks everywhere, takes trips to the nearby city with her friends. She's very active. We had a very good visit, stayed busy, a talked ALOT! I need to vist her more often. I just got back today. She doesn't have her computer hooked up, so was unable to blog, or check my emails. I went to bible study with her, cuz she wanted me to. Talked to me alot about starting going to church, so I told her I'd give it a try....again. I've never gotten God in church before, maybe it will be different this time, who knows. The bible study was interesting, I had my say, which I'm not sure they liked. I wasn't rude, but posed some questions. The bible has never given me answers, but I agreed to go to bible study. Maybe I'll get something out of it this time. I didn't like the scripture they read, at all. The bible is so misinterpreted, I think it's too confusing, doesn't seem to talk an awful lot about love, unconditional love. But then, I haven't read the whole thing. Maybe a bible study will give me a better understanding. But look at the atrocities that are done in the name of God, & the bible. I just don't understand, & I think the bible is hard to understand. It is not good to take it literaly, I know that, but some religions do. I have a hard time with religions too. I have decided not to have a closed mind concerning this tho. The steps teach me to have an open mind. I'll keep you informed. I'll write more lateer, just wanted to let you all know I'm back. I missed you all.

MY LOVE......

2007-09-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

This is so hard to write, because I have so much wrapped up in this man...my ex. The one I tried to kill. He had been cheating on me for a long time, & I kept taking him back, I still loved him, & yes, I still do. I was so deeply hurt so many times, that I finally went into a rage & tried to kill him. Yet when I was with him, I felt like everything had come together, everything was ok, that we belonged together. All the songs I had ever loved came together in him. He gave me that same spiritual feeling. We had just gotten back together..again. We were getting along fine, & then, out of the blue, I calmly walked up behind where he was sitting, grabbed the chain around his neck, & started choking him. He got away from me, & he called the police, & off I went to jail for assault. They did drop it to a misdemeanor because I hadn't been in any kind of trouble for 20 yrs. Lucky for me. I have never had that kind of hurt or rage in my life, that I can remember. All my fears came to pass in that relationship. Betrayal, abandonment, rejection, humiliation, loss of self respect, & incomprehensable demoralization in the end, but you know what else? I was afraid I wasn't lovable, or capable of loving, & having that kind of passion. All those happened. I found I am lovable, I found I am capable of loving very deeply, & that I am passionate. Yes I was hurt, but some good came out of it. I got thru those intense fears, I thot I was going to die from a broken heart, but I didn't, I lived thru it. I used to blame him, but I realize now, we were both playing a part, we didn't know. We both had baggage, issues, fears, we hadn't dealt with. I wish I could tell him that. Then again, sometimes I still get angry over how he treated me, but I get angrier at myself for allowing it, & I lost my self respect. That was when I hit bottom in my codependency, I hit so hard, I bounced a few times, & hit again, & again, until I came to that incomprehensable demoralization. I saw him tonite for the first time in a few months, & my little heart still went thump thump. I am wiser today, however. I know the two of us together are disastrous. I believe I will always feel love, & passion for him, but it doesn't hurt so bad, & I can be around him. That was not always the case. I cried over what happened with that man, from the depths of my soul. I believe all the times I had been hurt before, or all the times I hadn't grieved happened during that relationship. He was an instrument, to allow me to grieve, really grieve...finally. For that I am thankful. I owe him an amends. But that's down the road aways. I'm afraid to right now. See? I'm still afraid of rejection. Not only that tho, I don't know, at this time if I could get thru it without choking up. So, maybe it's pride that is keeping me from doing one. Or, maybe I should leave it alone. God will reveal to me what I should do. You know what song came on, driving home after I saw him? I LOVE YOU by the Moody Blues.

5th STEP.....

2007-09-01T08:48:00.000-07:00

I did my 5th step yesterday. I'm not as bad as I thot I was, I was bracing for the worst. I have a very loving, & fair sponsor. I'm suree that had something to do with it. She didn't slap me around with my character defects. Now to get the 8th & 9th out of the way. Not that I take them lightlly, I don't. I found that I'm real good at being a victim, or seeing the world from a victim's view point. I was a victim as as a kid, & I learned that role very well. I'm an adult now, & I need to change that way of thinking. It's hard, that's probably one reason for my depression. Another thing is, I have a strong sense of fairness, since there was not alot of fairness going on when I was a kid. Those are good things to know, cuz now I can do things differently. I used to get myself into victim situations all the time. I don't do that anymore. In my sense of fairness, I can turn that into a good thing, like in my joining the Democratic party, I can fight for fairness in the government. I can delegate fairness. There were other things that came out, but these seemed to stand out the most, & have a definate pattern thruout my 4th step. You all have a good week end. I'm on my way to a meeting this morning.

I'M A PROTESTOR......

2007-08-30T14:09:00.000-07:00

I've been having a difficult time posting lately, Do you know how many I've published to be on my blog, then turn around & delete it?! Alot. For one, I'm my own worst critic when it comes to writing, well, alot of things I do. I guess I want to get it perfect. It's my ego, telling me it isn't good enough, not profound enough. Then too, quite a no. of people who used to come by & leave comments, haven't been lately. I wonder why? It must be my post. Oh, it's all about me! I have been feeling a little 'off' lately. I don't know what to write about. You guys don't seem to have any problem at all, I love reading your posts. They are very interesting.
So, I'll keep writing anyway, I maybe forgot, I do it for myself.

I joined a protestor of the war group. We protest every Wed. at a place where there's heavy traffic after work. They said there has been more & more favorable, responses the last few months. Didn't used to be that way. But the word is getting out. We're in trouble with the Bush, & Cheney Admin. in power. That's what it's about too, they want more power. Hope you all have keeeping informed. It's getting scary. Cheney is going to try & pull off another 'terrorist attack'' on this country. So then they can get martial law here, for the sake of 'terrorists watch', which is bullshit. It's all bullshit. We had better wake up to the fact, of what is really going on. We are all losing our freedoms gradually. That's how the Nazi's got the Jews, & others in the concentration camps. You think it's far fetched, but it isn't. These people (Skulls & Bones) have had this plan for 60 yrs. We've been playing right into their hands, like a moth to a light. We do it willingly, cuz we believed them. Too much has come out, but there are still plenty of people who are in denial, & they will be the cost of our freedom. By the way, it is not a protestor of the troops, we support the troops, we want to bring them home! And the poor Iraqi people. What have we put them thru. We don't just protest the war, there are other things too, like try & get our Constitution back in place. Bush is thrashing it, & that is putting it mildly! The corruption, is appalling! I coulod go on, but you get the idea. We need to make a stand! We need to draw a line, & NOT let them cross over it, like they have so many others.

I THINK I'D BETTER EDIT....

2007-08-28T13:59:00.000-07:00

I think I better edit my last 8 Random Things about myself, cuz I incriminated myself. If you don't hear from me in awhile, you can assume I'm in jail!

8 RANDOM THINGS....sicker stuff

2007-08-27T18:13:00.000-07:00

Krista wants some really sick 8 random things about myself so here goes with the 8 randome things once again.

l. I've been in jail several times.

2. I have a food phobia

3. My toes are crooked

4. Sometimes when I get real depressed, I don't get out of bed, or take a shower for a few days.

5. I have picked my nose

6. In my last relationship, I tried to kill the guy. I wrapped his chain around his neck, & tried to choke him with it.

7. In my last relaationship, he kept cheating on me, & I kept taking him back, cuz I still loved him (how sick is that?)I

8. I'm a pack rat

8 RANDOM THINGS....

2007-08-27T13:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, here goes, 8 random things about myself.

I do sevice work in AA, it helps keep me get out of myself.

Went to a Jimi Hendrix concert so loaded on pot & acid, I didn't remember the concert...bummer.

I have a ton of books, can't seem to find the time to read them all, glad they're there tho

I have a younger sister whom I adore, & love dearly

I have a cat named Riley that I cherish

I like 'collecting' things

I used to have a bumper sticker that said 'I'D RATHER EAT BARBED WIRE THAN LISTEN TO DISCO' back in the 80's. Is that right 80's?

I have a ton of shoes, purses, & luggage

ALTERNATIVE LEARNING....

2007-08-26T07:51:00.000-07:00

ALTERNATIVE LEARNING

Just the day before I had become discouraged, I felt like such a failure, & was so frustraated. When I start feeling this way, I start thinking, 'once a failure, always a failure' My mind can be my worst enemy, when it starts going that direction. On & on & on it goesl. Then I start giving up, & before you know it, I've talked myself into quitting. Which is where I was at when I learned about Paradigm Thinking/Shift in Thinking. An alternative solution is offered. Paradigm/Shift in Thinking using faiure as a tool. What?! Embrace failure & frustration becomes your friend. Well, I'm glad to hear I have a really good friend. Being comfortable with failure is good. What??? What??? After asking questions, & getting more input from the speaker, to us an 'alternative route' sheds a whole new light on failure & frustration. Maybe I won't quit, I could shift my thinking instead. Use failure & frustration as a tool to learn by. That's a good start. To me, that kind of goes along with AA. Use our failed past as a tool to learn by, & help others. Since I've been in AA, I've found all kinds of tools inside, & outside of AA that coinsides with our belief, & principles. Guess I'm more open to them. It's where my HP leads me...in learning about myself, & how to live on life's terms. This is very exciting! I want to learn more! I'm a sponge.

HAD A BEAUTIFUL DAY.....

2007-08-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

I have such good friends in the program! One noticed I've been isolating quite a bit, so invited me out to his kid's place. They live out of town, in a valley by the river, the hills are nearby. It's beautiful. They run a nursery. It was so peaceful out there. We got a you bake pizza from Pappa Murphy's, they are so good! Went to 2 meetings, one at 7, the other at 10. What a lovely day it was. What I mean by being in isolation, is, I haven't been getting out to visit friends, or hang out with them. I go to lots of meetings, but that's about it. I need to hang out more, & have more fun. We are not a glum lot. I forgot thata. For some reason, my mind kept telling me I didn't have enough time to 'have fun' or hang out with friends, & I had too much to do. Well, I have time, if I manage my time. I did that yesterday, & had a full day, & I got my errands done too. I'm going to have a full day today too. When I sit home by myself too much, I start getting anxiety attacks over mostly the state of the nation. There's so much crap going on, & it's in our faces constantly. I don't like what is going on, & I feel helpless sometimes, as to what to do about it, besides voting. So I joined a war protestor group, who carries signs & protests the war. They do this every Wed. evening. That's something. I also go to a Democratic discussion forum once a month. Maybe I can make a difference, I certainly hope so. I consider myself an independent, because I really don't trust either party, or agree with everthing, the Democratic Party does, but I do moreso than the Republicans! So once in awhile you will get ranting from me on political stuff. It helps too, to get your take on what I write about. It gives me a different perspective. I want to give everything the benefit of the doubt, look at it from every angle, otherwise, I might be missing something. But therein is part of my problem, I do that & I get in my head, & start analyzing, I go overboard. I think we alcoholics/addicts tend to do that quite alot.

So I plan to have another beautiful day. I started out by having my coffe, & watering my precious flowers. They are really blooming. They're starting to grow right out of the pots, they're getting so big. I have others in the ground too, they are also doing well. I guess that covers everything for this morning, I'm going to go blog stalking now. I love it! Have a beautiful week end, you all.

FORGOT TO MENTION....

2007-08-24T09:36:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention it costs $38.3 billion to support the illegal immigrants. I can think of better ways to spend this money, like our citizens, our troops! I know it's not a loving attitude, & I'm not against anyone wanting & working toward a better life, but these people are not really doing anything to become citizens, most of them won't learn English, they get other people's soc. sec. cards, a lot of them being children, they get false ID's, they use illegal means, & the taxpayers are paying for them to be here. That's all I'm going to say about this matter.

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.....RANTING....

2007-08-23T15:49:00.000-07:00

I let myself get angry this morning, over something I read about the cost to the tax paying citizens of having illegal immigrants here. I got very angry, & anxious about it. I don't understand why people are allowing this. It goes for their education, & teaching of Spanish to other races. It goes for health care, & subsidies, it goes for 30% of illegals that are in the prison system. The crime rate has more than doubled. It goes for them having no driver's license & car ins. (ours goes up). Just them being here, is costing money that could be going to the citizens of this country. It could go for buying better equip. for our troops in other countries, it could go for the military getting better benifits, salaries, & retiriements. I'm talking about your average soldier that goes over & fights for our freedom. I don't think they're fighting for illegal alliens to have the same rights as the citizens. Are the illegals fighting next to our troops, NO. Then what gives them the right to be fighting for the same rights? What? It really is bazarre. What gives them the right to be pushing their culture, & language on us? What are our troops dying for? Seems to me, we have less & less rights! I can't make sense of it. We are not being treaed with respect by most of these people, they put down our country, they start fights with the white kids at school. They take our flag down, & fly theirs above ours. Is our government in on a conspiracy with Mexico? They send $30 billion to Mexico every year, & is encouraged by their government to do so. They come over here as illegals, have kids here, & lots of them, & their kids are citizens just because they are born here. Something bigger is going on. Can you help me out here? I'm not against them for their color, or any of the like. I just don't like being pushed around & disrespected. But seems like our government is doing that to us as well. I've talked to some of the Mexicans, & let them know how I feel about them being here, & what they're doing. Some of them didn't blame me at all. They said themselves our government isn't taking care of us. I don't like feeling I'm having over this. I don't like it at all. I don't know if it does any good to get angry & anxious, unless it makes me take proper action.

THANK YOU.....

2007-08-21T11:24:00.000-07:00

In changing my blogsite looks, & title, I have lost some of my blogger friends. I'm trying to let them know sharonjourney is still here, & has gone thru some changes (good ones) : ) Some of you have been commenting all along, & some have come back. Thank you! I will keep leaving messages for awhile till hopefully I get you all backe...I miss you. For those who are commenting, I love hearing from you!

I'm just drinking my morning coffee, yea, I slept in cuz the nite before, I slept only an hr. & I didn't get a nap. So I made up for it this morning. I just got an official letter by several sergeants in Iraq (it's out in cyber world) I hope billions get it. Anyway they said, not surprisingly we are NOT winning over there, or making any progress, as Bush, & the New Media would have us believe. It's a mess over there & the people over there hate the U.S. & don't want us there. Their allegience is not to the U.S. it's to their own tribe. How can we get our troops home? This whole thing just sickens me, every time I hear of another soldier being blown up, or shot. It's a crime that we are there, but what can the soldiers do, but follow orders? Bush's generals need to be hung along with him, for war crimes! This war is sickening to those of us who do support our troops, & want them out of harms way! There is a protest march going on this week, & I'm going to join. I will do anything else that is helpful to thiis cause, & to push it along. Please get involved in anyway you can.

Thanks again for commenting on my posts, I love getting them.

I'D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU ALL....

2007-08-20T02:13:00.001-07:00

DRUNK POEMS....

2007-08-20T02:00:00.000-07:00

Here are a couple of poems I wrote one nite, I'd gone to bed drunk, & woke up later that nite scared to death, I wrote these poems then. First one:

MY DEAR CHILD

A silent voice far away was crying
Deep in my depths
Was it a lost soul?
Acheing to be found?
home free to be,
Or is it love on it's way to me
I am here
Hiding on Alamosa street
You must be sly
If I sense you near
I'll flee.

Second one:

HELLO NEIGHBOR

You say my name so kindly
It reaches
gentle thoughts
of you
Your light is on, I just looked
your way

ZEITGEIST....the movie

2007-08-18T16:55:00.000-07:00

Watch it & decide for yourself.

I'M AN ALCOHOLIC....

2007-08-18T15:04:00.000-07:00

The topic this morning was the Daily Reflections for today. You know, I had so much shame about my drinking/drugging, & the things I did. Letting myself get to such a low bottom. There's not many women in this area that lost everything, they still had their houses, cars, careers, etc. As one woman put it, she may not have lost the material things, but she lost her soul. Why did I have to hit a lower bottom to lose mine? That kind of thinking is my ego telling me I'm worse than they are, I'll never measure up, I'm not as good as, they didn't wind up homeless, so they weren't as bad off. I'm lower than the lowest. That's my ego setting me up to fail, to go back out, I don't deserve sobriety, I'm different, I'm unique. It's just as egotistical as someone who thinks they're better, it's ego in reverse. I read that somewhere in the BB. What an awakening that was. I never thot of myself as being egotistical. I've always had low sef esteem, how could that be egotistical? But it is. So it's good to know I'm not different, I'm an alcoholic among other alcoholics. What a joy that is to find out. Keep on Keepin' On.

HARM DONE TO OTHERS.....

2007-08-17T09:17:00.000-07:00

In doing my 4th step this time, alot of 8th step stuff came up, cuz I've done a 4th, & an 8th before. In the begnning it was all about the resentments, now the harm I have done others creeps in, more & more is revealed, MY selfishness, & so on. I have made amends to my family, but more is being revealed, of the harm I did them. How I handle that now is do a living amends. I don't want to keep making amends over & over, I don't think it would have the same meaning. My dad, & mom, & little brother are dead. I made amends to my mother before she died, but more has been revealed. I didn't get to my brother, I wasn't there yet, & I was still drinking when my dad was alive. This haunts me, I wish so much I could have. I wish too, they could see the change in me, & we could have repaired our relationship. Some things I'll never be able to repair. I can do a living amends, & write them letters, but somehow it's not the same as them seeing for themselves how truly sorry I am, that I really do regret hurting them, in so many ways. I have to live with this, it haunts me, the pain will never go away. I am reminded every day of what I did. I don't dwell on it, but it just comes up. Maybe when I get thru my 4th & 8th & 9th step, it will ease up a little. A big part of my living amends is helping others, working with other alcoholics, helping my neighbor, whatever comes up where I can be of service, I do with a smile on my face. Where I couldn't help them, I help others, & I carry the message both inside & outside of AA. It keeps me off the pity pot, & lightens the load some. I use my past to carry the message, that's all. Well, I'm not perfect, I still get on the pity pot, I'm still bitchy sometimes, but there is a solution today, & I can choose to get out of the problem, & get into the solution. I have a choice now that I'm in recovery. I didn't have choices when I was drinking/drugging. Love & respect each other.

I GET TO.....

2007-08-15T07:08:00.000-07:00

I think I need to go off my anti depressant. I think it's leaving me numb. I'm going to talk to my dr. about it. Every couple of weeks I sleep a day or two all day, I have no motivation, or energy. I guess you could say I'm slothful. I hate that! I don't like being on meds anyway, & I believe if I keep working the steps, i can go off them. I know of some people who did, & they're doing better. It's not that I'm not happy, my life is good. I have a wonderful sister, a circle of friends, my cat Riley, who thinks I'm wonderful. Maybe it's cuz I'm used to chaos in my life, I don't know. It isn't now, & I don't want it. Chaos used to keep me motivated, gave energy, most of it was from anger. So now, I have to deal with the peace in my life. Sounds strange doesn't it? I HAVE TO deal with the peace in my life? It's more like, I need to get used to it, adjust, or even more so, conform my will to God's will. That's it! I don't HAVE to do anything, but I GET to do everything. Makes sense to me.

TORN...

2007-08-11T11:58:00.000-07:00

I am always so torn when I have to leave my sister, & Portland. I love Portland, & I especially love my sis, & want to live near her. So when I leave I have mixed feelings. I'm glad to get back to my friends, & AA, but I hate to leave her, & Portland. Our mom, dad, & little brother are gone, & we're all we have. I'm like on a high when I'm there, I only get to see her 2 or 3 times a year. I'm still on a high when I get back, then I start feeling the let down. Then too, I don't go to meetings while I'm there, so I'm missing them. It takes me a little while to settle in when I get back. MY fear of people comes back, feeling like an outsider, not belonging, all that stuff. It's amazing how short of time away from meetings it takes for all the insecurities to come back. It isn't anything anybody does, it's all inside of me. Then the lonliness comes. I go thru this every time. I am going to be praying to my HP about moving to Portland. The main thing is, I don't know if I can afford to live in the city. But the other thing is, I have a trememdous support system here. I have a circle of friends I love, & who love me, they are lifelong friends, & that takes a long time to accomplish. But then, I want to be near my sis. She is so dear to my heart, & I am her. She's leaving it up to me to decide, because she knows what I would be leaving, & she truly does have my best interest at heart. Any suggestions? I've missed you all too, didn't get on the computer much while there.

How do you like my new blogsite, & blog title? I thot I would get something a little more pleasant on the eyes, it's easier to read hu? I'm still Sharon's Journey, just my blog title is different. Let me know what you think. Hope to hear from all of you. Love & respect each other.

MY TRIP.....

2007-08-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful time with my sis, just got back yesterday evening. One of the things I did was spend a whole day in Powell's Book Store, which is one of the largest book stores in the country, maybe world. It is huuuge! In a day I looked at & bought a whole bunch of books. I got some by Willeam James, Eric Fromm, I got The Invitation, & The Call, by Oriah, just to name a few. I want to read them all now. I'm starting out with The Invitation, & How Now...100 ways to celebrate the present moment, by Raphael Cushnir. I also got Meditation in Action. These are a treasure. And of course I went to the AA store, & bought some AA dictionaries, an extra BB, & the small edition of the first 164 pgs, & some book markers with the index on them. I'm going to give some to friends, & share some, but I was mostly selfish in getting all these books for myself. I usually buy things for friends, I didn't this time, cuz I spent too much on the books, & that's ok.

I also found this great second hand store that takes trade ins, they have cool clothes, & shoes, & bags. I got a couple of things there.

But mostly, I had a good visit with my sis, whom is dear to my heart, I am hers too. She always cooks one of our fav meals that our mother used to cook, & makes a delicious banana cream pie! What a treat.

The drive is beautiful, with the columbia river, some mountains, some desert, some forest, in other words, a little bit of everything.

My life just keeps getting better! I didn't think I could ever be happy, but I am today. I'm not saying I don't have bad days, or get the blues, I do, but even that is better than in my drinking days. There was a time I was happy, but things kept getting worse. Once I strated on that downward spiral, there was no stopping it, it got really ugly. I'm not saying either, I never had good times..I did. I get ephoric recall about them, I go ahead & let myself, & enjoy the high, but I don't drink or use over it.

It's good to be home, & see my friends, & go to meetings. Hope to be hearing from you. Love each other

GOING TO SEE MY SISTER....

2007-08-02T10:57:00.000-07:00

Come to think of it, I like Blue Grass, & Celtic too. Blue Grass is our roots, where it all started. I watched a program on Blue Grass music, & how it all got started. It's very interesting, & pretty neat.

My ex sponsor & I are getting to be pretty close. I took her around to see my world of friends, whom she knew of, but didn't really know them. We had such a good time. I love it when I can do that. I picked up another sponsee, I hope I can do her justice. Three is enough for me, I don't want to get so busy, I don't have the required time to spend with each of them. I love sponsoring tho. It helps me too! Probably more than it helps the sponsee. I take this sponsoring business very seriously, but we have fun too. We are not a glum lot.

I am visiting my sister, am leaving fri. morning, as early as I can get around. I always look forward to seeing her. Of course while I'm there I'll visit the AA store, they have all the AA literture, some I've never seen here, like book markers with the index on them. They also have Hazeldon books, & others on recovery. I spend at least $100 every time I'm there, I love going there. I like some of the recovery shops too, I get gifts from them for my friends. I do at the AA store too.

I'll maybe post while I'm there, but usually I'm too busy with my sis. So I'll 'talk' to you when I get back. I'm stealing this from another blogger, love each other. I love that.

BOOKS, MUSIC, & GOD.....

2007-07-30T21:16:00.000-07:00

I love books, & I love any kind of book on recovey, spirituality, philosophy, or anything that catches & keeps my attention. I just bought a taller bookcase. I still don't have room to put them all out, there are several boxes of them. I'd like to put them out, but I don't have room for another bookcase. I have self help books, books on recovery, books on philosophy, medical books, Bibles, novels, household, psycology. I haven't had the time lately to read, I've been quite busy. I love music too. Rock 'n' Roll is my mainstay, esp. classic rock. I like all kinds of music. I like even some country, but not much, & I can't listen to it for very long. In fact, I don't. So maybe I don't really like it, after all. There's so many styles of music. Rock covers an awful lot, it has a wide variety. It's spiritual, emotional, intelligent, I take it in very deeply..to the soul. It helped me to keep my sanity, it helped me not to sink in my depression, it made me happy, it made me sad, it made me feel, it made me think, it made me question, it connected me to you, it connected me to me, it connected me to God. It made me high. I used to play it all the time. I don't play it much anymore, I don't know why, sure isn't cuz I don't still love music, I don't know. You know the saying, 'Be still & know there is God'. I seem to like silence quite alot these days, & I'm still, in the moment. God, to me is in silence, in books, in music, in people, in nature, in the wind, I don't want to miss a moment with God. But that's up to me, in my openess, my awareness. Am I making any sense? I would like to hear from you all. Your feelings, your thots on this.

LIFE IS GOOD......

2007-07-26T17:02:00.000-07:00

Today was a wonderful day. It started out talking for an hour to my ex sponsor. The whole conversation was about recovery, I love that. Then, her & I & our sponsor, & her sponsee, & my sponsee went out of town to a noon meeting. It was refreshing to see new faces. We dropped everyone off & her & I stopped by a friend of mine, & they really hit it off. They are both world travelers, & intellectuals, knew some of the same books & arts. I just kept looking at one, then the other as they were talking, it was interesting. There was a time in my life that would have intimidated me, I would have shrunk, that's ego. But it didn't at all. That was a wonderful discovery, among other things.

My ex sponsor (the one that went back out) & I have a different relationship now, & it's better. Instead of sponsor sponsee, we're friends, & sisters in recovery. I'm getting to know a different person, & I like her more. We really are connecting on a deeper level. It's exciting! We're going to start meeting once a week with a couple other friends to study the BB. I can hardly wait to get started. Life is good!

LIGHT BULB MOMENT......

2007-07-26T00:15:00.000-07:00

At the meeting tonite we discussed rage, & anger. I had a lightbulb moment. I realized that for me, there is a difference. When I'm angry, it's because I didn't get my way, or you're not doing it right, or somebody keyed my car (that really happened, I was pissed!) Rage is a whole other arena. When I have been in a rage in the past, it has always been out of deep, deep, hurt to the bone. I've been in a rage a number of times, & I was hurting to the bone! Sometimes it was what was being done to me, sometimes something triggered something in my past. I think I pretty much have a handle on my rage, not so much my anger. I can get angry quickly, but it usually doesn't last. If it does, I'm usually angry at myself over the situation. I didn't handle something right, or I allowed something unpleasant to happen. I love it when I get clarity. That's my story, & I'm sticking to it.

The sponsor I had who went back out never left meetings, she is still going, & is back on track. I'm so glad. I'm going to continue to meet with her one day a week, & we'll study, & discuss the BB, not as sponsor, sponsee, but as friends, sisters, in the program. It would help us both. There's no reason to quit meeting with her. In fact, we may get a little group going, I don't know. We'll see. I am worried about her, so I'm trying to help fill up her idle time. Oh, I know, but for the grace of God, there go I. She had about 6 mos. more time than me, & it scared me, I mean, I've relapsed before, I don't trust myself. I trust God tho. That's a beautiful thing. You all have a good one, & love each other.

ANXIETY & FEAR.....

2007-07-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I have to find another sponsor. My sponsor was confronted today about her drinking, & using pills for the last 3 or 4 mos. At first she denied it, a couple of times, those women, one of them her sponsor wouldn't let up, so she finally admitted that yes, she had been drinking, & using. I'm disappointed, but I don't judge her. Who am I to judge, I've done it myself, more than once. She got very involved in her church, & let up on AA, cut back on her meetings, & service work.

I've been having alot of anxiety & fear lately. I'm 21/2 yrs. old in my recovery, & am told it's separation anxiety. Two yr. olds start separating from their parents at that age. I've been feeling like I'm coming onto my own moreso, but I'm frightened about it. It's like, I don't want to be out here on my own, but I do. I'm getting out of my people pleasing, too. I'm having trouble finding a balance, cuz I still need people. I guess I'm growing out of dependence, & learning interdependence. That's part of the uncovering, discovering. That's what it's about too. I'm uncovering in my 4th step, but also discovering, some of it isn't so hot. I don't like looking at my defects, but I'm glad I get to, I have the opportunity to let God get rid of some, & work at improving on some others. I've been working with my grande sponsor some, so guess I'll just work with her more, & let my sponsor go. She needs to work on some things, she has to start over. Well, I just realized, I have to be dependent on God, interdependent with people, & humble with myself, in other words, get right sized. I'm also in a place in my recovery, there are some friendships that I need to give more of myself with, be more open, & that is very scary for me. I've kept people at arms llength for a long time. That's just not going to work anymore. So yes, I've been anxious, & frightened about that too. It will all be ok tho, I know that, as long as I give it to God. Blogging, & hearing from my blogger friends has helped me so much. I was going to say, you just don't know, but I'll bet you do. Thank you for your support, encouragement, in such kind words. I love you all.

A SPIRITUAL DAY......

2007-07-18T20:27:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have moments when you feel real? I've felt that a few times, ever so fleetingly. That happened today. I did part of my 5th step..I'm going across, in doing my 4th step. Anyway, I just came from a meeting where a guy shared, & he told part of my story. I came from the streets, I slept in my car, I slept at the bus station, I wore other people's clothes, I drank Night Train. I've come so far, by the grace of God, AA, the fellowship, & my blogger friends, I am learning to be real, I'm learning who I am (that is coming slowly). When he shared, it took me back to that person who drank & drugged, & was so self destructive, self abusive. I could separate myself from that person, & feel compassion for her, she was in so much pain! You see, I just want to be real, the good, the bad, the ugly, the wonderful, everything. I don't want to put on 'a face' anymore. I guess that comes with honesty. Maybe that's part of where it came from too, doing my 4th & 5th step today. Yes it is. It was pretty awesome. Oh, too, I'm happy about this woman, who has been in & out, come into the meeting tonite. She has been struggling for a long time now, & she just got back from treatment, she went to one of the best. I'm hoping she's here to stay this time. It was good to see her. There's another woman in the program, who doesn't have alot of time, but boy is she growing! It's fun to watch her, & be a part of that. Then, I got another sponsee, she & I had a good talk today. That's awesome. Today has been a good day, a spiritual day. You have a good one, & keep on keepin' on. Thanks for your support.

GOD IS MY SOURCE.............

2007-07-15T06:21:00.000-07:00

I am forever young in spirit, for God is my source of energy & enthusiasm for life. This is what I read today out of my Inspirataion booklet. It's good news to me. Now, I must practice faith. Scratch my previous post.

BEAUTIFUL LIFE............

2007-07-14T22:37:00.000-07:00

Most of the time, I feel so inadequate. It seems like I'm not getting that beautiful life everyone talks about. I'm working my steps. I go to meetings, I have a sponsor, I sponsor. That reminds me, a woman today asked me to be her sponsor. I said yes. I only hope I can do her justice. Well, it isn't about me, it's about relying on God, & as Pam says, doing the next right thing.

I went to work for a day at a job I did a few yrs. ago. Boy! Have I aged! I lasted one day. It's very hard work, my back, neck, & legs were so sore, & I was so tired, I could hardly move. I worked a 10 hr. shift, that's too long after not doing that kind of work for 3 yrs. Talk about humility, I got some real quick, like in, know my limitations! I thot I'd earn some extra money, well, I earned 1 day's worth. That's it! I was disappointed I couldn't do it, & felt bad about not going back in. That nite, I went to bed at 6pm, & slept till 2pm the next day! So, I didn't call them. I'm going to go in next wk. & give them my badge, & all that. Oh yea, & pick up my 1 days pay. Hey, it's extra money. My sponsor said not to be so hard on myself, after all, I did try.

So about the beautiful life. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm not reaching out enough. I go to women's potlucks, & other social things. I still have that hole inside. I think my ptsd is acting up, I still numb out, can't really get close to people on a one on one. I'm afraid for them to get to know me. Shoot, I don't know myself. So many of my character defects have been coming up. I'm still on my 4th, but going across & working my way to my 7th step, almost there. I know I should be further along. I keep procrastinating on my 4th. I'm sure it's obvious. Ok, I promise myself, I'm going to work on it tomorrow. Right now, I need to get some sleep. I have 1 sponsee already, & I'll tell you, I love sponsoring, her & I have become quite close. Hmmm, did I say that? That conflicts with what I said earlier about not getting close to people. I'm kinda all over the place tonite. Must have been that hard labor.