A BEAUTIFUL & FUN DAY......
Yesterday was a beautiful, fun day. I started out getting quite abit done at home, which is always good. Then went to our monthly birthday potluck, it was held at the park this month. It is usually in a bldg. Had a barbecue. There were alot of people there. I had the honor of giving birthday medallions to two of my sponsees, 6mo. & 9mo. I met someone new from out of town, we exchanged email addresses. I made a new friend, that is a beautiful thing. After the potluck we went to the Firehall meeting at 8, full meeting. After the meeting, a whole bunch of us went out for coffee till about midnight. A whole day, & nite of AA & fellowshiping, I love it. There was alot of laughter. A beautiful & fun day.
I got a sponsor, finally (mine has been traveling) I think we're going to work well together. I already have an assignment. One oof the things I have to do, in a couple of weeks is write a goodbye letter to my ex, I'm still so crazy about. She's giving me two weeks, cause she knows I'm not quite ready. It makes me cry to think about it, but I know it has to be done. I will be ready, I can't carry this flame for him any longer, it hurts too much, & it gets in the way of my recovery & any futue relationship. It keeps me from moving on. I keep feeling this tug at my heart. I can still love him, but I have to move on.
For the most part I'm doing well. I'm entering into a new relationship, that I feel good about. But first, I have to let go of the 'other' one.
I have my service work in AA too, boy, that has saved me more than once. Thank God for AA & my friends. Have a good one.
A BEAUTIFUL THING.....
Two very dear friends whom are like brothers to me bought me a gift certificate for a manicure/pedicure. They not only did that, but the one arranged it with his hairstylist & told her to treat me really special, cuz I'm special to them. This was a birthday gift. My sister sent me a beautiful bouquette of flowers. I am so blessed. I was in awe to get these. They didn't have to do this. they know I know they care for & love me, & they know I love them. It was a beautiful gesture. They also know I appreciate them, as well as the gifts. The stylist did treat me special, I felt so pretty when I left there. I'm going to go back to see her, just to have coffee & hang out. I think we are going to develop a friendship, & that also is a beautiful thing. Have a good one.
AlANO CLUB CAMPOUT
I went to the Alano Club Campout today, had a really good time. We had a good fire going, everyone sat around it & had a meeting, then told bad jokes. There were alcoholics, addicts, alanons, codependent, & mentally ill. so we had a 12 step meeting. What a gift it is to be sober, & sit with such a variety of people, & everyone get along. We all sat there & conversed about alot of things, & we sang (it was some pretty bad singing) but it was singing, that was a beatuful thing. The whole day was beautiful! Another beautiful thing happened. I lost a resentment I'd had for quite awhile against a person who was there. Who can have a resentment on a day like today? It's what sobriety is all about. I also saw a couple of old friends I hadn't seen for a long time, it was so good to see them. You all have a good one.
BOTH WAYS
I want to say Hi everybody, but nobody comments, so I guess nobody reads these. Ok, fine. As a friend of mine says. It helps me to write, whether anyone reads them, or comments. What I'm writing about tonite is the mixed messages I'm getting. I don't understand. First it's one way, then it's the other. Make up your mind will you? You can't have it both ways dear. I guess that's a good one for me to follow. I don't want to fall in love again, because in the past it's meant losing my freedom, my heart, my soul, in essence, myself. I can't do that again, I won't make it back this time. I almost didn't before, I came so close to either suicide, or losing my sanity, Because I lost me, I almost didn't get me back, & I don't say that lightly. I have a very dear friend, actually a couple of them that know, they helped bring me back. Without them I would be in an institution. I love my friends. So now I've started having some deep feelings for someone, & I don't want to, I don't know what he'll do with them. I guess I don't quite trust him, or me for that matter. But I know we can't have it both ways. And just exactly what do I mean by that little saying I've heard, but not sure what it means? Well, maybe the hell we can. We can have our freedom, & keep ourselves intact. Yea! Depends on who you're with. AHA!
A DIFFERENT PLANET.
I just can't deal with men anymore, they're on a different planet & I don't care to go there anymore. They leave me feeling cheap & used. Celebacy isn't the worse thing, at least I feel ok about myself. They mess with your head, & heart, I've got years of that shit to fix, I don't think I'll ever be ok. So just leave them alone Sharon. Let them be.
I always wind up blaming myself in the end. What's wrong with me? That's what I keep asking myself, here we go again, & for what? I don't have to keep going thru this to get love, this is not how you do it. I'm doing it wrong,I'm not willing to lose my heart & soul again, I'm keeping them this time around. But that isnt love anyway. I need to grow up, I need to get the chiip off my shoulder. I am partly to blame, key word...partly. I guess love scares me, so I sabotage the relationshiip. But I didn't this time, I don't know, maybe I did. I did. I'm tired.
I will go there again, I always do & it's worth it, who am I kidding? I know I will. I'll give it a rest for awhile tho. I'm never too tired, or old for love, & so it goes, round & round, in the circle of love. Something to look forward to. Oh when will I learn? So, get that chip off your shoulder Sharon, & never give up. Always be open to love.
LEAVING TRAILS.....
I was talking to a friend last nite who informed me I was way too hard on myself, & to quit it. He said to pray for forgiveness. Well, I know God forgives me & I'm sure glad, because I will never forgive myself for some things I've done. It's a good thing I'm in a spirituall program, where I work on turning my life over, because the more I do that, the more I will feel God's forgiveness. My own will wants to do me in. I tend to be hard on others too, because I put expectations on them, & when they don't measure up, damn them. Same as I do myself. So, yes I need to let up.
Tomorrow is my birthday, I will be older than dirt. Funny thing is, I don't feel it. I still feel young, sometimes I even feel like a little girl, sometimes I am, I have tantrums. I think I've gotten younger since I've gotten sober & got in the program. I was getting old when I was drinking & using, life beat me down. Now, I am better ablle to cope, I don't react to everything (not always anyway). I used to create messes, everywhere, today I get to clean them up. I don't want to leave a trail behind me. Oh there still is one, I'm not finished cleaning up, I get to work on that the rest of my life, because I'm still learning.
WE ARE ALL BROKEN.......
Each of us is broken......we've lost oiur way. I believe we all seek the truth. What was it I heard in a song? The truth you are hiding from is the truth you will find. In my drinking days I told a friend I was always running from, & he said maybe I was running to. Maybe we all are running to the truth, tho we think we're running from. Life is a circle.
One of the dots connected when someone at a meeting said, "It's not me changing the world & it's people, it's about me changing me, this is an inside out program". I'd heard part of this before, but when he said "it's an inside out program" a couple of more dots connected. I get the 'attraction not promotion' thing applied to my personal life as well as AA, too. I used to hang around losers cause it made me feel better about myself, & I didn't have a challenge, I became lazy. Well, I want that challenge now, it makes life more interesting, & I have to overcome my ego. When I say losers, I'm talking of people who are led by theiir ego & pride, that don't try to overcome them, or change. They stay stuck in their own mire. That's been me,at one time.
.
When I was drinking, one of my favorite bars had a clientel of people from all walks of life. I loved it! There were professionals & bikers mixing. Old, young, you name it. That's one of the things I love about AA. I guess it was a natural move for me to go from a bar like that to AA. I often think of myself as one of those losers I hung out with, but I have to change that within myself. I have to get those old tapes out....as well as my ego & pride. I have much work to do! You have a good one
WE STEP ON......
'We step on the toes of others & they retaliate' from the BB. Lord save me from both.
MOTIVES.....
I found myself in a situation I didn't want to be in because I didn't honestly check my motives, I was too busy trying to figure out the other person's, well, I know what his were, same as mine. Had I kept the focus on myself, it would have saved some misunderstandings, & deceptiion. I knew what his were, but I kept letting him deny it, that's cause I kept denying my own. We are human, & sometimes our motives & behaviour are less than desirable. I feel better since I took a look at my part, & hopefully to remember to always check my motives, then alot of time, & stop right there.
. We not only deny our disease about drinking, we deny everything it encounters, our motives, sometimes a a little askewed from our 'intentions', we often think we have honorable intentions, but don't look at the motives behind them, motives go a little deeper. Mine were selfish & self-indulging, plain & simple, but I'm real good at dressing them up as honorable, or harmless intentions. Anytime it involves another person, it is harmful if I'm not being honesst, & I wind up blaming the other person. Yes, they have their part, but that's none of my business, To make matters worse, I cop a resentment & have to make an amends. That sucks! Besides that, I don't really know what the other person's motives were. All that I know is, we are all sick, I certainly am, this has come to the 7th step....please God don't let me judge. Have a good one. Comments are welcomed.
MY MOM
November is coming up, that is the month my mom died, 3 yrs. ago. It doesn't seem like that long. I think about her alot & get mad at God. She was supposed to live another 10 yrs. I just keep thinking it was a mistake, it was so sudden. She hadn't been feeling well for a long time, but cancer? No way! She died 6 wks. after she was diagnosed. I'm just glad she wasn't in horrific pain. Her spirit visits me often sometimes in dreams, or during the day. She was one of a kind. She was witty, she had a sweet adventurous spirit. She was always there for her kids, always. She supported me in all my big dreams, & efforts. I learned so much from her.
I have a friend who's mom is dying, I can be there for her, because of my experience. But it sure brings back the pain & shock I felt when I learned of my mom. I still have a hard time believing she's gone. I keep expecting it to be her when the phone rings, or I'll think I'm going to call her. I'm afraid I took her love for granted, I don't ever want to do that with my sister. She's the only one left. Our dad, only sibling, our brother, & now our mom is gone. I feel really lonely at times, I miss them all. But my mom is the biggest loss. There are things I didn't have a chance to make up to her, but I know she knows, & forgives me. She did so many imes. I miss you mom.
A HIGHER POWER THING.....
The first time I ever felt any connectedness of a higher power, I was drinking. I walked out on my front porch & saw the full moon, & I thought to myself, the whole world can see this, together, we can all see the moon. I felt a oneness with the universe. But a very small part of something a whole lot bigger than me, & it felt awesome. Later I went to bed with that in mind. I heard the birds on the roof, those birds became exotic birds, & suddenly I was in Australia. What a good nites' sleep I had that nite.
I woke up this morning feeling truly grateful to be alive. I'm drinking a good cup of coffee from beans.mmmm. I get to go see some friends this morning, & one this afternoon. What more could one want. I am truly bessed. But first, I'll pray, & read my Daily Reflections. It's nice not to be tangled up with someone, for now, I'm enjoying being single. Yes, it has it's downside, but it has it's upside too. I don't have to fit someone in my busy schedule, & I am busy, I like that. I'm sponsoring 4 women, that alone keeps me busy, I love sponsoring, it gives me a purpose, & I work on my program more.
I am grateful for:
My sponsees
Riley (my cat)
A good cup of coffee
Michael & Renn
To wake up breathing
Feeling safe & secure
God
WOMEN'S MEETINGS
I love my women's meetings. I went to one of them tonite, & oh how I related to them. They each told part of my story, or where I'm at today. There was alot of pain shared tonite, my heart went out to them. I've been in that kind of pain, due to working my steps, meetings, God, & time, I'm not in that pain today, thank God. I hope I never go there again. Not that working on my issues isn't painful, but when I work on them, I get to come out on the other side. I really have nothing to bitch about today, aside from my usual bitch about men, that's probably never going to change, men are what they are. God grant me the SERENITY to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to CHANGE the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE I say that alot. It works.
GRATITUDE
I"m adding to my gratitude list that I'm very grateful for:
Music, sweet music, Rock'n'Roll soothes my soul
My small growing garden
Blogspot
GRATITUDE
It's time I made a gratitude list. Today I am grateful for
My sobriety
My sister
My family
My family in recovery
God in my life
Nature
My apt.
Food in my cupboards
My health
That I am functioning as welll as I am after all the drinking and drugging I did, and the tragic thngs that happened in my life.
My past marriage, and relationships, they helped get me where I am today, much as I complain, I'm a richer person for them.
My eMac
My income and benefits
My intuitiveness, insighfulness, compassion, passion, and love within myself.
Some of my character defects, and knowing I must let go of them.
AA
All the things I get to do.
TEMPORARY VS. RELATIONSHIPS
I have always been in long term relationships. My marriage lasted 6 years. I was in a relationship after that for 8 years, and one for almost 6 years. This last one lasted only 3 months, that being because he's 'not relationship material'. I wish he had told me that from the beginning, I wouldn't have bothered. I'm not a 'temporary' kind of woman. When I'm with someone, I'm involved with them, I can't hold my feelings at bay, or have that question mark over my head. Will this end today? Why bother. I have to have a commitment, that's just how it is with me. In my drinking years, I did the temporary thing. I couldn't get involved because I didn't like men, so I just satisfied myself physically, it was no more than that. Today I find that pathetic. I don't want the entree from Mcdonalds, I want the full meal deal, I want the real thing. That's the only way I can express myself freely, and trust, and be honest. Otherwise it's superficial. It's like being around AA and being involved in AA. There's a huge difference, I get so much more out of being involved, and I give so much more. I give so much more in a relationship. I have a lot to give, and that's what I want to do. There's more to a relationship than making love, that's only a small part of it. There is more to me, than my sexual self, it's expressed out of bed too, for me anyway. There's communication, laughing together, sharing and caring. Isn't there? Yes there is, I just answered my own question. There's respect for each other, as well as for ourselves. I don't want the kind that are only interested in maniputlating me into bed, that one is full of tension, and dishonesty. It's a good thing I have friends, and a life. Otherwise I might get into self pity, or blame myself for this, and go into self destruction, I do that one easily, it doesn't take much. I guess I'm not ready for a good solid relationship, but in time I will be. In the meantime, I'm not looking, right now I don't like men much....again, so I'll just stay away from them for awhile, except my brothers in recovery. That is where I go to, my brothers and sisters in recovery when I'm lonely and blue, I also go to my Higher Power. Have a good one Comments are welcomed.
DANGEROUS.....(I forgot to title my last post.)
I've been told I'm dangerous, that's funny. I am dangerous when I'm being used, manipulated, and conned. Or when I'm being abused, I fight back on all four. Who doesn't? What I need to do now is let go and let God. Not let this turn into a resentment. That only hurts me. I don't mud sling, I just say how I feel, and my feelings when treated in this manner are very intense, and hostile. It's not that I like it, but it's better than stuffing, then I get self destructive, and I'm trying not to be anymore. I know it's not good to lash out either. I don't like how I'm feeling about a particular person, or myself right now. I hope not to do anything out of ego, or pride, but I suspect I did. I was hurt too though. Turns out everything was a lie, and I believed and trusted this person. Well, I came to the conclusion that a man is a man is a man, they just have different techniques, as I said in my last post. This most recent 'relationship' brought me to that conclusion. I'll get over this, I will. Have a good one.
TECHNIQUE
A man is a man is a man. They just have different techniques..
I TAKE RESPONSIBLITY.....
How's this? I can honestly say I'm not blaming the other person this time. I really just didn't want to be in the relationship, so I sabotaged it, in every way imaginable. I was impatient, I couldn't make up my mind, so I broke it off several times, then got .back in. I told him off sometimes, I wasn't a very nice person, but he stayed in there, until I got pissed at him for standing me up, blowing me off. I can't stand to be blown off, pushed aside, or stood up. Even though I did it to him a number of times. I expected him to break it off long before he did, I don't blame him for doing so. I take full responsibility for my actions. And I'm not always tactful. Maybe this post isn't, I don't know. I also can honestly say I don't want there to be hard feelings between us. The relationship didn't work out, that's all. I don't know if I wanted it to or not, by the way I acted, I would say not. But I sabotage things that I know are good for me. It started out good, but we all know how that goes. Anyway, I don't want to be the bitch anymore, I don't want to wreck everything good in my life, I hope that dream I had was a symbol of an end to my destructive behaviour. Ofcourse I can't stop doing that all at once, a little at a time is more doable. I don't want to hurt myself, or others anymore. Truly I don't. Have a good one.
A FREEING DREAM
I dreamed that my love, who happens to be my ex came back to me. He told me he loves me and wants me back. I started to fall for it, I almost made love with him, the old spark of hope started coming back (this happened so many times I can't even count.) My most recent failure was in there too, just poking his head in once in awhile. I started getting the feelings back, I was falling in love again, then, I road away on a beautiful grande horse. End of dream. This dream symbolizes freedom, an end to old destructive patterns. What a beautiful thing! Have a good one.
I MAKE MISTAKES.....
Will I ever 'get it right'? I'm working on friendshiips right now, & that's all I need to work on. I must be doing something right in that area because I have some awesome friends who have stuck by me thru the 'good, the bad, & the ugly'. They still love me for who I am. That's all one can ask for. As for the romantic relationship? I'm not ready, I'm still hyper-sensitive in that arena. I'm still on guard when it comes to matters of the heart. I am in friendships too, but there's something about the romantic, & sexual relationship that brings out & magnifies EVERYTHING. I'm not terribly good at dealing with those feelings, & issues. It takes time, & so does love, & it takes making mistakes, & it takes getting it right sometimes too. I'm still a newcomer, I have work to do. I can't let this make me feel like a failure. Recovery is a journey, I get off the path sometimes. Another thing it brings out bigtime is my codependency. I haven't even dealt with that, but I think it's time. I shall do that, what an enhancement that will be to my journey in recovery. This is a beautiful thing. ( I borrowed that from someone, hope they don't mind.) What is so different this time is, I don't feel like a mistake, I know I made a mistake, that's a huge difference! I feel good. In setting internal boundaries I'm learning something about myself, those boudaries are not only for myself. A woman who has alot of years in the program always says "God, keep me from hurting myself & others". Good one to live by. You have a good one.
I HAVE NO BUSINESS..........
I have no business being in a relationship. I'm new in my recovery, & I'm still raw from my last relationship. From that one, I have learned to set some internal boundaries, & that's a good thing. Well, not the last one, that was just recent & it didn't last very long. I mean the last meaningful one, the one before the last. This last one I knew was doomed because neither one of us are relationship material, & he's into 'friends with benefits', I wish I could be, but I'm not into that, somehow it lacks substance. & passion. It leaves me with feeling cheated somehow. I hope I've learned from this one too. I didn't even want to get into a relationship, because I knew I would either sabotage it, or he wouldn't go very far with me, you know, not commit. It was both of us. I have preconceptual ideas about relationships that are not healthy, they come from childhood, & my past relatinships. That's not fair to the one I'm with, or me for that matter, and my heart just wasn't in it, it wasn't available. But I was willing to give it a try. Who knows what can happen in time, & with good communication, & we didn't have that. I hope I'm not blaming him, I definately have a part in it. It's like, I'll sabotage it before I give you a chance to hurt me, or better said, before i get to that place where you can. So, another failed relationship, even if it wasn't really, it still failed. I'm tired of this shit. I can do something to change it though. I can change my attitude about relationships & men in general, I can change my perspective, I can change me, I can be more loving & tolerant, but wait a minute, I have in the past been very tolerant, I was tolerant of abuse. Not that I was in this one, I wasn't, he was very loving & kind. Oh well, you live & you learn....hopefully. Have a good one.
IMPATIENCE.....
I have to explain my last three blogs, or is it four? Anyway, at the time I was posting, they were publishing. but they weren't showing up onto my blog at that time, so I posted another just like the one before. I see what my impatience gets me. I have two or three posts just alike, I'm sorry about that. Well, you definately know how I feel about my ex. It's just a little embarrassing it showed up so much. I was surprised to see them on my blog tonite. I only intended to publish the last one, not the others. I really have healed alot from that relationship. It triggered so much for me, both wonderful things & unpleasant things. But my heart isn't healed, maybe never will be be, but I'll be able to live with it in time. So, impatience is one of my character defects I absolutely have to keep working on. Again I'm sorry you had to read the same thing over & over, that is, if you did. Maybe you said "to helll with this". I know now this will show up on my blog....eventually. Have a good one.
RELATIONSHIPS
I just read a blog about relationships, that makes me realize my heart isn't available anymore. Well, it is to friends, but not romantically. There's been too many failed relataionships and one failed marriage. I literally almost died from a broken heart in my last relationship. It's been a year since we broke up. I still find myself sitting on my couch expecting him to walk up to the door smiling, I would light up whenever I saw him, it was that way for almost six years. I miss him to this day. I've gotten alot better though, I've healed alot. He will always have a place in my heart, but now it's not all of my heart, I've come along ways. The thing is, I don't think I can ever open my heart like that again. I know I can't. Next time has to be slow and easy, a little at a time. I think maybe that's the normal way, I don't know, I'm not normal. I have slowed down though, I'm getting older, and I don't like being rushed into anything, especially a relationship. I'm not willing to hurt like that again.
AUGUST....
I was feelling pretty blue today. August marks a year since I've been with my love. We broke up a year ago. Sometimes when I'm sitting on my couch I expect to see him walk up to the door with that beautiful smile and that laugh of his. I would just light up. I still miss him very much,
I think I've hit a codependent bottom. Sometimes I think of my old love. This month marks a year since we were together, and I'm sad and empty. I sit on my couch and almost expect to see him walk up to my door all smiles. He used to do that, and I'd just light up. That's what he did for me. I haven't seen him for a long time and I miss him so much. I know we'll never be together again, we're toxic for each other. Sad. We sure gave it a try though. It was one of those loves where he swept me off my feet. I'm told that's not love, but I know better. I felt that way for almost six years, it never went away. Since he's been gone I've lost the spark in me, for the program, for life, for anything. You'd think it would come back by now. I'm thinking about starting Alanon to deal with these and other issues, and counseling again. I'm one of those women who 'loved too much'. I learned my lessson, I won't do that again. I'm more on my toes this time. Not that I think I'm going to get hurt this time. I have to watch my internal boundaries. The old hurt is getting much better, and for the most part I've moved on, or have I? Wh;y do I feel this way. I miss him much of the time. I'm going to a meeting now, and work with another alcoholic/addict.
